I know many of you are following but that many more of you are reading. I just wanted to say thank you for listening. It means a lot to me. You are all a blessing. I enjoyed and appreciated all your comments this morning. Sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to all of them.
Thank you for your support.
~Shannon
Monday, October 11, 2010
Journey of our pregnancy (highly personal) Up until the bleeding started
Our pregnancy was an adventure....I am finally coming clean with people, telling them the whole story, and I think it's really helped us. It also helps others to realize why we might have had such a few stressful months and what led up to the miscarriage that really was only the climax of our life story and now the downhill climb from that.
On July 10th, I was a matron of honor in my best friend's wedding. It was a fantastic time. Leading up to the wedding though, I had been really actively struggling with my eating disorder. It had been a major issue. However, by the time the wedding rolled around and I had spent a couple of days prior with many of my best friends, I was doing great. I was remembering that Chris and I were madly in love, about to celebrate our two year anniversary (July 11th) and that I was with my best friends who love me, no matter what I look like or do...just because I'm me. These are girls who were as close to me as my sisters in college and still remain that way today. So I was thrilled and blessed to be able to be with them. I actually enjoyed the wedding day, felt comfortable in my matron of honor dress, and was able to dance, laugh, and celebrate the night away until Chris and I had to head back home. Halfway home, we stopped at a hotel that we had made reservations at. It was past midnight, now our anniversary, and we know now that we conceived little Samantha Peep that night. We had tossed caution to the wind and said "Lord, if you want us to have a baby, here's your chance." Funny how that worked out.
The next week was crazy. We worked a few days then loaded up our things and headed to New Orleans with our youth group and two other leaders, our DCE, and 12 youth for the LCMS National Youth Gathering themed We Believe. We had a fantastic time, grew in our faith, and bonded with our group. I truly believe that God blessed the timing of this pregnancy by allowing us that experience to grow spiritually before finding out our lives were going to change. It was great. My eating disorder did great and stayed away while on the trip. I wanted to simply enjoy the moment and I loved being with our youth, whom I know for a fact love me for me. This was a major blessing. However, while I was down there, I kept feeling sick. I know now it was morning sickness...not late night pizza and overstimulating music! E.N. kept saying "Maybe you're pregnant!" I was like "No....well....maybe?!"
We came back from New Orleans and when no period arrived and I could not recall the exact date of my last period, I decided to take a pregnancy test on Saturday, July 24th. I had previously been taking pregnancy tests each month since my periods had been not irregular but coming a wee bit late each month. They had all come up negative and I imagined this one would too. So imagine my surprise when it came up with two lines, not one, and conclusively screamed POSITIVE.
At this point, I wish I could say that I bought baby carrots, baby whatevers, and whatevers and made my husband a nice dinner to surprise him when he came home. No, instead I called him crying. Well, actually I managed to hold my tears for a bit. I figured if I couldn't wait because I was too upset, I could at least tell him without crying. He answered his cell phone....so I said "Hey....." He said "Hey, what's up?" I was like "Oh well, I just wanted to give you a call and let you know that we're having a baby." I tried, semi-successfully, to sound excited and not cry. He was like, "For real? Are you serious?" I was like, "For real, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive." He was like "We're having a baby....how do YOU feel about that?" He sounded excited and then I burst into tears....."I'm FREAKING OUT!! I don't know how we're going to do this. We shouldn't have done this. You said I wouldn't get pregnant! Ahhhh!" And cried....then calmed, then cried, then calmed. Throughout the day waiting for him to come home, I was filled with ups and downs. I called one of my best friends and told her what was going on. We talked and she was very encouraging through my tears. Finally Chris came home and he reassured me that everything would be fine and dandy and we would make the finacial situation work, etc. This started to calm me and over the next five days I would calm down, fall in love with Peep, and even get excited about being pregnant.
Monday, July 26th rolled around. I called the doctor's office (because I hadn't been able to call over the weekend) and they asked when my last period was. Because I couldn't tell them (DUMB me!) I had to go in for a pregnancy confirmation visit on Friday, July 30th. Chris and I called to share what was going with the eating disorder because currently I had been in counseling and we knew that getting on a scale would be a problem for me. They agreed to weigh me backwards and not say the number.
All week was good. I was nervous but excited. I was pregnant! When we went to the appointment, Chris agreed that he would stay near me during the weigh in to remind them. Unfortunately, prior to the weigh in, I had to give a urine sample. When I came out of the bathroom, Chris was gone. The nurse told me she'd sent him back to my exam room. She escorted me into the scale area and not only did she weigh someone else in front of me, she weighed me and said my number out loud! I was pretty hysterical by the time I got to the exam room. Chris took one look at me and he was angry. He knew what had happened. He slammed his sunglasses to the floor. He's like "I shouldn't have left you!" By the time our doctor came in, I was sobbing hysterically and claiming to Chris "I'm not having this baby. I can't get on or NEAR the scale again." The doctor apologized. I, through tears, said "We called about this....so this wouldn't happen!" The doctors said "I know you did. It's right here in your chart. I can see that. I knew you had called. Apparently they missed it. I am so, so sorry, Shannon." He did a brief examination and then told me to come back in four weeks. He was very gentle, kind, and highly apologetic which made things a little better but not much. He concluded that I was five weeks pregnant and due at the beginning of April.
After the appointment, I marched out of the office. Chris attempted to follow me. I was screaming "I am not having this baby!" After I finally got him to leave me alone, it was a terrible afternoon. I went to work, looked up the nearest Planned Parenthood (even though I am COMPLETELY pro-life, that's how hysterical I was) and took a bus downtown. I got there only to be told that I had to call another location/number to set up an abortion. I'm so thankful I couldn't do it immediately because I would have made a very rash, very bad decision. I actually set up the appointment for the following week. Then I finally let Chris (who had been wandering all over Pittsburgh) pick me up. He had been talking with our pastor and two of our very good friends (whom we were supposed to see that weekend at their in-laws) and they had been calling me. Chris came and got me but I was highly insistent that I didn't want to see our friends. After sobbing and talking for a long time, I said "But I don't want to have an abortion! I just CAN'T get on the scale...." It was bad. Chris agreed to call the OBGYN office and ask them if I could stay away from the scale. You see, it was so bad because I had told myself the worst wouldn't happen and then it did. Now, I couldn't even go NEAR the scale. Anyhow, the office manager reassured Chris that likely that would not be a problem since the doctor himself had said "I don't think she can be anywhere a scale." He was right. We ended up cancelling the abortion, going and seeing our friends, and in the next few days we were reassured and became excited about the pregnancy once again, especially knowing I wouldn't have to get on the scale. Anyhow, though, I secretly wished I would miscarry right after I cancelled the abortion, a secret wish that I would end up regretting a couple of days later and pray that the Lord would forgive me and forget my wish. I know that what happened is not because I wished for it but it still makes it a little harder.
Over the next two weeks, we grew thrilled about the pregnancy. God granted me joy and peace! I wrote our little Peep letters. I slowly slid into the motherhood role and was content and overjoyed about how wonderful life would be. I prayed for our baby. I bought things and I told my mom and my best friends. I needed these women I talked with so regularly to be on board. They were overjoyed and their joy multiplied ours. I even prayed that one of my best friends would become pregnant. One did! I was overjoyed when she called, looking forward to sharing the joy of pregnancy and our future parenting.
That was fine until two weeks after my prenatal visit. Friday, August 15th, I started bleeding.
That's all I have time to write today. I'll write the rest of our journey tomorrow. Blessings and love to all of you.
~Shannon
On July 10th, I was a matron of honor in my best friend's wedding. It was a fantastic time. Leading up to the wedding though, I had been really actively struggling with my eating disorder. It had been a major issue. However, by the time the wedding rolled around and I had spent a couple of days prior with many of my best friends, I was doing great. I was remembering that Chris and I were madly in love, about to celebrate our two year anniversary (July 11th) and that I was with my best friends who love me, no matter what I look like or do...just because I'm me. These are girls who were as close to me as my sisters in college and still remain that way today. So I was thrilled and blessed to be able to be with them. I actually enjoyed the wedding day, felt comfortable in my matron of honor dress, and was able to dance, laugh, and celebrate the night away until Chris and I had to head back home. Halfway home, we stopped at a hotel that we had made reservations at. It was past midnight, now our anniversary, and we know now that we conceived little Samantha Peep that night. We had tossed caution to the wind and said "Lord, if you want us to have a baby, here's your chance." Funny how that worked out.
The next week was crazy. We worked a few days then loaded up our things and headed to New Orleans with our youth group and two other leaders, our DCE, and 12 youth for the LCMS National Youth Gathering themed We Believe. We had a fantastic time, grew in our faith, and bonded with our group. I truly believe that God blessed the timing of this pregnancy by allowing us that experience to grow spiritually before finding out our lives were going to change. It was great. My eating disorder did great and stayed away while on the trip. I wanted to simply enjoy the moment and I loved being with our youth, whom I know for a fact love me for me. This was a major blessing. However, while I was down there, I kept feeling sick. I know now it was morning sickness...not late night pizza and overstimulating music! E.N. kept saying "Maybe you're pregnant!" I was like "No....well....maybe?!"
We came back from New Orleans and when no period arrived and I could not recall the exact date of my last period, I decided to take a pregnancy test on Saturday, July 24th. I had previously been taking pregnancy tests each month since my periods had been not irregular but coming a wee bit late each month. They had all come up negative and I imagined this one would too. So imagine my surprise when it came up with two lines, not one, and conclusively screamed POSITIVE.
At this point, I wish I could say that I bought baby carrots, baby whatevers, and whatevers and made my husband a nice dinner to surprise him when he came home. No, instead I called him crying. Well, actually I managed to hold my tears for a bit. I figured if I couldn't wait because I was too upset, I could at least tell him without crying. He answered his cell phone....so I said "Hey....." He said "Hey, what's up?" I was like "Oh well, I just wanted to give you a call and let you know that we're having a baby." I tried, semi-successfully, to sound excited and not cry. He was like, "For real? Are you serious?" I was like, "For real, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive." He was like "We're having a baby....how do YOU feel about that?" He sounded excited and then I burst into tears....."I'm FREAKING OUT!! I don't know how we're going to do this. We shouldn't have done this. You said I wouldn't get pregnant! Ahhhh!" And cried....then calmed, then cried, then calmed. Throughout the day waiting for him to come home, I was filled with ups and downs. I called one of my best friends and told her what was going on. We talked and she was very encouraging through my tears. Finally Chris came home and he reassured me that everything would be fine and dandy and we would make the finacial situation work, etc. This started to calm me and over the next five days I would calm down, fall in love with Peep, and even get excited about being pregnant.
Monday, July 26th rolled around. I called the doctor's office (because I hadn't been able to call over the weekend) and they asked when my last period was. Because I couldn't tell them (DUMB me!) I had to go in for a pregnancy confirmation visit on Friday, July 30th. Chris and I called to share what was going with the eating disorder because currently I had been in counseling and we knew that getting on a scale would be a problem for me. They agreed to weigh me backwards and not say the number.
All week was good. I was nervous but excited. I was pregnant! When we went to the appointment, Chris agreed that he would stay near me during the weigh in to remind them. Unfortunately, prior to the weigh in, I had to give a urine sample. When I came out of the bathroom, Chris was gone. The nurse told me she'd sent him back to my exam room. She escorted me into the scale area and not only did she weigh someone else in front of me, she weighed me and said my number out loud! I was pretty hysterical by the time I got to the exam room. Chris took one look at me and he was angry. He knew what had happened. He slammed his sunglasses to the floor. He's like "I shouldn't have left you!" By the time our doctor came in, I was sobbing hysterically and claiming to Chris "I'm not having this baby. I can't get on or NEAR the scale again." The doctor apologized. I, through tears, said "We called about this....so this wouldn't happen!" The doctors said "I know you did. It's right here in your chart. I can see that. I knew you had called. Apparently they missed it. I am so, so sorry, Shannon." He did a brief examination and then told me to come back in four weeks. He was very gentle, kind, and highly apologetic which made things a little better but not much. He concluded that I was five weeks pregnant and due at the beginning of April.
After the appointment, I marched out of the office. Chris attempted to follow me. I was screaming "I am not having this baby!" After I finally got him to leave me alone, it was a terrible afternoon. I went to work, looked up the nearest Planned Parenthood (even though I am COMPLETELY pro-life, that's how hysterical I was) and took a bus downtown. I got there only to be told that I had to call another location/number to set up an abortion. I'm so thankful I couldn't do it immediately because I would have made a very rash, very bad decision. I actually set up the appointment for the following week. Then I finally let Chris (who had been wandering all over Pittsburgh) pick me up. He had been talking with our pastor and two of our very good friends (whom we were supposed to see that weekend at their in-laws) and they had been calling me. Chris came and got me but I was highly insistent that I didn't want to see our friends. After sobbing and talking for a long time, I said "But I don't want to have an abortion! I just CAN'T get on the scale...." It was bad. Chris agreed to call the OBGYN office and ask them if I could stay away from the scale. You see, it was so bad because I had told myself the worst wouldn't happen and then it did. Now, I couldn't even go NEAR the scale. Anyhow, the office manager reassured Chris that likely that would not be a problem since the doctor himself had said "I don't think she can be anywhere a scale." He was right. We ended up cancelling the abortion, going and seeing our friends, and in the next few days we were reassured and became excited about the pregnancy once again, especially knowing I wouldn't have to get on the scale. Anyhow, though, I secretly wished I would miscarry right after I cancelled the abortion, a secret wish that I would end up regretting a couple of days later and pray that the Lord would forgive me and forget my wish. I know that what happened is not because I wished for it but it still makes it a little harder.
Over the next two weeks, we grew thrilled about the pregnancy. God granted me joy and peace! I wrote our little Peep letters. I slowly slid into the motherhood role and was content and overjoyed about how wonderful life would be. I prayed for our baby. I bought things and I told my mom and my best friends. I needed these women I talked with so regularly to be on board. They were overjoyed and their joy multiplied ours. I even prayed that one of my best friends would become pregnant. One did! I was overjoyed when she called, looking forward to sharing the joy of pregnancy and our future parenting.
That was fine until two weeks after my prenatal visit. Friday, August 15th, I started bleeding.
That's all I have time to write today. I'll write the rest of our journey tomorrow. Blessings and love to all of you.
~Shannon
Doctors
Today has been especially bad. After yesterday afternoon and a bit of a rough morning, I called my therapist. I was in desperate need of some direction and needing to find a doctor. Chris and I had been seeing his old doctor's office in Butler but I had decided I needed to see someone new for a few reasons. Anyhow, here's where I come clean about all of this. I am tired of keeping it all hidden away and secrets from our family and friends. It's time to be real.
The real reason I struggled with finding a doctor and needing to see one but not wanting to see one was that I have a deep and intense and incredibly irrational fear of getting on the scale at the doctor's office. I'm not sure when this started. I can weigh myself at home. I can weigh myself in front of Chris (that didn't happen overnight) but at some point I began avoiding the doctor's office to avoid the scale. It didn't matter what the number was, I would freak out one way or another. Anyhow, this is part of my journey in struggling with an eating disorder. So I started to avoid doctors and scales. But I still have to be able to see a doctor. Thankfully, my therapist just recommended me to a very nice female doctor and she says I will not have to get on the scale because it is not worth it for my eating disorder to come back after working so hard to fight it. That's reassuring.
Anyhow, check out my next post on what I will call the entire journey of our pregnancy.
~Shannon
The real reason I struggled with finding a doctor and needing to see one but not wanting to see one was that I have a deep and intense and incredibly irrational fear of getting on the scale at the doctor's office. I'm not sure when this started. I can weigh myself at home. I can weigh myself in front of Chris (that didn't happen overnight) but at some point I began avoiding the doctor's office to avoid the scale. It didn't matter what the number was, I would freak out one way or another. Anyhow, this is part of my journey in struggling with an eating disorder. So I started to avoid doctors and scales. But I still have to be able to see a doctor. Thankfully, my therapist just recommended me to a very nice female doctor and she says I will not have to get on the scale because it is not worth it for my eating disorder to come back after working so hard to fight it. That's reassuring.
Anyhow, check out my next post on what I will call the entire journey of our pregnancy.
~Shannon
The past few days
The past few days I haven't blogged because I didn't access to Internet. On Friday, we celebrated our anniversary. We decided, in lieu of presents, to just spend the day together. We had cinnamon rolls for breakfast, finished our last episode of Lost to send it back to Netflix, and then headed off to do some shopping and spend lunch out. We had Japanese for lunch and found me a new shirt, picked up the movie Fireproof, as well as a book on stewardship, and picked up some more jewelry making things for me. We mainly just enjoyed being together. We did our grocery shopping and then had take out Chinese for dinner (it was a no cooking day for us because cooking has been EXHAUSTING lately) and things were mostly good. I had been feeling a wee bit emotional throughout the day, seeing baby things, etc., but had handled it well and we had a generally good day.
Unfortunately, as evening neared, I felt myself getting agitated. I didn't know what was going on so I just tried to push it aside but that didn't work out so well. We were playing chess when I made one bad move. Chris was like "really?" (in wonder) as he moved in on my queen. I had just noticed my bad move (had been having a hard time focusing on the game anyhow) and freaked out. I swept my hand across the chess board and dashed out of the room sobbing. I'm pretty sure it wasn't the chess board that set me off but rather just that anxious, sad, irritable edge that had been welling up in me. Sure enough, I sobbed and cried and Chris just held me for a bit that evening. It was rough and I was upset because I felt as though I had ruined our "special" anniversary day. But no days lately have been one hundred percent good so I'm not sure what I expected. If I thought I could just pretend things were great and forget everything for a day? Not that Chris was expecting anything but I put the pressure on...I had an expectation. But overall, it was okay.
Saturday, we went and saw Life As We Know It. It was a relatively good movie. Of course, it made me cry (being about babies, etc.) I did sob a couple of times but I also was able to enjoy it found it therapeutic. When the little girl Sophie said "Mama" though, I lost it for two or three minutes. But it was good for us too and it was good to be out and doing things, even though it was difficult. That evening was the award dinner for Chris. It actually went okay. We arrived for appetizers and the two of us just chatted. It was a wee bit awkward because you have to realize that the 300 or so people that attended were from like 13 different hospitals and a whole bunch of different labs and facilities. As is such, we didn't really know anyone else. I enjoyed a glass of Cabernet wine while we wandered, listened to music, etc. and Chris enjoyed a nice white Zinfandel. Luckily, for dinner, the seating had been done intentionally and we were seated with Chris's boss's boss's boss (something like that) named Linda whom he was familiar with. Our fellow tablemates were all very sweet, nice people too and we actually enjoyed their company and stayed the entire evening. Dinner was good too. I was so proud of my husband and that helped too. At point during the program/speeches, I teared up though and thought I would lose it. They said something like ".....Womens' Hospital is generally a place of joy but for some mothers and families, it a place of loss and sadness when they lose their baby." They were awarding a team from the hospital that I had the D&C done at and that was how they prefaced it. It brought me to tears and Chris just slid his arm around me and patted my back. I composed myself and the rest of the night was nice. When we got home we were both pretty wired and energetic so we got a lot of laundry done. Folding, washing, drying, and more folding. Productive at least. I actually fell asleep on a decent note. A little sad but not as tearful as I have been.
Then Sunday. Waking up was fine but then I got upset shortly before we left for church. The ride there was good but then once we got close, I got worked up again. My dear friend Sandi sat with us during church and she likely has no idea how comforting that was to us once again. I love her and she is a mother type of figure. It always comforts me to have Chris on my right and Sandi on my left. I feel sandwiched in safety. Afterwards, I enjoyed a pleasant conversation with two of our young ladies from youth group (E.N. and J.S) which was also really nice. I had forgotten how much I missed them.
When we got home, though, things went sour for most of the day. Chris was not having a great day and I started to feel very empty and very sad. We finally resolved those feelings and had a good late evening. I enjoyed talking with my mother-in-law (thanks J.H.) for awhile before we played our nightly cribbage game. That was about it.
And then here we are today........
Unfortunately, as evening neared, I felt myself getting agitated. I didn't know what was going on so I just tried to push it aside but that didn't work out so well. We were playing chess when I made one bad move. Chris was like "really?" (in wonder) as he moved in on my queen. I had just noticed my bad move (had been having a hard time focusing on the game anyhow) and freaked out. I swept my hand across the chess board and dashed out of the room sobbing. I'm pretty sure it wasn't the chess board that set me off but rather just that anxious, sad, irritable edge that had been welling up in me. Sure enough, I sobbed and cried and Chris just held me for a bit that evening. It was rough and I was upset because I felt as though I had ruined our "special" anniversary day. But no days lately have been one hundred percent good so I'm not sure what I expected. If I thought I could just pretend things were great and forget everything for a day? Not that Chris was expecting anything but I put the pressure on...I had an expectation. But overall, it was okay.
Saturday, we went and saw Life As We Know It. It was a relatively good movie. Of course, it made me cry (being about babies, etc.) I did sob a couple of times but I also was able to enjoy it found it therapeutic. When the little girl Sophie said "Mama" though, I lost it for two or three minutes. But it was good for us too and it was good to be out and doing things, even though it was difficult. That evening was the award dinner for Chris. It actually went okay. We arrived for appetizers and the two of us just chatted. It was a wee bit awkward because you have to realize that the 300 or so people that attended were from like 13 different hospitals and a whole bunch of different labs and facilities. As is such, we didn't really know anyone else. I enjoyed a glass of Cabernet wine while we wandered, listened to music, etc. and Chris enjoyed a nice white Zinfandel. Luckily, for dinner, the seating had been done intentionally and we were seated with Chris's boss's boss's boss (something like that) named Linda whom he was familiar with. Our fellow tablemates were all very sweet, nice people too and we actually enjoyed their company and stayed the entire evening. Dinner was good too. I was so proud of my husband and that helped too. At point during the program/speeches, I teared up though and thought I would lose it. They said something like ".....Womens' Hospital is generally a place of joy but for some mothers and families, it a place of loss and sadness when they lose their baby." They were awarding a team from the hospital that I had the D&C done at and that was how they prefaced it. It brought me to tears and Chris just slid his arm around me and patted my back. I composed myself and the rest of the night was nice. When we got home we were both pretty wired and energetic so we got a lot of laundry done. Folding, washing, drying, and more folding. Productive at least. I actually fell asleep on a decent note. A little sad but not as tearful as I have been.
Then Sunday. Waking up was fine but then I got upset shortly before we left for church. The ride there was good but then once we got close, I got worked up again. My dear friend Sandi sat with us during church and she likely has no idea how comforting that was to us once again. I love her and she is a mother type of figure. It always comforts me to have Chris on my right and Sandi on my left. I feel sandwiched in safety. Afterwards, I enjoyed a pleasant conversation with two of our young ladies from youth group (E.N. and J.S) which was also really nice. I had forgotten how much I missed them.
When we got home, though, things went sour for most of the day. Chris was not having a great day and I started to feel very empty and very sad. We finally resolved those feelings and had a good late evening. I enjoyed talking with my mother-in-law (thanks J.H.) for awhile before we played our nightly cribbage game. That was about it.
And then here we are today........
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Celebration?
This weekend is supposed to be celebratory. We are supposed to celebrate our anniversary tomorrow. We are supposed to celebrate an award Chris got at work by going to a very nice dinner hosted for the award winners by his place of employment. When we planned all this, it was a time of celebration. I was supposed to be 15 weeks pregnant. I would have been celebrating making it through my first trimester. I want to enjoy tomorrow but I don't know how to. I know Chris doesn't have expectations but I still feel like I want this to be special since we haven't celebrated and our anniversary was back in July. No, maybe that's not true. We had a very small and quick celebration in which we know that God gave us Samantha Peep. Maybe that's why now is so painful?
But the dinner on Saturday will be hardest. To be around lots of people I don't know is already difficult for me. But to have to be celebratory and happy. I am trying to remember that I am very proud of my husband because I am. I said to him the other night "Now the rest of the world knows what I already knew---how awesome you are!" I do feel that way but I'm sad too....because part of our family is gone.
~Shannon
But the dinner on Saturday will be hardest. To be around lots of people I don't know is already difficult for me. But to have to be celebratory and happy. I am trying to remember that I am very proud of my husband because I am. I said to him the other night "Now the rest of the world knows what I already knew---how awesome you are!" I do feel that way but I'm sad too....because part of our family is gone.
~Shannon
Interesting article
http://www.kyria.com/topics/hottopics/womensissues/9.42.html?start=2
This article is called Mourning a Miscarriage. I stumbled across it. While I don't agree with everything in it (mainly the part that says God said "no" to her having a baby....I don't necessary believe God just causes death. Sometimes these things just happen as a consequences of a sinful world. God is only good. He can use bad though for good but we must remember that he does not make bad happen.) it made me think.
~Shannon
This article is called Mourning a Miscarriage. I stumbled across it. While I don't agree with everything in it (mainly the part that says God said "no" to her having a baby....I don't necessary believe God just causes death. Sometimes these things just happen as a consequences of a sinful world. God is only good. He can use bad though for good but we must remember that he does not make bad happen.) it made me think.
~Shannon
Yearn for heaven?
Is it bad that right now I am yearning for heaven? I have always been heaven-bound and yearned to be there but these days my heart just desires it more and more. My dear friend Sarah Joy and I (in college days) used to have days where we just wanted to be in front of Jesus. Now that Samantha Peep awaits there, I only yearn more for heaven. Now don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal. God is the only one who decides life and death. But....I find myself praying more and more 'come quickly, Lord Jesus, come quickly.' If He returned today, I would be consumed with that eternal joy that I can only look forward to for now. Samantha Peep, baby, you've left me yearning heavenbound.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Grieve with hope
"Brothers, we do not want you to grieve like the rest of men,
who have no hope"
who have no hope"
(1 Thessalonians 4:13)
Tears for what should have been
I took a lunch break today. I never take a lunch break. Not because I am a workaholic but because my work is so laid back and very rarely do I spend long days here so it makes sense to skip the break and eat down here. But I left the lab and took a break because I was feeling it today. I don't know what it is. I called Chris and cried on my lunch break.
Tears for what should have been
And what is
Tears for what I wish for
And what is
Tears for what I would give
And what is
Tears are all that's left
I should have been almost 15 weeks pregnant today. I wish for Samantha Peep to be back inside of me and filled with life. And I would give almost anything in the world for our baby. Just when I think I am feeling better, I lose it all over again. Will I ever feel better? Lord, I want my baby. But if I can't have my baby, then please, please grant me healing.
~Shannon
Tears for what should have been
And what is
Tears for what I wish for
And what is
Tears for what I would give
And what is
Tears are all that's left
I should have been almost 15 weeks pregnant today. I wish for Samantha Peep to be back inside of me and filled with life. And I would give almost anything in the world for our baby. Just when I think I am feeling better, I lose it all over again. Will I ever feel better? Lord, I want my baby. But if I can't have my baby, then please, please grant me healing.
~Shannon
A mother's heart really hurts: First ultrasound memories
I'm really hurting right now. First of all, for the loss of our sweet baby. Second of all, because I'm hurting so badly because it was our baby we lost. Let me explain. I always imagined, envisioned, tried to think of what a mother's love and a mother's heart was like....but until you've been there, you can't even begin to imagine. I think I really fell in love with Samantha Peep when I saw her on the ultrasound image the first time I went in for bleeding. I was instantly enthralled by our tiny little flapping and kicking blob with a heartbeat. She was life. She was alive! Chris and I tightly gripped hands and beamed as the ultrasound technician said she saw a heartbeat and everything looked great. And we had loved our baby before, but that's when it made it real and we fell head over heels in love with this baby....and then we lost her. We had no clue that 5 weeks later we'd be in the same situation but with the opposite news and that our hearts could break with as much pain as they had felt joy. So now my mother's heart hurts...my heart is so tender....and I miss our baby, more than words can ever express. So much feels lost and I don't know where to go from here. This entire thing has given me more clarity than I've ever had but I can't have the one thing I want........I want my baby.
I read in one of the resources our pastor gave us that there can be no grief without love. Our grief is a tribute to the love we had for our baby. Well, I know I did love that baby a lot and I can certainly feel it now because my heart feels ripped at.
~Shannon
I read in one of the resources our pastor gave us that there can be no grief without love. Our grief is a tribute to the love we had for our baby. Well, I know I did love that baby a lot and I can certainly feel it now because my heart feels ripped at.
~Shannon
Hello, Goodbye by Michael W. Smith
Here is another song I found that I really like. It's called Hello, Goodbye by Michael W. Smith. It's for a baby named Noah. But other than the specificity of the name, I feel as though I can really relate to the lyrics. Here's a YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoQlMmwH-Is
Hello, Goodbye (Michael W. Smith)
Hello, Goodbye (Michael W. Smith)
Where's the navigator of your destiny
Where is the dealer of this hand
Who can explain
Life and it's brevity
'Cause there is nothing here
That I can understand
You and I
Have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet
Chorus: Noah, hello, good-bye
I'll see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side
And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you
Before it calls for me
When you get there save me a place
A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just awhile
As I'm listening to it right now, watching this video I posted, I can't help but cry. My heart hurts and it doesn't feel like I will ever put this behind me.
~Shannon
Where is the dealer of this hand
Who can explain
Life and it's brevity
'Cause there is nothing here
That I can understand
You and I
Have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet
Chorus: Noah, hello, good-bye
I'll see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side
And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you
Before it calls for me
When you get there save me a place
A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just awhile
As I'm listening to it right now, watching this video I posted, I can't help but cry. My heart hurts and it doesn't feel like I will ever put this behind me.
~Shannon
George Canyon's My Name
As I have previously mentioned, I have been finding songs that make me feel better. Songs that talk about losing babies make me feel not all alone in this journey. One song I found was George Canyon's My Name.
Here's a link to a video on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMD7_KZz2iU
I picked this video because it's dedicated to a mom's two babies in heaven. Also, here's the words:
My Name (George Canyon)
It's cold in here
Feels like everything's upside down
I can feel you talkin'
But I can hardly make out the sound
And I've been kickin' around these parts
Feels like a year
And I'm going to change this world
If I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink
Paints my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself
'Cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven't learned any fear, any shame
It's kind of funny with all this commotion
Guess they've got me to blame
They don't even know my name
They don't even know my name
Well, I've never felt so ready
Think it's finally time
Cause that big ol' world is waiting
And it's mine, all mine
Just then everything got real quiet
And it got real bright
And a man took my hand, said don't worry
Your Mama's going to be alright
Then he opened the gate
And I followed him in
Said you can wait right here
'Til it's your turn again
His love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear, no shame
Never got to set my wheels in motion But they loved me just the same
They didn't even know my name
They didn't even know my name
You love me just the same
And you didn't even know my name
Samantha Peep, we loved you before we knew your name.
~Shannon
Here's a link to a video on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMD7_KZz2iU
I picked this video because it's dedicated to a mom's two babies in heaven. Also, here's the words:
My Name (George Canyon)
It's cold in here
Feels like everything's upside down
I can feel you talkin'
But I can hardly make out the sound
And I've been kickin' around these parts
Feels like a year
And I'm going to change this world
If I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink
Paints my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself
'Cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven't learned any fear, any shame
It's kind of funny with all this commotion
Guess they've got me to blame
They don't even know my name
They don't even know my name
Well, I've never felt so ready
Think it's finally time
Cause that big ol' world is waiting
And it's mine, all mine
Just then everything got real quiet
And it got real bright
And a man took my hand, said don't worry
Your Mama's going to be alright
Then he opened the gate
And I followed him in
Said you can wait right here
'Til it's your turn again
His love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear, no shame
Never got to set my wheels in motion But they loved me just the same
They didn't even know my name
They didn't even know my name
You love me just the same
And you didn't even know my name
Samantha Peep, we loved you before we knew your name.
~Shannon
The Bible talks about comfort
In the process of Biblegatewaying (is that a word?) my last passage, I ended up coming across tons of other passages on comfort. I thought I would compile my favorites and share. Why? Because reading these did indeed bring me comfort and I hope they comfort you too, in whatever your need is. These are all NIV (New International Version).
Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 86:17
Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.
Psalm 119:50
My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
Psalm 119:76
May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.
Isaiah 12:1
In that day you will say: "I will praise you, O Lord. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me."
Isaiah 49:13
Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
Isaiah 51:12a
"I, even I, am he who comforts you."
Isaiah 52:9
Burst into songs of joy together, you ruins of Jerusalemn, for the Lord has comforted his people, he has redeemed Jerusalem.
Isaiah 66:13a
As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.
Jeremiah 8:18
O my Comforter in sorrow, my heart is faint within me.
Jeremiah 31:13
Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
Jeremiah 31:15
This is what the Lord says: "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more."
Lamentations 2:13
What can I say for you? With what can I compare you, O Daughter of Jerusalem? To what can I liken you, that I may comfort you, O Virgin Daughter of Zion? Your wound is as deep as the sea. Who can heal you?
Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Luke 16:25
"But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony.'
John 14:1 (Jesus Comforts the Disciples)
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just at the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
There...now I have all of these words compiled here to remind me that God does comfort and He does care!
~Shannon
Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 86:17
Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.
Psalm 119:50
My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
Psalm 119:76
May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.
Isaiah 12:1
In that day you will say: "I will praise you, O Lord. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me."
Isaiah 49:13
Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
Isaiah 51:12a
"I, even I, am he who comforts you."
Isaiah 52:9
Burst into songs of joy together, you ruins of Jerusalemn, for the Lord has comforted his people, he has redeemed Jerusalem.
Isaiah 66:13a
As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.
Jeremiah 8:18
O my Comforter in sorrow, my heart is faint within me.
Jeremiah 31:13
Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
Jeremiah 31:15
This is what the Lord says: "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more."
Lamentations 2:13
What can I say for you? With what can I compare you, O Daughter of Jerusalem? To what can I liken you, that I may comfort you, O Virgin Daughter of Zion? Your wound is as deep as the sea. Who can heal you?
Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Luke 16:25
"But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony.'
John 14:1 (Jesus Comforts the Disciples)
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just at the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
There...now I have all of these words compiled here to remind me that God does comfort and He does care!
~Shannon
Last night's Bible reading
Last night's Bible reading was incredibly encouraging to me. It's always been one of my favorite passages but it especially touched my heart in this, the most difficult time of my life, because it reminds me that God uses everything for His glory!
The reading was:
The reading was:
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (New International Version)
The God of All Comfort
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
Quite simply, it reminded me that I will use this time of hurt I've been through to help someone else....and to glorify Him. Also....even though we are suffering (like Christ suffered), through Christ we are comforted and filled with joy!!! I also love where it calls God the Father of compassion. I believe that with all my heart to be true.....
~Shannon
Gravestone Reading
So contrary to what it might seem with my frequent posting these past two days, I am actually at work and doing work! I'm a quick typer and as thoughts come to me, they just pour out and then I continue on with my work. I have actually been more productive by clearing my head as thoughts pop in. Thank you, Lord, for a laid back work environment where my boss's only focus is on whether or not everything gets done and he could care less what we do the rest of the time.
Yesterday I wrote about how there is no closure, nothing left with a miscarriage. It is not like another death where you have a chance to grieve and look at mementos. For me, I felt it would be healthy to write a general gravestone heading and an obituary.
If I had been chosing the epitaph to put on a gravestone, I would have put her name as Samantha Peep Schroeder, July 11th, 2010-September 21, 2010, Beloved Child of God. There would have been a lamb engraved somewhere on the stone because we saw her as a lamb of God and wanted her to know the Lamb of God.
I feel like right now I have to insert that we would not have really made her middle name Peep had she been born and lived. Peep was simply Samantha's nickname before she was Samantha while she was growing inside of me because we likened Peep to being a little chick. For us, it gave us our own personal reference instead of using the generic baby reference. It made her very real to us. So now having lost her and not having the opportunity to actually meet her and name her, she is forever Samantha Peep.
For her obituary, things get more complicated...Perhaps I will continue to work on what I would have wanted that to say.
By the way, to all my new followers, friends or now blog acquaintances, thank you for reading. Really, thank you for listening. You are a blessing to me. I shared in response to my post "Two followers" that I felt validated by having readers, like what I have to say is worth sharing.
Yesterday I wrote about how there is no closure, nothing left with a miscarriage. It is not like another death where you have a chance to grieve and look at mementos. For me, I felt it would be healthy to write a general gravestone heading and an obituary.
If I had been chosing the epitaph to put on a gravestone, I would have put her name as Samantha Peep Schroeder, July 11th, 2010-September 21, 2010, Beloved Child of God. There would have been a lamb engraved somewhere on the stone because we saw her as a lamb of God and wanted her to know the Lamb of God.
I feel like right now I have to insert that we would not have really made her middle name Peep had she been born and lived. Peep was simply Samantha's nickname before she was Samantha while she was growing inside of me because we likened Peep to being a little chick. For us, it gave us our own personal reference instead of using the generic baby reference. It made her very real to us. So now having lost her and not having the opportunity to actually meet her and name her, she is forever Samantha Peep.
For her obituary, things get more complicated...Perhaps I will continue to work on what I would have wanted that to say.
By the way, to all my new followers, friends or now blog acquaintances, thank you for reading. Really, thank you for listening. You are a blessing to me. I shared in response to my post "Two followers" that I felt validated by having readers, like what I have to say is worth sharing.
A Better Way by Downhere
One of my dearest and bestest friends (thanks J.F.) reminded me of this awesome song called A Better Way. We used to listen to it while we were roommates at Concordia. That semester was fantastic. Anyhow, I haven't listened to it lately but it is refreshing to remember God's way is the best way possible. Also, it reminds me of all that God has gotten me through since I was a senior in college. He has never left me and He will get me through this hurt and this life. There was NO better way to say I love you than for Jesus to come and die and do what we couldn't do ourselves. So no matter what the circumstances are I remember that.
Here's a link to listen to it on YouTube. I have no idea how to upload videos or put things up here. If anyone has any idea, I'd love to know.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NegD8s3pUpw
A Better Way by Downhere
I'm not alone, I really believe
You never go, You never leave
Here and now, You always stay
“I love you” could not be said a better way
It's everything You've promised
There's no greater love than this
From prophets until today
A man laying down His life for His friends
Your sacrifice has spoken, You gave everything
And “I love you” could not be said
A better way
I am forgiven, I clearly see
It's why You came to do all you did for me
Trading earth with heaven, You took my place
“I love you” could not be said
A better way
Because You redeem, I know what's to come
Everything I could lose here, You've already won
So You have my surrender, with passion obey
“I love you” could not be said
A better way
Here's a link to listen to it on YouTube. I have no idea how to upload videos or put things up here. If anyone has any idea, I'd love to know.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NegD8s3pUpw
A Better Way by Downhere
I'm not alone, I really believe
You never go, You never leave
Here and now, You always stay
“I love you” could not be said a better way
It's everything You've promised
There's no greater love than this
From prophets until today
A man laying down His life for His friends
Your sacrifice has spoken, You gave everything
And “I love you” could not be said
A better way
I am forgiven, I clearly see
It's why You came to do all you did for me
Trading earth with heaven, You took my place
“I love you” could not be said
A better way
Because You redeem, I know what's to come
Everything I could lose here, You've already won
So You have my surrender, with passion obey
“I love you” could not be said
A better way
Nighttime is one of the hardest times
This morning was an adventure. I had to come into work earlier than normal which meant waking up earlier than normal.....which wouldn't be an issue except for the fact that taking a sleeping pill makes me extra groggy. Yes, I'm still taking Unisom. I had been taking it on and off, not being able to sleep at all while pregnant, and I still can't sleep. My doctor had told me Unisom was fine to take while pregnant (and I do believe him because others and studies agree) and that I could take it the whole pregnancy if needed because it was necessary that I sleep! Since I found out I miscarried, nighttime has not become any more of my friend. I'll explain.
The first night after the miscarriage was found out, I cried and cried. It was very frustrating because I couldn't take anything to sleep because I needed to be up early and at the hospital for the D&C. So I tossed and turned all night. The worst part of it all was waking up in the middle of the night crying or worse yet, not crying, then remembering what had happened as I put my hand to my abdomen, and then losing it all over again. My poor and sweet husband (Christopher) has no recollection of rolling over in his sleep, holding me close and kissing me while I wept. But he did, time and time again, throughout that night. By morning I was exhausted and keyed up about the D&C. But we got through it.
Since that night things have only gotten remotely better at nighttime. I think it's because it's hard to calm my mind down when I am laying in bed and also once my body has gotten even a slight amount of sleep, it's very difficult to convince it that I am still tired. I have tried a couple of times not taking anything and then I end up getting only three hours of sleep and being exhausted and extremely emotional by morning and throughout the day. So for now it seems I will need artificial sleep making things to make me rest. I guess it could be worse. There could be nothing that helps people with sleep so I'm not really complaining!
Anyhow, last night was rough too. It seems my tears have dried up a little but I am always on the verge of crying still. I am very quiet now and as most of you know, that's not me. Chris has been perplexed by this change in me to more serious, quiet, and contemplative. I have also been perplexed but am content with who I am in this phase. I know that I am still in a cocoon from everything that has happened and is going on around me and I just pray that God brings me to fruition as a butterfly! As we spent time together, there was that quietness. A bit of sorrow for me but also just silence. However when bedtime rolled around, the emotions welled up. Perhaps it's because there's no distractions at bedtime. Perhaps it's also because our nighttime devotions (given to us by our pastor) for parents of miscarried babies stir up my tender soul and emotions. I also would reckon that it's because so much of our excitement about Peep and our little baby spilled into right before bed. We would use cocoa butter on my body each night and that was a bonding experience for us. We would talk about our baby and our hopes, dreams, and prayers. We shared our fears and concerns. Now all of that is gone and bedtime is a place where we share our days again and we feel so empty. Anyhow, I was quiet and trying to doze off and then the tears came. Not in sobs but a steady stream of almost silent tears that felt as though they came straight from my heart. Chris held me as I cried and then...that was it. I fell asleep in quiet personal prayer asking God to hold me.
My prayer is that eventually nighttime becomes a joyful and peaceful time again.
~Shannon
The first night after the miscarriage was found out, I cried and cried. It was very frustrating because I couldn't take anything to sleep because I needed to be up early and at the hospital for the D&C. So I tossed and turned all night. The worst part of it all was waking up in the middle of the night crying or worse yet, not crying, then remembering what had happened as I put my hand to my abdomen, and then losing it all over again. My poor and sweet husband (Christopher) has no recollection of rolling over in his sleep, holding me close and kissing me while I wept. But he did, time and time again, throughout that night. By morning I was exhausted and keyed up about the D&C. But we got through it.
Since that night things have only gotten remotely better at nighttime. I think it's because it's hard to calm my mind down when I am laying in bed and also once my body has gotten even a slight amount of sleep, it's very difficult to convince it that I am still tired. I have tried a couple of times not taking anything and then I end up getting only three hours of sleep and being exhausted and extremely emotional by morning and throughout the day. So for now it seems I will need artificial sleep making things to make me rest. I guess it could be worse. There could be nothing that helps people with sleep so I'm not really complaining!
Anyhow, last night was rough too. It seems my tears have dried up a little but I am always on the verge of crying still. I am very quiet now and as most of you know, that's not me. Chris has been perplexed by this change in me to more serious, quiet, and contemplative. I have also been perplexed but am content with who I am in this phase. I know that I am still in a cocoon from everything that has happened and is going on around me and I just pray that God brings me to fruition as a butterfly! As we spent time together, there was that quietness. A bit of sorrow for me but also just silence. However when bedtime rolled around, the emotions welled up. Perhaps it's because there's no distractions at bedtime. Perhaps it's also because our nighttime devotions (given to us by our pastor) for parents of miscarried babies stir up my tender soul and emotions. I also would reckon that it's because so much of our excitement about Peep and our little baby spilled into right before bed. We would use cocoa butter on my body each night and that was a bonding experience for us. We would talk about our baby and our hopes, dreams, and prayers. We shared our fears and concerns. Now all of that is gone and bedtime is a place where we share our days again and we feel so empty. Anyhow, I was quiet and trying to doze off and then the tears came. Not in sobs but a steady stream of almost silent tears that felt as though they came straight from my heart. Chris held me as I cried and then...that was it. I fell asleep in quiet personal prayer asking God to hold me.
My prayer is that eventually nighttime becomes a joyful and peaceful time again.
~Shannon
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Two followers
I just saw that I have two followers and I can not tell a lie...it excited me! I felt like I wasn't a crazy mommy on a rant anymore but that my feelings and what I have to say has value. Thanks M.P. and J.F. You guys are great.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Miscarriage has no closure
I know this may sound crazy but one of the things that I've struggled with the most is feeling a lack of closure about losing Samantha. I mean when someone dies, expected or unexpected, one can expect a funeral or memorial service, sharing of memories, phone calls and connections made with old friends and family, perhaps a Facebook group started to share stories, one last look at the body, pictures to be brought and tangible things that reflect the past. A newspaper obituary honors the one who has passed. A grave stone marks the resting place of the body of the deceased. It is a place where people can go and remember.
When a miscarriage occurs, you have none of that closure. There is no body to bury. There is not a funeral or a memorial service where friends and family surround you. There are few phone calls but not to people who have known this person over the years because for your baby there were no years and years for people to get to know them. And the hardest part is the lack of pictures, tangible things, and worst of all, memories. There are no memories. The closest thing you have to memories are a pregnancy test, a few infant items, some greeting cards, and if you are blessed like we were, an ultrasound picture that showed a fluttering tiny blur of baby but that reminds you (even when you start to think you are losing it!) that your baby did indeed exist, even if only for the blink of an eye in this world. There is no place to go after it's all over. Having a D&C made the whole process quick and then suddenly it was over. I still am struggling with envisioning my sweet baby and the remains of the pregnancy from my uterus being processed in specimen jars and tubes and being sent off to the lab at the hospital we were at.
The lack of memories is the hardest. How I ache for at least more of that pregnancy...to have felt her move inside of me. Or even one day, to baptize her, to share her with friends and family, to take pictures, to touch her and tell her we love her. To pray over her. Even again, I say, more of that pregnancy...so that I could have prayed more for her, loved her more, read to her once her hearing developed. But there is no more. There are no memories. There are only wish thats, should haves, wanted tos, and never cans.
I am not bitter. I don't mean to sound angry in case I come across that way. I am just heartbroken. We accept what God has done and we know that He knows best. However, we also know that it's okay to admit that we are hurting over it. So I am not bitter. But I am jaded. I know that an innocence and a joy that was surrounding this pregnancy and also my life have been forever taken (at least until eternity finally restores that to me) and that things will never be the same. I already find myself being a more contemplative, quieter person. I know that God will use that though, with me, to strengthen my relationship with Him, with Chris, and to bring glory to Jesus. So I am content. Heartbroken but content.
I wanted to write an obituary and also an epitaph. I think it would be healing for me to envision a place where I could have remembered Samantha Peep. Also, an obituary to commemorate that her life did indeed exist. For her death would not have happened had there not been life. There can be no death where there is not life. And yet despite that, we are so grateful for her short life and also for her eternal life. Death has no sting there and we yearn to join countless others someday.
~Shannon
When a miscarriage occurs, you have none of that closure. There is no body to bury. There is not a funeral or a memorial service where friends and family surround you. There are few phone calls but not to people who have known this person over the years because for your baby there were no years and years for people to get to know them. And the hardest part is the lack of pictures, tangible things, and worst of all, memories. There are no memories. The closest thing you have to memories are a pregnancy test, a few infant items, some greeting cards, and if you are blessed like we were, an ultrasound picture that showed a fluttering tiny blur of baby but that reminds you (even when you start to think you are losing it!) that your baby did indeed exist, even if only for the blink of an eye in this world. There is no place to go after it's all over. Having a D&C made the whole process quick and then suddenly it was over. I still am struggling with envisioning my sweet baby and the remains of the pregnancy from my uterus being processed in specimen jars and tubes and being sent off to the lab at the hospital we were at.
The lack of memories is the hardest. How I ache for at least more of that pregnancy...to have felt her move inside of me. Or even one day, to baptize her, to share her with friends and family, to take pictures, to touch her and tell her we love her. To pray over her. Even again, I say, more of that pregnancy...so that I could have prayed more for her, loved her more, read to her once her hearing developed. But there is no more. There are no memories. There are only wish thats, should haves, wanted tos, and never cans.
I am not bitter. I don't mean to sound angry in case I come across that way. I am just heartbroken. We accept what God has done and we know that He knows best. However, we also know that it's okay to admit that we are hurting over it. So I am not bitter. But I am jaded. I know that an innocence and a joy that was surrounding this pregnancy and also my life have been forever taken (at least until eternity finally restores that to me) and that things will never be the same. I already find myself being a more contemplative, quieter person. I know that God will use that though, with me, to strengthen my relationship with Him, with Chris, and to bring glory to Jesus. So I am content. Heartbroken but content.
I wanted to write an obituary and also an epitaph. I think it would be healing for me to envision a place where I could have remembered Samantha Peep. Also, an obituary to commemorate that her life did indeed exist. For her death would not have happened had there not been life. There can be no death where there is not life. And yet despite that, we are so grateful for her short life and also for her eternal life. Death has no sting there and we yearn to join countless others someday.
~Shannon
This blog
I'm not even sure anyone is reading this blog and that's perfectly fine with me. While I intend to share and know all of this is public, it's not the only reason I'm doing this. This blog has turned into an outlet for me, a place to reflect and explore my thoughts. I am certain that at some point I will look back and realize what a journey God has carried me on and it will cause me to praise Him even more. Thank you, Lord, for even the littlest of blessings in life like a place for me to share and other blogs of those who have lost their babies, survived, and praised you amidst the rain. You are full of surprises, and your mercies are new every day.
~Shannon
~Shannon
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