I've heard it said that when a parent loses a child they grieve not only what that child was but also all the possibilities. I grieve the future we would have had. In my mind, I was going to pass away first so Samantha was forever going to be in our life. Sadly, life doesn't always work out how we expect. Here's my list of what I'll miss:
1) Her birth---I was so looking forward to delivering her and holding her and looking her in the eyes and us telling her we loved her so much and we were her mommy and daddy and promising to always take care of her.
2) Her first smile
3) Her first tooth
4) Her first laugh
5) First steps
6) First words
7) Her baptism
8) Kisses and hugs
9) I love you, Mommy
10) Christmas gifts she made herself
This is too hard....I'll write more later.
~Shannon
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Don't think for a minute
Don't think for a minute that even if I seem happy or focused on something that Samantha isn't in the back of my mind. She's always on my mind, simply a split second away from focusing on her. Don't pretend she didn't exist. She was real. I saw my baby's heartbeat. My body changed. I saw her squirm on the ultrasound. I saw how she had grown the day we found out she was gone. Samantha's so real...she just waits ahead. I remember her and I think about her always. She's the last thought before I go to bed and the first one on my mind when I wake up. And every morning, it hurts again. It's been six and a half weeks and I wonder when I'll start to feel better. If I ever won't hurt thinking about it. I just don't know.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Happy then sad then happy again
Sometimes I am so happy. I feel at least semi-normal and then I feel tears starting up. They say time makes everything easier but for me, it's also harder. Every day and the future ahead makes me realize how much of life Samantha is missing. I miss her so badly. I feel like it will be even harder after April 3, 2010. I better be pregnant by then (I feel like a small child begging God) or I am going to be so depressed. But even with other children, I will always see the gap where Samantha should have been. My sweet Peep....my little girl. I miss her. I wish I could feel her moving and growing inside of me.
It wasn't meant to be like this. We weren't supposed to live in a fallen world. We made one very bad sinful decision and corruption and death set in. Sadly this is the world we are stuck in until Jesus calls us home or returns to take us with Him.
Pressing on,
Shannon
It wasn't meant to be like this. We weren't supposed to live in a fallen world. We made one very bad sinful decision and corruption and death set in. Sadly this is the world we are stuck in until Jesus calls us home or returns to take us with Him.
Pressing on,
Shannon
I'm waiting but....I will praise you
Heavenly Father,
I'm waiting on you and your will for our lives. It's hard sometimes. But I am trusting. I wait on you, Lord. I wait and know that your will is always done. And that you are perfect. All I have is yours. All I am is yours. I am so blessed to be your child. I'm so glad you gave me life. I'm so glad you gave us Samantha and that you gave her life. We love her but we love you even more and we know that you love her even more. That's the way it should be. We know that you love us. We trust that nothing that happens to us hasn't gone through you first. We believe your promise to work all things out for our good. In my heart, I pray that you get all the glory through our lives in whatever it may be. Whether it is the healing that you offer or the good things that come from us through you, you deserve all the glory and praise because you are an awesome and amazing God. We love knowing that you take care of us and seeing what you have in store for our lives. We trust you. If you are willing, tell Samantha that her mommy and her daddy love her very much and can't wait until we are together again in heaven. It will be glorious. Thank you, Lord.
Amen....and Love, Shannon
I'm waiting on you and your will for our lives. It's hard sometimes. But I am trusting. I wait on you, Lord. I wait and know that your will is always done. And that you are perfect. All I have is yours. All I am is yours. I am so blessed to be your child. I'm so glad you gave me life. I'm so glad you gave us Samantha and that you gave her life. We love her but we love you even more and we know that you love her even more. That's the way it should be. We know that you love us. We trust that nothing that happens to us hasn't gone through you first. We believe your promise to work all things out for our good. In my heart, I pray that you get all the glory through our lives in whatever it may be. Whether it is the healing that you offer or the good things that come from us through you, you deserve all the glory and praise because you are an awesome and amazing God. We love knowing that you take care of us and seeing what you have in store for our lives. We trust you. If you are willing, tell Samantha that her mommy and her daddy love her very much and can't wait until we are together again in heaven. It will be glorious. Thank you, Lord.
Amen....and Love, Shannon
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
would have been 19 weeks along
If I was still pregnant with little Samantha....I'd be almost 19 weeks along. Almost halfway to meeting her. And if something had gone wrong then, close to the 20 week mark, might have been able to save her.
Those are the thoughts that run through my head. I have to remember that God's will is done.
I really didn't know how much I could love her. I really didn't. I am a loving person. I love my husband intensely and my closest family and dearest friends intensely but this is different. Other than Chris, I've never felt my heart pulled this hard. Guess that is how God made us.
I miss you, Samantha. Dance on a cloud and hug Jesus tight today. I'll be there soon enough....from my end, it feels like forever, but someday it'll seem only like the blink of an eye.
It's been six weeks....will I ever not dwell on this? I'm functioning and getting more back to normal but I don't feel happy.
Shannon
Those are the thoughts that run through my head. I have to remember that God's will is done.
I really didn't know how much I could love her. I really didn't. I am a loving person. I love my husband intensely and my closest family and dearest friends intensely but this is different. Other than Chris, I've never felt my heart pulled this hard. Guess that is how God made us.
I miss you, Samantha. Dance on a cloud and hug Jesus tight today. I'll be there soon enough....from my end, it feels like forever, but someday it'll seem only like the blink of an eye.
It's been six weeks....will I ever not dwell on this? I'm functioning and getting more back to normal but I don't feel happy.
Shannon
Where I'm Supposed To Be and Where Am I?
Sometimes it's hard for me to accept that this where I'm supposed to be. What do I mean by that you might ask? I mean that I am in the hands of God and at the threshold of His will. I have, especially of late, prayed that His will be done. Sometimes I question what His will is. But I know that He is good, He is right, and His way is best.
So where am I supposed to be? I am supposed to be right here where I have no control over my life, where I realize that every breath I take is by the grace of God, and that every day I wake is only by His will. I'm desperately out of control (I refer to self-control) and yet totally and completely secure.
I saw a beautiful picture of a little baby (who was born prematurely and had passed away) who was so small that he fit in the palm of his father's hand. The beauty of the picture was that I envisioned myself held in the much larger hand of my Heavenly Father. That image for me was profoundly impacting. When we are being held by our father, we are safe. We don't need to understand what's going on but simply trust.
Trust. That's where I am supposed to be. Walking by faith. It's all I can do. When people tell me I'm strong, I'm surprised because I don't feel that strong. I feel that God is carrying me and all I can do is ride along, walk that walk by faith. I'm learning daily, more and more, to trust Him. I am finding myself growing through this process and finding myself able to trust Him more and more.
This is a reflection on where I am and I'm refreshed to know that sometimes how I feel is exactly where I need to be.
Lord, convict my heart when I'm not where I need to be, and let your will be done. Give me your peace when I am anxious. Help me to trust you more and more. Lord, let my life not be mine but let it be yours.
~Shannon
So where am I supposed to be? I am supposed to be right here where I have no control over my life, where I realize that every breath I take is by the grace of God, and that every day I wake is only by His will. I'm desperately out of control (I refer to self-control) and yet totally and completely secure.
I saw a beautiful picture of a little baby (who was born prematurely and had passed away) who was so small that he fit in the palm of his father's hand. The beauty of the picture was that I envisioned myself held in the much larger hand of my Heavenly Father. That image for me was profoundly impacting. When we are being held by our father, we are safe. We don't need to understand what's going on but simply trust.
Trust. That's where I am supposed to be. Walking by faith. It's all I can do. When people tell me I'm strong, I'm surprised because I don't feel that strong. I feel that God is carrying me and all I can do is ride along, walk that walk by faith. I'm learning daily, more and more, to trust Him. I am finding myself growing through this process and finding myself able to trust Him more and more.
This is a reflection on where I am and I'm refreshed to know that sometimes how I feel is exactly where I need to be.
Lord, convict my heart when I'm not where I need to be, and let your will be done. Give me your peace when I am anxious. Help me to trust you more and more. Lord, let my life not be mine but let it be yours.
~Shannon
Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good
In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
A Testament To Our Love
Written for the most wonderful man in the entire world....my husband, Chris.
When we met just over five years ago, I had no idea what would come our way. I didn't know I would marry you someday or that the simple meeting of us as young camp counselors would lead us to falling madly and deeply in love. I knew one thing though. I knew we'd be friends...which was remarkable because you were the only man I'd ever truly felt comfortable around. And I believe that our friendship is truly the testament to our love.
Christopher, you are not only husband and my love, but my very best friend. You are the only one I want when something breaks my heart and you are the first one that I tell when something joyous enters in. You love me unconditionally despite the fact that I can be difficult or very emotional. For that, I am so grateful and blessed to be your wife and to call you my best friend.
Shortly after we met, I knew we were going to share something more than simply friendship. Sure enough shortly after we shared our first kiss, you gave me a promise ring and told me of your intent to marry me. I was awed and floored and while I was excited, was unsure of whether or not you'd be reliable. But you were...even after I'd broken up with you. You came back to me even when I had turned my back on us.
You kept your word. You bought me another beautiful ring a year and a half later and then a few months later purchased an engagement ring and you asked my father for permission to marry me. One summer day, you asked me what I'd wish for, if I had just one wish. I told you I wanted to marry you and grow old with you. As I strolled on, you touched my shoulder and turned me around to find you dropping to one knee and asking me to be in "your wedding" which was so darling. I cried and cried. You placed that special ring on my left hand. Then we rejoiced and made plans with our families and friends.
July 11, 2008, we became man and wife. We celebrated the gift of love that God has blessed us with. We united as a cord of three, intending to let God be the third person in our marriage, because we knew we couldn't do it on our own. And we finally consummated our marriage, having been waiting for a long time to do it according to His will for us. When it hurt me, you patiently loved me and comforted me until we as two were able to become truly one. We continued on in our marriage and we grew, you learned to pray for me, comfort me, and I learned how to show you that I loved you.
Even through some medical scares and struggles, you were strong. When you had to have surgery and I was so scared, you told me that this would make us stronger. You were so right. When my eating disorder flared up, and I went into some of the most difficult days and darkest times of my life, you told me I was beautiful and that you loved me just because I was me. You did the hardest things at times, when you feared for my life and health, and you put your foot down with me. You learned how to be the head of our household and I learned to submit as God had called me to do.
We celebrated our two year anniversary quickly this past summer and God blessed us in ways that we could not have imagined. He gave us a sweet child that we named Samantha. When I was terrified, you calmed my fears and warmed my heart by telling me that God would provide for us and our baby. And when my heart broke in ways that it never had before and hurt more than I knew was possible, you held me and loved me and comforted me. You were a strong and much needed spiritual head of our house in the days and weeks following. And still today, six weeks after losing our little baby, you have stood by my side and calmed me. You have comforted me. You have loved me.
Christopher, I'm sorry to say that I haven't been the kind of wife that I believe you deserve but that I am so blessed to be your wife. You know this but I'll say it again, if today were our wedding day, I'd marry you all over again. I love you. Thank you for loving me. We will get through this and someday we will enter into another season of joy. I am so blessed by you and I thank God for you...my best friend, my lover, my husband.
~Shannon
When we met just over five years ago, I had no idea what would come our way. I didn't know I would marry you someday or that the simple meeting of us as young camp counselors would lead us to falling madly and deeply in love. I knew one thing though. I knew we'd be friends...which was remarkable because you were the only man I'd ever truly felt comfortable around. And I believe that our friendship is truly the testament to our love.
Christopher, you are not only husband and my love, but my very best friend. You are the only one I want when something breaks my heart and you are the first one that I tell when something joyous enters in. You love me unconditionally despite the fact that I can be difficult or very emotional. For that, I am so grateful and blessed to be your wife and to call you my best friend.
Shortly after we met, I knew we were going to share something more than simply friendship. Sure enough shortly after we shared our first kiss, you gave me a promise ring and told me of your intent to marry me. I was awed and floored and while I was excited, was unsure of whether or not you'd be reliable. But you were...even after I'd broken up with you. You came back to me even when I had turned my back on us.
You kept your word. You bought me another beautiful ring a year and a half later and then a few months later purchased an engagement ring and you asked my father for permission to marry me. One summer day, you asked me what I'd wish for, if I had just one wish. I told you I wanted to marry you and grow old with you. As I strolled on, you touched my shoulder and turned me around to find you dropping to one knee and asking me to be in "your wedding" which was so darling. I cried and cried. You placed that special ring on my left hand. Then we rejoiced and made plans with our families and friends.
July 11, 2008, we became man and wife. We celebrated the gift of love that God has blessed us with. We united as a cord of three, intending to let God be the third person in our marriage, because we knew we couldn't do it on our own. And we finally consummated our marriage, having been waiting for a long time to do it according to His will for us. When it hurt me, you patiently loved me and comforted me until we as two were able to become truly one. We continued on in our marriage and we grew, you learned to pray for me, comfort me, and I learned how to show you that I loved you.
Even through some medical scares and struggles, you were strong. When you had to have surgery and I was so scared, you told me that this would make us stronger. You were so right. When my eating disorder flared up, and I went into some of the most difficult days and darkest times of my life, you told me I was beautiful and that you loved me just because I was me. You did the hardest things at times, when you feared for my life and health, and you put your foot down with me. You learned how to be the head of our household and I learned to submit as God had called me to do.
We celebrated our two year anniversary quickly this past summer and God blessed us in ways that we could not have imagined. He gave us a sweet child that we named Samantha. When I was terrified, you calmed my fears and warmed my heart by telling me that God would provide for us and our baby. And when my heart broke in ways that it never had before and hurt more than I knew was possible, you held me and loved me and comforted me. You were a strong and much needed spiritual head of our house in the days and weeks following. And still today, six weeks after losing our little baby, you have stood by my side and calmed me. You have comforted me. You have loved me.
Christopher, I'm sorry to say that I haven't been the kind of wife that I believe you deserve but that I am so blessed to be your wife. You know this but I'll say it again, if today were our wedding day, I'd marry you all over again. I love you. Thank you for loving me. We will get through this and someday we will enter into another season of joy. I am so blessed by you and I thank God for you...my best friend, my lover, my husband.
~Shannon
Selah's I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
VENT
Last night was good. We are very conservative so Chris and I were satisfied with the outcome of the local and national elections. We wish we could have taken majority in the Senate too but we are happy with the accomplishments.
However, having said that....it was not a good morning. We've racked up hundreds of dollars for Chris's car this week (had to get an inspection)...which was fine! We were planning on repairing some things but we weren't expecting to have any other issues. Well, of course my D&C/pregnancy costs bill came recently...and also, here's the real treat. The gas company found a leak in our yard so they turned off the gas and now we need to call a plumber to repair it. Grr.....I am so frustrated. We are going to be freezing for a little bit and also more money to spend. I'm waiting for Chris to tell me whether or not our home warranty will cover the putting in of a new line. I'm hoping it will...otherwise, we'll be responsible for the entire cost.
Anyhow, the purpose of this post is just to vent. It probably sounds stupid but I have a hard enough time with just finally trying to process through Samantha's loss and readjusting to life and the holidays coming up and now this is a major stressor too. It makes me upset all over again because I'm stressed.
I'm trying to trust God...it's hard.
Shannon
However, having said that....it was not a good morning. We've racked up hundreds of dollars for Chris's car this week (had to get an inspection)...which was fine! We were planning on repairing some things but we weren't expecting to have any other issues. Well, of course my D&C/pregnancy costs bill came recently...and also, here's the real treat. The gas company found a leak in our yard so they turned off the gas and now we need to call a plumber to repair it. Grr.....I am so frustrated. We are going to be freezing for a little bit and also more money to spend. I'm waiting for Chris to tell me whether or not our home warranty will cover the putting in of a new line. I'm hoping it will...otherwise, we'll be responsible for the entire cost.
Anyhow, the purpose of this post is just to vent. It probably sounds stupid but I have a hard enough time with just finally trying to process through Samantha's loss and readjusting to life and the holidays coming up and now this is a major stressor too. It makes me upset all over again because I'm stressed.
I'm trying to trust God...it's hard.
Shannon
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Feeling alone
I feel very alone in this miscarriage, not being pregnant thing....A few of my friends are or might be pregnant or are trying....and I feel like an outcast. Because of the miscarriage. I never felt like an outcast before the miscarriage. I just hadn't been pregnant. I was certainly never planning on miscarrying. I don't know if all those feelings make sense but they are what they are.
I can't believe how much I can miss my little baby. It is just so hard for me to know that I should be almost 19 weeks along.....
Just when I take a step forward, I take one back...and I get sad all over again. I know that part of it is my hormones, part of it is the season (I get S.A.D) and that part of it is the holidays upcoming, and of course, the big part of it as my therapist J would say is that I lost my child. It's not easy to deal with that.
Shannon
I can't believe how much I can miss my little baby. It is just so hard for me to know that I should be almost 19 weeks along.....
Just when I take a step forward, I take one back...and I get sad all over again. I know that part of it is my hormones, part of it is the season (I get S.A.D) and that part of it is the holidays upcoming, and of course, the big part of it as my therapist J would say is that I lost my child. It's not easy to deal with that.
Shannon
Life Update
So...here's the status on my life. :)
I had a fantastic weekend with my dear friend EEJ. She is such a blessing to me. We shopped on Saturday morning and went exploring on boulders and rocks and hiking-ish around some waterfalls a couple hours south of us. Then we rode our local streetcar. Sunday, we went to church and then we carved pumpkins before EE had to leave. I miss her already.
She really blessed me in one aspect particularly. She cross-stitched a sunflower with Samantha's name above it. She left it up to us whether to frame it or use it as a bookmark. I will most definitely be framing it and will always remember our daughter when we look at it. Thank you, EE, for loving Samantha. You have truly blessed me. When I said I missed Samantha this weekend (which I was totally comfortable to say around my dear friend) she simply said that she missed her niece too. I am so blessed to have two biological sisters whom I adore, two sister in laws that I am so glad to count as family now, and five friends from college who are as close as any sister and I credit that to us being Christian sisters through the blood of Christ.
Yesterday, I had a meltdown. I'm struggling with not being angry. But sometimes it's hard. I had a period so I know that I am not currently pregnant and I think that really upset me. The holidays are coming up and we all know (we meaning those who understand this) how difficult they can be when there are emotional and family struggles. My heart just hurts.....I want Samantha back so badly.
That's about all for right now...more to come later.
~Shannon
I had a fantastic weekend with my dear friend EEJ. She is such a blessing to me. We shopped on Saturday morning and went exploring on boulders and rocks and hiking-ish around some waterfalls a couple hours south of us. Then we rode our local streetcar. Sunday, we went to church and then we carved pumpkins before EE had to leave. I miss her already.
She really blessed me in one aspect particularly. She cross-stitched a sunflower with Samantha's name above it. She left it up to us whether to frame it or use it as a bookmark. I will most definitely be framing it and will always remember our daughter when we look at it. Thank you, EE, for loving Samantha. You have truly blessed me. When I said I missed Samantha this weekend (which I was totally comfortable to say around my dear friend) she simply said that she missed her niece too. I am so blessed to have two biological sisters whom I adore, two sister in laws that I am so glad to count as family now, and five friends from college who are as close as any sister and I credit that to us being Christian sisters through the blood of Christ.
Yesterday, I had a meltdown. I'm struggling with not being angry. But sometimes it's hard. I had a period so I know that I am not currently pregnant and I think that really upset me. The holidays are coming up and we all know (we meaning those who understand this) how difficult they can be when there are emotional and family struggles. My heart just hurts.....I want Samantha back so badly.
That's about all for right now...more to come later.
~Shannon
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Life takes so much energy sometimes
I'm drained. I have one more day to go at work. But by the end of tomorrow, I will have put in 10 extra hours this week. That never happens! I very rarely have to spend all my 37.5 hours here. I'm on call always but...still.
I feel like life takes so much energy sometimes. One of my best friends, E, is supposed to visit us this weekend. We're very excited to see her. But we were planning on visiting Gettysburg and I'm not sure I have the energy to do that. After this week, it's just hectic...I'll have to see if E minds if we do something else after all. I feel obnoxious though when I feel like "I can't handle things" or am easily overwhelmed. I'm not trying to be annoying, really. I am just having a hard time.
Shannon
I feel like life takes so much energy sometimes. One of my best friends, E, is supposed to visit us this weekend. We're very excited to see her. But we were planning on visiting Gettysburg and I'm not sure I have the energy to do that. After this week, it's just hectic...I'll have to see if E minds if we do something else after all. I feel obnoxious though when I feel like "I can't handle things" or am easily overwhelmed. I'm not trying to be annoying, really. I am just having a hard time.
Shannon
Steven Curtis Chapman's With Hope
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...
So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...
So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
When I Get Where I'm Going (Brad Paisley)
Brad Paisley
When I Get Where I'm Going
When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.
I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain
(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.
I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.
(Chorus)
So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.
But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.
When I Get Where I'm Going
When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.
I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain
(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.
I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.
(Chorus)
So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.
But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.
I have never known
I have never known this kind of pain.
I saw those words on a miscarriage tribute video today. I thought they were so right. I have never known this kind of pain before. I had no idea I would love my baby like that. I knew I'd love them but not how.....
~Shannon
I saw those words on a miscarriage tribute video today. I thought they were so right. I have never known this kind of pain before. I had no idea I would love my baby like that. I knew I'd love them but not how.....
~Shannon
I miss talking to you, Samantha
Dear Samantha,
I'm writing you a letter because I miss you so much. And one of the things that I miss the most is talking to you. We used to tease you (not that you probably understood) and I would say "I love you, Peep!" And things like "Isabelle can't wait to meet you, Peep." And I used to make this squeaky voice to say "Daddy, I love you too!" I'd pretend to be you. But now there's none of that. Because, Samantha Peep, sweetheart, now you live with Jesus and are carried in our hearts instead of growing in my body.
I miss all the talks we might have had. I had so many dreams and so many hopes for your life, sweet girl. I told your Daddy while I was pregnant with you that I intended to be the best mom in the world! I wanted to read the books that you wanted to read (even when you were only seven years old!) and then go on book club dates and talk about them. I wanted to make jewelry with you. Teach you to sing and make music together. I wanted to dance with you. See you off to your first formal dance in high school. I wanted you to get married and have your own babies. Then you'd finally know how much I loved you. I would have done anything for you, Samantha. You had me wrapped around your little finger from the moment I saw your heartbeat.
I miss you so much, baby girl. I miss the baby days. I was so looking forward to bonding with you over breastfeeding, rejoicing over your first steps, sharing you with family and friends, and now there's just a lot of emptiness. What was so joyful feels so empty. Your bedroom sits untouched with a pile of baby clothes that you will never wear. My arms and my heart ache to hold you. To feel you fluttering in me--an experience I never had. I miss you so much, Samantha Peep.
Love,
Mommy
I'm writing you a letter because I miss you so much. And one of the things that I miss the most is talking to you. We used to tease you (not that you probably understood) and I would say "I love you, Peep!" And things like "Isabelle can't wait to meet you, Peep." And I used to make this squeaky voice to say "Daddy, I love you too!" I'd pretend to be you. But now there's none of that. Because, Samantha Peep, sweetheart, now you live with Jesus and are carried in our hearts instead of growing in my body.
I miss all the talks we might have had. I had so many dreams and so many hopes for your life, sweet girl. I told your Daddy while I was pregnant with you that I intended to be the best mom in the world! I wanted to read the books that you wanted to read (even when you were only seven years old!) and then go on book club dates and talk about them. I wanted to make jewelry with you. Teach you to sing and make music together. I wanted to dance with you. See you off to your first formal dance in high school. I wanted you to get married and have your own babies. Then you'd finally know how much I loved you. I would have done anything for you, Samantha. You had me wrapped around your little finger from the moment I saw your heartbeat.
I miss you so much, baby girl. I miss the baby days. I was so looking forward to bonding with you over breastfeeding, rejoicing over your first steps, sharing you with family and friends, and now there's just a lot of emptiness. What was so joyful feels so empty. Your bedroom sits untouched with a pile of baby clothes that you will never wear. My arms and my heart ache to hold you. To feel you fluttering in me--an experience I never had. I miss you so much, Samantha Peep.
Love,
Mommy
Bittersweet Joy
Yes, I'm using the title of my blog as the title of my post too. All I could think about was bittersweet joy because some things have been happening that are joyful but they feel so bittersweet. It's just not complete without Samantha here. I wish, I wish, I wish with all my heart that God could give us our sweet little Peep back. But He has given and He has taken and blessed be His name.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Made For Perfection by Shannon Schroeder
Made For Perfection (by Shannon Schroeder)
We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face
Day by day,
I see the tears of people crying
Every single day,
I hear about another person dying
And I think how much it hurts
How cruel life can be
And then I remember how you made us
Then I finally see
We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face
There's a man who's walking by me
He's hungry and alone
A mother with just her babies
No place to call their home
A teenage girl with no friends
Who wants to end her life
A little boy who's hurting
Because he just lost another fight
We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face
One day, things will be restored
One day, this will pass, it will be no more
One day, things will be perfect once again
So we wait, we pray until then
We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face
We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face
Day by day,
I see the tears of people crying
Every single day,
I hear about another person dying
And I think how much it hurts
How cruel life can be
And then I remember how you made us
Then I finally see
We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face
There's a man who's walking by me
He's hungry and alone
A mother with just her babies
No place to call their home
A teenage girl with no friends
Who wants to end her life
A little boy who's hurting
Because he just lost another fight
We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face
One day, things will be restored
One day, this will pass, it will be no more
One day, things will be perfect once again
So we wait, we pray until then
We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face
Trying Not To Be Angry With God
After I wrote my last post, I tried not to get angry with God. It is so hard not to sometimes. It's not that I hate Him. It's just me in my human and sinful nature rebelling against Him because I don't understand. I really don't want to be angry with God. I am just so sad and I don't understand which makes it natural to question why and then leads to anger when (to my eyes) there seems to be no just answer.
Part of it has to do with a sexual struggle that Chris and I have had since we were married. I have vaginismus (painful intercourse) and at first penetration was difficult. I'm not ready to talk about all of that right now.
Also, I have had plenty of others ups and downs. I have Charcot Marie Tooth Disease (an inherited peripheral neuropathy) and most of my teenage years were consumed with tests, doctor's appointments, and procedures trying to diagnose that. For awhile, they thought it was something more serious. Thank God, it wasn't but....
I've also had an aneurysmal bone cyst removed twice. It wasn't cancerous but it impacted my life quite a bit.
I've struggled emotionally and in my family with different issues.
Sometimes I want to ask ISN'T THAT ENOUGH!? WHY? HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH?
And I want to be excused from this pain because "I'm a good person." I have never been drunk. I didn't have sex until I was married. I didn't do this or that or this or that. But I know that I have sinned, we all have, and that I live in a sinful world where bad things do happen to people and I just have such a difficult time with that concept. I guess we all do. Because we were made for perfection.
And so.....I am trying not to ask why...As my good friend N said "You can't ask why because after all, why not?" She's so right and when I remember that, I am convicted. I can't justify and judge God's actions--nor unjustify. He is the only one right and good!
But does it mean that my sinful self doesn't creep to the surface at times? Absolutely not.
Sigh....
Shannon
Part of it has to do with a sexual struggle that Chris and I have had since we were married. I have vaginismus (painful intercourse) and at first penetration was difficult. I'm not ready to talk about all of that right now.
Also, I have had plenty of others ups and downs. I have Charcot Marie Tooth Disease (an inherited peripheral neuropathy) and most of my teenage years were consumed with tests, doctor's appointments, and procedures trying to diagnose that. For awhile, they thought it was something more serious. Thank God, it wasn't but....
I've also had an aneurysmal bone cyst removed twice. It wasn't cancerous but it impacted my life quite a bit.
I've struggled emotionally and in my family with different issues.
Sometimes I want to ask ISN'T THAT ENOUGH!? WHY? HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH?
And I want to be excused from this pain because "I'm a good person." I have never been drunk. I didn't have sex until I was married. I didn't do this or that or this or that. But I know that I have sinned, we all have, and that I live in a sinful world where bad things do happen to people and I just have such a difficult time with that concept. I guess we all do. Because we were made for perfection.
And so.....I am trying not to ask why...As my good friend N said "You can't ask why because after all, why not?" She's so right and when I remember that, I am convicted. I can't justify and judge God's actions--nor unjustify. He is the only one right and good!
But does it mean that my sinful self doesn't creep to the surface at times? Absolutely not.
Sigh....
Shannon
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