I was so blessed this past Easter. It was a slightly different experience for me...as I didn't spend it with my husband and either of our families. I spent it with my church family, the body of Christ, for worship, and then a couple of dear friends from church for Easter dinner. And I was blessed!
When I arrived at church on Sunday, I was about five minutes late. This was slightly discombobulating for me as all Easter services are packed and our contemporary service was no exception! I slid into the front row, which wasn't a big deal, because I enjoy sitting up front.....and started worshipping with the band and the rest of the group of believers.
The service was wonderful but I can truly say that the message was what touched my heart the most. I found that what our pastor shared was just what I needed to hear. First, he reminded us that, in the same way that God took care of the stone at the burial site of Christ, that He can take care of all stones and obstacles in our life. Then he also reminded us of how important it was that Christ was buried. First of all, it proves he had died. Secondly, in His burial, Christ was carrying our sins to the grave. When He rises from the dead, in a glorified body, He leaves our sins behind--never again to haunt us or torment us! They were buried and are no more!
While those points in the sermon were incredibly important for me to hear.....there is one more point he made. That was most important. He talked about when everyone is asking the 'why' questions about the crucifixion and Jesus' situation, Jesus answer the question with a who response, NOT a why response. He says 'I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me will never perish but shall have eternal life.'
Why was this so important? I can ask why all I want. I sometimes do wonder why.....Samantha, Dominic, and Noah were taken....I don't have an answer. And yet, as our pastor said, Jesus chooses not to answer the why questions sometimes. But He does answer the who question. Pastor said 'Is it enough for you to know that? That He is the resurrection and the life? He may never answer the why but He answered the who. Do you believe that?'
I do believe that. With all my heart. Despite my circumstances, and the struggles, we've had...I believe that Jesus is the resurrection and the life and He is our hope!!!
One day, we will be reunited with our three precious children...and I pray that the children God blesses us with on earth...will grow to know Him and glorify His name...and that one day, our family will be together and things will finally be right.
Thank you, Lord, that you were forsaken so that we never will be. Thank you, Lord, for carrying our sins far away. And thank you, for giving us eternal life......We would be so lost in despair without you. We love you beyond measure because you loved us first.
~Shannon
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Life leaves scars...
Life leaves scars.
It doesn't mean healing doesn't take place.
It does.
It simply means that we'll never be the same.
Never the same as we were before that wound was inflicted.
It simply means that there will always be a tender spot.
A reminder of what happened.
I feel so blessed some days. I am almost fourteen and a half weeks pregnant with baby Sprout. Our little one has a gloriously healthy heartbeat and my body seems to be pregnant still. We are out of the first trimester.
And yet, somedays, my aches from my scars flare up. Like when the people around me are having babies that we should have shared a birth month with and I know that my first child, Samantha, would have been due this month. Mother's Day is next month. That's going to be hard too. Also, our little sisters are going to be/have gotten confirmed in their home church. When I envisioned all that happening, I planned on Samantha Peep being in the picture. She's not. Our arms are still empty and anxiously we wait and plan, not knowing whether or not this child will come home with us.
I sometimes feel that I can't focus on this baby. I am afraid to get too attached. When I start to get attached, I start to cry and I start to feel panicked, like someone is going to take this baby away. I am helpless to stop anything from happening, I am helpless to protect my child, and I am terrified that it's going to happen again.
I also struggle with body image. My body hasn't gone through major changes yet, but it is changing. It's weird. I can, technically, still wear my regular clothes. However, they are not comfortable. My hips are shifting and my uterus is rising up and starting to fill out...I've not baby bumped yet but my body is changing. I try to remember that my body is changing to accomodate and grow a baby. That my body is essentially my baby's body right now too! At least, it is my baby's home right now...so he/she is going to have an impact. But sometimes, I put something on and I panic because it doesn't feel or look exactly the same as it once did.
Faith is also a struggle. I know that I believe in creator God, Savior Jesus Christ, and ever-present Holy Spirit. However, different doctrinal things have been on my heart. I have really been struggling with that. It's something I need to explore with Scripture and pastoral guidance.
I am also really struggling emotionally. I think part of it what I wrote about earlier. The loss of Samantha, Dominic, and of Noah.........I know that this is simply the way things are and I can't not be grateful that Sprout is in me. I need to find acceptance. I don't have to find understanding. Sometimes our human minds can not comprehend the will of God. He doesn't ask that we understand. We are simply to accept and have faith. I struggle with that. Not so much maybe acceptance but still that sadness that comes with living in a sinful world. I also struggle with knowing that I almost got rid of Samantha. It's so interesting how in one moment I felt so strongly one way and then in so many others, I would give ANYTHING for her to be present.
Emotionally, I have been really depressed. J and Chris want me to possibly go onto a medication but I am nervous because I am pregnant. However, leaving me unmedicated might be bad too. It's a difficult decision to make and one that won't be reached without lots of questioning and prayer. I have also been battling self-destructive thoughts and patterns. My best friends and sister have been available though...and that is a blessing.
I am also blessed to be in a support group with a bunch of other women who get the eating disorder component of life. They do, they get it. It is a blessing to spend time with them and be reassured that I am not alone and misunderstood and also to have guidance in those difficult days. They have offered a tremendous amount of the support recently and I feel blessed because of that.
One other area I am struggling with is the fear of being a new mom. I am afraid of a lot of things! I also am uncertain and feel that I will be awkward in many of the areas of parenting. Now, what I don't want from people is advice...I simply want people to make themselves available so that I have support when I have questions or concerns.
I also worry that our timing to have children was wrong. We've had to do some discussing of jobs, childcare, education, and a variety of things, and trying to juggle and shift things stresses me. I don't deal with change or transition well and so I think I am a little nervous at how big of a change having a baby will be. However, I do believe children are a blessing and that therefore, we are/will be blessed and taken care of. It's just hard. Depression and severe anxiety makes everything worse.
That's what is going on. That's a fairly raw and real expression of how I've been feeling lately and what's been going through my mind.
~Shannon
It doesn't mean healing doesn't take place.
It does.
It simply means that we'll never be the same.
Never the same as we were before that wound was inflicted.
It simply means that there will always be a tender spot.
A reminder of what happened.
I feel so blessed some days. I am almost fourteen and a half weeks pregnant with baby Sprout. Our little one has a gloriously healthy heartbeat and my body seems to be pregnant still. We are out of the first trimester.
And yet, somedays, my aches from my scars flare up. Like when the people around me are having babies that we should have shared a birth month with and I know that my first child, Samantha, would have been due this month. Mother's Day is next month. That's going to be hard too. Also, our little sisters are going to be/have gotten confirmed in their home church. When I envisioned all that happening, I planned on Samantha Peep being in the picture. She's not. Our arms are still empty and anxiously we wait and plan, not knowing whether or not this child will come home with us.
I sometimes feel that I can't focus on this baby. I am afraid to get too attached. When I start to get attached, I start to cry and I start to feel panicked, like someone is going to take this baby away. I am helpless to stop anything from happening, I am helpless to protect my child, and I am terrified that it's going to happen again.
I also struggle with body image. My body hasn't gone through major changes yet, but it is changing. It's weird. I can, technically, still wear my regular clothes. However, they are not comfortable. My hips are shifting and my uterus is rising up and starting to fill out...I've not baby bumped yet but my body is changing. I try to remember that my body is changing to accomodate and grow a baby. That my body is essentially my baby's body right now too! At least, it is my baby's home right now...so he/she is going to have an impact. But sometimes, I put something on and I panic because it doesn't feel or look exactly the same as it once did.
Faith is also a struggle. I know that I believe in creator God, Savior Jesus Christ, and ever-present Holy Spirit. However, different doctrinal things have been on my heart. I have really been struggling with that. It's something I need to explore with Scripture and pastoral guidance.
I am also really struggling emotionally. I think part of it what I wrote about earlier. The loss of Samantha, Dominic, and of Noah.........I know that this is simply the way things are and I can't not be grateful that Sprout is in me. I need to find acceptance. I don't have to find understanding. Sometimes our human minds can not comprehend the will of God. He doesn't ask that we understand. We are simply to accept and have faith. I struggle with that. Not so much maybe acceptance but still that sadness that comes with living in a sinful world. I also struggle with knowing that I almost got rid of Samantha. It's so interesting how in one moment I felt so strongly one way and then in so many others, I would give ANYTHING for her to be present.
Emotionally, I have been really depressed. J and Chris want me to possibly go onto a medication but I am nervous because I am pregnant. However, leaving me unmedicated might be bad too. It's a difficult decision to make and one that won't be reached without lots of questioning and prayer. I have also been battling self-destructive thoughts and patterns. My best friends and sister have been available though...and that is a blessing.
I am also blessed to be in a support group with a bunch of other women who get the eating disorder component of life. They do, they get it. It is a blessing to spend time with them and be reassured that I am not alone and misunderstood and also to have guidance in those difficult days. They have offered a tremendous amount of the support recently and I feel blessed because of that.
One other area I am struggling with is the fear of being a new mom. I am afraid of a lot of things! I also am uncertain and feel that I will be awkward in many of the areas of parenting. Now, what I don't want from people is advice...I simply want people to make themselves available so that I have support when I have questions or concerns.
I also worry that our timing to have children was wrong. We've had to do some discussing of jobs, childcare, education, and a variety of things, and trying to juggle and shift things stresses me. I don't deal with change or transition well and so I think I am a little nervous at how big of a change having a baby will be. However, I do believe children are a blessing and that therefore, we are/will be blessed and taken care of. It's just hard. Depression and severe anxiety makes everything worse.
That's what is going on. That's a fairly raw and real expression of how I've been feeling lately and what's been going through my mind.
~Shannon
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
13 weeks, 1 day
13 weeks, 1 day
Yesterday, I was bleeding
I thought I had lost Sprout
I was terrified
But they found a heartbeat and the bleeding stopped
I was so relieved
But now I am worried that I am going to miscarry
And that it's only a matter of time
Maybe that's not rational
But it's how I FEEL
~Shannon
Yesterday, I was bleeding
I thought I had lost Sprout
I was terrified
But they found a heartbeat and the bleeding stopped
I was so relieved
But now I am worried that I am going to miscarry
And that it's only a matter of time
Maybe that's not rational
But it's how I FEEL
~Shannon
Shup Up ED So I Can Hear Me
In J's office, there's a t-shirt that another young woman struggling with ED made. It says 'Shut up ED so I can hear me.' Somehow, until last night, all I had seen is 'Shut up so I can hear me.' ED makes all the difference. For those of you who might somehow be confused....ED stands for eating disorder.
That phrase has been in my mind all morning. Perhaps it is because I was in group therapy last night and that's when I really noticed it because it was brought up by J.
Do you know how hard it is for me to hear myself? I can't hear myself think. I feel hunger settle in at lunch time and I'm trying to think about what I should eat for Sprout and myself. Instead of being able to think clearly, I hear voices telling me not to eat That I don't need to eat. That I'm not worth it to eat. And I can't hear myself think! I just don't want to eat....But I need to eat! IT IS SO DARN FRUSTRATING. And then when I finally do decide to eat, there are times where it's so complicated to decide WHAT to eat. Makes me so angry.
Shut up, ED, so I can hear ME.
~Shannon
That phrase has been in my mind all morning. Perhaps it is because I was in group therapy last night and that's when I really noticed it because it was brought up by J.
Do you know how hard it is for me to hear myself? I can't hear myself think. I feel hunger settle in at lunch time and I'm trying to think about what I should eat for Sprout and myself. Instead of being able to think clearly, I hear voices telling me not to eat That I don't need to eat. That I'm not worth it to eat. And I can't hear myself think! I just don't want to eat....But I need to eat! IT IS SO DARN FRUSTRATING. And then when I finally do decide to eat, there are times where it's so complicated to decide WHAT to eat. Makes me so angry.
Shut up, ED, so I can hear ME.
~Shannon
Monday, April 11, 2011
Wedding stuff
Well, some of you know that I was asked to be in my sister in law's wedding as matron of honor. I agreed. Then I got pregnant and with my eating disorder history...the dress became an adventure . Temptation kicked in. So I backed out. I consulted with 'wise people' before doing so and everyone was in agreement that I needed to back out.
I feel so relieved.
I am also so proud. I couldn't have said no and taken care of myself even six months ago. I credit J with helping me do that. She has really taught me how to take care of myself and that I am worth it. The people who love me will get that because they want me to take care of me.
It wasn't worth it to me to do something that could have hurt Sprout. So I am so glad to be able to say I made a decision that makes me a good mom.
~Shannon
I feel so relieved.
I am also so proud. I couldn't have said no and taken care of myself even six months ago. I credit J with helping me do that. She has really taught me how to take care of myself and that I am worth it. The people who love me will get that because they want me to take care of me.
It wasn't worth it to me to do something that could have hurt Sprout. So I am so glad to be able to say I made a decision that makes me a good mom.
~Shannon
A Variety of Things Going On
So I'm trying to be real here......
1. I hate sex. NOT really. But right now I do. There's too much anxiety for me surrounding it right now.
2. I can't seem to think about our anniversary without realizing that is when we conceived Samantha. It's not until July but still.
3. I adore my sister B. She sends me the sweetest texts at just the right time to say that she thinks I'm beautiful and that she loves me.
4. Yesterday was a good day but hard too. There was a baptism and I really, really, really struggled not to melt down. I couldn't melt down because I was on the stage as one of the worship leaders. But as I was looking at the little baby being baptized, I was wishing it was Samantha. It left me feeling a little wistful and then turned into anxiety for Sprout later that day.
5. My best friends are the best. I got to talk to B and E yesterday and it was such a blessed conversation. There are very few people in the world that I feel get me 100% and it's so great that my best friends do. I am blessed to have seven people (Chris, best friends, and my sister) who love me unconditionally, even when we don't always agree...we never disagree or fight. They understand I'm me...and accept me for that...and amazingly, love me for it. Thanks to my seven........
6. I love my mom. My mom and I had a fantastic number of conversations last week. I cried over some family stresses and frustrations and she was so empathic and encouraging. I can't wait to visit my family in a few weeks.
7. Christopher is incredible. I couldn't ask for more in a man. He is not perfect but he's so darn close. I have seen my husband grow tremendously in the past four months and I love him deeply. I know now how much God loves me because I am so blessed by him.
8. Our church family is as good to us as any family. I love our dear brothers n sisters, moms n dad, and grandparents in Christ. We feel so loved at our church and so blessed and such a part of the family of God. We wouldn't change a thing about the people who love us there.
9. Sprout will be 13 weeks tomorrow! Need I say more? I feel that I will be nervous until the next appointment...which is 15 days away.
10. Jesus is my all in all. He never gives me more than I can handle. I love you, Lord.
~Shannon
1. I hate sex. NOT really. But right now I do. There's too much anxiety for me surrounding it right now.
2. I can't seem to think about our anniversary without realizing that is when we conceived Samantha. It's not until July but still.
3. I adore my sister B. She sends me the sweetest texts at just the right time to say that she thinks I'm beautiful and that she loves me.
4. Yesterday was a good day but hard too. There was a baptism and I really, really, really struggled not to melt down. I couldn't melt down because I was on the stage as one of the worship leaders. But as I was looking at the little baby being baptized, I was wishing it was Samantha. It left me feeling a little wistful and then turned into anxiety for Sprout later that day.
5. My best friends are the best. I got to talk to B and E yesterday and it was such a blessed conversation. There are very few people in the world that I feel get me 100% and it's so great that my best friends do. I am blessed to have seven people (Chris, best friends, and my sister) who love me unconditionally, even when we don't always agree...we never disagree or fight. They understand I'm me...and accept me for that...and amazingly, love me for it. Thanks to my seven........
6. I love my mom. My mom and I had a fantastic number of conversations last week. I cried over some family stresses and frustrations and she was so empathic and encouraging. I can't wait to visit my family in a few weeks.
7. Christopher is incredible. I couldn't ask for more in a man. He is not perfect but he's so darn close. I have seen my husband grow tremendously in the past four months and I love him deeply. I know now how much God loves me because I am so blessed by him.
8. Our church family is as good to us as any family. I love our dear brothers n sisters, moms n dad, and grandparents in Christ. We feel so loved at our church and so blessed and such a part of the family of God. We wouldn't change a thing about the people who love us there.
9. Sprout will be 13 weeks tomorrow! Need I say more? I feel that I will be nervous until the next appointment...which is 15 days away.
10. Jesus is my all in all. He never gives me more than I can handle. I love you, Lord.
~Shannon
Thursday, April 7, 2011
God Knows Best
I am now 12.5 weeks pregnant. I measure my pregnant in full and half weeks. It makes it go quicker for me. I realize that my next measurement will be 13 weeks. How exciting is that?
I don't know if it's because I'm past the due date of Samantha but I am starting to be excited about baby Sprout. This one may make it home. Our doctor was fairly confident. Other sites have said that once you get past the point where you lost your child or something went wrong, it's a little easier to have peace over this child. So if you lost a child after birth, you may be unsettled until after birth and that time point has passed. This is a natural response to a loss and our ability to attempt to protect ourselves emotionally. It's okay that we feel that way. It is the consequence of living in a sinful world.
I am still a little apprehensive because I found out I had lost Samantha at the 13 week mark. Of course, she only measured in at 9 weeks so she'd probably been gone sooner but I am still a little apprehensive. However, I am not having any spotting, bleeding, or cramping. Something was wrong that first pregnancy...we'll never know what, but something was wrong. After I go to my next appointment at the 15 week mark, if we hear the heartbeat and get good news, then I think I might start to be able to breathe. It feels like these next 2.5 weeks will be really long but I am certain looking back on them that it won't feel that long. We are just trusting God and waiting on Him.
~Shannon
I don't know if it's because I'm past the due date of Samantha but I am starting to be excited about baby Sprout. This one may make it home. Our doctor was fairly confident. Other sites have said that once you get past the point where you lost your child or something went wrong, it's a little easier to have peace over this child. So if you lost a child after birth, you may be unsettled until after birth and that time point has passed. This is a natural response to a loss and our ability to attempt to protect ourselves emotionally. It's okay that we feel that way. It is the consequence of living in a sinful world.
I am still a little apprehensive because I found out I had lost Samantha at the 13 week mark. Of course, she only measured in at 9 weeks so she'd probably been gone sooner but I am still a little apprehensive. However, I am not having any spotting, bleeding, or cramping. Something was wrong that first pregnancy...we'll never know what, but something was wrong. After I go to my next appointment at the 15 week mark, if we hear the heartbeat and get good news, then I think I might start to be able to breathe. It feels like these next 2.5 weeks will be really long but I am certain looking back on them that it won't feel that long. We are just trusting God and waiting on Him.
~Shannon
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
12 weeks today
I am twelve weeks pregnant today. Crazy, right?
It is good.
I cried a lot on Sunday. A lot. But Samantha's due date has passed and so we will let that rest behind us and know that Samantha waits ahead, someday when we get to heaven.
The latest frustration is finding out the people who really care about you and accept you for you. Those people are the ones who wouldn't ask you to do something that would be emotionally unhealthy for you. I think that in society we don't put a lot of emphasis on taking care of ourselves emotionally. We talk about eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep...We don't talk about de-stressing, avoiding stressful situations, and keeping from burning out. I truly believe this is true. This means that people are not good at taking care of other people emotionally. If I tell you I am allergic to strawberries, would you tell me just to eat them anyways because they are good and if I only eat two or three it won't be a big deal? Probably not...so why, oh why, would you tell me to do something else that would be emotionally harmful and stressful to me and my baby, and could lead to being sick....? Not sure I get it.....
I am so learning, slowly but surely, who the people in my life are that I can trust.
My five best friends become more and more precious to me each day.....S, R, J, E, and B....They get me, they accept me for me...and would respect me if I told them something was going to be stressful. My sister too...I have had to tell her no before, or disagreed with her, but we don't fight and fight...We can have a healthy disagreement because she cares about me.
The stronger I get, as a person, the less some people will like me. I think I'm getting to be okay with that. I like me. I'm okay with me. I know who I am and what I can handle....I know how to say no...which is important when you have a child. I think it's okay that I'm strong.
Strength is about knowing who you are and what you stand for and not giving into anything less.......
I also don't make decisions without prayer and guidance...for wisdom. Don't doubt me on that. You may only see one piece of the puzzle but that's not my fault.
I am strong. I am.
I am a strong mom today who is taking care of a baby with a strong heartbeat and I have a strong husband who has a good sense of right and wrong and won't settle for anything less. He protects and defends his family and I feel blessed. For all our struggles, Chris and I are strong, and daily we get stronger.
Thank you, Lord, for strength and for providing for our family!
~Shannon
Thank you, Lord, for strength
It is good.
I cried a lot on Sunday. A lot. But Samantha's due date has passed and so we will let that rest behind us and know that Samantha waits ahead, someday when we get to heaven.
The latest frustration is finding out the people who really care about you and accept you for you. Those people are the ones who wouldn't ask you to do something that would be emotionally unhealthy for you. I think that in society we don't put a lot of emphasis on taking care of ourselves emotionally. We talk about eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep...We don't talk about de-stressing, avoiding stressful situations, and keeping from burning out. I truly believe this is true. This means that people are not good at taking care of other people emotionally. If I tell you I am allergic to strawberries, would you tell me just to eat them anyways because they are good and if I only eat two or three it won't be a big deal? Probably not...so why, oh why, would you tell me to do something else that would be emotionally harmful and stressful to me and my baby, and could lead to being sick....? Not sure I get it.....
I am so learning, slowly but surely, who the people in my life are that I can trust.
My five best friends become more and more precious to me each day.....S, R, J, E, and B....They get me, they accept me for me...and would respect me if I told them something was going to be stressful. My sister too...I have had to tell her no before, or disagreed with her, but we don't fight and fight...We can have a healthy disagreement because she cares about me.
The stronger I get, as a person, the less some people will like me. I think I'm getting to be okay with that. I like me. I'm okay with me. I know who I am and what I can handle....I know how to say no...which is important when you have a child. I think it's okay that I'm strong.
Strength is about knowing who you are and what you stand for and not giving into anything less.......
I also don't make decisions without prayer and guidance...for wisdom. Don't doubt me on that. You may only see one piece of the puzzle but that's not my fault.
I am strong. I am.
I am a strong mom today who is taking care of a baby with a strong heartbeat and I have a strong husband who has a good sense of right and wrong and won't settle for anything less. He protects and defends his family and I feel blessed. For all our struggles, Chris and I are strong, and daily we get stronger.
Thank you, Lord, for strength and for providing for our family!
~Shannon
Thank you, Lord, for strength
Friday, April 1, 2011
April 3rd....babies....missing you
April 3rd is just around the bend.
I wish I could sleep through the next two days.....
I miss Samantha...........................................
I want my baby. NOW.
I want Sprout too....In October.
I want Dominic and Noah.
I know realistically that isn't possible....
but reality has never..............
I feel like I'm sliding back into that darkness that I haven't felt since right after losing Samantha and the D&C and all that................
I hate this....
I HATE IT...I want to scream and cry...
it's not fair.
I wish I could sleep through the next two days.....
I miss Samantha...........................................
I want my baby. NOW.
I want Sprout too....In October.
I want Dominic and Noah.
I know realistically that isn't possible....
but reality has never..............
I feel like I'm sliding back into that darkness that I haven't felt since right after losing Samantha and the D&C and all that................
I hate this....
I HATE IT...I want to scream and cry...
it's not fair.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
pregnancy update
I am almost eleven and a half weeks pregnant.
I have heard the heartbeat on the Doppler in the office.
We've seen the baby on ultrasound.
We've been purchasing little things here and there, as well as pulling out 'hand me downs' from our other babies.
I've had tinges of spotting but nothing abnormal and all has been confirmed to be well.
I am almost done with the first trimester.
My due date is October 18th.
We haven't really accepted that this one might work out yet. In time, we will. I think we are still a little shell shocked.
That's a heads up.
~Shannon
I have heard the heartbeat on the Doppler in the office.
We've seen the baby on ultrasound.
We've been purchasing little things here and there, as well as pulling out 'hand me downs' from our other babies.
I've had tinges of spotting but nothing abnormal and all has been confirmed to be well.
I am almost done with the first trimester.
My due date is October 18th.
We haven't really accepted that this one might work out yet. In time, we will. I think we are still a little shell shocked.
That's a heads up.
~Shannon
Rejoicing in this pregnancy and grieving Samantha
I have been avoiding writing and actually avoiding talking with people. J wants me to reach out and connect with people but I don't know if I want to do that. I am struggling. I am rejoicing and filled with joy and delight in my heart at this our fourth pregnancy, which is going well, and yet....I am filled with pain...and a great disappointment. Why?
Samantha's due date would be this Sunday, April 3rd. It's breaking my heart. I feel that the whole month of April will be difficult. I am wondering would I have come late or early on my own? Would Samantha have been induced? Would my labor have been long? What would have her cry sounded like? And most of all, what would it have been to look into her precious eyes and hold her in our arms? To pray and rejoice over her...
It's not fair.
But then again...life's not fair. We are the ones who messed it up with sin. I get that. I also know that Samantha is with Jesus and Noah and Dominic. I get that. But it doesn't make it hurt less...
Plus I'm probably very much more (is that correct grammar? no!) emotional because I am pregnant....
And it looks like Sprout might turn out to be our rainbow baby. Just maybe this is the Lord's plan and timing for us to bring a child home.
But I don't understand it. I'm not angry at God. I'm really not.
I'm just so sad and confused....
and not sure how to reach out and who gets it.
~Shannon
Samantha's due date would be this Sunday, April 3rd. It's breaking my heart. I feel that the whole month of April will be difficult. I am wondering would I have come late or early on my own? Would Samantha have been induced? Would my labor have been long? What would have her cry sounded like? And most of all, what would it have been to look into her precious eyes and hold her in our arms? To pray and rejoice over her...
It's not fair.
But then again...life's not fair. We are the ones who messed it up with sin. I get that. I also know that Samantha is with Jesus and Noah and Dominic. I get that. But it doesn't make it hurt less...
Plus I'm probably very much more (is that correct grammar? no!) emotional because I am pregnant....
And it looks like Sprout might turn out to be our rainbow baby. Just maybe this is the Lord's plan and timing for us to bring a child home.
But I don't understand it. I'm not angry at God. I'm really not.
I'm just so sad and confused....
and not sure how to reach out and who gets it.
~Shannon
Blessings by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family
Protection while we sleep
We pray for healing
Prosperity
We pray for your mighty hand
To ease our suffering
All the while
You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much
To give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life
Are your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger
When we can not feel you near
We doubt your goodness
We doubt your love
As if every promise from your Word
is not enough
And all the while, you hear each desperate plea
If only we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life
Are your mercies in disguise?
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know
The pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if my greatest disappointments
or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst
this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are your mercies in disguise?
Thank you, Laura Story, for this beautiful song. For reminding us that this world will never satisfy.
We pray for peace
Comfort for family
Protection while we sleep
We pray for healing
Prosperity
We pray for your mighty hand
To ease our suffering
All the while
You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much
To give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life
Are your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger
When we can not feel you near
We doubt your goodness
We doubt your love
As if every promise from your Word
is not enough
And all the while, you hear each desperate plea
If only we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life
Are your mercies in disguise?
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know
The pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if my greatest disappointments
or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst
this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are your mercies in disguise?
Thank you, Laura Story, for this beautiful song. For reminding us that this world will never satisfy.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Frustrated
Frustrated.....
That's what it feels that I've been with a lot of things lately.
Not my husband.
Not my cats.
lol.....
But other people and my job!
I HAVE DONE THESE MEDICAL CALCULATIONS FOR THESE PEOPLE 10 TIMES AND HAVE EVEN SAT DOWN WITH MY FATHER IN LAW TO WORK THROUGH THEM AND CONFIRMED MY DOSES. I'M TIRED OF BEING UNDERMINED WHEN I'VE ALREADY DONE THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
That's it.
I wish I could find a new job........
BUT my benefits are good here and I can keep them even part time....even if I go part time, I CAN KEEP them...THAT PRETTY much never happens anywhere else.
Sigh....
Shannon
That's what it feels that I've been with a lot of things lately.
Not my husband.
Not my cats.
lol.....
But other people and my job!
I HAVE DONE THESE MEDICAL CALCULATIONS FOR THESE PEOPLE 10 TIMES AND HAVE EVEN SAT DOWN WITH MY FATHER IN LAW TO WORK THROUGH THEM AND CONFIRMED MY DOSES. I'M TIRED OF BEING UNDERMINED WHEN I'VE ALREADY DONE THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
That's it.
I wish I could find a new job........
BUT my benefits are good here and I can keep them even part time....even if I go part time, I CAN KEEP them...THAT PRETTY much never happens anywhere else.
Sigh....
Shannon
Friday, March 18, 2011
9.5 weeks along
I am 9.5 weeks along.
I feel pretty crummy most of the time. However, I am happy to say that things seem to be going okay.
Feeling crummy=feeling pregnant=good news
But it's still a little depressing.........
SIGH......
Shannon
I feel pretty crummy most of the time. However, I am happy to say that things seem to be going okay.
Feeling crummy=feeling pregnant=good news
But it's still a little depressing.........
SIGH......
Shannon
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Exhaustion
Lately I have been exhausted.
Part of it was when I went to this youth leaders conference across the state last Friday-Saturday. It was my productive but personally, I am still not sure that was a good idea.
I have been wiped out since then.
And when I get wiped out, my Charcot Marie Tooth disease flares up. Leg cramps, nerve pain, muscular weakness, general exhaustion. My body already has to work harder than most but it can be managed. When I don't get enough rest or take good care of myself, I REALLY feel it.
I am only working a half day today so I can go home and rest before I have an appointment with J.
Add my exhaustion and crazy schedule + pregnancy and you get some mega not feeling wellness..........
What are you going to do? Life still calls.
I just feel that I haven't had the energy to do anything but work (which I hardly have the energy for but HAVE to do because a paycheck is necessary!).......and that gets depressing.
~Shannon
Part of it was when I went to this youth leaders conference across the state last Friday-Saturday. It was my productive but personally, I am still not sure that was a good idea.
I have been wiped out since then.
And when I get wiped out, my Charcot Marie Tooth disease flares up. Leg cramps, nerve pain, muscular weakness, general exhaustion. My body already has to work harder than most but it can be managed. When I don't get enough rest or take good care of myself, I REALLY feel it.
I am only working a half day today so I can go home and rest before I have an appointment with J.
Add my exhaustion and crazy schedule + pregnancy and you get some mega not feeling wellness..........
What are you going to do? Life still calls.
I just feel that I haven't had the energy to do anything but work (which I hardly have the energy for but HAVE to do because a paycheck is necessary!).......and that gets depressing.
~Shannon
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
People that get under my skin
There are always going to be people who irritate me...........
Right now there is one person really doing that.....
GRRRRR.....
More lately.
Shannon
Right now there is one person really doing that.....
GRRRRR.....
More lately.
Shannon
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I have seen God's healing hand
Last night, I attended our church's worship band practice for the first time since before I lost our first baby. It has been almost seven months since I have participated in leading worship by singing in the band. When I lost Samantha, I knew I wouldn't be able to lead worship again for quite awhile. At one point, I even confessed to Chris that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to sing again. It's not because my faith wasn't there. It was. I just felt wounded, weak, and vulnerable. Tears were close to my eyes at all times, especially during worship. Worship also became a very poignant time for me. Other than communion, I have never felt so connected to our babies and our Heavenly Father at the same time, as I do when I am worshipping. Worship takes me right before Jesus spiritually which is where our babies are physically. I can envision them worshipping, dancing with Jesus, and just adoring all that He is. I didn't know that I would ever be able to be part of the worship team again. I didn't know that God could bring the kind of healing that He brings. I didn't realize how powerful He was. I didn't know how capable He was. Then last night I was reminded of al of these things.
As I went to practice, I won't lie, I was a tiny bit nervous. It was a bit difficult for me because the last time I had practiced, I had been pregnant with Samantha. That made me sad, of course, because in a perfect world, where nothing was fallen, we would be due to give her birth around April 3rd. But now she's with Jesus. So it was a little hard for me to go but once I got there, I felt so at home. I realized how much I love to sing and leading worship and how much I love my fellow worship team members. They are truly some of my favorite people in the world.
As we went through singing, in the back of my mind, I thought how much my faith had grown. Yes, I believed all the words when I sang them months ago but I believe them even more now than I did then. Today, I know, from personal experience, that our God is a loving God. I know He keeps His promises. I know that He never gives us more than we can bear. I know He provides in ways that are unmeasurable. And most of all, I know that nothing can ever separate us from Him. I also know how good He is. Even when the world doubts and wonders how we can trust, in my heart, I know that He is good, He is only loving, and He is truly an awesome God.
As I drove home after practice, I recalled that conversation I had with Chris about possibly not singing again. All of a sudden, I was hit with the realization that God has been so good to me over the past few months. I have been through ups and downs in life but I can truly say that the past year has been the hardest year of my life. I have experienced a lot of pain and really struggled. But I am coming out on the other side. I'm not there yet. I'm not certain I'll ever be there. But what I do know is that no matter where I am in life, no matter what my circumstances are, nothing can come between me and God. He is a strong and mighty God and powerful enough to do anything He wants. His plans are unfathomable and incredible. His ways are best. The most incredible thing I've learned is how He cares so deeply. Even though I am just one person, just a little me in my mind, He cares about and loves me. He cares enough to bring me healing and to give me the strength to sing and praise Him again. Even the littlest things, He cares about. I can see how His healing hand reaches out daily and touches my life and I am so in awe of Him.
I know things I didn't know months ago...and I'm so glad that I do. Our God is an awesome God. I am grateful to have walked through the storm because now I know that my faith has been tested and developed and that in my heart and my mind, nothing can ever make me doubt our God. I now don't just believe...I know the truth about God and His Word. Nothing else compares.
Thank you, Lord, for all that you are, and have been, and will be. I love you.
~Shannon
As I went to practice, I won't lie, I was a tiny bit nervous. It was a bit difficult for me because the last time I had practiced, I had been pregnant with Samantha. That made me sad, of course, because in a perfect world, where nothing was fallen, we would be due to give her birth around April 3rd. But now she's with Jesus. So it was a little hard for me to go but once I got there, I felt so at home. I realized how much I love to sing and leading worship and how much I love my fellow worship team members. They are truly some of my favorite people in the world.
As we went through singing, in the back of my mind, I thought how much my faith had grown. Yes, I believed all the words when I sang them months ago but I believe them even more now than I did then. Today, I know, from personal experience, that our God is a loving God. I know He keeps His promises. I know that He never gives us more than we can bear. I know He provides in ways that are unmeasurable. And most of all, I know that nothing can ever separate us from Him. I also know how good He is. Even when the world doubts and wonders how we can trust, in my heart, I know that He is good, He is only loving, and He is truly an awesome God.
As I drove home after practice, I recalled that conversation I had with Chris about possibly not singing again. All of a sudden, I was hit with the realization that God has been so good to me over the past few months. I have been through ups and downs in life but I can truly say that the past year has been the hardest year of my life. I have experienced a lot of pain and really struggled. But I am coming out on the other side. I'm not there yet. I'm not certain I'll ever be there. But what I do know is that no matter where I am in life, no matter what my circumstances are, nothing can come between me and God. He is a strong and mighty God and powerful enough to do anything He wants. His plans are unfathomable and incredible. His ways are best. The most incredible thing I've learned is how He cares so deeply. Even though I am just one person, just a little me in my mind, He cares about and loves me. He cares enough to bring me healing and to give me the strength to sing and praise Him again. Even the littlest things, He cares about. I can see how His healing hand reaches out daily and touches my life and I am so in awe of Him.
I know things I didn't know months ago...and I'm so glad that I do. Our God is an awesome God. I am grateful to have walked through the storm because now I know that my faith has been tested and developed and that in my heart and my mind, nothing can ever make me doubt our God. I now don't just believe...I know the truth about God and His Word. Nothing else compares.
Thank you, Lord, for all that you are, and have been, and will be. I love you.
~Shannon
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
A thread of hope is being woven
So here's the situation.
Yesterday was fairly terrifying. I started spotting, a pink discharge, that, of course, sent me into a panic. Ah! so I called the OBGYN office I am a patient at....and they sent me for the bloodwork. The reasoning being that if my hcg evels were high enough, they could then send me for an ultrasound.
My levels were plenty high and I went for the ultrasound this morning. I was so blessed that Chris was able to go with me. HAPPY NEWS! Sprout looks great....found heartbeat and everything looks normal and healthy! So now we have baby pictures.
Yesterday, I was fairly distraught. Now, today, I am feeling that a thread of hope woven in me once again...that maybe this baby will come home with us.
Shannon
Yesterday was fairly terrifying. I started spotting, a pink discharge, that, of course, sent me into a panic. Ah! so I called the OBGYN office I am a patient at....and they sent me for the bloodwork. The reasoning being that if my hcg evels were high enough, they could then send me for an ultrasound.
My levels were plenty high and I went for the ultrasound this morning. I was so blessed that Chris was able to go with me. HAPPY NEWS! Sprout looks great....found heartbeat and everything looks normal and healthy! So now we have baby pictures.
Yesterday, I was fairly distraught. Now, today, I am feeling that a thread of hope woven in me once again...that maybe this baby will come home with us.
Shannon
Friday, March 4, 2011
A lot of rambling thoughts
So I realize it's been awhile since I've written but..here goes...
I have a lot of rambling thoughts.....Bear with me while I just simply find a way to express them.
Thought 1:
I am testy lately. I'm sure it's because I am pregnant but there's no way to know for sure. But...I HATE WHEN PEOPLE GIVE ME ADVICE OR TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN I'M NOT ASKING FOR IT.
I think the reason I hate that so much is because I'm the kind of person who will ask for advice. I will call and say is this normal? OR HOW DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD PROCEED?
SO IF I don't ask for your opinion, don't give it to me!!
OKAY?? GRRRR........Chris and I both had issues with a certain person lately whom we feel like has tried to be too controlling. We will be distancing ourselves a little, in order to preserve our identity and not be influenced in our decisions......SIGH !!!
Thought 2:
Another thing that is frustrating to me is the sexual situation within my extended family. I felt as FIRST that everyone was supportive and NOW I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE JUST WANTS to pretend it DIDN'T HAPPEN and we just HAVE TO ON like nothing EVER happened. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!!! Nothing!
I'm the one who got screwed over...I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! The other thing that frustrates me is that by telling someone sooner, I DOUBT IT would have made a difference. Seeing the reaction now has been frustrating for me...because it's just easier to not think about it because it makes us uncomfortable...doesn't it? SIGH!
Also, I STILL DON'T know what to do about future family gatherings. I DO feel better that I shared what happened...now knowng that our future children are safe BUT...the route that was taken to deal with it was one that did not treat me as an adult and gave me no control over the situation!!!
ANYHOW, that's still a sensitive topic. NEXT appointment with J, we'll discuss that.
Thought 3:
Also, I am FRUSTRATED that I feel like there are certain people in our lives who are aware of certain sitautions with other people and ARE IN DENIAL!!! That drives me insane. What drives me crazier is the fact that you might put someone else at risk...by being in denial. The issue isn't not knowing. No the ISSUE IS WANTING TO LIVE IN AN UNREALISTIC world where eveything GOES THE WAY you plan it!
GRRR....I REALIZE I HAVE no CONTROL over this situation but STILL..it gets under my skin....
Thought 4:
I am almost eight weeks pregnant! This is exciting, right? ALSO TERRIFYING! AND ALSO HEARTWRENCHING. I MISS THE OTHER BABIES. SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T GRASP THAT. I CAN'T BE AROUND THOSE PEOPLE MUCH.
Also, THIS IS OUR BABY. Ultimately, we believe THIS CHILD BELONGS TO GOD BUT God is loaning this baby TO US. NOT TO YOU! So DON'T TELL ME OR TELL US WHAT YOU think we should do about THIS OR THAT unless we ask. I DON'T TELL YOU WHAT I THINK ABOUT YOUR PARENTING EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES I think it's terrible and so I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF. This ties back in with thought NUMBER 1.
Thought 5:
I HATE being yelled at. I CAN'T HANDLE BEING YELLED AT. And again, I'm sure part of this is that I'm pregnant and HYPERSENSITIVE. i WILLLLLL ADMIT THAT! but don't yell at me.......at all. It's rude and uncalled for. AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO TALK TO ME NICELY.
Thought 6:
Do YOU EVER NOT FEEL SORRY FOR SOMEONE whom you don't feel will help themself out? LIKE YOU TALK TO THEM...you give them resources...you offer help...they ask for your help, you give it and then they are like I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE. it is too hard!
WHAT??? THAT'S CRAP!
I know I PROBABLY SOUND TERRIBLY INSENSITIVE...I just get frustrated by people who keep making bad decisions and it's only a matter of time before they get the consequences....RIDICULOUS...because it's not like they have an excuse if they were offered help.
Thought 7:
I love this baby. I REALIZE that I would and will do anything for this child. I am starting to think like a mom. I am trying to think about what's best for our little Sprout.
Thought 8:
Getting on the scale IS NOT AN option! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!
The OBGYN PEEPS gave me a bit of a hard time again but.......they still agreed to treat me! They just are like 'it's important' and I'M LIKE I'M SURE IT IS! BUT you're going to have to adapt FOR A ONE PERSON SITUATION. i AM not asking yoU TO CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE protocol and way of doing things! JEEPERSSSS!
J says that there have been pregnancies that have happened w/o PEOPLE GETTING ON THE SCALE. HAHAHAAHA...and healthy babies are born!
I KNOW THAT I WILL BE A BETTER MOM AND TAKE BETTER CARE OF THIS BABY IF I DON'T get on the scale!
Thought 9:
So reaaaddddy for SPRING! It has been sunny here which is great but still has been chilly..I CAN'T WAIT!! My SAD is flaring up because even though it's sunny, I feel that it's too cold to be outside much!
After this first trimester too, I'M GOING TO WANT TO TAKE WALKS AND JUST ENJOY CREATION!!!
Thought 10:
WHY OH WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN? I KNOW WHY...so why do I ask why? A family member has been diagnosed with a cancer that is very rare...IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. She's a great Christian girl and I DON'T GET IT! SEEEEEMMMMSSSSS LIKE THERE'S SO MUCH PURPOSE for her life and IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE...
BUT we'll conclude on
Thought 11:
God is good.
He is love.
He knows best.
He keeps His promises.
He is faithful.
He is trustworthy.
He is better than we are.
His ways are not our ways.
And
God is good.
~Shannon
I have a lot of rambling thoughts.....Bear with me while I just simply find a way to express them.
Thought 1:
I am testy lately. I'm sure it's because I am pregnant but there's no way to know for sure. But...I HATE WHEN PEOPLE GIVE ME ADVICE OR TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN I'M NOT ASKING FOR IT.
I think the reason I hate that so much is because I'm the kind of person who will ask for advice. I will call and say is this normal? OR HOW DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD PROCEED?
SO IF I don't ask for your opinion, don't give it to me!!
OKAY?? GRRRR........Chris and I both had issues with a certain person lately whom we feel like has tried to be too controlling. We will be distancing ourselves a little, in order to preserve our identity and not be influenced in our decisions......SIGH !!!
Thought 2:
Another thing that is frustrating to me is the sexual situation within my extended family. I felt as FIRST that everyone was supportive and NOW I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE JUST WANTS to pretend it DIDN'T HAPPEN and we just HAVE TO ON like nothing EVER happened. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!!! Nothing!
I'm the one who got screwed over...I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! The other thing that frustrates me is that by telling someone sooner, I DOUBT IT would have made a difference. Seeing the reaction now has been frustrating for me...because it's just easier to not think about it because it makes us uncomfortable...doesn't it? SIGH!
Also, I STILL DON'T know what to do about future family gatherings. I DO feel better that I shared what happened...now knowng that our future children are safe BUT...the route that was taken to deal with it was one that did not treat me as an adult and gave me no control over the situation!!!
ANYHOW, that's still a sensitive topic. NEXT appointment with J, we'll discuss that.
Thought 3:
Also, I am FRUSTRATED that I feel like there are certain people in our lives who are aware of certain sitautions with other people and ARE IN DENIAL!!! That drives me insane. What drives me crazier is the fact that you might put someone else at risk...by being in denial. The issue isn't not knowing. No the ISSUE IS WANTING TO LIVE IN AN UNREALISTIC world where eveything GOES THE WAY you plan it!
GRRR....I REALIZE I HAVE no CONTROL over this situation but STILL..it gets under my skin....
Thought 4:
I am almost eight weeks pregnant! This is exciting, right? ALSO TERRIFYING! AND ALSO HEARTWRENCHING. I MISS THE OTHER BABIES. SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T GRASP THAT. I CAN'T BE AROUND THOSE PEOPLE MUCH.
Also, THIS IS OUR BABY. Ultimately, we believe THIS CHILD BELONGS TO GOD BUT God is loaning this baby TO US. NOT TO YOU! So DON'T TELL ME OR TELL US WHAT YOU think we should do about THIS OR THAT unless we ask. I DON'T TELL YOU WHAT I THINK ABOUT YOUR PARENTING EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES I think it's terrible and so I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF. This ties back in with thought NUMBER 1.
Thought 5:
I HATE being yelled at. I CAN'T HANDLE BEING YELLED AT. And again, I'm sure part of this is that I'm pregnant and HYPERSENSITIVE. i WILLLLLL ADMIT THAT! but don't yell at me.......at all. It's rude and uncalled for. AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO TALK TO ME NICELY.
Thought 6:
Do YOU EVER NOT FEEL SORRY FOR SOMEONE whom you don't feel will help themself out? LIKE YOU TALK TO THEM...you give them resources...you offer help...they ask for your help, you give it and then they are like I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE. it is too hard!
WHAT??? THAT'S CRAP!
I know I PROBABLY SOUND TERRIBLY INSENSITIVE...I just get frustrated by people who keep making bad decisions and it's only a matter of time before they get the consequences....RIDICULOUS...because it's not like they have an excuse if they were offered help.
Thought 7:
I love this baby. I REALIZE that I would and will do anything for this child. I am starting to think like a mom. I am trying to think about what's best for our little Sprout.
Thought 8:
Getting on the scale IS NOT AN option! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!
The OBGYN PEEPS gave me a bit of a hard time again but.......they still agreed to treat me! They just are like 'it's important' and I'M LIKE I'M SURE IT IS! BUT you're going to have to adapt FOR A ONE PERSON SITUATION. i AM not asking yoU TO CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE protocol and way of doing things! JEEPERSSSS!
J says that there have been pregnancies that have happened w/o PEOPLE GETTING ON THE SCALE. HAHAHAAHA...and healthy babies are born!
I KNOW THAT I WILL BE A BETTER MOM AND TAKE BETTER CARE OF THIS BABY IF I DON'T get on the scale!
Thought 9:
So reaaaddddy for SPRING! It has been sunny here which is great but still has been chilly..I CAN'T WAIT!! My SAD is flaring up because even though it's sunny, I feel that it's too cold to be outside much!
After this first trimester too, I'M GOING TO WANT TO TAKE WALKS AND JUST ENJOY CREATION!!!
Thought 10:
WHY OH WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN? I KNOW WHY...so why do I ask why? A family member has been diagnosed with a cancer that is very rare...IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. She's a great Christian girl and I DON'T GET IT! SEEEEEMMMMSSSSS LIKE THERE'S SO MUCH PURPOSE for her life and IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE...
BUT we'll conclude on
Thought 11:
God is good.
He is love.
He knows best.
He keeps His promises.
He is faithful.
He is trustworthy.
He is better than we are.
His ways are not our ways.
And
God is good.
~Shannon
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Scared to write
I guess you could say that I've almost been scared to write....
I am still pregnant.
I have had no bleeding.
Nothing indicates complications.
And yet, I am so scared that I am going to miscarry.
I'm almost afraid to talk about it.
Like it might make it real.
But I need to.
Talk about it.
~Shannon
I am still pregnant.
I have had no bleeding.
Nothing indicates complications.
And yet, I am so scared that I am going to miscarry.
I'm almost afraid to talk about it.
Like it might make it real.
But I need to.
Talk about it.
~Shannon
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