Three years ago, Chris and I got married at four o'clock at my parents' home church in Michigan. We had pictures done separately before the ceremony but did not see each other. My day was special. Early in the day, my best friends and I waltzed around the living room to a CD Chris has made for me for wedding day. It had Chapel of Love on it. So we traipsed around joyfully....My hair was done up, my make up was done, and my jewelry was on....when we got to the church. We put on my dress! Which I adored! My best friend R (one of my bridesmaids) had notes from all of my dearest friends from a few months before.....and she handed them out to me throughout the day and sent me a stack for the honeymoon. They were notes filled with encouraging words for wedding day and for our marriage. I still have most of those notes and they are so special to me! So I read those notes.....went to the bathroom. And then it was time for the ceremony....
Canon in D was played as our bridal party entered. Our best man James carried in a processional cross...which everyone stood for. Then the bridal party entered in.......Then the music shifted. My best friend B sang the first verse of Love Divine, All Loves Excelling. Then the doors opened and my dad and I entered in......and my sister and soon to be sister in law (both age 13)....carried the train of my dress in. It was neat. I was nervous and shaking though! And then my dad passed me on to Chris, joining our hands. The best feeling in the world was as I walked down the aisle and Chris was looking me in the eye with the most awesome expression...He was teary, he later told me...it was so sweet. The ceremony was special....We lit a beautiful unity candle that was unique and gorgeous---made by Chris's grandmother. We had a couple of very special hymns played. For us, we had wanted a service, not just a ceremony. The rings were not just put on our hands but actually blessed to be a significant and symbolic part of our marriage. Sweet stuff!
After the ceremony, we signed the license--where of course, I accidentally signed my maiden name. Sigh! :) Then we took communion together with our best man-dear friend J-and maid of honor-sister B-and....that was so special for us....to be kneeling with saints and before the throne of God for the first time as a husband and wife. After that, we had a beautiful bubble exit out of the church. That was fun.
Then there were lots and lots and lots of pictures!
The reception was fun too.....dinner tasted great. When we went to cut the cake, Chris accidentally gave me a piece like three times too big for my mouth! We have some great pictures of us laughing really, really hard because I was like 'eek! I can't chew!' And we did the bouquet toss, garter hunt/throw....my father and Chris thanked everyone for coming. We had so much fun. Then...we danced. It was super special to dance with my Daddy...who told me these words 'you'll never be lonely again.' He was right. Chris and I danced to Michael W. Smith's song 'Love of My Life'...truly a song that has become more and more ours as we've been married for three years. We dance to it in our living room now and hold each other close as we let those words and music cover us. My best friends and I had a circle up, arms around each other, dance to the song 'Friends' which says 'friends are friends forever if the Lord's the Lord of them....' That was so special.
Anyhow, I look back on that day with fondness....and really enjoyed it. There are certainly things I would have done differently. But it was still so meaningful!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Samantha's beginning of life and three year anniversary of marriage
Based on what we know, our sweet Samantha Peep, our first baby, was conceived on July 11th, of last year. This is her one year anniversary of life. She started as a sweet little set of cells and developed into a tiny looking newborn...and she was in the arms of Jesus then.
I've cried on and off all day so far. I'm so grateful that my best friend EE was able to be available to talk last night. It was so comforting to talk for an hour to her and have her listen and know that she cares...and that she says the right thing!
Today is also our three year anniversary. We struggle because our anniversary will never just be our anniversary with joy anymore but will always be mixed with sorrow and also joy over Samant
But I am happy to say.....that I adore my husband. There are very very few marriages and relationships I envy because I really am so content in being married to him. He is a wonderful provider, a strong emotional support, my protector and defender, and just sweet....Last week he made me a cheesecake all for me....which we decided to share with his family while they were over for the evening...but the rest is mine--in the freezer--to cut little pieces off of as I want. It was so sweet. He insisted that I shower first last night.....after our church pool party. He has been so sensitive and tender, especially these past six months, in dealing with my needs and taking care of me and our baby. He is so dedicated to the two of us...and I am so blessed. I love that man passionately and deeply .....and best of all, I know he loves me! When I look back to three years ago, I realize how special our wedding day was...but how even more special our marriage has been, because we have become one from the two that we were. We are so blessed. Most of all, the man is Christ-centered which is of utmost importance to me. When my best friend R's baby girl Alexi went into the hospital, I was in tears, talking with another friend, listening to a voicemail from R....We were in the middle of our nightly game of cribbage and Chris stopped the game, looked at me...and said that we needed to pray. He took my hands and he prayed out loud for Alexi and her mommy and daddy...This was of great comfort to me. I see him developing into such a strong, wonderful, godly man...and I am so blessed! So many people do not have this relationship that we have....and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
This baby kicks a lot these days. There is a lot of movement and we love this child so much. But......this baby is not Samantha. Nor is Samantha this baby. We love them exclusively and equally. As do we Dominic and Noah, and will all of our children.
But I am grateful to be almost 26 weeks along with our rainbow baby. This is a blessing.
But it still hurts. Very badly. I want Samantha with all my heart. And I look at others who recently had babies, especially back in April, and I wonder what Samantha would be doing and what she'd be like today.
My heart feels like it's breaking all over again today.
~Shannon
I've cried on and off all day so far. I'm so grateful that my best friend EE was able to be available to talk last night. It was so comforting to talk for an hour to her and have her listen and know that she cares...and that she says the right thing!
Today is also our three year anniversary. We struggle because our anniversary will never just be our anniversary with joy anymore but will always be mixed with sorrow and also joy over Samant
But I am happy to say.....that I adore my husband. There are very very few marriages and relationships I envy because I really am so content in being married to him. He is a wonderful provider, a strong emotional support, my protector and defender, and just sweet....Last week he made me a cheesecake all for me....which we decided to share with his family while they were over for the evening...but the rest is mine--in the freezer--to cut little pieces off of as I want. It was so sweet. He insisted that I shower first last night.....after our church pool party. He has been so sensitive and tender, especially these past six months, in dealing with my needs and taking care of me and our baby. He is so dedicated to the two of us...and I am so blessed. I love that man passionately and deeply .....and best of all, I know he loves me! When I look back to three years ago, I realize how special our wedding day was...but how even more special our marriage has been, because we have become one from the two that we were. We are so blessed. Most of all, the man is Christ-centered which is of utmost importance to me. When my best friend R's baby girl Alexi went into the hospital, I was in tears, talking with another friend, listening to a voicemail from R....We were in the middle of our nightly game of cribbage and Chris stopped the game, looked at me...and said that we needed to pray. He took my hands and he prayed out loud for Alexi and her mommy and daddy...This was of great comfort to me. I see him developing into such a strong, wonderful, godly man...and I am so blessed! So many people do not have this relationship that we have....and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
This baby kicks a lot these days. There is a lot of movement and we love this child so much. But......this baby is not Samantha. Nor is Samantha this baby. We love them exclusively and equally. As do we Dominic and Noah, and will all of our children.
But I am grateful to be almost 26 weeks along with our rainbow baby. This is a blessing.
But it still hurts. Very badly. I want Samantha with all my heart. And I look at others who recently had babies, especially back in April, and I wonder what Samantha would be doing and what she'd be like today.
My heart feels like it's breaking all over again today.
~Shannon
Friday, July 8, 2011
Life update
Everything has been going fairly well. The pregnancy is going great. Minus not feeling well here and there.
My best friend Renae had a darling baby girl about two weeks ago. Alexi did end up in the hospital due to some feeding/dehydration issues but is doing much better now. Such a blessing. Renae having Alexi and my best friend Sarah having Seth back in April has really gotten me ready for October when we can have this baby. Chris and I are so ready.
Chris and I are both frustrated with someone in our extended family. This person believes they can treat people however they want and there should be no consequences. We're not sure where this behavior shift came from, as this person was not always like this. They say they haven't changed at all but EVERYONE except this person has noticed and observed a change. Whatever. We aren't concerned. We have a great bunch of friends and some other great family members and if this person wants to come around, in time, they will...If not, that's fine too. But we have decided we are not going to put up with crap. We don't put up with it with each other. We certainly won't put up with it from other people. You can't act however you want and have no consequences. Relationships don't work that way!
We are looking forward to August. Beginning of baby shower seasons. It's hard because we never had a shower for Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. These milestones are hard at times but wonderful because we are so blessed with this precious child.
This baby is so loved. My best friends have been giving little gifts. Maternity shirts, baby clothes, a You Are Special by Max Lucado book.....We are so blessed and lucky! I get cards and little messages randomly to remind me and baby how excited these friends are. My mom also has given us some clothing which was sweet.
My support group has been awesome. They are such a good place to talk things over, get support, and get encouragement to do the right thing. I am so blessed with such special people in my life.
We are changing churches in August. This will be a difficult transition because we will miss all of our friends from St. Luke. However, we are so excited about new church and already love it. The pastor is great and the people are friendly. We are looking forward to it!
We just love you, Sprout! We are so looking forward to October! Or maybe November if you come a little bit late. Hehe...
We are so blessed....! So no updates doesn't mean that there was no good news! It just means that we were trekking along!
~S
My best friend Renae had a darling baby girl about two weeks ago. Alexi did end up in the hospital due to some feeding/dehydration issues but is doing much better now. Such a blessing. Renae having Alexi and my best friend Sarah having Seth back in April has really gotten me ready for October when we can have this baby. Chris and I are so ready.
Chris and I are both frustrated with someone in our extended family. This person believes they can treat people however they want and there should be no consequences. We're not sure where this behavior shift came from, as this person was not always like this. They say they haven't changed at all but EVERYONE except this person has noticed and observed a change. Whatever. We aren't concerned. We have a great bunch of friends and some other great family members and if this person wants to come around, in time, they will...If not, that's fine too. But we have decided we are not going to put up with crap. We don't put up with it with each other. We certainly won't put up with it from other people. You can't act however you want and have no consequences. Relationships don't work that way!
We are looking forward to August. Beginning of baby shower seasons. It's hard because we never had a shower for Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. These milestones are hard at times but wonderful because we are so blessed with this precious child.
This baby is so loved. My best friends have been giving little gifts. Maternity shirts, baby clothes, a You Are Special by Max Lucado book.....We are so blessed and lucky! I get cards and little messages randomly to remind me and baby how excited these friends are. My mom also has given us some clothing which was sweet.
My support group has been awesome. They are such a good place to talk things over, get support, and get encouragement to do the right thing. I am so blessed with such special people in my life.
We are changing churches in August. This will be a difficult transition because we will miss all of our friends from St. Luke. However, we are so excited about new church and already love it. The pastor is great and the people are friendly. We are looking forward to it!
We just love you, Sprout! We are so looking forward to October! Or maybe November if you come a little bit late. Hehe...
We are so blessed....! So no updates doesn't mean that there was no good news! It just means that we were trekking along!
~S
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Maternity swimwear
So my latest pregnancy dilemma...
What to wear to swim in at 25 weeks pregnant? I have not figured it out yet....sigh.
The maternity swimwear is too expensive...and the bigger sizes are too big everywhere else.
I could just not swim.
But I want to swim.
Annoying.
~Shannon
What to wear to swim in at 25 weeks pregnant? I have not figured it out yet....sigh.
The maternity swimwear is too expensive...and the bigger sizes are too big everywhere else.
I could just not swim.
But I want to swim.
Annoying.
~Shannon
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Remembering Ripley Ann (for Jessica)
Dear Ripley Ann,
Where to start? I can't even begin. When your mom called me last week and told me they thought she was losing you, my heart started to quiver. When she called again and said you had gone to live with Jesus, my heart started to break. I know what it's like to lose a baby. Three of them are with you, in heaven, with Jesus...but they aren't here with me.
What would I want to tell you, Ripley? I'd want to tell you that you are very loved. The day your mom found out she was pregnant, she couldn't keep her lips sealed. She called me and told me the awesome joyful news. I could hear joy overflowing in her voice. She and your daddy were amazed and surprised to find out that you were inside of you. And...they loved you already.
Every time we talked, your mom and I, I knew she loved you. And when she lost you, she wept and sobbed because nothing hurts more than losing someone you love...especially someone like you.
I'm certain you are beautiful, Ripley. I know that you are precious. I envision how darling you must be. And I can imagine you've got the best personality, sweet, funny, quirky....You would be a precious combination of your parents.
Ripley, we know that you are with Jesus. And someday we will all be in heaven with you. Your mom can't wait until eternity. She loves you dearly and will always look forward to that embrace. Thank you for blessing her life and through her, blessing mine, with your sweet precious life.
Love,
Aunt Shannon
P.S. Give your cousins Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a hug. Tell them I love them.
*For my best friend, Jess, who lost Ripley Ann, at the end of last week. I get it. It hurts. There's nothing that can make the pain disappear. But we have hope in Jesus and we will see Ripley again.*
Where to start? I can't even begin. When your mom called me last week and told me they thought she was losing you, my heart started to quiver. When she called again and said you had gone to live with Jesus, my heart started to break. I know what it's like to lose a baby. Three of them are with you, in heaven, with Jesus...but they aren't here with me.
What would I want to tell you, Ripley? I'd want to tell you that you are very loved. The day your mom found out she was pregnant, she couldn't keep her lips sealed. She called me and told me the awesome joyful news. I could hear joy overflowing in her voice. She and your daddy were amazed and surprised to find out that you were inside of you. And...they loved you already.
Every time we talked, your mom and I, I knew she loved you. And when she lost you, she wept and sobbed because nothing hurts more than losing someone you love...especially someone like you.
I'm certain you are beautiful, Ripley. I know that you are precious. I envision how darling you must be. And I can imagine you've got the best personality, sweet, funny, quirky....You would be a precious combination of your parents.
Ripley, we know that you are with Jesus. And someday we will all be in heaven with you. Your mom can't wait until eternity. She loves you dearly and will always look forward to that embrace. Thank you for blessing her life and through her, blessing mine, with your sweet precious life.
Love,
Aunt Shannon
P.S. Give your cousins Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a hug. Tell them I love them.
*For my best friend, Jess, who lost Ripley Ann, at the end of last week. I get it. It hurts. There's nothing that can make the pain disappear. But we have hope in Jesus and we will see Ripley again.*
Thursday, June 9, 2011
A friend of mine
When someone else you love goes through something you've been through, it hurts. And it hurts double...because you know how bad they hurt.
A friend of mine may be losing their baby and my heart is just breaking for them. It also takes me right back to the days where I lost my babies. Sad, sad days.
~Shannon
A friend of mine may be losing their baby and my heart is just breaking for them. It also takes me right back to the days where I lost my babies. Sad, sad days.
~Shannon
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Nausea and vomiting/ 21 weeks
So over the past three weeks I have really been not feeling well. The nausea/vomiting has gotten worse and worse. After being out of town for a few days, I ended up in the ER last night. I was starting to dehydrate and could not keep ANYTHING down. That was incredibly frustrating.
The good news was I got fluids and started to feel much better. I also got a prescription for anti-nausea and anti-heartburn meds. I hadn't slept in a few days either so I was in rough shape, physically. Finally, this morning, I feel better! I am supposed to take these meds around the clock so ideally my nausea/vomiting should be taken care of.
I sent a text out to someone yesterday, expressing how frustrated I was because I felt like I wasn't able to function because I feel that I have been sick most of the past year due to all four pregnancies. I can't even call people or talk on the phone as much as possible. I spend a good chunk of time each day just laying down trying not to be sick. I haven't been able to see people as much as I'd like and it seems like Chris and I have limited time together and most of the time we are together, I am sick. It's been difficult. In the car is the worst. That's part of why we made our trip longer this weekend to visit family and friends in Michigan. Even when we were out of town this past weekend, I was sick a lot of it....on the car trip, it took us almost eight hours instead the four and a half it normally does and on the way home, I was sick. I felt nauseated waiting for food at a wedding on Saturday because lunch had worn off. It gets frustrating...but then I remember that this baby is inside of me and is growing and is healthy and that this is just part of the process...
On an awesomer note though, I'm 21 weeks pregnant. As of yesterday. How cool is that? Granted I wish I could celebrate with more than a barf bucket and Gatorade but only 19 weeks to go...MORE THAN HALFWAY THERE! So blessed. And yet so scared...and still worried and still missing the other babies.
~Shannon
The good news was I got fluids and started to feel much better. I also got a prescription for anti-nausea and anti-heartburn meds. I hadn't slept in a few days either so I was in rough shape, physically. Finally, this morning, I feel better! I am supposed to take these meds around the clock so ideally my nausea/vomiting should be taken care of.
I sent a text out to someone yesterday, expressing how frustrated I was because I felt like I wasn't able to function because I feel that I have been sick most of the past year due to all four pregnancies. I can't even call people or talk on the phone as much as possible. I spend a good chunk of time each day just laying down trying not to be sick. I haven't been able to see people as much as I'd like and it seems like Chris and I have limited time together and most of the time we are together, I am sick. It's been difficult. In the car is the worst. That's part of why we made our trip longer this weekend to visit family and friends in Michigan. Even when we were out of town this past weekend, I was sick a lot of it....on the car trip, it took us almost eight hours instead the four and a half it normally does and on the way home, I was sick. I felt nauseated waiting for food at a wedding on Saturday because lunch had worn off. It gets frustrating...but then I remember that this baby is inside of me and is growing and is healthy and that this is just part of the process...
On an awesomer note though, I'm 21 weeks pregnant. As of yesterday. How cool is that? Granted I wish I could celebrate with more than a barf bucket and Gatorade but only 19 weeks to go...MORE THAN HALFWAY THERE! So blessed. And yet so scared...and still worried and still missing the other babies.
~Shannon
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
My three heaven living babies
June 3rd. I have no clue whether or not Samantha would have been born on April 3rd. I just know that it is the due date we were given. So it's the closest thing I have to what a birthdate would have been. In two days, I realize that Samantha could have been two months old.
Dominic...I thought was going to be our miracle baby. I thought he'd be the peace that came after Samantha. It wasn't to be so. He would have been due in early August, I believe.
Noah. Our first 2011 conception and beautiful baby. I thought he was our New Year, New Hope Baby. But I was wrong again. He was only with us for a short time. I miss him....I feel him inside of me still in a sense......because Sprout came into me just a couple of weeks after he left. They practically shared the space in my body. Because two weeks after I lost him.....I conceived again. He would be due in mid September...would have been probably just about a month before my current due date of October 18th. Instead of 20 weeks pregnant, I'd be 24....Crazy.
But I don't want him in place of Sprout. But nor would I pick this baby in place of Noah, Dominic, and Samantha....and it would be cruel of anyone, even myself, to force me to pick one of them over another.
Yesterday was my 20 weeks mark and my BIG ultrasound. We found out what the gender is but still are not going to announce until the birth... It will take some processing to accept. I knew no matter whether they told us boy or girl that it would be difficult because we've lost one little girl and two little boys already so either way, our hearts would hurt. I also realized that this baby....has one big sister and one big brother. And I so wonder if Sprout's siblings would look like him/her now that I've seen Sprout's features on the ultrasound. I believe Sprout has Daddy's nose and mouth, and Mommy's chin...and a combo of both of our foreheads. What would Samantha, Dominic, and Noah look like? Would they look like Sprout? Would they look like me or like Chris? Questions I don't think I'll ever know the answer to this side of heaven.
I cried last night.
I let yesterday be Sprout's. I was filled with joy at this little miracle inside of me. Chris and I marveled at the perfectly made, delicate body parts we saw.......we realized again how precious life is...by looking at this tiny baby inside of me. I let myself rejoice in this little baby that is currently inside.
But by night, grief had built up. And my best friend R is so good at reminding me that grief has to be let out...Like a faucet, you have to open the spigot and let it flow....or else the pressure gets too heavy and could burst. I cried a little. I'm still missing the other babies. And I feel so cheated out of life with them and out of the pregnancy with them. Samantha, somewhat, I got to marvel over her features. But neither Dominic or Noah.....they were here and gone in the blink of an eye.
I miss them still.
But I love Sprout.
I remind myself that it's okay to feel both ways at one time...but it is hard. I feel like I am cheating this baby out of the current joy that I should have for him/her...but.....I know that it's reality. Life is not perfect. The loss of our three babies has forever changed who we are, who I am, and I have to accept that. It will impact me forever, as long as I live, I think.....and that's just part of the reality and the family we have........
That's a lot...and I know it's heavy...but it needed to be said!
~Shannon
Dominic...I thought was going to be our miracle baby. I thought he'd be the peace that came after Samantha. It wasn't to be so. He would have been due in early August, I believe.
Noah. Our first 2011 conception and beautiful baby. I thought he was our New Year, New Hope Baby. But I was wrong again. He was only with us for a short time. I miss him....I feel him inside of me still in a sense......because Sprout came into me just a couple of weeks after he left. They practically shared the space in my body. Because two weeks after I lost him.....I conceived again. He would be due in mid September...would have been probably just about a month before my current due date of October 18th. Instead of 20 weeks pregnant, I'd be 24....Crazy.
But I don't want him in place of Sprout. But nor would I pick this baby in place of Noah, Dominic, and Samantha....and it would be cruel of anyone, even myself, to force me to pick one of them over another.
Yesterday was my 20 weeks mark and my BIG ultrasound. We found out what the gender is but still are not going to announce until the birth... It will take some processing to accept. I knew no matter whether they told us boy or girl that it would be difficult because we've lost one little girl and two little boys already so either way, our hearts would hurt. I also realized that this baby....has one big sister and one big brother. And I so wonder if Sprout's siblings would look like him/her now that I've seen Sprout's features on the ultrasound. I believe Sprout has Daddy's nose and mouth, and Mommy's chin...and a combo of both of our foreheads. What would Samantha, Dominic, and Noah look like? Would they look like Sprout? Would they look like me or like Chris? Questions I don't think I'll ever know the answer to this side of heaven.
I cried last night.
I let yesterday be Sprout's. I was filled with joy at this little miracle inside of me. Chris and I marveled at the perfectly made, delicate body parts we saw.......we realized again how precious life is...by looking at this tiny baby inside of me. I let myself rejoice in this little baby that is currently inside.
But by night, grief had built up. And my best friend R is so good at reminding me that grief has to be let out...Like a faucet, you have to open the spigot and let it flow....or else the pressure gets too heavy and could burst. I cried a little. I'm still missing the other babies. And I feel so cheated out of life with them and out of the pregnancy with them. Samantha, somewhat, I got to marvel over her features. But neither Dominic or Noah.....they were here and gone in the blink of an eye.
I miss them still.
But I love Sprout.
I remind myself that it's okay to feel both ways at one time...but it is hard. I feel like I am cheating this baby out of the current joy that I should have for him/her...but.....I know that it's reality. Life is not perfect. The loss of our three babies has forever changed who we are, who I am, and I have to accept that. It will impact me forever, as long as I live, I think.....and that's just part of the reality and the family we have........
That's a lot...and I know it's heavy...but it needed to be said!
~Shannon
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
19 weeks, 1 day
I am nineteen weeks along. Next week is our big ultrasound. Anticipating everything going well with this but still nervous of course.
Our house is starting to get more and more cozy and the way we want it to be. They say it takes a year to get settled. It's been just over a year ish...and we are finally getting things set up the way that we want to. We rearranged the living room last night, discussing where we want to get/keep an arts and crafts chest and where we'll set up the play pen. We have a beautiful solid oak board that will be turned into a shelf in our kitchen. We can put some extra appliances on the shelf and then we will be able to have more counter space.
Sprout's room is painted and ready as things come into it. We just need to clean out the closet, but we'll save that for another day--it's not too big of a closet...and it'll be easier if we actually have a plan/place to move those things.
We are going to find out the sex next week if we can...and then I will be making little boy/girl specific things, etc. and be able to really imagine this baby in October.
Things are coming together in our house! Which is great. They are also coming together outside....landscaping, plants, etc. Slowly but surely.....which is amazing. Most credit goes to Chris, who is in school full time and working full time, and yet manages our home and our marriage with such care. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man! He takes such good care of me and provides financially and emotionally. I am so glad I have that security. Over the past five months, our marriage has really blossomed and has flourished and I think that the miscarriages actually made us stronger.
Anyway, that's a lot of rambling....out of my pregnant brain...
But things are good. And I have quite a few quiet days at work so that's awesome too. Things were hectic for awhile so I wasn't sure what to expect...but they settled!
That's it....
~Shannon
Our house is starting to get more and more cozy and the way we want it to be. They say it takes a year to get settled. It's been just over a year ish...and we are finally getting things set up the way that we want to. We rearranged the living room last night, discussing where we want to get/keep an arts and crafts chest and where we'll set up the play pen. We have a beautiful solid oak board that will be turned into a shelf in our kitchen. We can put some extra appliances on the shelf and then we will be able to have more counter space.
Sprout's room is painted and ready as things come into it. We just need to clean out the closet, but we'll save that for another day--it's not too big of a closet...and it'll be easier if we actually have a plan/place to move those things.
We are going to find out the sex next week if we can...and then I will be making little boy/girl specific things, etc. and be able to really imagine this baby in October.
Things are coming together in our house! Which is great. They are also coming together outside....landscaping, plants, etc. Slowly but surely.....which is amazing. Most credit goes to Chris, who is in school full time and working full time, and yet manages our home and our marriage with such care. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man! He takes such good care of me and provides financially and emotionally. I am so glad I have that security. Over the past five months, our marriage has really blossomed and has flourished and I think that the miscarriages actually made us stronger.
Anyway, that's a lot of rambling....out of my pregnant brain...
But things are good. And I have quite a few quiet days at work so that's awesome too. Things were hectic for awhile so I wasn't sure what to expect...but they settled!
That's it....
~Shannon
Monday, May 23, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
18 weeks pregnant
Why does 18 sound like more than 17?
I guess it is...
But wow.
Today I'm 18 weeks pregnant.
Thank you, Lord.
~Shannon
I guess it is...
But wow.
Today I'm 18 weeks pregnant.
Thank you, Lord.
~Shannon
Monday, May 16, 2011
Every milestone
I just have to say...
Because this is my place to share things...
Every milestone with this baby makes me miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a whole lot.
A whole lot.
Because I missed out on all of theirs.
And no, it doesn't make me feel better that I wouldn't have Sprout if it wasn't for their losses. I could never choose between two of my children and putting them in the fate of time box doesn't make me feel better. My heart, regardless of reality, wants all four of our children in our home now...but that's not how life is.
Anyhow, I feel a little better now that I shared this. It's good to be real here.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Because this is my place to share things...
Every milestone with this baby makes me miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a whole lot.
A whole lot.
Because I missed out on all of theirs.
And no, it doesn't make me feel better that I wouldn't have Sprout if it wasn't for their losses. I could never choose between two of my children and putting them in the fate of time box doesn't make me feel better. My heart, regardless of reality, wants all four of our children in our home now...but that's not how life is.
Anyhow, I feel a little better now that I shared this. It's good to be real here.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Little blessings
The baby room is painted. Soon to become a true nursery...as furniture and things fill it up!
Chris and I have a good plan for child care figured out between the two of us. We really didn't want to have to use outside childcare, not even family or friends too often....We really wanted to, as parents, provide this baby care ourselves, as much as possible. He will be doing nursing school part time and I will be working part-time. This will be a good transition for both of us, I think, allowing all three of us to have time as a family...as well as allowing our child sufficient parental attention.
We have our registry done. Wow.
Our twenty week ultrasound is set up.
We have started talking about baptism, godparents, names, etc.
We are moving in the right direction of baby-hood. This is a blessing!
~Shannon
Chris and I have a good plan for child care figured out between the two of us. We really didn't want to have to use outside childcare, not even family or friends too often....We really wanted to, as parents, provide this baby care ourselves, as much as possible. He will be doing nursing school part time and I will be working part-time. This will be a good transition for both of us, I think, allowing all three of us to have time as a family...as well as allowing our child sufficient parental attention.
We have our registry done. Wow.
Our twenty week ultrasound is set up.
We have started talking about baptism, godparents, names, etc.
We are moving in the right direction of baby-hood. This is a blessing!
~Shannon
18 weeks pregnant
Tomorrow I will be eighteen weeks pregnant.
That's thrilling.
And yet, I'm still terrified something is wrong.
Why? Nothing has been wrong. I'm still afraid that something is wrong....
I'm hoping all is well...
I'm so grateful for my husband, my sister B, and my best friends...because with them....JUST knowing that they care and they seem to 'get it' better than the average person helps me.......I love them. So much.
But every day is a day closer.
~Shannon
That's thrilling.
And yet, I'm still terrified something is wrong.
Why? Nothing has been wrong. I'm still afraid that something is wrong....
I'm hoping all is well...
I'm so grateful for my husband, my sister B, and my best friends...because with them....JUST knowing that they care and they seem to 'get it' better than the average person helps me.......I love them. So much.
But every day is a day closer.
~Shannon
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
In sixth months it might all be different
In six months, it might all be different.
I'm scared to believe that.
But I'm hoping it's true.
I had a dentist appointment today. When I was done with my cleaning, I went to schedule my next appointment in six months. Which was the beginning of November. I was amazed to think that at the time I would be getting the next cleaning, I could have a tiny baby! A baby! A baby! It kind of excited me...
So it made me realize that we are slowly trekking through this pregnancy and every day is a day closer to holding little Sprout.
~Shannon
I'm scared to believe that.
But I'm hoping it's true.
I had a dentist appointment today. When I was done with my cleaning, I went to schedule my next appointment in six months. Which was the beginning of November. I was amazed to think that at the time I would be getting the next cleaning, I could have a tiny baby! A baby! A baby! It kind of excited me...
So it made me realize that we are slowly trekking through this pregnancy and every day is a day closer to holding little Sprout.
~Shannon
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mother's Day
Mother's Day was hard. I didn't comment on it before. I kind of just let it sneak up on me. Yesterday, I cried on and off....I called my best friend, B, and shared a little of how I was feeling and then when Chris came home from work...I cried on his shoulder. He reassured me that it was okay to cry and be sad every once in awhile. I didn't let it consume me so that's good. I'm learning to take care of myself. For example, yesterday, I knew it was going to be hard so I didn't make plans. Yes, sometimes plans are good. But I took the time to paint both my fingernails and toenails a lovely shade of summery pink. I laid out on our deck and read a novel. I enjoyed eating fresh fruit and bought a maternity shirt at the mall. I had a couple of nice phone calls, snuggled with my cats, and reflected on God's goodness. It was a day filled with little blessings and God's grace was sufficient to get me through.
Saturday night, Chris and I had gone to church...since he had to work on Sunday. As I skimmed through our bulletin at the beginning of the service, I was a little emotional. There was a Mother's Day prayer that all moms were supposed to speak. I felt overwhelmed. Was I a mom? I know in my heart I am...but I didn't want to overstep my bounds and weird out the people around me. If Samantha had been born, she'd already be here....but she's not. Dominic and Noah are in heaven. And Sprout's still inside of me. Talk about confusion. Chris, oh dear sweet husband he is, said to me that yes, I was a mom, and yes, I should say the prayer. No ifs, ands, or buts. Okay, but I still felt funny. Then our pastor, during the offering, came over to me and asked if I would start the Mother's Day prayer. I cried and then said yes. Then he announced that I would be leading, as the newest mom amongst them, and that the other mom should join in with me. They did and that was really special for me. Chris and I both loved our pastor dearly in that moment! He took a hurting situation and turned it into a healing one!
Anyhow, that's how the day went......I can't say my heart didn't hurt....because it did. But like Chris said...given our experiences...that's normal.
~Shannon
Saturday night, Chris and I had gone to church...since he had to work on Sunday. As I skimmed through our bulletin at the beginning of the service, I was a little emotional. There was a Mother's Day prayer that all moms were supposed to speak. I felt overwhelmed. Was I a mom? I know in my heart I am...but I didn't want to overstep my bounds and weird out the people around me. If Samantha had been born, she'd already be here....but she's not. Dominic and Noah are in heaven. And Sprout's still inside of me. Talk about confusion. Chris, oh dear sweet husband he is, said to me that yes, I was a mom, and yes, I should say the prayer. No ifs, ands, or buts. Okay, but I still felt funny. Then our pastor, during the offering, came over to me and asked if I would start the Mother's Day prayer. I cried and then said yes. Then he announced that I would be leading, as the newest mom amongst them, and that the other mom should join in with me. They did and that was really special for me. Chris and I both loved our pastor dearly in that moment! He took a hurting situation and turned it into a healing one!
Anyhow, that's how the day went......I can't say my heart didn't hurt....because it did. But like Chris said...given our experiences...that's normal.
~Shannon
17 weeks pregnant tomorrow
Tomorrow I will be 17 weeks pregnant. We're excited because LAST weekend, I started to feel wiggles and flutters. That was so cool. I don't feel it all the time but it's there. Our baby Sprout is wiggling.
I can't help but wonder though...how different the pregnancy process would be if I had never miscarried. Then I realize too...in our situation, we wouldn't have Sprout inside of me....if we had never lost Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. The beauty of it is that we don't have to analyze and choose what our reality should be. We just have to accept what it is. And we do love this baby a lot too.
We're getting ready for the ultrasound in between 18-20 weeks so that'll be coming up. I'm nervous about that because you never know what can be wrong. But we are praying and trusting God. He has never left our side before so whatever, healthy or even if something is noted on the ultrasound, we still know that He will be our God and He holds the universe in His hands.
That's reassuring.
~Shannon
I can't help but wonder though...how different the pregnancy process would be if I had never miscarried. Then I realize too...in our situation, we wouldn't have Sprout inside of me....if we had never lost Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. The beauty of it is that we don't have to analyze and choose what our reality should be. We just have to accept what it is. And we do love this baby a lot too.
We're getting ready for the ultrasound in between 18-20 weeks so that'll be coming up. I'm nervous about that because you never know what can be wrong. But we are praying and trusting God. He has never left our side before so whatever, healthy or even if something is noted on the ultrasound, we still know that He will be our God and He holds the universe in His hands.
That's reassuring.
~Shannon
Thursday, April 28, 2011
15.5 weeks pregnant
Yes, it's true. I am just about fifteen and a half weeks pregnant. I am starting to accept that there is a child inside of me and that there is a good possibility that this child will come home with us in October. It's an incredible feeling. I feel so blessed.
And yet, there's an underlying anxiety that doubts......could this really be happening? It's surreal.......I feel a bit disconnected sometimes.
I am reminded daily that I am not in control. God is. Whatever happens is His will. Daily, I have to learn to trust again and leave my burdens at the foot of the cross. And to take it one day at a time.
For today, I accept that there is a beautiful, precious child of God, our little baby Sprout, inside of me and that his or her heart is beating strong and we are blessed.
No matter what happens, we are blessed. Beyond measure. Our God is good.
And we yearn for life, eternal life, that'll never fade, for all of our children...not just temporary earthly passings. Ultimately, to dwell in the presence of the house of the Lord forever.
We are blessed. So are Sprout's sister and brothers. They dance with Jesus every day and celebrate the high feast of the lamb in His presence. There is no pain or sorrow. And one day, we believe we will be there too, and all will be right!
~Shannon
And yet, there's an underlying anxiety that doubts......could this really be happening? It's surreal.......I feel a bit disconnected sometimes.
I am reminded daily that I am not in control. God is. Whatever happens is His will. Daily, I have to learn to trust again and leave my burdens at the foot of the cross. And to take it one day at a time.
For today, I accept that there is a beautiful, precious child of God, our little baby Sprout, inside of me and that his or her heart is beating strong and we are blessed.
No matter what happens, we are blessed. Beyond measure. Our God is good.
And we yearn for life, eternal life, that'll never fade, for all of our children...not just temporary earthly passings. Ultimately, to dwell in the presence of the house of the Lord forever.
We are blessed. So are Sprout's sister and brothers. They dance with Jesus every day and celebrate the high feast of the lamb in His presence. There is no pain or sorrow. And one day, we believe we will be there too, and all will be right!
~Shannon
Easter: Resurrection, Life, and Joy
I was so blessed this past Easter. It was a slightly different experience for me...as I didn't spend it with my husband and either of our families. I spent it with my church family, the body of Christ, for worship, and then a couple of dear friends from church for Easter dinner. And I was blessed!
When I arrived at church on Sunday, I was about five minutes late. This was slightly discombobulating for me as all Easter services are packed and our contemporary service was no exception! I slid into the front row, which wasn't a big deal, because I enjoy sitting up front.....and started worshipping with the band and the rest of the group of believers.
The service was wonderful but I can truly say that the message was what touched my heart the most. I found that what our pastor shared was just what I needed to hear. First, he reminded us that, in the same way that God took care of the stone at the burial site of Christ, that He can take care of all stones and obstacles in our life. Then he also reminded us of how important it was that Christ was buried. First of all, it proves he had died. Secondly, in His burial, Christ was carrying our sins to the grave. When He rises from the dead, in a glorified body, He leaves our sins behind--never again to haunt us or torment us! They were buried and are no more!
While those points in the sermon were incredibly important for me to hear.....there is one more point he made. That was most important. He talked about when everyone is asking the 'why' questions about the crucifixion and Jesus' situation, Jesus answer the question with a who response, NOT a why response. He says 'I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me will never perish but shall have eternal life.'
Why was this so important? I can ask why all I want. I sometimes do wonder why.....Samantha, Dominic, and Noah were taken....I don't have an answer. And yet, as our pastor said, Jesus chooses not to answer the why questions sometimes. But He does answer the who question. Pastor said 'Is it enough for you to know that? That He is the resurrection and the life? He may never answer the why but He answered the who. Do you believe that?'
I do believe that. With all my heart. Despite my circumstances, and the struggles, we've had...I believe that Jesus is the resurrection and the life and He is our hope!!!
One day, we will be reunited with our three precious children...and I pray that the children God blesses us with on earth...will grow to know Him and glorify His name...and that one day, our family will be together and things will finally be right.
Thank you, Lord, that you were forsaken so that we never will be. Thank you, Lord, for carrying our sins far away. And thank you, for giving us eternal life......We would be so lost in despair without you. We love you beyond measure because you loved us first.
~Shannon
When I arrived at church on Sunday, I was about five minutes late. This was slightly discombobulating for me as all Easter services are packed and our contemporary service was no exception! I slid into the front row, which wasn't a big deal, because I enjoy sitting up front.....and started worshipping with the band and the rest of the group of believers.
The service was wonderful but I can truly say that the message was what touched my heart the most. I found that what our pastor shared was just what I needed to hear. First, he reminded us that, in the same way that God took care of the stone at the burial site of Christ, that He can take care of all stones and obstacles in our life. Then he also reminded us of how important it was that Christ was buried. First of all, it proves he had died. Secondly, in His burial, Christ was carrying our sins to the grave. When He rises from the dead, in a glorified body, He leaves our sins behind--never again to haunt us or torment us! They were buried and are no more!
While those points in the sermon were incredibly important for me to hear.....there is one more point he made. That was most important. He talked about when everyone is asking the 'why' questions about the crucifixion and Jesus' situation, Jesus answer the question with a who response, NOT a why response. He says 'I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me will never perish but shall have eternal life.'
Why was this so important? I can ask why all I want. I sometimes do wonder why.....Samantha, Dominic, and Noah were taken....I don't have an answer. And yet, as our pastor said, Jesus chooses not to answer the why questions sometimes. But He does answer the who question. Pastor said 'Is it enough for you to know that? That He is the resurrection and the life? He may never answer the why but He answered the who. Do you believe that?'
I do believe that. With all my heart. Despite my circumstances, and the struggles, we've had...I believe that Jesus is the resurrection and the life and He is our hope!!!
One day, we will be reunited with our three precious children...and I pray that the children God blesses us with on earth...will grow to know Him and glorify His name...and that one day, our family will be together and things will finally be right.
Thank you, Lord, that you were forsaken so that we never will be. Thank you, Lord, for carrying our sins far away. And thank you, for giving us eternal life......We would be so lost in despair without you. We love you beyond measure because you loved us first.
~Shannon
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Life leaves scars...
Life leaves scars.
It doesn't mean healing doesn't take place.
It does.
It simply means that we'll never be the same.
Never the same as we were before that wound was inflicted.
It simply means that there will always be a tender spot.
A reminder of what happened.
I feel so blessed some days. I am almost fourteen and a half weeks pregnant with baby Sprout. Our little one has a gloriously healthy heartbeat and my body seems to be pregnant still. We are out of the first trimester.
And yet, somedays, my aches from my scars flare up. Like when the people around me are having babies that we should have shared a birth month with and I know that my first child, Samantha, would have been due this month. Mother's Day is next month. That's going to be hard too. Also, our little sisters are going to be/have gotten confirmed in their home church. When I envisioned all that happening, I planned on Samantha Peep being in the picture. She's not. Our arms are still empty and anxiously we wait and plan, not knowing whether or not this child will come home with us.
I sometimes feel that I can't focus on this baby. I am afraid to get too attached. When I start to get attached, I start to cry and I start to feel panicked, like someone is going to take this baby away. I am helpless to stop anything from happening, I am helpless to protect my child, and I am terrified that it's going to happen again.
I also struggle with body image. My body hasn't gone through major changes yet, but it is changing. It's weird. I can, technically, still wear my regular clothes. However, they are not comfortable. My hips are shifting and my uterus is rising up and starting to fill out...I've not baby bumped yet but my body is changing. I try to remember that my body is changing to accomodate and grow a baby. That my body is essentially my baby's body right now too! At least, it is my baby's home right now...so he/she is going to have an impact. But sometimes, I put something on and I panic because it doesn't feel or look exactly the same as it once did.
Faith is also a struggle. I know that I believe in creator God, Savior Jesus Christ, and ever-present Holy Spirit. However, different doctrinal things have been on my heart. I have really been struggling with that. It's something I need to explore with Scripture and pastoral guidance.
I am also really struggling emotionally. I think part of it what I wrote about earlier. The loss of Samantha, Dominic, and of Noah.........I know that this is simply the way things are and I can't not be grateful that Sprout is in me. I need to find acceptance. I don't have to find understanding. Sometimes our human minds can not comprehend the will of God. He doesn't ask that we understand. We are simply to accept and have faith. I struggle with that. Not so much maybe acceptance but still that sadness that comes with living in a sinful world. I also struggle with knowing that I almost got rid of Samantha. It's so interesting how in one moment I felt so strongly one way and then in so many others, I would give ANYTHING for her to be present.
Emotionally, I have been really depressed. J and Chris want me to possibly go onto a medication but I am nervous because I am pregnant. However, leaving me unmedicated might be bad too. It's a difficult decision to make and one that won't be reached without lots of questioning and prayer. I have also been battling self-destructive thoughts and patterns. My best friends and sister have been available though...and that is a blessing.
I am also blessed to be in a support group with a bunch of other women who get the eating disorder component of life. They do, they get it. It is a blessing to spend time with them and be reassured that I am not alone and misunderstood and also to have guidance in those difficult days. They have offered a tremendous amount of the support recently and I feel blessed because of that.
One other area I am struggling with is the fear of being a new mom. I am afraid of a lot of things! I also am uncertain and feel that I will be awkward in many of the areas of parenting. Now, what I don't want from people is advice...I simply want people to make themselves available so that I have support when I have questions or concerns.
I also worry that our timing to have children was wrong. We've had to do some discussing of jobs, childcare, education, and a variety of things, and trying to juggle and shift things stresses me. I don't deal with change or transition well and so I think I am a little nervous at how big of a change having a baby will be. However, I do believe children are a blessing and that therefore, we are/will be blessed and taken care of. It's just hard. Depression and severe anxiety makes everything worse.
That's what is going on. That's a fairly raw and real expression of how I've been feeling lately and what's been going through my mind.
~Shannon
It doesn't mean healing doesn't take place.
It does.
It simply means that we'll never be the same.
Never the same as we were before that wound was inflicted.
It simply means that there will always be a tender spot.
A reminder of what happened.
I feel so blessed some days. I am almost fourteen and a half weeks pregnant with baby Sprout. Our little one has a gloriously healthy heartbeat and my body seems to be pregnant still. We are out of the first trimester.
And yet, somedays, my aches from my scars flare up. Like when the people around me are having babies that we should have shared a birth month with and I know that my first child, Samantha, would have been due this month. Mother's Day is next month. That's going to be hard too. Also, our little sisters are going to be/have gotten confirmed in their home church. When I envisioned all that happening, I planned on Samantha Peep being in the picture. She's not. Our arms are still empty and anxiously we wait and plan, not knowing whether or not this child will come home with us.
I sometimes feel that I can't focus on this baby. I am afraid to get too attached. When I start to get attached, I start to cry and I start to feel panicked, like someone is going to take this baby away. I am helpless to stop anything from happening, I am helpless to protect my child, and I am terrified that it's going to happen again.
I also struggle with body image. My body hasn't gone through major changes yet, but it is changing. It's weird. I can, technically, still wear my regular clothes. However, they are not comfortable. My hips are shifting and my uterus is rising up and starting to fill out...I've not baby bumped yet but my body is changing. I try to remember that my body is changing to accomodate and grow a baby. That my body is essentially my baby's body right now too! At least, it is my baby's home right now...so he/she is going to have an impact. But sometimes, I put something on and I panic because it doesn't feel or look exactly the same as it once did.
Faith is also a struggle. I know that I believe in creator God, Savior Jesus Christ, and ever-present Holy Spirit. However, different doctrinal things have been on my heart. I have really been struggling with that. It's something I need to explore with Scripture and pastoral guidance.
I am also really struggling emotionally. I think part of it what I wrote about earlier. The loss of Samantha, Dominic, and of Noah.........I know that this is simply the way things are and I can't not be grateful that Sprout is in me. I need to find acceptance. I don't have to find understanding. Sometimes our human minds can not comprehend the will of God. He doesn't ask that we understand. We are simply to accept and have faith. I struggle with that. Not so much maybe acceptance but still that sadness that comes with living in a sinful world. I also struggle with knowing that I almost got rid of Samantha. It's so interesting how in one moment I felt so strongly one way and then in so many others, I would give ANYTHING for her to be present.
Emotionally, I have been really depressed. J and Chris want me to possibly go onto a medication but I am nervous because I am pregnant. However, leaving me unmedicated might be bad too. It's a difficult decision to make and one that won't be reached without lots of questioning and prayer. I have also been battling self-destructive thoughts and patterns. My best friends and sister have been available though...and that is a blessing.
I am also blessed to be in a support group with a bunch of other women who get the eating disorder component of life. They do, they get it. It is a blessing to spend time with them and be reassured that I am not alone and misunderstood and also to have guidance in those difficult days. They have offered a tremendous amount of the support recently and I feel blessed because of that.
One other area I am struggling with is the fear of being a new mom. I am afraid of a lot of things! I also am uncertain and feel that I will be awkward in many of the areas of parenting. Now, what I don't want from people is advice...I simply want people to make themselves available so that I have support when I have questions or concerns.
I also worry that our timing to have children was wrong. We've had to do some discussing of jobs, childcare, education, and a variety of things, and trying to juggle and shift things stresses me. I don't deal with change or transition well and so I think I am a little nervous at how big of a change having a baby will be. However, I do believe children are a blessing and that therefore, we are/will be blessed and taken care of. It's just hard. Depression and severe anxiety makes everything worse.
That's what is going on. That's a fairly raw and real expression of how I've been feeling lately and what's been going through my mind.
~Shannon
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