Why?

Why is today so hard? I'm having a hard time focusing on anything but Samantha today. I miss her.

Last night, I was running errands. As I parked my car, I looked outside and a little girl and her dad (I assume) were walking to their vehicle. This little girl had a blonde ponytail and she had a skip in her step. At one point, she looked at my car and she just locked eyes with me for a second and then she skipped off to her car. I broke down. I know that (this side of heaven) Samantha will never look me in the eye. I also loved the special way the little girl interacted with her dad. There was something about the way she moved her shoulders and smiled while she was responding to him. More than anything, I want to have that special relationship with Samantha.

I feel cheated.

And sad...so sad.

~Shannon

Will a day go by? (written by Shannon Schroeder)

Will a day go by?
Where I leave you in the past?
When I put the pain behind
And the hurt no longer lasts?

Sweet baby,
Sweetest one I know
I will never leave you behind
I'll never let you go
Because I know
That you are not behind
No,simply you are waiting
On the other side

Will a night go by?
Where I don't yearn for you?
Will a morning dawn?
Where peace is finally true?

Sweet baby,
Sweetest one I know
I will never leave you behind
I'll never let you go
Because I know
That you are not behind
No,simply you are waiting
On the other side

A day will finally come
Where I'll meet you and my Lord
And peace will finally come
We'll reunite in sweet accord

Until then...
Sweet baby,
Sweetest one I know
I'll never leave you behind
I'll never let you go
Because I know
That you are not behind
No,simply you are waiting
On the other side

Watermark's Glory Baby

These are the words to Watermark's Glory Baby. Funny thing is that I have loved this song since I was a senior in high school....but not it has such personal meaning. How I wish it didn't. But it does. Yet these words feel so right to me...

~Shannon

Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Lonestar Not A Day Goes By

Got a picture of you, I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it, when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you, I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me, when the nights gets cold

If you asked me how I'm doing
I'd say just fine
But the truth is, baby
If you could read my mind

Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
After all this time
You're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain
Locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh, baby
Not a day goes by

I still wait for the phone
In the middle of the night
Thinking you might call me
If your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me
That I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me
With your head against my heart

If you asked me how I'm doing
I'd say just fine
But the truth is, baby
If you could read my mind

Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
After all this time
You're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain
Locked so deep inside
That baby, baby, oh, baby
Not a day goes by

Minutes turn to hours
And the hours to days
Seems it's been forever
That I've felt this way

Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
After all this time
You're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain
Locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh, baby
Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you

Avril Lavigne's Slipped Away

"Slipped Away"

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh

Na na na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

Oooooh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh

I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by

Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere your not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day i found it won't be the same noo..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you

Best Friends

I was on the phone Sunday night with one of my very best friends in the world. We'll call her B. B and I were catching up and talking about many different things. We had an intense conversation talking about miscarriages to fear of infertility and adoption. At one point, I started rambling about Samantha and B (being the awesome friend she is) just listened. One of the things I shared that brings me comfort---this is just one version of a similar scene I've envisioned over and over again:

Sometimes I don't know how to envision heaven. Perhaps it is just angels and saints and a throne and singing praises every single moment. But perhaps it is more like the Garden of Eden where we worship God but He also walks amongst us and He talks with us. We don't just stand here singing but we live with Him. I have to believe (in my tiny mind) that it's more like that. God is so relational. When He made us, He made us to have a relationship with Him. Yes, to glorify Him, but also for relationship. Even when He made Adam, He saw a need for Eve. So if God is relational and just walks amongst us in heaven, I envision heaven to be a beautiful place. The creation we have now except it's perfect. There's no destruction and just perfect beauty. Jesus walks with His people. I envision being there sitting on a bench in some beautiful nook of woods with Samantha. I see her squirming happily. She's got long blonde hair and mischievious blue eyes. She is wearing a white dress. She's young but understands it all. As she squirms she says "Oh, Mommy! I am so glad you are here! I mean I've been so happy here but I am glad to meet you! I love it here. I love it all and most of all, I love Jesus. He's my very best friend." And I look up and behind me is Jesus. And He says "Can I sit with you guys?" And Jesus comes and He sits with us. Jesus, Mommy, and Samantha Peep are snuggling and hugging and laughing...and life is well, perfect. There's no fear in the back of my mind. No sadness (not one drop!) that this will come to an end. Nothing....it's just beautiful and perfect. Mommy, Samantha, and Jesus....and of course, Daddy comes and joins us too...

B sighed nicely said "That sounds so wonderful, Shannon." And then she said something that made me cry but truly delighted me. "Can I come and sit with you and my goddaughter too?" (B and J are the couple we would have asked to be godparents because they were so influential when I almost had an abortion...and I had shared that with her.) I teared up and "I would love that so much!"

And so we look forward to heaven....And dear God, thank you for best friends who love me and love my child just as she is, a precious child of God, even though we never met her!

~Shannon

Eating Disorder

I have to say that I can't wait to be pregnant again. One is for a totally selfish reason. When I was pregnant, I felt as though I was motivated to eat healthily and not to give into crazy purging techniques because I had a little baby in my care. But now, I'm left to fend on my own. I am still doing okay but it can be hard. I wish I had that motivation though....I have to remind myself that there are plenty of other motivators.

And I just miss you, Samantha.

Shannon

Didn't Light A Candle

Friday night, Chris and I went to a football game with his family. We had a good time. However, halfway there, Chris's alarm on his phone went off. We were both perplexed and then I said "Oh no! How can we light a candle for Samantha Peep at 7 PM if we are not home?!" I started hyperventilating. He told me to breathe. Then I calmed down. I had a realization.

My job now isn't to take care of Samantha Peep. Samantha is more than completely taken care of in God's hands. I did what I could do while our sweet baby was growing inside of my womb. But that's all I could do. Now my earthly work as her mom is done. However, my job is to take what I've learned and to bring glory to God and to witness.

When I realized this, I said "The only one who can make me feel guilty about not lighting a candle is ME. And I'm not going to make myself feel guilty. I'm out. I'm trying to live life and accept that God wants me here right now. So I'm not going to regret my life."

So...I have to remember that the only one who can make me feel guilty is me.

~Shannon

Doctor's Appointment

Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment. Remember last week I had been nervous but needed some medication. My therapist, whom I will refer to as J, recommended me to Dr. F. She said she was great and easy to talk to. J also reassured me that I wouldn't have to get on the scale. She was right.

We got there and they did the standard things like height, temperature, blood pressure, and talked with the nurse. Then Dr. F came in. She was awesome. She was very easy to talk to and we dialogued about meds that are safe for pregnancy, etc. She put me on an antidepressant and an antihistamine to help me sleep again.

Anyhow, because I was so tough and brave (haha) Chris took me shopping. I found some clothes and a few other things. It was pretty awesome. But of course, when we passed the baby section in the store, my heart yearned and it hurt. I felt myself go numb for a minute and we just had to continue on. However, toward the end of our shopping, I did go back into that section. It still hurts...it's still painful but I trust that we will have more babies and also I have friends/family members having babies and we want to be able to celebrate in their joy because life is always joyful.

So I survived and I have some medicinal help. It'll take a couple of weeks to take effect and my hope is that it is short term but I will take it.

~Shannon

Today

Today is Official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. We will be lighting a candle at 7 PM tonight to remember sweet Samantha Peep. We will also remember all the other little babies lost around the world to other families. We pray God gives all of you peace.

~Shannon

Miscarried Babies

Is it bad that I wish that I had miscarried at home or asked to see my baby and remains of my uterus? On the ultrasound, Samantha Peep (though gone) finally looked more like a little person than she did at 6.7 weeks. It's driving me crazy. I kept trying to envision.

Today, I just did an image search on miscarried 9 week babies. I wanted to see what my little Samantha might have looked like. For some reason (which probably no one else gets) it brought me comfort, a little more closure, and peace, to see this sweet little baby all curled up...I envision her sleeping and resting and just having drifted and flown off to Jesus peacefully. It is my hope that is how her transition from earth to heaven was like that.

Love you, baby.

~Shannon

He will save me

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Thanks to E.E.J. who shared this with me. I like where it says 'saves those.' I like that.....a lot.

~Shannon

How I Really Feel

How do I really feel? I'm sitting here and laughing, trying to be normal...but in the back of my mind, I am angry. I am sad. I am grieving.

I want to scream.
I want to shout.
I want to yell.

But I don't do any of that. Why? Because it won't bring Samantha back. She's gone from this earth forever. So I figure no sense in fighting it. But I am so weary.

I know this is normal. I know I'm not crazy. My hormones are fluctuating....
but it doesn't make it feel any better.

Today, I read on another blog that this woman had recently passed the three year anniversary of her baby. I can't even imagine being there. She said that when people told her that time heals (back right after she miscarried) she didn't believe it. I feel that way. But she said that today she does believe it. Time does heal...not all things but it makes it easier. It is my hope that I will believe that soon enough myself.

I am supposed to be heading to Tennessee for a convention with our church in November. Chris is going too. I have been to this event twice before and I always enjoy it but this time I am apprehensive. I agreed to go and I will go. Otherwise, I will pay our church back but I am taking a leap of faith and believing that I will be okay. Somehow, I keep getting overstimulated and that stresses me out. I am apprehensive about the general events with loud bands and speakers. I will be okay with the smaller sessions but the loudness I fear. I prefer to sit in silence or just to listen to a song and softly sing along. I pray that God takes away this overstimulation. I know part of it is an overstimulation from the stress I am still feeling.

Perhaps time will make it better. That's all I can hold onto.

~Shannon

Knowing God Loves Me

Lamentations 3:22-24 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.

Last night, I was working on Christmas presents that I am giving out this year. As I worked and created things, I was praying. I've been quiet lately. I used to talk on the phone, watch TV, prepare dinner, and weight lift all at the same time. Yeah right...now it's one or the other. Which I am okay with. I am more detail-oriented than I used to be too so no complaints there. As I sat, I prayed. I spend a lot of time in quiet communication and prayer with God now just needing His presence. I said "Lord, I just miss my baby. It hurts..." And I was surprised when He wasn't holier than thou with me and instead related and spoke to my heart and I said "I know it hurts. I lost my Son once and it hurt so badly."

I had forgotten all about that. God willingly gave up His only son and sacrificed Him for us. Could I have done that with Samantha Peep? I don't know that I could have...That's why I so desperately needed a Savior. My Heavenly Father did what I could never do. And He knows my hurt...He's been there. The thing that amazes me most is that He willingly chose that hurt to save the world. Willingly. Out of love. That's pretty deep.

I also loved that my prayer last night was so relational. I simply felt the Holy Spirit come and sit with me and just be with me. There was no condemning me for feeling the way I did. There was no lecturing. There was simply presence and peace. And gentle, loving, nurturing words. My heart still hurts but I felt it being held by God.

What A Friend We Have In Jesus (by Joseph Scriven, 1855)

What a friend we have in Jesus
All our sins and griefs to bear
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer
Oh what peace we often forfeit
Oh what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer

~Shannon

Who You'd Be Today

Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today"

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Compassionate Friends

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Brochures/stillbirth_miscarriage_and_infant_death.aspx

Hey...check out that link to Compassionate Friends. This is their brochure/info on stillbirth/miscarriage/infant death. I find it highly encouraging to read because I don't feel crazy now. I may try to check out one of their meetings. The local women's hospital where I had the D&C done also has regular meetings for those struggling with baby loss. I may call them too.

~Shannon

Three weeks

Three weeks ago, I had the D&C done. I feel like I will never stop associating Wednesdays with that experience. Tuesdays with finding out about the loss and Wednesday with the procedure. I felt as though my baby was being taken from me even though I knew she was already gone. I miss her still.

~Shannon

Missing my baby (and hormones!)

I'm certain that my hormones fluctuating must cause me some of my depression and grief over the lost baby. Sometimes I'm completely fine. And then BAM! Tears....Last night was like that. I was tempted to check myself in to our psychiatric hospital in town. Chris and I talked and I calmed down. I have an appointment with my new doctor next Monday but it feels so far off. Don't worry...I wouldn't do anything irrational. I would definitely ask for help and find it before doing anything that would hurt me. I don't want to hurt myself...but I also don't want to feel like I want to hurt myself! I just miss Samantha terribly. My body feels empty, my life feels empty, my heart feels empty. I know I can't rely on those feelings but that's how it is. I want another baby to love on and to raise....

~Shannon

Fighting the eating disorder

The eating disorder (which I often use to refer to my struggle rather than bulimia because I was not a classic bulimic especially not in recent times) is trying to rear it's head on me again. But today I had a hopeful thought. The last time I did anything like take laxatives, throw up, etc. was July 30th. That was 2 months and 13 days ago. I have made it that long. Of course, I had the motivation of taking care of a little baby. But who knows...there could be a little one in me right now again. One can not know. Also, why would I do something to myself that I would never allow anyone else that I love to do to themself? It is not logical. I forced myself to eat a healthy breakfast and now I am finally eating lunch (it was a battle....it's now 2:15 PM) today and I will go home and eat dinner. Chris and I will take a walk, maybe play some football, and we'll have a nice night. I will not succumb to the false temptations that offer me temporary relief and control.

Sometimes I wonder if this is my cross to bear....

Jealousy, Questioning, Confusion

Since all of this happened, since I knew all of this might happen, I have struggled with not asking why. But I've tried not to ask. I tried and have been content be mystified and confused. But yesterday, those feelings in me arose. I know that anger and questioning is a part of grieving but it's a part I'm not comfortable with. It makes me want to flee from those feelings. So there's three things I'm struggling with.

I am struggling with jealousy. Perhaps envy is a better word. I am not coveting what my neighbor has, not wishing I had it instead of them but just wondering why I don't have it too. I would never wish my dearest friends and family members to go through a miscarriage but I can't help but envy those that are pregnant and wish I was in the same boat. Last night, I had a great conversation with a dear friend (thanks S.B.) who is pregnant and would have been just a week or two behind me if I was still. She was a blessing to talk to. Being a mom herself now, I feel like she really understands how much I loved little Samantha. I had prayed that God would let my one of my best friends be pregnant with me. I felt as though my prayers were answered when she called and said she was pregnant. I was so excited. So now I am sad. I started to think that maybe God liked this dear friend more than me but then I realized that wasn't rational or true but my sinful self thinking.

I also realized that even though their is pain in the blessing of her pregnancy for me, there is also blessing. As I said, she has still been a close support and she does understand the "mom" feelings that arise in me because she is there herself. So I can't fault God. He is good. His ways are better than mine.

I also struggle with questioning. Why would God do this to me? Is this a punishment? While I know all the rational and clear areas and what Scripture tells me, it still doesn't answer those deep questions that lurk in the back of my mind and arise in the dead of night.

Confusion goes along with questioning. Did I do something wrong? Why did He let me fall in love just to take the baby away? The other thing that I wonder about is if there's something wrong with my body. Will I have other children?

However, the fact of the matter is that only God knows the depths of my heart and the answer to all my hurts. And while I don't understand how He works, one thing remains preeminent in my life; that He is good and loves me always. I know He would never hurt me.

But yet....I am still human and must contend with my envy, questions, and confusion....

~Shannon