I am happy to announce that even though Tuesday through Wednesday afternoon things were an emotional adventure, by last night, I had settled back more into me. I almost swear that I can feel my medication kicking in and stabilizing my emotions. In fact today, I feel better than I have felt any day since the miscarriage. That's crazy but awesome good! God is so good!
Last night, we went to a youth group party. Talk about fun! It was a costume party. Chris borrowed a Darth Vader costume from his dad. He asked if I wanted to borrow Princess Leia...I was like not so much! I would much rather be Padame and also because I am well-endowed, store costumes usually don't fit my chest well! Oh well! I went to the dollar store and had a super fun time picking out fairy wings, fake flowers, and some sort of ivy garland. I wore a white top and white sweater and put on the green wings, stuffed the fake flowers in my hair. I put the garland around my neck and just draped it down. I painted my face/made up my face and eyes with lots of bright colors and topped it all off with glitter. I was a garden fairy!!!! It was super fun for me. I needed something fun like that to focus on to get my mood back on track I think.
At the party, things went fine, and afterward, we actually did okay. Driving gave Chris and I the opportunity to talk and I was able to explain things from perspective and why I've been shutting down these past few days. I was also able to see things from his angle. I was able to share how he could help me because he feels helpless which I think causes extra tension on us. Somewhere deep inside, I do believe that man loves me, but I fight so hard to accept that! I can be so darn difficult sometimes....I get frustrated with myself. I think though that J is the right person to help. Crazy C whom I was seeing before J was really not helping! Probably actually made things worse! So J is a blessing.
If you see me and I have red marker on my arms, don't be appalled. It means that instead of hurting myself, I drew on myself...and while that might seem crazy it's still healthier and better than cutting. Hopefully I will get to a point where I don't ever want to do that again!!!
~Shannon
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Meltdowns
No lies. I am just going to tell it like it is. Last night, I had a total meltdown. Many of you know I struggle with post traumatic stress due to something (or things) difficult (of a sexual nature) that happened to me when I was teenager. Many of you don't know that. Now you do. It was this time of year that it occurred and I have a lot of issues with flashbacks and emotional struggles. Last night was no exception. I had a big inspection at work yesterday and while that went well, it had been a stressful day with not a lot of sleep. What you may not realize is that even when I'm doing quite well, I'm only one step away from not doing well. There is no straw that broke the camel's back situation. Quite simply, one straw and I'm broken. I am emotionally fragile, functioning since the miscarriage, but still dealing with quite a bit of emotional circumstances.
So last night, Chris comes home from work. It's an early day for him. He's home around 4:30 PM. That's fine and dandy except he's had a rough day and is burned out. He is not mean to me but he is not exactly joyful either. After an hour of silence in our house, I start to spaz. I want to hurt myself. I take a walk. It doesn't help. We get into a bit of a disagreement, I head upstairs, and finally, I cut myself. I've wanted to do this for an hour and a half. I can't hold off any longer. I don't cut myself often anymore. It's not like what it was when I was a teenager. The problem is that I tend to alternate between cutting and purging. I need to try to break the eating disorder as well as the self-injury habit. I know that. Anyhow, I make a few lines across my upper forearm. I set down the blade I'm using and then thirty seconds later Chris walks in. He says "I'm home from work" and comes to hug me. I know what's he is trying to do is say that he wanted to make his homecoming a little nicer and be more loving to me. But I look at him and now I'm hysterical. I tell him he's too late and I've already cut myself. Anyhow, this leads into a deep and long argument in which I suddenly regress to thirteen year old Shannon and then five year old Shannon. We finally get through my attitude in which I just melt down into a traumatized and terrified teenager so is covering her out of control feelings with irritability. We deal with the immediate issue at hand and I call J, my therapist, and leave her a voicemail. Then we go to bed.
This morning a whole 'nother slew of issues come up and I have a meltdown again. Chris walks out of our bedroom frustrated. I call J again and this time she answers. We agree that we need to up my medication dosage and both of us agree to get in touch with my doctor. Dr. F. agrees to double the meds and I start taking two this morning instead of one. J says that I will feel better even sooner because I've already been taking this medication so it won't take as long to take effect. I hope she's right. Granted, I am starting to feel a little better already and it's only been hours so we'll just see. There's just so much going on in my head right now. Losing Samantha, the traumatic sexual events......these can be overwhelming coupled with Seasonal Affective Disorder. My lab is in a basement too! No sunlight down here which doesn't help.
Anyhow, for now, I trek on. Please keep me in your prayers.
~Shannon
So last night, Chris comes home from work. It's an early day for him. He's home around 4:30 PM. That's fine and dandy except he's had a rough day and is burned out. He is not mean to me but he is not exactly joyful either. After an hour of silence in our house, I start to spaz. I want to hurt myself. I take a walk. It doesn't help. We get into a bit of a disagreement, I head upstairs, and finally, I cut myself. I've wanted to do this for an hour and a half. I can't hold off any longer. I don't cut myself often anymore. It's not like what it was when I was a teenager. The problem is that I tend to alternate between cutting and purging. I need to try to break the eating disorder as well as the self-injury habit. I know that. Anyhow, I make a few lines across my upper forearm. I set down the blade I'm using and then thirty seconds later Chris walks in. He says "I'm home from work" and comes to hug me. I know what's he is trying to do is say that he wanted to make his homecoming a little nicer and be more loving to me. But I look at him and now I'm hysterical. I tell him he's too late and I've already cut myself. Anyhow, this leads into a deep and long argument in which I suddenly regress to thirteen year old Shannon and then five year old Shannon. We finally get through my attitude in which I just melt down into a traumatized and terrified teenager so is covering her out of control feelings with irritability. We deal with the immediate issue at hand and I call J, my therapist, and leave her a voicemail. Then we go to bed.
This morning a whole 'nother slew of issues come up and I have a meltdown again. Chris walks out of our bedroom frustrated. I call J again and this time she answers. We agree that we need to up my medication dosage and both of us agree to get in touch with my doctor. Dr. F. agrees to double the meds and I start taking two this morning instead of one. J says that I will feel better even sooner because I've already been taking this medication so it won't take as long to take effect. I hope she's right. Granted, I am starting to feel a little better already and it's only been hours so we'll just see. There's just so much going on in my head right now. Losing Samantha, the traumatic sexual events......these can be overwhelming coupled with Seasonal Affective Disorder. My lab is in a basement too! No sunlight down here which doesn't help.
Anyhow, for now, I trek on. Please keep me in your prayers.
~Shannon
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Samantha's Story
Samantha's Story
By Shannon Schroeder
It was a warm summer Saturday
When I took the test
After two minutes passed
It was not what I'd expect
There were two lines showing
Indicating I was with child
My mind turned to panic
And my emotions went wild
I couldn't wait to tell Daddy
So I called and told him the news
He was ecstatic about the pregnancy
Delighted about you
While I was filled with fear
He promised God would provide
So I tried to be tough and brave
And prayed to our Heavenly guide
After a few ups and downs
And a few twists and turns
I was excited to have you
Despite my nausea and heartburn
But then something went wrong
And we found out you were gone
That now you live with Jesus
It left me feeling withdrawn
First my heart broken in two
Then it broke again and again
I thought I'd never feel better
But finally then
God started to heal us and
He granted us some peace
He has given us true comfort
And from our pain we are released
Now all we can do is look ahead
And until then we pray
When Mommy and Daddy, Samantha and Jesus
Will all be together that day
Beauty for Ashes
Isaiah 61: 1-3 He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
Tell me how beautiful those words are and what comfort they bring. Today I was captivated by the phrase 'beauty from ashes.' I knew that it was Biblical but yet was not certain as to where it came from in the Bible. After finding these words, written by the prophet Isaiah, I was so comforted and the Lord blessed me with His peace which surpasses all understanding. How awesome our God is! Let me tell what I've learned.
Let's start with binding up the brokenhearted, proclaiming freedom, and restoring light where there is darkness. Being one who has suffered with brokenheartedness many times in my life, I am blessed to know that God can bind that pain and suffering in the awesome work of Jesus and with His power. He can take away that brokenness and when he does, He grants us true freedom and transforms our darkness into pure light. Since losing sweet Samantha, I have begun to find true healing. There is still sadness but there is also joy and peace underneath it all. I believe that is more than okay. God allows us to be human and to feel emotions. Since we were meant to live in a perfect world, I believe grieving and sadness remind us of what we should have had and because of sin, do not yet have. After my miscarriage, there was truly darkness surrounding me. I couldn't hear the voice of Jesus but yet I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in the silence and I knew God had not abandoned me. He was just there, His silent presence comforting me more than words probably could have because sometimes we don't get answers (or we don't get them until later) no matter how much we ask for them. Seven weeks later, I now know that I was in a dark fog after the miscarriage and I believe that fog is finally gone. The fact that I now realize how dark I felt after the miscarriage shows that I am outside of that darkness. For while I was inside, I had no idea what I was trapped in. It distorted my perceptions and my views. But now, I can see clearly again.
Comforting those who mourn, providing for those who grieve...that is the next section of Isaiah that blesses my heart. I have been so blessed with my Father's provision these past few months and it reminds me that actually I have been provided for my whole life. God has never given me more than I can bear and He has been there every step of the way. In that provision, He has also blessed with me with numerous comforters and many of wise counsel. I am so blessed to have family, friends, family in Christ, and a wonderful system of pastors, my counselor, and wonderful doctors to carry me through this miscarriage. God has blessed me. So many people have shared their personal stories with me and it has truly blessed me.
Beauty for ashes. That's truly the phrase that captivated me the most. God will not only take Samantha and simply make me feel better someday. No, He will use her life and my experience to bring a beautiful testimony to His glory and to His name. I am content to sit back and wait for the beauty to emerge from the ashes. When I think of an image that illustrates this concept, I am drawn back to one of my favorite movies, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe from the Chronicles of Narnia. When young Lucy ends up in Narnia for the first time, she is drawn in by a fawn named Mr. Tumnus. She goes to his home. He plays a musical instrument while she is drinking tea and the music seems to bring little joyful dancing creatures to life in the fireplace. For me, I believe that is how life will be. There is a fire and there are ashes and right now it's painfully hot and the ashes are not pretty but when I least expect it, the ashes will be sculpted into something so beautiful and there will joyful dancing coming from the flames of my life. I hope (from an expectational standpoint) for this to come and trust that it will.
The last thing that drastically impacts me is the part where it says they will be oaks of righteousness. An oak tree is one of the strongest, most solid, trees there is in a forest. That shows me that God will strengthen me. That I will be refined in fire like silver is to remove my impurities. He will clothe me with His righteousness and make me strong. My strength will be unwavering because it comes from the Lord. How wonderful is that?
I am content to trust you, Lord. I wait upon your perfect timing and in your perfect will.
~Shannon
Tell me how beautiful those words are and what comfort they bring. Today I was captivated by the phrase 'beauty from ashes.' I knew that it was Biblical but yet was not certain as to where it came from in the Bible. After finding these words, written by the prophet Isaiah, I was so comforted and the Lord blessed me with His peace which surpasses all understanding. How awesome our God is! Let me tell what I've learned.
Let's start with binding up the brokenhearted, proclaiming freedom, and restoring light where there is darkness. Being one who has suffered with brokenheartedness many times in my life, I am blessed to know that God can bind that pain and suffering in the awesome work of Jesus and with His power. He can take away that brokenness and when he does, He grants us true freedom and transforms our darkness into pure light. Since losing sweet Samantha, I have begun to find true healing. There is still sadness but there is also joy and peace underneath it all. I believe that is more than okay. God allows us to be human and to feel emotions. Since we were meant to live in a perfect world, I believe grieving and sadness remind us of what we should have had and because of sin, do not yet have. After my miscarriage, there was truly darkness surrounding me. I couldn't hear the voice of Jesus but yet I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in the silence and I knew God had not abandoned me. He was just there, His silent presence comforting me more than words probably could have because sometimes we don't get answers (or we don't get them until later) no matter how much we ask for them. Seven weeks later, I now know that I was in a dark fog after the miscarriage and I believe that fog is finally gone. The fact that I now realize how dark I felt after the miscarriage shows that I am outside of that darkness. For while I was inside, I had no idea what I was trapped in. It distorted my perceptions and my views. But now, I can see clearly again.
Comforting those who mourn, providing for those who grieve...that is the next section of Isaiah that blesses my heart. I have been so blessed with my Father's provision these past few months and it reminds me that actually I have been provided for my whole life. God has never given me more than I can bear and He has been there every step of the way. In that provision, He has also blessed with me with numerous comforters and many of wise counsel. I am so blessed to have family, friends, family in Christ, and a wonderful system of pastors, my counselor, and wonderful doctors to carry me through this miscarriage. God has blessed me. So many people have shared their personal stories with me and it has truly blessed me.
Beauty for ashes. That's truly the phrase that captivated me the most. God will not only take Samantha and simply make me feel better someday. No, He will use her life and my experience to bring a beautiful testimony to His glory and to His name. I am content to sit back and wait for the beauty to emerge from the ashes. When I think of an image that illustrates this concept, I am drawn back to one of my favorite movies, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe from the Chronicles of Narnia. When young Lucy ends up in Narnia for the first time, she is drawn in by a fawn named Mr. Tumnus. She goes to his home. He plays a musical instrument while she is drinking tea and the music seems to bring little joyful dancing creatures to life in the fireplace. For me, I believe that is how life will be. There is a fire and there are ashes and right now it's painfully hot and the ashes are not pretty but when I least expect it, the ashes will be sculpted into something so beautiful and there will joyful dancing coming from the flames of my life. I hope (from an expectational standpoint) for this to come and trust that it will.
The last thing that drastically impacts me is the part where it says they will be oaks of righteousness. An oak tree is one of the strongest, most solid, trees there is in a forest. That shows me that God will strengthen me. That I will be refined in fire like silver is to remove my impurities. He will clothe me with His righteousness and make me strong. My strength will be unwavering because it comes from the Lord. How wonderful is that?
I am content to trust you, Lord. I wait upon your perfect timing and in your perfect will.
~Shannon
Monday, November 8, 2010
Healing
It's been almost 7 weeks (it will be 7 weeks tomorrow) since we found out about Samantha Peep's going to be with Jesus. While it was one of the most difficult times of our life, I am finding that we are indeed getting through this, time is helping, and healing is being found. However, anyone who assumes we're back to "normal" would be wrong. Normalcy is a long ways off right now but we will continue to let God heal and work on us in His perfect timing. We are convicted now, knowing that God has never and never will give us more than we can handle. We are so blessed.
It doesn't mean there won't be 'bad' days but it just means we know we are filled with more and more peace as we go on.
Thank you, Lord, for your mercies.
~Shannon
It doesn't mean there won't be 'bad' days but it just means we know we are filled with more and more peace as we go on.
Thank you, Lord, for your mercies.
~Shannon
Sunday, November 7, 2010
What I'll Miss
I've heard it said that when a parent loses a child they grieve not only what that child was but also all the possibilities. I grieve the future we would have had. In my mind, I was going to pass away first so Samantha was forever going to be in our life. Sadly, life doesn't always work out how we expect. Here's my list of what I'll miss:
1) Her birth---I was so looking forward to delivering her and holding her and looking her in the eyes and us telling her we loved her so much and we were her mommy and daddy and promising to always take care of her.
2) Her first smile
3) Her first tooth
4) Her first laugh
5) First steps
6) First words
7) Her baptism
8) Kisses and hugs
9) I love you, Mommy
10) Christmas gifts she made herself
This is too hard....I'll write more later.
~Shannon
1) Her birth---I was so looking forward to delivering her and holding her and looking her in the eyes and us telling her we loved her so much and we were her mommy and daddy and promising to always take care of her.
2) Her first smile
3) Her first tooth
4) Her first laugh
5) First steps
6) First words
7) Her baptism
8) Kisses and hugs
9) I love you, Mommy
10) Christmas gifts she made herself
This is too hard....I'll write more later.
~Shannon
Friday, November 5, 2010
Don't think for a minute
Don't think for a minute that even if I seem happy or focused on something that Samantha isn't in the back of my mind. She's always on my mind, simply a split second away from focusing on her. Don't pretend she didn't exist. She was real. I saw my baby's heartbeat. My body changed. I saw her squirm on the ultrasound. I saw how she had grown the day we found out she was gone. Samantha's so real...she just waits ahead. I remember her and I think about her always. She's the last thought before I go to bed and the first one on my mind when I wake up. And every morning, it hurts again. It's been six and a half weeks and I wonder when I'll start to feel better. If I ever won't hurt thinking about it. I just don't know.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Happy then sad then happy again
Sometimes I am so happy. I feel at least semi-normal and then I feel tears starting up. They say time makes everything easier but for me, it's also harder. Every day and the future ahead makes me realize how much of life Samantha is missing. I miss her so badly. I feel like it will be even harder after April 3, 2010. I better be pregnant by then (I feel like a small child begging God) or I am going to be so depressed. But even with other children, I will always see the gap where Samantha should have been. My sweet Peep....my little girl. I miss her. I wish I could feel her moving and growing inside of me.
It wasn't meant to be like this. We weren't supposed to live in a fallen world. We made one very bad sinful decision and corruption and death set in. Sadly this is the world we are stuck in until Jesus calls us home or returns to take us with Him.
Pressing on,
Shannon
It wasn't meant to be like this. We weren't supposed to live in a fallen world. We made one very bad sinful decision and corruption and death set in. Sadly this is the world we are stuck in until Jesus calls us home or returns to take us with Him.
Pressing on,
Shannon
I'm waiting but....I will praise you
Heavenly Father,
I'm waiting on you and your will for our lives. It's hard sometimes. But I am trusting. I wait on you, Lord. I wait and know that your will is always done. And that you are perfect. All I have is yours. All I am is yours. I am so blessed to be your child. I'm so glad you gave me life. I'm so glad you gave us Samantha and that you gave her life. We love her but we love you even more and we know that you love her even more. That's the way it should be. We know that you love us. We trust that nothing that happens to us hasn't gone through you first. We believe your promise to work all things out for our good. In my heart, I pray that you get all the glory through our lives in whatever it may be. Whether it is the healing that you offer or the good things that come from us through you, you deserve all the glory and praise because you are an awesome and amazing God. We love knowing that you take care of us and seeing what you have in store for our lives. We trust you. If you are willing, tell Samantha that her mommy and her daddy love her very much and can't wait until we are together again in heaven. It will be glorious. Thank you, Lord.
Amen....and Love, Shannon
I'm waiting on you and your will for our lives. It's hard sometimes. But I am trusting. I wait on you, Lord. I wait and know that your will is always done. And that you are perfect. All I have is yours. All I am is yours. I am so blessed to be your child. I'm so glad you gave me life. I'm so glad you gave us Samantha and that you gave her life. We love her but we love you even more and we know that you love her even more. That's the way it should be. We know that you love us. We trust that nothing that happens to us hasn't gone through you first. We believe your promise to work all things out for our good. In my heart, I pray that you get all the glory through our lives in whatever it may be. Whether it is the healing that you offer or the good things that come from us through you, you deserve all the glory and praise because you are an awesome and amazing God. We love knowing that you take care of us and seeing what you have in store for our lives. We trust you. If you are willing, tell Samantha that her mommy and her daddy love her very much and can't wait until we are together again in heaven. It will be glorious. Thank you, Lord.
Amen....and Love, Shannon
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
would have been 19 weeks along
If I was still pregnant with little Samantha....I'd be almost 19 weeks along. Almost halfway to meeting her. And if something had gone wrong then, close to the 20 week mark, might have been able to save her.
Those are the thoughts that run through my head. I have to remember that God's will is done.
I really didn't know how much I could love her. I really didn't. I am a loving person. I love my husband intensely and my closest family and dearest friends intensely but this is different. Other than Chris, I've never felt my heart pulled this hard. Guess that is how God made us.
I miss you, Samantha. Dance on a cloud and hug Jesus tight today. I'll be there soon enough....from my end, it feels like forever, but someday it'll seem only like the blink of an eye.
It's been six weeks....will I ever not dwell on this? I'm functioning and getting more back to normal but I don't feel happy.
Shannon
Those are the thoughts that run through my head. I have to remember that God's will is done.
I really didn't know how much I could love her. I really didn't. I am a loving person. I love my husband intensely and my closest family and dearest friends intensely but this is different. Other than Chris, I've never felt my heart pulled this hard. Guess that is how God made us.
I miss you, Samantha. Dance on a cloud and hug Jesus tight today. I'll be there soon enough....from my end, it feels like forever, but someday it'll seem only like the blink of an eye.
It's been six weeks....will I ever not dwell on this? I'm functioning and getting more back to normal but I don't feel happy.
Shannon
Where I'm Supposed To Be and Where Am I?
Sometimes it's hard for me to accept that this where I'm supposed to be. What do I mean by that you might ask? I mean that I am in the hands of God and at the threshold of His will. I have, especially of late, prayed that His will be done. Sometimes I question what His will is. But I know that He is good, He is right, and His way is best.
So where am I supposed to be? I am supposed to be right here where I have no control over my life, where I realize that every breath I take is by the grace of God, and that every day I wake is only by His will. I'm desperately out of control (I refer to self-control) and yet totally and completely secure.
I saw a beautiful picture of a little baby (who was born prematurely and had passed away) who was so small that he fit in the palm of his father's hand. The beauty of the picture was that I envisioned myself held in the much larger hand of my Heavenly Father. That image for me was profoundly impacting. When we are being held by our father, we are safe. We don't need to understand what's going on but simply trust.
Trust. That's where I am supposed to be. Walking by faith. It's all I can do. When people tell me I'm strong, I'm surprised because I don't feel that strong. I feel that God is carrying me and all I can do is ride along, walk that walk by faith. I'm learning daily, more and more, to trust Him. I am finding myself growing through this process and finding myself able to trust Him more and more.
This is a reflection on where I am and I'm refreshed to know that sometimes how I feel is exactly where I need to be.
Lord, convict my heart when I'm not where I need to be, and let your will be done. Give me your peace when I am anxious. Help me to trust you more and more. Lord, let my life not be mine but let it be yours.
~Shannon
So where am I supposed to be? I am supposed to be right here where I have no control over my life, where I realize that every breath I take is by the grace of God, and that every day I wake is only by His will. I'm desperately out of control (I refer to self-control) and yet totally and completely secure.
I saw a beautiful picture of a little baby (who was born prematurely and had passed away) who was so small that he fit in the palm of his father's hand. The beauty of the picture was that I envisioned myself held in the much larger hand of my Heavenly Father. That image for me was profoundly impacting. When we are being held by our father, we are safe. We don't need to understand what's going on but simply trust.
Trust. That's where I am supposed to be. Walking by faith. It's all I can do. When people tell me I'm strong, I'm surprised because I don't feel that strong. I feel that God is carrying me and all I can do is ride along, walk that walk by faith. I'm learning daily, more and more, to trust Him. I am finding myself growing through this process and finding myself able to trust Him more and more.
This is a reflection on where I am and I'm refreshed to know that sometimes how I feel is exactly where I need to be.
Lord, convict my heart when I'm not where I need to be, and let your will be done. Give me your peace when I am anxious. Help me to trust you more and more. Lord, let my life not be mine but let it be yours.
~Shannon
Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good
In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
A Testament To Our Love
Written for the most wonderful man in the entire world....my husband, Chris.
When we met just over five years ago, I had no idea what would come our way. I didn't know I would marry you someday or that the simple meeting of us as young camp counselors would lead us to falling madly and deeply in love. I knew one thing though. I knew we'd be friends...which was remarkable because you were the only man I'd ever truly felt comfortable around. And I believe that our friendship is truly the testament to our love.
Christopher, you are not only husband and my love, but my very best friend. You are the only one I want when something breaks my heart and you are the first one that I tell when something joyous enters in. You love me unconditionally despite the fact that I can be difficult or very emotional. For that, I am so grateful and blessed to be your wife and to call you my best friend.
Shortly after we met, I knew we were going to share something more than simply friendship. Sure enough shortly after we shared our first kiss, you gave me a promise ring and told me of your intent to marry me. I was awed and floored and while I was excited, was unsure of whether or not you'd be reliable. But you were...even after I'd broken up with you. You came back to me even when I had turned my back on us.
You kept your word. You bought me another beautiful ring a year and a half later and then a few months later purchased an engagement ring and you asked my father for permission to marry me. One summer day, you asked me what I'd wish for, if I had just one wish. I told you I wanted to marry you and grow old with you. As I strolled on, you touched my shoulder and turned me around to find you dropping to one knee and asking me to be in "your wedding" which was so darling. I cried and cried. You placed that special ring on my left hand. Then we rejoiced and made plans with our families and friends.
July 11, 2008, we became man and wife. We celebrated the gift of love that God has blessed us with. We united as a cord of three, intending to let God be the third person in our marriage, because we knew we couldn't do it on our own. And we finally consummated our marriage, having been waiting for a long time to do it according to His will for us. When it hurt me, you patiently loved me and comforted me until we as two were able to become truly one. We continued on in our marriage and we grew, you learned to pray for me, comfort me, and I learned how to show you that I loved you.
Even through some medical scares and struggles, you were strong. When you had to have surgery and I was so scared, you told me that this would make us stronger. You were so right. When my eating disorder flared up, and I went into some of the most difficult days and darkest times of my life, you told me I was beautiful and that you loved me just because I was me. You did the hardest things at times, when you feared for my life and health, and you put your foot down with me. You learned how to be the head of our household and I learned to submit as God had called me to do.
We celebrated our two year anniversary quickly this past summer and God blessed us in ways that we could not have imagined. He gave us a sweet child that we named Samantha. When I was terrified, you calmed my fears and warmed my heart by telling me that God would provide for us and our baby. And when my heart broke in ways that it never had before and hurt more than I knew was possible, you held me and loved me and comforted me. You were a strong and much needed spiritual head of our house in the days and weeks following. And still today, six weeks after losing our little baby, you have stood by my side and calmed me. You have comforted me. You have loved me.
Christopher, I'm sorry to say that I haven't been the kind of wife that I believe you deserve but that I am so blessed to be your wife. You know this but I'll say it again, if today were our wedding day, I'd marry you all over again. I love you. Thank you for loving me. We will get through this and someday we will enter into another season of joy. I am so blessed by you and I thank God for you...my best friend, my lover, my husband.
~Shannon
When we met just over five years ago, I had no idea what would come our way. I didn't know I would marry you someday or that the simple meeting of us as young camp counselors would lead us to falling madly and deeply in love. I knew one thing though. I knew we'd be friends...which was remarkable because you were the only man I'd ever truly felt comfortable around. And I believe that our friendship is truly the testament to our love.
Christopher, you are not only husband and my love, but my very best friend. You are the only one I want when something breaks my heart and you are the first one that I tell when something joyous enters in. You love me unconditionally despite the fact that I can be difficult or very emotional. For that, I am so grateful and blessed to be your wife and to call you my best friend.
Shortly after we met, I knew we were going to share something more than simply friendship. Sure enough shortly after we shared our first kiss, you gave me a promise ring and told me of your intent to marry me. I was awed and floored and while I was excited, was unsure of whether or not you'd be reliable. But you were...even after I'd broken up with you. You came back to me even when I had turned my back on us.
You kept your word. You bought me another beautiful ring a year and a half later and then a few months later purchased an engagement ring and you asked my father for permission to marry me. One summer day, you asked me what I'd wish for, if I had just one wish. I told you I wanted to marry you and grow old with you. As I strolled on, you touched my shoulder and turned me around to find you dropping to one knee and asking me to be in "your wedding" which was so darling. I cried and cried. You placed that special ring on my left hand. Then we rejoiced and made plans with our families and friends.
July 11, 2008, we became man and wife. We celebrated the gift of love that God has blessed us with. We united as a cord of three, intending to let God be the third person in our marriage, because we knew we couldn't do it on our own. And we finally consummated our marriage, having been waiting for a long time to do it according to His will for us. When it hurt me, you patiently loved me and comforted me until we as two were able to become truly one. We continued on in our marriage and we grew, you learned to pray for me, comfort me, and I learned how to show you that I loved you.
Even through some medical scares and struggles, you were strong. When you had to have surgery and I was so scared, you told me that this would make us stronger. You were so right. When my eating disorder flared up, and I went into some of the most difficult days and darkest times of my life, you told me I was beautiful and that you loved me just because I was me. You did the hardest things at times, when you feared for my life and health, and you put your foot down with me. You learned how to be the head of our household and I learned to submit as God had called me to do.
We celebrated our two year anniversary quickly this past summer and God blessed us in ways that we could not have imagined. He gave us a sweet child that we named Samantha. When I was terrified, you calmed my fears and warmed my heart by telling me that God would provide for us and our baby. And when my heart broke in ways that it never had before and hurt more than I knew was possible, you held me and loved me and comforted me. You were a strong and much needed spiritual head of our house in the days and weeks following. And still today, six weeks after losing our little baby, you have stood by my side and calmed me. You have comforted me. You have loved me.
Christopher, I'm sorry to say that I haven't been the kind of wife that I believe you deserve but that I am so blessed to be your wife. You know this but I'll say it again, if today were our wedding day, I'd marry you all over again. I love you. Thank you for loving me. We will get through this and someday we will enter into another season of joy. I am so blessed by you and I thank God for you...my best friend, my lover, my husband.
~Shannon
Selah's I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
VENT
Last night was good. We are very conservative so Chris and I were satisfied with the outcome of the local and national elections. We wish we could have taken majority in the Senate too but we are happy with the accomplishments.
However, having said that....it was not a good morning. We've racked up hundreds of dollars for Chris's car this week (had to get an inspection)...which was fine! We were planning on repairing some things but we weren't expecting to have any other issues. Well, of course my D&C/pregnancy costs bill came recently...and also, here's the real treat. The gas company found a leak in our yard so they turned off the gas and now we need to call a plumber to repair it. Grr.....I am so frustrated. We are going to be freezing for a little bit and also more money to spend. I'm waiting for Chris to tell me whether or not our home warranty will cover the putting in of a new line. I'm hoping it will...otherwise, we'll be responsible for the entire cost.
Anyhow, the purpose of this post is just to vent. It probably sounds stupid but I have a hard enough time with just finally trying to process through Samantha's loss and readjusting to life and the holidays coming up and now this is a major stressor too. It makes me upset all over again because I'm stressed.
I'm trying to trust God...it's hard.
Shannon
However, having said that....it was not a good morning. We've racked up hundreds of dollars for Chris's car this week (had to get an inspection)...which was fine! We were planning on repairing some things but we weren't expecting to have any other issues. Well, of course my D&C/pregnancy costs bill came recently...and also, here's the real treat. The gas company found a leak in our yard so they turned off the gas and now we need to call a plumber to repair it. Grr.....I am so frustrated. We are going to be freezing for a little bit and also more money to spend. I'm waiting for Chris to tell me whether or not our home warranty will cover the putting in of a new line. I'm hoping it will...otherwise, we'll be responsible for the entire cost.
Anyhow, the purpose of this post is just to vent. It probably sounds stupid but I have a hard enough time with just finally trying to process through Samantha's loss and readjusting to life and the holidays coming up and now this is a major stressor too. It makes me upset all over again because I'm stressed.
I'm trying to trust God...it's hard.
Shannon
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Feeling alone
I feel very alone in this miscarriage, not being pregnant thing....A few of my friends are or might be pregnant or are trying....and I feel like an outcast. Because of the miscarriage. I never felt like an outcast before the miscarriage. I just hadn't been pregnant. I was certainly never planning on miscarrying. I don't know if all those feelings make sense but they are what they are.
I can't believe how much I can miss my little baby. It is just so hard for me to know that I should be almost 19 weeks along.....
Just when I take a step forward, I take one back...and I get sad all over again. I know that part of it is my hormones, part of it is the season (I get S.A.D) and that part of it is the holidays upcoming, and of course, the big part of it as my therapist J would say is that I lost my child. It's not easy to deal with that.
Shannon
I can't believe how much I can miss my little baby. It is just so hard for me to know that I should be almost 19 weeks along.....
Just when I take a step forward, I take one back...and I get sad all over again. I know that part of it is my hormones, part of it is the season (I get S.A.D) and that part of it is the holidays upcoming, and of course, the big part of it as my therapist J would say is that I lost my child. It's not easy to deal with that.
Shannon
Life Update
So...here's the status on my life. :)
I had a fantastic weekend with my dear friend EEJ. She is such a blessing to me. We shopped on Saturday morning and went exploring on boulders and rocks and hiking-ish around some waterfalls a couple hours south of us. Then we rode our local streetcar. Sunday, we went to church and then we carved pumpkins before EE had to leave. I miss her already.
She really blessed me in one aspect particularly. She cross-stitched a sunflower with Samantha's name above it. She left it up to us whether to frame it or use it as a bookmark. I will most definitely be framing it and will always remember our daughter when we look at it. Thank you, EE, for loving Samantha. You have truly blessed me. When I said I missed Samantha this weekend (which I was totally comfortable to say around my dear friend) she simply said that she missed her niece too. I am so blessed to have two biological sisters whom I adore, two sister in laws that I am so glad to count as family now, and five friends from college who are as close as any sister and I credit that to us being Christian sisters through the blood of Christ.
Yesterday, I had a meltdown. I'm struggling with not being angry. But sometimes it's hard. I had a period so I know that I am not currently pregnant and I think that really upset me. The holidays are coming up and we all know (we meaning those who understand this) how difficult they can be when there are emotional and family struggles. My heart just hurts.....I want Samantha back so badly.
That's about all for right now...more to come later.
~Shannon
I had a fantastic weekend with my dear friend EEJ. She is such a blessing to me. We shopped on Saturday morning and went exploring on boulders and rocks and hiking-ish around some waterfalls a couple hours south of us. Then we rode our local streetcar. Sunday, we went to church and then we carved pumpkins before EE had to leave. I miss her already.
She really blessed me in one aspect particularly. She cross-stitched a sunflower with Samantha's name above it. She left it up to us whether to frame it or use it as a bookmark. I will most definitely be framing it and will always remember our daughter when we look at it. Thank you, EE, for loving Samantha. You have truly blessed me. When I said I missed Samantha this weekend (which I was totally comfortable to say around my dear friend) she simply said that she missed her niece too. I am so blessed to have two biological sisters whom I adore, two sister in laws that I am so glad to count as family now, and five friends from college who are as close as any sister and I credit that to us being Christian sisters through the blood of Christ.
Yesterday, I had a meltdown. I'm struggling with not being angry. But sometimes it's hard. I had a period so I know that I am not currently pregnant and I think that really upset me. The holidays are coming up and we all know (we meaning those who understand this) how difficult they can be when there are emotional and family struggles. My heart just hurts.....I want Samantha back so badly.
That's about all for right now...more to come later.
~Shannon
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Life takes so much energy sometimes
I'm drained. I have one more day to go at work. But by the end of tomorrow, I will have put in 10 extra hours this week. That never happens! I very rarely have to spend all my 37.5 hours here. I'm on call always but...still.
I feel like life takes so much energy sometimes. One of my best friends, E, is supposed to visit us this weekend. We're very excited to see her. But we were planning on visiting Gettysburg and I'm not sure I have the energy to do that. After this week, it's just hectic...I'll have to see if E minds if we do something else after all. I feel obnoxious though when I feel like "I can't handle things" or am easily overwhelmed. I'm not trying to be annoying, really. I am just having a hard time.
Shannon
I feel like life takes so much energy sometimes. One of my best friends, E, is supposed to visit us this weekend. We're very excited to see her. But we were planning on visiting Gettysburg and I'm not sure I have the energy to do that. After this week, it's just hectic...I'll have to see if E minds if we do something else after all. I feel obnoxious though when I feel like "I can't handle things" or am easily overwhelmed. I'm not trying to be annoying, really. I am just having a hard time.
Shannon
Steven Curtis Chapman's With Hope
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...
So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...
So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
When I Get Where I'm Going (Brad Paisley)
Brad Paisley
When I Get Where I'm Going
When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.
I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain
(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.
I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.
(Chorus)
So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.
But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.
When I Get Where I'm Going
When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.
I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain
(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.
I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.
(Chorus)
So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.
But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.
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