What I Struggle With

Because I struggle with an eating disorder but it's not classic, I often feel the need to explain my struggle. I most closely relate with bulimia but my eating disorder is not specific. For one to suffer from bulimia, you must binge first, then purge. There have been only a few times in my life where I have had a true binge than purge. More often, I just feel guilty no matter what I eat. It could be a container of yogurt. It could be an apple. It could be a cookie. There is actually no differentiation which most people don't get.  For me, the mere idea of eating anything is a trigger. So what do I do? I either don't eat or when I do, I throw up or take laxatives.....When I work out, I overexercise.......Well, for five months, I didn't do that. I maintained my size/weight and ate regular balanced normal meals. But when I struggle this is how....

Anyhow, that's what I struggle with. I feel like I just want people to understand me. A prior therapist (who didn't get me) told me that I was in a box and that she could treat and relate to all people with eating disorders the same. This is not true! I fully believe every person is different and your approach to interacting and supporting someone has to come from what works for them. That's why I want you to know what I struggle with........

~Shannon

dos and don't of helping with bulimia

Here's some interesting things to do and things not to do when helping someone with bulimia.

http://helpguide.org/mental/bulimia_signs_symptoms_causes_treatment.htm is the source.

 

Do:

• Be a cool customer. No matter how worried you are, approaching your loved one with alarm is not the best approach. Stash away the eating disorder articles for now. Find a neutral place to chat and: (1) calmly say what you’ve noticed, and (2) explain why you’re worried.
• Talk and listen. Let compassion be your guide. Make sure they know you intend to listen. Keep in mind they might feel defensive or angry. It’s embarrassing to talk about binging and purging. But if they do come to you for a listening ear, show no judgment, even if they sound unstable.
• Take “solve” out of your vocabulary. As a parent or friend, there isn’t a lot you can do to “fix” your loved one’s bulimia. They must decide on their own when they are ready to move forward.
• Set an example of healthy eating, exercising, and body image. Never make negative comments about your own body or anyone else’s.
• Be good to yourself. Know when to seek advice for yourself from a counselor or health professional. Keep your friends and relatives involved in the support network.

Don’t:

• Be the food police. A person with bulimia needs kindness, not nutritional advice.
• Use insults, fear, guilt, or embarrassment. Since bulimia is often a caused by a form of stress and self-hate, negativity will only make it worse.

Things I Am Thankful For Right Now

I am focusing, right now, on things I am thankful for....

I am thankful for the color purple and for boots. I am thankful that snow is BEAUTIFUL even if it is cold! I am thankful for my coat which keeps me warm. I am thankful for J who helps me to keep my head screwed on semi-straight. I am thankful for our two cats. I am thankful for Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. I am thankful for the people who are supportive of me. I am especially thankful for them. I am thankful that I have life. I am thankful that I have an awesome husband. I am thankful that I have a house. I am thankful for cell phones and the fact that they close the distance gap. I am thankful for Tylenol because I have a headache.

Most of all, I am thankful for Jesus.

When I start to put it into perspective like that, I am thankful......and I feel so blessed!

Want you to get it

I am frustrated. I feel like half the people get the eating disorder and the other half don't.

So what do I want you to get........

How I FEEL.....

I feel terrible about myself. You have to realize I has a distorted perception of myself. How do I KNOW this? Ever looked in a mirror and thought you looked good or fine and then two seconds later thought that you looked HORRID?! I have....I've totally been there.

Or...you feel ugly. You CATCH a glimpse of someone in a window and say that person has fantastic hair! Then you realize it's your hair in that braid that you like...It's so confusing!

WHY I do what I DO....

CONTROL! I feel terribly out of control...and in the words of J....I don't trust my body! I REALLY don't.....

It's not so easy for me to just say I am going to do this and work out like this. When I end up on an exercise machine, sometimes I JUST KEEP GOING AND GOING AND GOING even though I AM DIZZY and sick...because I feel like there is that compulsion. I JUST HAVE to burn 1,000 calories or whatever number I am stuck on....

WHAT DO I KNOW?

that it's not good for me...I DO KNOW THAT. I JUST.....don't know HOW not to do. Sometimes mind over matter isn't sufficient. I need help. I do NOT need criticism....

I am SO frustrated with the ED (eating disorder) myself that it only makes me feel ten times worse when other people are frustrated with me.............

Sigh...........

~Shannon

I fell down and I don't know how to get back up

It's been rough. Yesterday was rough.

I fell down...I threw up after lunch. Purposefully for the first time in 5 and a half months.

I tried to tell myself not to let it get to me........not to let it become a habit. Then I felt I couldn't control the panic in me after eating just a bit for dinner last night. I went to the bathroom and threw up again.

Today I've eaten nothing. I know that eventually I will have to eat. But I don't want to.

I feel so out of control. I can control my food intake. I want to control my body.

I feel that if I was a size 0 and weighed 99 pounds that my miscarriages would not have happened. I have this notion in my head that I am not beautiful enough to deserve good things.

It's bad. Please keep me in your prayers.

I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but right now I can't see it. I am thinking on Friday that my appointment with J will be much needed.

If you are with me at all in the near future, encourage me to eat but don't force me. If you eat a meal with me, that's better than me eating alone and then don't let me near the bathroom.....I have to break this cycle...or else I am going to be out of control again.

~Shannon

right now..........

I am sliding
Sliding
Sliding into
a deep pit

and I know that I
will eventually
eventually
climb out of it

But right now
I can't stop
can't stop
the fall

The darkness
surrounds me
surrounds me
Surrounds all

Can't handle life

I feel like I can't handle life right now. I was really looking forward to wedding dress shopping with H but the bridal shop we were going to rescheduled. Now, this is no one's fault...but I am still extremely frustrated. That makes me frustrated with myself!!!!! Do you know what it is like to be frustrated with yourself and be stuck inside of your own skin? It is horrible....

I feel so rigid suddenly...and so fragile. Like anything might set me off...and I am irritated with myself for feeling this way. I just was like ready to face the day....I had a plan and I was going to be distracted but....now I have no plan...

I feel like I'm fourteen again....so emotionally unstable and confused about the unpredictable world I am living in.

Feelings are just feelings, Shannon. That's what my head says...but MY HEART IS SCREAMING TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS.

That's about it.
~Shannon

Goodbye, Baby

We lost baby.

We had already lost baby.

Apparently my bleeding is just my body's funeral to baby. Sorry if that sounds morbid. It's easier and better for me to spit these thoughts out in words on my blog than it is for me to keep them in my head.

Baby Noah.

Noah 'Bug'......We think this one was a little boy too....It's all we can go on.

We are going to figure this out now.

I just hope that this isn't hopeless and that there aren't any answers for me............

So frustrated.....

but more than anything, sad.

~Shannon

Baby, we love you

Baby,

We love you. We hope you know, though, that more than anything in the world, that Jesus loves you. We pray that if Jesus takes you to live with Him, that you will have no pain in the transition, that you will suddenly be surrounded by glory and filled with peace and joy that passes all understanding.

And baby, if we get to keep you...well, we'll be so happy! We still want you to know more than anything that Jesus loves you. That's most important.

Love you, baby bug,
Shannon

Lord, your will, not mine

Dear Lord,

I just pray that your will would be done...not mine. Please give me peace to accept whatever your will is in this situation with our baby. We truly believe that you are good and that you never do anything to hurt us. We don't understand but we still love you and praise you. Please let the Holy Spirit comfort us and be with us the next few days....We know that you are God alone and we can not possibly understand your ways but that they are always better than ours.

We love you. In Jesus' name....Amen.

Love, Shannon

Baby Bug

Well, here's good news...and maybe bad...all in one post.

I am pregnant.

That's the good news.

And I am bleeding.

That's the bad news.

What started as spotting has now become heavier cramping and more bleeding overnight.

I am scared. I just keep envisioning God holding me while I am holding baby Bug in my womb.

This little lovebug is supposed to be our rainbow baby.

I am going to the hospital to get my blood drawn. If my levels are high, we'll get an ultrasound...if my levels are low, we'll retest Wednesday and see if they double like they are supposed to. From those tests, they'll determine what's going on.

Please keep us in your prayers. We feel so helpless.

All we can do now is love this baby. We have prayed for this baby and I have spent a lot of time telling this baby about Jesus and listening to worship music and just loving this baby the best I can.

~Shannon

God is good

Our God is good.

I slept well last night....and am doing well today. I am feeling more loved and blessed than I have in a long time.....He is bringing healing and peace despite the struggles around us.

~Shannon

I trust you, Lord

Lord, I'm trusting you. Give me your daily bread and sufficient peace for the night. So far you've always provided. I trust you will still always provide.

Good night.

~Shannon

feeling horrible

Why am I so sensitive?

I'm having one of those days where I suddenly feel like the entire world hates me and no one loves me. I realize that's not rational but it's how I am feeling.

I feel that I am just a major frustration to everyone in our families and all of our friends who have to deal with me.

I feel irritated and frustrated with myself.

I am sorry if I have been a burden or frustration to you.

S

A Conversation With God

Hey God....

Today my little sister shared that her and our friend Mak had been having an online conversation and they talked about how they were amazed that my faith is strong.

Well, I just want to tell you, Heavenly Father, that I am not amazed by my faith. It's a gift from you and the Holy Spirit. I know I didn't do anything to deserve it on my own. What I am amazed by is you. How perfectly you love me. How tenderly you care.

God, you truly are an awesome God. Sometimes I can't believe you put with me, and even more than that, that you love me in the rockiest of times. You are so good. You are so loving.

My hope is that people know that this faith that you have given to me is a gift...Out of love, you chose me, and I am eternally grateful. There is so much that I don't understand but one thing I know and trust is that you love me. Oh Lord, it doesn't always make sense, but I love you for it.......because I trust you. I know you know what you are doing.

You are so good. You are so great. Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for giving me life and for sustaining me. Thank you for caring for me and loving me.

I am so indebted to you.

When I think about you, everything else pales in comparison. The struggles seem so small when you are so big. I feel so weak but you are so strong. I am secure with you. You are so great and majestic that all that is wrong suddenly doesn't matter in your presence. How I love you, Lord.

Love,
Shannon

Confession

Here's a confession I haven't shared with everyone yet.

I felt truly ugly on my wedding day and in the pictures I saw afterwards...to this day, it's still a stressful subject for me.

Sometimes I like that picture and sometimes I hate it. My mind feels so confused.

~Shannon

Feeling lifeless and purposeless

I was doing okay. Then about ten minutes ago I felt myself starting to slide into a funk. When I was with family and friends over this whole break, I felt loved and like maybe my life had an impact on someone else's life....but now I am back at work and I feel purposeless. Which leads to me feeling lifeless. Like I have no energy, joy, or vitality.

I feel like maybe I shouldn't have said anything about the 'incident'....I don't think I fully understood the impact it would have and maybe I should have waited until I was better prepared. I wasn't ready for my parents to call and say that they talked to 'him' but it is what it is. I am not writing this because I'm mad at anyone or anything...it's merely circumstantial frustration. Well, I might be angry at him because he did this to me which did this to us. Also, I am frustrated because another family member seems to be pushing me away. I don't know if they think I made this up or what. I did not make this up. I merely finally told because I got the courage to open my mouth and say something. J thinks it was because I was pregnant and had been thinking about keeping our children safe.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND FEELING OUT OF CONTROL RIGHT NOW AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO DO SOMETHING BAD.

But I will sit, breathe, close my eyes, and whisper a prayer, and hope for that peace that surpasses all understanding.

Please just love me right now. That is what I need most of all. I am feeling alone.

~Shannon

Dear God

Dear God,

Could you please bless me with a baby? I would really try to be a good mom. I promise to teach the baby about you. If it's your will, please give us a child. If not, give us peace and patience.

Love, Shannon



I am so hoping that this year is the year we get babies. Mom V. (my mother in law) made a very good point about how God might be getting us ready to be parents....I hope that's true. Sigh..I am NOT good at waiting. Oh well........

~Shannon

I love my mom

Why do I love my mom?
There's a lot of reasons...but one big one is because her and my dad were brave enough to confront the person in my extended family whom the incident occurred with.

That's so tough and I can't imagine how hard it was...but they did it.

I do love my mom.....and I felt she should know it!

~Shannon

highs and lows

When I was a camp counselor we used to have to share our high and lows at the end of each day. Since I am just getting back to work and feeling fairly reflective about the past two weeks, I thought I'd share my top twenty highs and top ten lows. So I guess it's good that I have more highs than lows!

We'll start with highs:

1. Chris getting off early on Christmas Eve and then being called off Christmas Day! He was able to celebrate it after all!

2. Mega epic family bonding time with the in-laws! I especially love Mom, H, and K. You guys were such a blessing.

3. New boots, mascara, and socks! Those were only a few of my awesome gifts.

4. M&Monary INSTEAD of pictionary.....where you eat your mistakes. Thanks T.V.

5. Spending time with our god-daughter. LOVE THAT LITTLE GIRL! Octopus....!

6. Having a little hope that I may be pregnant again...we'll wait a couple days and see.

7. 97 cent shirt at JC PENNEY!

8. Half off LIP SMACKERS Christmas clearance. Addicted to lip balm seriously....

9. Cheese curd. Soooo good.

10. NARNIA! The third movie is so my favorite....

11. Not having to go to work...he he....

12. Becca and John....best friends are great.

13. Meeting Elizabeth---cousin in Chris's family!

14. Reaching 5 month anniversary of not having given into bulimia....

15. Dudley---a very small dog---liking Cassie---a bigger dog---but Cassie being afraid of Dudley! lol!

16. Annabelle liking Cassie

17. Having parent in laws help us with tons of things around the house! So ready now for 2011.

18. 7 layer mexican dip and beef and cream cheese roll ups...wouldn't be New Year's Eve without them.

19. Finally sleeping again

20. Waking up multiple mornings and being so glad I had been kept from giving into the temptation of the eating disorder.....


Now for my ten lows:

1. My parents calling and telling me they'd talked to the family member about the incident and I wasn't thrilled with that person's response.

2. Freaking out over calories in cottage cheese

3. Freaking out over calories in ginger ale

4. GPS adventures coming back from New York

5. Crying through the whole Christmas Eve service

6. Losing my eyeliner (BUT LATER DID FIND IT!!!)

7. Spending 7 dollars for a toothbrush....

8. Being clawed by Izzi because she's afraid of dogs

9. Losing my voice mostly!

10. Heather having to sleep on an air mattress in the bedroom door to keep me from accessing the bathroom


All in all, it was a good time and we plowed through the rough.

~Shannon