When I Get Where I'm Going (Brad Paisley)

Brad Paisley
When I Get Where I'm Going

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

I have never known

I have never known this kind of pain.

I saw those words on a miscarriage tribute video today. I thought they were so right. I have never known this kind of pain before. I had no idea I would love my baby like that. I knew I'd love them but not how.....

~Shannon

I miss talking to you, Samantha

Dear Samantha,

I'm writing you a letter because I miss you so much. And one of the things that I miss the most is talking to you. We used to tease you (not that you probably understood) and I would say "I love you, Peep!" And things like "Isabelle can't wait to meet you, Peep." And I used to make this squeaky voice to say "Daddy, I love you too!" I'd pretend to be you. But now there's none of that. Because, Samantha Peep, sweetheart, now you live with Jesus and are carried in our hearts instead of growing in my body.

I miss all the talks we might have had. I had so many dreams and so many hopes for your life, sweet girl. I told your Daddy while I was pregnant with you that I intended to be the best mom in the world! I wanted to read the books that you wanted to read (even when you were only seven years old!) and then go on book club dates and talk about them. I wanted to make jewelry with you. Teach you to sing and make music together. I wanted to dance with you. See you off to your first formal dance in high school. I wanted you to get married and have your own babies. Then you'd finally know how much I loved you. I would have done anything for you, Samantha. You had me wrapped around your little finger from the moment I saw your heartbeat.

I miss you so much, baby girl. I miss the baby days. I was so looking forward to bonding with you over breastfeeding, rejoicing over your first steps, sharing you with family and friends, and now there's just a lot of emptiness. What was so joyful feels so empty. Your bedroom sits untouched with a pile of baby clothes that you will never wear. My arms and my heart ache to hold you. To feel you fluttering in me--an experience I never had. I miss you so much, Samantha Peep.

Love,
Mommy

Bittersweet Joy

Yes, I'm using the title of my blog as the title of my post too. All I could think about was bittersweet joy because some things have been happening that are joyful but they feel so bittersweet. It's just not complete without Samantha here. I wish, I wish, I wish with all my heart that God could give us our sweet little Peep back. But He has given and He has taken and blessed be His name.

~Shannon

Made For Perfection by Shannon Schroeder

Made For Perfection (by Shannon Schroeder)

We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face

Day by day,
I see the tears of people crying
Every single day,
I hear about another person dying
And I think how much it hurts
How cruel life can be
And then I remember how you made us
Then I finally see

We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face

There's a man who's walking by me
He's hungry and alone
A mother with just her babies
No place to call their home
A teenage girl with no friends
Who wants to end her life
A little boy who's hurting
Because he just lost another fight

We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face

One day, things will be restored
One day, this will pass, it will be no more
One day, things will be perfect once again
So we wait, we pray until then

We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face

Trying Not To Be Angry With God

After I wrote my last post, I tried not to get angry with God. It is so hard not to sometimes. It's not that I hate Him. It's just me in my human and sinful nature rebelling against Him because I don't understand. I really don't want to be angry with God. I am just so sad and I don't understand which makes it natural to question why and then leads to anger when (to my eyes) there seems to be no just answer.

Part of it has to do with a sexual struggle that Chris and I have had since we were married. I have vaginismus (painful intercourse) and at first penetration was difficult. I'm not ready to talk about all of that right now.

Also, I have had plenty of others ups and downs. I have Charcot Marie Tooth Disease (an inherited peripheral neuropathy) and most of my teenage years were consumed with tests, doctor's appointments, and procedures trying to diagnose that. For awhile, they thought it was something more serious. Thank God, it wasn't but....

I've also had an aneurysmal bone cyst removed twice. It wasn't cancerous but it impacted my life quite a bit.

I've struggled emotionally and in my family with different issues.

Sometimes I want to ask ISN'T THAT ENOUGH!? WHY? HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH?

And I want to be excused from this pain because "I'm a good person." I have never been drunk. I didn't have sex until I was married. I didn't do this or that or this or that. But I know that I have sinned, we all have, and that I live in a sinful world where bad things do happen to people and I just have such a difficult time with that concept. I guess we all do. Because we were made for perfection.

And so.....I am trying not to ask why...As my good friend N said "You can't ask why because after all, why not?" She's so right and when I remember that, I am convicted. I can't justify and judge God's actions--nor unjustify. He is the only one right and good!

But does it mean that my sinful self doesn't creep to the surface at times? Absolutely not.

Sigh....

Shannon

Yes, I'd Like To Talk About Samantha

Right now, I am feeling a lot of sadness. I hopped on my Facebook to see what was happening. There are three people on there that are currently pregnant. There was dialogue and excitement about having a baby and a family member who felt her baby's first kick. I'm so happy for them. I really am. I say that with no malice or sarcasm. I really am glad for the blessing God has given them.

But...I'm sad for me. I think I can be allowed to be sad for me. It feels like it might be getting harder again. My sadness. I don't know what to do with it. I haven't been crying as much. The tears just aren't there. But inside, it's welling up still.

I miss being pregnant. I miss the anticipation of what was to come. I miss Samantha. I miss the daily excitement. I miss it all. I want it back so badly. I just feel like my life suddenly feels so empty. I am a mom and I want my baby back. But I can't have her. I wish I could go join her and Jesus but I know that this is life and it's precious too and so I have to stay here as long as God intends.

I want to be pregnant again so badly. And then at the same time I fear it. Does that make sense? To me, it does. I wonder if anyone else gets it.

Sometimes I worry about people forgetting Samantha. I loved my best friend J who put as her Facebook status that she missed her grandparents and her baby niece Samantha. I loved that more than I can even begin to express. Because it acknowledged her life. Some people in our life haven't called her by name. My best friends have been so good about that and that is so healing! When I say "I'm having a hard time" and they say "I miss Samantha too" it absolutely makes my day. They love me and my baby. It's so special. I am so blessed by these people.

Please, please....this is my request to anyone reading this. Don't be afraid to say a baby's name if they are gone. Ask the parents if they'd like to talk about her. Then acknowledge her/him by name. In my case, say something "would you like to talk about Samantha?" Chances are that yes, I'd like to incorporate her into my daily talk because she's part of my LIFE! I'm thinking about her anyhow. To pretend she doesn't exist is so barbaric and so 1920s!!! Same concept as children should be seen and not heard. CRAZY stuff.

Anyhow, I know I went off on a bit of a rant there but I promises myself this would a safe place to express my feelings. So there....you got it: expression!

Blessings to all of you.

Shannon

Fly by Celine Dion

Fly by Celine Dion

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

How Will I Feel?

How will I feel when/if I get pregnant again? For now, it's pure speculation. However, I think that I may feel sad. I know that's crazy but...I think I'll have anxiety and sadness along with joy. I sense that I will try to limit my excitement. Which makes me sad. Because I ended up experiencing pure joy (once I got past the fear) with Samantha only to lose her. But....I do sometimes wonder how I'll feel and if/when that little positive line shows up....what will cross my mind?

Shannon

Last Night

Last night I had an appointment with my therapist J. Things went well. She said that I am starting to be more "me" again which is good, I suppose. I have to try not to feel guilty when I am feeling better....it's not a bad thing! I don't have to dwell on Samantha. She's in God's hands.

I also took my sleeping med at 7 PM. That was fantastic. That way it wore off by 7 AM. It seems to have a 12 hour turnaround for me. I am so glad that worked and I got a great night of sleep.

Chris sent me a sweet text today that made my day. I love him so much.

Life's okay today.

But I still miss you, Samantha. I always will. But someday will come.

Shannon

fears

I fear that Samantha is the only child I will ever have.

There, I said it...that's one of my biggest fears.

I fear I will miscarry again or lose a baby shortly after birth.

It feels good to get it out of my head.

Shannon

Anxiety To The Max

I didn't take any sleep meds last night. Well, that's not true. I did take one Benadryl. It was an adventure for me because that only lasted until 1:30 AM so from then on until 6:30 AM when I finally got out of bed, I was a tensed up anxious ball. I was really keyed up. I feel like I'm about to go over the edge.......I was worried about things with my job (the things that I've messed up on lately) and about some other personal things. Chris gave me permission to quit my job which said a lot. He told me I was more important than my job and if it was that stressful for me that it wasn't healthy and maybe I shouldn't keep doing. The problem is that I don't really want to quit. Financially, we'd be tight, but could live on his salary but I don't want to do that if we don't have to. I just want to be pregnant and be a mom...and have a job I love. My first job was okay and this one is good...BUT not great. I have no passion for it. I think it is time for me to branch out. But then I don't know...because if I am or if I get pregnant, I will wish I stayed here because my boss will be so flexible. Plus I'd feel guilty getting pregnant after taking a new job and might not get maternity coverage. Hmmmm...things to think about.

Shannon

Friday night was terrible!

Friday night we were at a big meeting for church. It was hard for me to focus but I did my best. However, I was very stressed and frustrated when we got out. Already feeling crummy about myself, Chris said something that wasn't meant to upset me but did! I was a hysterical mess for about half an hour. It was pretty bad. I called J (my therapist) and when she returned my call, I was finally able to calm down. I was flailing, sobbing, hyperventilating, and trying to hurt myself and Chris was trying to contain me. I was struggling with self-hatred for "not being able to get over this." J reminded me that I lost a baby! That is not an easy thing to deal with. I felt like I should maybe be a little easier on myself....Saturday went a little better. I did what I could do and also did what I needed to do and that was good enough.

Shannon

Never....the hurt won't go away!

I keep wondering when the hurt will go away. But the hardest thing is that in the back of my mind I know it will never go away. It's been a month....and the immediate shock and hurt has lessened but a Samantha sized hole is left in my heart and I know it won't get better. At least not until Jesus comes back.

Come quickly, Lord....come quickly. And take us all with you to perfection and glory.

Shannon

Feeling like a flop

Ever since the miscarriage, I've felt like a flop. I'm trying so hard to keep it all straight and together and I just can't focus. I'm so frustrated with myself. This job has gone super well for me in the past year and a half. My boss thinks I've done a fantastic job so far and he's given the best evaluations possible. I feel like I've done decently. But in this last month, I don't know...I just feel so disconnected. And now I forgot to email something off that HAD to be in by Friday at 5 PM. I'm so irritated with myself. I wish I could die but I know that is not an option. Just frustrated. I am functioning better and better but still not back to normal. I always have to remind myself that the worst thing that could happen is I could get fired (which is highly unlikely over this one mistake) but no one and nothing can take me away from Jesus.

I just.....grr........

Shannon

Without A Doubt (by Shannon Schroeder)

Without A Doubt (by Shannon Schroeder)

You told us
There's a time for everything
A time to cry
A time to praise, a time to sing
You told us
That we'd have crosses to bear
That life would be hard
But that you'd be there

In the midst of pain,
You're holding me
In the midst of the storm,
You're giving me your peace
In the middle of it all
You are there
I know without a doubt
You care

You told us
Someday you'd back again
Come descending from high
Take us back to heaven
You told us
Every tear will be wiped away
None will have sorrow anymore
It'll be a brand new day

In the midst of pain,
You're holding me
In the midst of the storm,
You give me peace
In the middle of it all
You are there
I know without a doubt
You care

The First Day I Didn't Cry

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry. It had been 4 weeks and 2 days since I had found out about the loss of sweet Samantha. Every day since then, I'd cried. I know more tears will come. But I think this means that God is granting me some healing. I also am learning that I will never be the same person. I guess that's okay.

Today is check up from the D&C. This will be the first time I'll have been in the OBGYN office since the day I went in and they couldn't find the heartbeat so they sent me for an ultrasound. I'm kind of apprehensive. I'm also concerned because I still don't have a period. I want that to mean that I am pregnant but I can't let my hopes get up because I think something else could be going on. Also, while I'm excited to be and WANT to be pregnant so badly, I also fear another miscarriage. That's what could happen. But then I remind myself that it could result in full pregnancy, to term, and bringing a baby hope. You can see how this experience has jaded me though and taken away my innocence and delight in pregnancy. Someone else once said that once a women miscarries she loses an innocence. I agree with that person.

Tonight we are going to our church for a big planning meeting. We will stay with Chris's parents overnight and then we will go back to church for the rest of the meeting tomorrow. It will also be our first night back to youth group on Saturday night so we will see how it goes. I'm apprehensive as this will be the busiest weekend I've had in awhile. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion in a fast paced world....

~Shannon

A Letter to Samantha

Samantha,

Hi, honey....Mommy knows that you are in heaven and that you now live with Jesus. What I'd want to tell you if I could that your Mommy and Daddy and all of your extended family miss you so much. Isabelle and Annabelle will never get to know you and for that I'm sad. When I cry, they lay with me. They also like to lay amidst your things on our living room coffee table. I would also want to tell you that you are a beautiful child of God. I'm also so glad that you have escaped some of the hardships of this life. But I would also tell you that I miss you so much, that at some times, my heart hurts so badly I think that I will die. And that is simply because I love you. Baby, you're mine...and someday we will be together. I would also tell you that I wouldn't trade our short time together for anything in the world. I'd do it all again, even knowing the pain...Because love is always greater.

I love you so much. Squeeze Jesus for me. He's my best friend too. For me, it feels like forever until I'll see you but from heaven's side, it will be in the blink of an eye. We'll be together soon. Love you, baby girl.

Love,
Mommy

I wonder...(By Shannon Schroeder)

I wonder... (By Shannon Schroeder)

I wonder what might have been
Had you lived not died
I wonder what would be different
Had you had been given some more time
I wonder what might have been
Had you had gotten a chance
I wonder what would be different
If you'd been here more than just a glance

What might have been
Could have made you a shining star
But reality set in
Wishing you weren't far
What might have been
What differences you'd make
But we trust the Lord
He gives and He takes
What might have been
Doesn't really matter now
You're in Jesus' arms
That's all that matters somehow

I wonder what is now
Living with our Lord
I wonder what is different
With life now restored
I wonder what is now
To have sure peace within
I wonder what is different
From the sinful world I'm in

What might have been
Could have made you a shining star
But reality set in
Sent you off so far
What might have been
What differences you'd make
But we trust the Lord
He gives and He takes
What might have been
Doesn't really matter now
You're in Jesus' arms
That's all that matters somehow

I wonder what someday will be
When you and I are face to face
I wonder what will be different
When I stand in the midst of grace
I wonder what someday will be
When tears no longer flow
I wonder what will be different
When only love and joy are what I know

What might have been
Could have made you a shining star
But reality set in
Sent you off so far
What might have been
What differences you'd make
But we trust the Lord
He gives and He takes
What might have been
Doesn't really matter now
You're in Jesus' arms
That's all that matters somehow

The Reason I Love You (by Shannon Schroeder)

The Reason I Love You (by Shannon Schroeder)

God knitted you in my body
Which led to knitting in my heart
And forever those stitches will hold
Even though we are apart

Oh, sweet baby, you were the apple of my eye
From the very start
So always and forever,
You'll be in my heart

The reason I love you
Is simply because you are mine
That can never change
Through any season or time
Baby, the reason I love you is
Because God gave you to me
And finally someday
Together we'll be

When I looked at your small frame
Saw your heartbeat
I could see the beginnings
Of hands and of feet
When I realized
You were inside
It changed all that I was
I couldn't go back if I tried

Oh, sweet baby, you were the apple of my eye
From the very start
So always and forever,
You'll be in my heart

The reason I love you
Is simply because you are mine
That can never change
Through any season or time
Baby, the reason I love you is
Because God gave you to me
And finally someday
Together we'll be

Someday there'll be a reunion so sweet
Where you and I will finally meet
Someday there'll be a reunion so sweet
Where you and I will finally meet

But until then....

The reason I love you
Is simply because you are mine
That can never change
Through any season or time
Baby, the reason I love you is
Because God gave you to me
And finally someday
Together we'll be