19 weeks, 1 day

I am nineteen weeks along. Next week is our big ultrasound. Anticipating everything going well with this but still nervous of course.

Our house is starting to get more and more cozy and the way we want it to be. They say it takes a year to get settled. It's been just over a year ish...and we are finally getting things set up the way that we want to. We rearranged the living room last night, discussing where we want to get/keep an arts and crafts chest and where we'll set up the play pen. We have a beautiful solid oak board that will be turned into a shelf in our kitchen. We can put some extra appliances on the shelf and then we will be able to have more counter space.

Sprout's room is painted and ready as things come into it. We just need to clean out the closet, but we'll save that for another day--it's not too big of a closet...and it'll be easier if we actually have a plan/place to move those things.

We are going to find out the sex next week if we can...and then I will be making little boy/girl specific things, etc. and be able to really imagine this baby in October.

Things are coming together in our house! Which is great. They are also coming together outside....landscaping, plants, etc. Slowly but surely.....which is amazing. Most credit goes to Chris, who is in school full time and working full time, and yet manages our home and our marriage with such care. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man! He takes such good care of me and provides financially and emotionally. I am so glad I have that security. Over the past five months, our marriage has really blossomed and has flourished and I think that the miscarriages actually made us stronger.

Anyway, that's a lot of rambling....out of my pregnant brain...

But things are good. And I have quite a few quiet days at work so that's awesome too. Things were hectic for awhile so I wasn't sure what to expect...but they settled!

That's it....

~Shannon

almost 19 weeks

I am almost 19 weeks pregnant.

It's surreal.

~Shannon

18 weeks pregnant

Why does 18 sound like more than 17?

I guess it is...

But wow.

Today I'm 18 weeks pregnant.

Thank you, Lord.

~Shannon

Every milestone

I just have to say...

Because this is my place to share things...

Every milestone with this baby makes me miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a whole lot.

A whole lot.

Because I missed out on all of theirs.

And no, it doesn't make me feel better that I wouldn't have Sprout if it wasn't for their losses. I could never choose between two of my children and putting them in the fate of time box doesn't make me feel better. My heart, regardless of reality, wants all four of our children in our home now...but that's not how life is.

Anyhow, I feel a little better now that I shared this. It's good to be real here.

~Shannon

~Shannon

Little blessings

The baby room is painted. Soon to become a true nursery...as furniture and things fill it up!

Chris and I have a good plan for child care figured out between the two of us. We really didn't want to have to use outside childcare, not even family or friends too often....We really wanted to, as parents, provide this baby care ourselves, as much as possible. He will be doing nursing school part time and I will be working part-time. This will be a good transition for both of us, I think, allowing all three of us to have time as a family...as well as allowing our child sufficient parental attention.

We have our registry done. Wow.

Our twenty week ultrasound is set up.

We have started talking about baptism, godparents, names, etc.

We are moving in the right direction of baby-hood. This is a blessing!

~Shannon

18 weeks pregnant

Tomorrow I will be eighteen weeks pregnant.

That's thrilling.

And yet, I'm still terrified something is wrong.

Why? Nothing has been wrong. I'm still afraid that something is wrong....

I'm hoping all is well...

I'm so grateful for my husband, my sister B, and my best friends...because with them....JUST knowing that they care and they seem to 'get it' better than the average person helps me.......I love them. So much.

But every day is a day closer.
~Shannon

In sixth months it might all be different

In six months, it might all be different.

I'm scared to believe that.

But I'm hoping it's true.

I had a dentist appointment today. When I was done with my cleaning, I went to schedule my next appointment in six months. Which was the beginning of November. I was amazed to think that at the time I would be getting the next cleaning, I could have a tiny baby! A baby! A baby! It kind of excited me...

So it made me realize that we are slowly trekking through this pregnancy and every day is a day closer to holding little Sprout.

~Shannon

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was hard. I didn't comment on it before. I kind of just let it sneak up on me. Yesterday, I cried on and off....I called my best friend, B, and shared a little of how I was feeling and then when Chris came home from work...I cried on his shoulder. He reassured me that it was okay to cry and be sad every once in awhile. I didn't let it consume me so that's good. I'm learning to take care of myself. For example, yesterday, I knew it was going to be hard so I didn't make plans. Yes, sometimes plans are good. But I took the time to paint both my fingernails and toenails a lovely shade of summery pink. I laid out on our deck and read a novel. I enjoyed eating fresh fruit and bought a maternity shirt at the mall. I had a couple of nice phone calls, snuggled with my cats, and reflected on God's goodness. It was a day filled with little blessings and God's grace was sufficient to get me through.

Saturday night, Chris and I had gone to church...since he had to work on Sunday. As I skimmed through our bulletin at the beginning of the service, I was a little emotional. There was a Mother's Day prayer that all moms were supposed to speak. I felt overwhelmed. Was I a mom? I know in my heart I am...but I didn't want to overstep my bounds and weird out the people around me. If Samantha had been born, she'd already be here....but she's not. Dominic and Noah are in heaven. And Sprout's still inside of me. Talk about confusion. Chris, oh dear sweet husband he is, said to me that yes, I was a mom, and yes, I should say the prayer. No ifs, ands, or buts. Okay, but I still felt funny. Then our pastor, during the offering, came over to me and asked if I would start the Mother's Day prayer. I cried and then said yes. Then he announced that I would be leading, as the newest mom amongst them, and that the other mom should join in with me. They did and that was really special for me. Chris and I both loved our pastor dearly in that moment! He took a hurting situation and turned it into a healing one!

Anyhow, that's how the day went......I can't say my heart didn't hurt....because it did. But like Chris said...given our experiences...that's normal.

~Shannon

17 weeks pregnant tomorrow

Tomorrow I will be 17 weeks pregnant. We're excited because LAST weekend, I started to feel wiggles and flutters. That was so cool. I don't feel it all the time but it's there. Our baby Sprout is wiggling.

I can't help but wonder though...how different the pregnancy process would be if I had never miscarried. Then I realize too...in our situation, we wouldn't have Sprout inside of me....if we had never lost Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. The beauty of it is that we don't have to analyze and choose what our reality should be. We just have to accept what it is. And we do love this baby a lot too.

We're getting ready for the ultrasound in between 18-20 weeks so that'll be coming up. I'm nervous about that because you never know what can be wrong. But we are praying and trusting God. He has never left our side before so whatever, healthy or even if something is noted on the ultrasound, we still know that He will    be our God and He holds the universe in His hands.

That's reassuring.
~Shannon

15.5 weeks pregnant

Yes, it's true. I am just about fifteen and a half weeks pregnant. I am starting to accept that there is a child inside of me and that there is a good possibility that this child will come home with us in October. It's an incredible feeling. I feel so blessed.

And yet, there's an underlying anxiety that doubts......could this really be happening? It's surreal.......I feel a bit disconnected sometimes.

I am reminded daily that I am not in control. God is. Whatever happens is His will. Daily, I have to learn to trust again and leave my burdens at the foot of the cross. And to take it one day at a time.

For today, I accept that there is a beautiful, precious child of God, our little baby Sprout, inside of me and that his or her heart is beating strong and we are blessed.

No matter what happens, we are blessed. Beyond measure. Our God is good.

And we yearn for life, eternal life, that'll never fade, for all of our children...not just temporary earthly passings. Ultimately, to dwell in the presence of the house of the Lord forever.

We are blessed. So are Sprout's sister and brothers. They dance with Jesus every day and celebrate the high feast of the lamb in His presence. There is no pain or sorrow. And one day, we believe we will be there too, and all will be right!


~Shannon

Easter: Resurrection, Life, and Joy

I was so blessed this past Easter. It was a slightly different experience for me...as I didn't spend it with my husband and either of our families. I spent it with my church family, the body of Christ, for worship, and then a couple of dear friends from church for Easter dinner. And I was blessed!

When I arrived at church on Sunday, I was about five minutes late. This was slightly discombobulating for me as all Easter services are packed and our contemporary service was no exception! I slid into the front row, which wasn't a big deal, because I enjoy sitting up front.....and started worshipping with the band and the rest of the group of believers.

The service was wonderful but I can truly say that the message was what touched my heart the most. I found that what our pastor shared was just what I needed to hear. First, he reminded us that, in the same way that God took care of the stone at the burial site of Christ, that He can take care of all stones and obstacles in our life. Then he also reminded us of how important it was that Christ was buried. First of all, it proves he had died. Secondly, in His burial, Christ was carrying our sins to the grave. When He rises from the dead, in a glorified body, He leaves our sins behind--never again to haunt us or torment us! They were buried and are no more!

While those points in the sermon were incredibly important for me to hear.....there is one more point he made. That was most important. He talked about when everyone is asking the 'why' questions about the crucifixion and Jesus' situation, Jesus answer the question with a who response, NOT a why response. He says 'I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me will never perish but shall have eternal life.'

Why was this so important? I can ask why all I want. I sometimes do wonder why.....Samantha, Dominic, and Noah were taken....I don't have an answer. And yet, as our pastor said, Jesus chooses not to answer the why questions sometimes. But He does answer the who question. Pastor said 'Is it enough for you to know that? That He is the resurrection and the life? He may never answer the why but He answered the who. Do you believe that?'

I do believe that. With all my heart. Despite my circumstances, and the struggles, we've had...I believe that Jesus is the resurrection and the life and He is our hope!!!

One day, we will be reunited with our three precious children...and I pray that the children God blesses us with on earth...will grow to know Him and glorify His name...and that one day, our family will be together and things will finally be right.

Thank you, Lord, that you were forsaken so that we never will be. Thank you, Lord, for carrying our sins far away. And thank you, for giving us eternal life......We would be so lost in despair without you. We love you beyond measure because you loved us first.

~Shannon

Life leaves scars...

Life leaves scars.
It doesn't mean healing doesn't take place.
It does.
It simply means that we'll never be the same.
Never the same as we were before that wound was inflicted.
It simply means that there will always be a tender spot.
A reminder of what happened.

I feel so blessed some days. I am almost fourteen and a half weeks pregnant with baby Sprout. Our little one has a gloriously healthy heartbeat and my body seems to be pregnant still. We are out of the first trimester.

And yet, somedays, my aches from my scars flare up. Like when the people around me are having babies that we should have shared a birth month with and I know that my first child, Samantha, would have been due this month. Mother's Day is next month. That's going to be hard too. Also, our little sisters are going to be/have gotten confirmed in their home church. When I envisioned all that happening, I planned on Samantha Peep being in the picture. She's not. Our arms are still empty and anxiously we wait and plan, not knowing whether or not this child will come home with us.

I sometimes feel that I can't focus on this baby. I am afraid to get too attached. When I start to get attached, I start to cry and I start to feel panicked, like someone is going to take this baby away. I am helpless to stop anything from happening, I am helpless to protect my child, and I am terrified that it's going to happen again.

I also struggle with body image. My body hasn't gone through major changes yet, but it is changing. It's weird. I can, technically, still wear my regular clothes. However, they are not comfortable. My hips are shifting and my uterus is rising up and starting to fill out...I've not baby bumped yet but my body is changing. I try to remember that my body is changing to accomodate and grow a baby. That my body is essentially my baby's body right now too! At least, it is my baby's home right now...so he/she is going to have an impact. But sometimes, I put something on and I panic because it doesn't feel or look exactly the same as it once did.

Faith is also a struggle. I know that I believe in creator God, Savior Jesus Christ, and ever-present Holy Spirit. However, different doctrinal things have been on my heart. I have really been struggling with that. It's something I need to explore with Scripture and pastoral guidance.

I am also really struggling emotionally. I think part of it what I wrote about earlier. The loss of Samantha, Dominic, and of Noah.........I know that this is simply the way things are and I can't not be grateful that Sprout is in me. I need to find acceptance. I don't have to find understanding. Sometimes our human minds can not comprehend the will of God. He doesn't ask that we understand. We are simply to accept and have faith. I struggle with that. Not so much maybe acceptance but still that sadness that comes with living in a sinful world. I also struggle with knowing that I almost got rid of Samantha. It's so interesting how in one moment I felt so strongly one way and then in so many others, I would give ANYTHING for her to be present.

Emotionally, I have been really depressed. J and Chris want me to possibly go onto a medication but I am nervous because I am pregnant. However, leaving me unmedicated might be bad too. It's a difficult decision to make and one that won't be reached without lots of questioning and prayer. I have also been battling self-destructive thoughts and patterns. My best friends and sister have been available though...and that is a blessing.

I am also blessed to be in a support group with a bunch of other women who get the eating disorder component of life. They do, they get it. It is a blessing to spend time with them and be reassured that I am not alone and misunderstood and also to have guidance in those difficult days. They have offered a tremendous amount of the support recently and I feel blessed because of that.

One other area I am struggling with is the fear of being a new mom. I am afraid of a lot of things! I also am uncertain and feel that I will be awkward in many of the areas of parenting. Now, what I don't want from people is advice...I simply want people to make themselves available so that I have support when I have questions or concerns.

I also worry that our timing to have children was wrong. We've had to do some discussing of jobs, childcare, education, and a variety of things, and trying to juggle and shift things stresses me. I don't deal with change or transition well and so I think I am a little nervous at how big of a change having a baby will be. However, I do believe children are a blessing and that therefore, we are/will be blessed and taken care of. It's just hard. Depression and severe anxiety makes everything worse.

That's what is going on. That's a fairly raw and real expression of how I've been feeling lately and what's been going through my mind.

~Shannon

13 weeks, 1 day

13 weeks, 1 day

Yesterday, I was bleeding

I thought I had lost Sprout

I was terrified

But they found a heartbeat and the bleeding stopped

I was so relieved

But now I am worried that I am going to miscarry

And that it's only a matter of time

Maybe that's not rational

But it's how I FEEL

~Shannon

Shup Up ED So I Can Hear Me

In J's office, there's a t-shirt that another young woman struggling with ED made. It says 'Shut up ED so I can hear me.' Somehow, until last night, all I had seen is 'Shut up so I can hear me.' ED makes all the difference. For those of you who might somehow be confused....ED stands for eating disorder.

That phrase has been in my mind all morning. Perhaps it is because I was in group therapy last night and that's when I really noticed it because it was brought up by J.

Do you know how hard it is for me to hear myself? I can't hear myself think. I feel hunger settle in at lunch time and I'm trying to think about what I should eat for Sprout and myself. Instead of being able to think clearly, I hear voices telling me not to eat That I don't need to eat. That I'm not worth it to eat. And I can't hear myself think! I just don't want to eat....But I need to eat! IT IS SO DARN FRUSTRATING. And then when I finally do decide to eat, there are times where it's so complicated to decide WHAT to eat. Makes me so angry.

Shut up, ED, so I can hear ME.

~Shannon

Wedding stuff

Well, some of you know that I was asked to be in my sister in law's wedding as matron of honor. I agreed. Then I got pregnant and with my eating disorder history...the dress became an adventure . Temptation kicked in. So I backed out. I consulted with 'wise people' before doing so and everyone was in agreement that I needed to back out.

I feel so relieved.

I am also so proud. I couldn't have said no and taken care of myself even six months ago. I credit J with helping me do that. She has really taught me how to take care of myself and that I am worth it. The people who love me will get that because they want me to take care of me.

It wasn't worth it to me to do something that could have hurt Sprout. So I am so glad to be able to say I made a decision that makes me a good mom.

~Shannon      

A Variety of Things Going On

So I'm trying to be real here......

1. I hate sex. NOT really. But right now I do. There's too much anxiety for me surrounding it right now.

2. I can't seem to think about our anniversary without realizing that is when we conceived Samantha. It's not until July but still.

3. I adore my sister B. She sends me the sweetest texts at just the right time to say that she thinks I'm beautiful and that she loves me.

4. Yesterday was a good day but hard too. There was a baptism and I really, really, really struggled not to melt down. I couldn't melt down because I was on the stage as one of the worship leaders. But as I was looking at the little baby being baptized, I was wishing it was Samantha. It left me feeling a little wistful and then turned into anxiety for Sprout later that day.

5. My best friends are the best. I got to talk to B and E yesterday and it was such a blessed conversation. There are very few people in the world that I feel get me 100% and it's so great that my best friends do. I am blessed to have seven people (Chris, best friends, and my sister) who love me unconditionally, even when we don't always agree...we never disagree or fight. They understand I'm me...and accept me for that...and amazingly, love me for it. Thanks to my seven........

6. I love my mom. My mom and I had a fantastic number of conversations last week. I cried over some family stresses and frustrations and she was so empathic and encouraging. I can't wait to visit my family in a few weeks.

7. Christopher is incredible. I couldn't ask for more in a man. He is not perfect but he's so darn close. I have seen my husband grow tremendously in the past four months and I love him deeply. I know now how much God loves me because I am so blessed by him.

8. Our church family is as good to us as any family. I love our dear brothers n sisters, moms n dad, and grandparents in Christ. We feel so loved at our church and so blessed and such a part of the family of God. We wouldn't change a thing about the people who love us there.

9. Sprout will be 13 weeks tomorrow! Need I say more? I feel that I will be nervous until the next appointment...which is 15 days away.

10. Jesus is my all in all. He never gives me more than I can handle. I love you, Lord.

~Shannon

God Knows Best

I am now 12.5 weeks pregnant. I measure my pregnant in full and half weeks. It makes it go quicker for me. I realize that my next measurement will be 13 weeks. How exciting is that?

I don't know if it's because I'm past the due date of Samantha but I am starting to be excited about baby Sprout. This one may make it home. Our doctor was fairly confident. Other sites have said that once you get past the point where you lost your child or something went wrong, it's a little easier to have peace over this child. So if you lost a child after birth, you may be unsettled until after birth and that time point has passed. This is a natural response to a loss and our ability to attempt to protect ourselves emotionally. It's okay that we feel that way. It is the consequence of living in a sinful world.

I am still a little apprehensive because I found out I had lost Samantha at the 13 week mark. Of course, she only measured in at 9 weeks so she'd probably been gone sooner but I am still a little apprehensive. However, I am not having any spotting, bleeding, or cramping. Something was wrong that first pregnancy...we'll never know what, but something was wrong. After I go to my next appointment at the 15 week mark, if we hear the heartbeat and get good news, then I think I might start to be able to breathe. It feels like these next 2.5 weeks will be really long but I am certain looking back on them that it won't feel that long. We are just trusting God and waiting on Him.

~Shannon

12 weeks today

I am twelve weeks pregnant today. Crazy, right?
It is good.

I cried a lot on Sunday. A lot. But Samantha's due date has passed and so we will let that rest behind us and know that Samantha waits ahead, someday when we get to heaven.

The latest frustration is finding out the people who really care about you and accept you for you. Those people are the ones who wouldn't ask you to do something that would be emotionally unhealthy for you. I think that in society we don't put a lot of emphasis on taking care of ourselves emotionally. We talk about eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep...We don't talk about de-stressing, avoiding stressful situations, and keeping from burning out. I truly believe this is true. This means that people are not good at taking care of other people emotionally. If I tell you I am allergic to strawberries, would you tell me just to eat them anyways because they are good and if I only eat two or three it won't be a big deal? Probably not...so why, oh why, would you tell me to do something else that would be emotionally harmful and stressful to me and my baby, and could lead to being sick....? Not sure I get it.....

I am so learning, slowly but surely, who the people in my life are that I can trust.

My five best friends become more and more precious to me each day.....S, R, J, E, and B....They get me, they accept me for me...and would respect me if I told them something was going to be stressful. My sister too...I have had to tell her no before, or disagreed with her, but we don't fight and fight...We can have a healthy disagreement because she cares about me.

The stronger I get, as a person, the less some people will like me. I think I'm getting to be okay with that. I like me. I'm okay with me. I know who I am and what I can handle....I know how to say no...which is important when you have a child. I think it's okay that I'm strong.

Strength is about knowing who you are and what you stand for and not giving into anything less.......

I also don't make decisions without prayer and guidance...for wisdom. Don't doubt me on that. You may only see one piece of the puzzle but that's not my fault.

I am strong. I am.

I am a strong mom today who is taking care of a baby with a strong heartbeat and I have a strong husband who has a good sense of right and wrong and won't settle for anything less. He protects and defends his family and I feel blessed. For all our struggles, Chris and I are strong, and daily we get stronger.

Thank you, Lord, for strength and for providing for our family!

~Shannon

Thank you, Lord, for strength

April 3rd....babies....missing you

April 3rd is just around the bend.

I wish I could sleep through the next two days.....

I miss Samantha...........................................

I want my baby. NOW.

I want Sprout too....In October.

I want Dominic and Noah.

I know realistically that isn't possible....

but reality has never..............

I feel like I'm sliding back into that darkness that I haven't felt since right after losing Samantha and the D&C and all that................

I hate this....

I HATE IT...I want to scream and cry...

it's not fair.

pregnancy update

I am almost eleven and a half weeks pregnant.

I have heard the heartbeat on the Doppler in the office.

We've seen the baby on ultrasound.

We've been purchasing little things here and there, as well as pulling out 'hand me downs' from our other babies.

I've had tinges of spotting but nothing abnormal and all has been confirmed to be well.

I am almost done with the first trimester.

My due date is October 18th.

We haven't really accepted that this one might work out yet. In time, we will. I think we are still a little shell shocked.

That's a heads up.

~Shannon