I have been really reflective today. I have also been filled with peace and joy. God is so good. I love that I can feel His healing.
Today, I have been reflecting on Mary's visit to Elizabeth and Mary's song. These accounts in Luke are particularly touching to me this year and I think it's because of my experience with Samantha Peep. We focused on them yesterday in church and they have just spoken tremendously to me.
From Luke 1: 39-56:
Mary Visits Elizabeth
39 At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, 40 where she entered Zechariah’s home and greeted Elizabeth. 41 When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. 42 In a loud voice she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! 43 But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? 44 As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. 45 Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”
Mary’s Song
46 And Mary said:
“My soul glorifies the Lord
47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49 for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51 He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52 He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53 He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55 to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as he promised our ancestors.”
56 Mary stayed with Elizabeth for about three months and then returned home.
I read such joy in Mary's song. She is filled with the joy of the Lord and as I read what she proclaims, I find that of course she is filled with such joy! The Lord is good! He is faithful and awesome. He keeps His promises. Why not praise Him? Mary is not afraid because of being an unwed mother or her responsibilities. She is content to praise our Lord. Now, I don't come from a Catholic background and I don't believe that Mary is sinless but in the same way, I have learned from Job, I am learning from Mary how to fear, revere, and rejoice in the Lord.
God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!
~Shannon
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thankful
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Today it is a struggle to be thankful but at the same time, it comes easy to be thankful when I reflect on the blessings that I have been given. I am loved by many, in the past year blessed by Samantha, and have been blessed by God's grace and mercy and eternal love. Could it be better than that? That's when I start to find myself being ungrateful. I want my baby! But I trust that God has truly taken care of all things and has kept His promise to provide for us and so I can't really be mad. I just can't. God is so good.
Last night, Chris and I celebrated. We enjoyed an awesome turkey breast roasted in the oven, green bean and corn casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and jello (with mandarin oranges and marshmallows in it!) and it was neat for me to make our first "classic" holiday meal. We were pretty excited. Then we played Madden football on the PS2 and played Lions versus Colts. We were recreating the tradition my family has every year of watching the Lions on TV....losing! In true fashion, Chris and I lost to the Colts...Our phrase throughout the game was "It's okay that we are losing. We are the Lions. The Lions are SUPPOSED to lose. Happy Thanksgiving." He he....Good times. Then we started writing some music and lyrics together. It was pretty exciting when we actually kind of got some songs going. We are doing this just for fun as a spiritual worship creative activity that the two of us can engage in. It's neat though.
Today, I missed Samantha. I think it's hard for me not to be pregnant right now. With the celebratory nature of things around us, I want to be overjoyed. And don't get me wrong, I am blessed but I am still sad too! I suppose that is understandable. Yesterday, I heard an awesome reminder on K-love that Jesus was called a 'man of sorrows' and that He suffered many things. That reassured me. After all, I'm not grieving as one who is lost but grieving with hope. It is only human that I would miss my child.
Blessings and Happy Thanksgiving!
Shannon
Last night, Chris and I celebrated. We enjoyed an awesome turkey breast roasted in the oven, green bean and corn casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and jello (with mandarin oranges and marshmallows in it!) and it was neat for me to make our first "classic" holiday meal. We were pretty excited. Then we played Madden football on the PS2 and played Lions versus Colts. We were recreating the tradition my family has every year of watching the Lions on TV....losing! In true fashion, Chris and I lost to the Colts...Our phrase throughout the game was "It's okay that we are losing. We are the Lions. The Lions are SUPPOSED to lose. Happy Thanksgiving." He he....Good times. Then we started writing some music and lyrics together. It was pretty exciting when we actually kind of got some songs going. We are doing this just for fun as a spiritual worship creative activity that the two of us can engage in. It's neat though.
Today, I missed Samantha. I think it's hard for me not to be pregnant right now. With the celebratory nature of things around us, I want to be overjoyed. And don't get me wrong, I am blessed but I am still sad too! I suppose that is understandable. Yesterday, I heard an awesome reminder on K-love that Jesus was called a 'man of sorrows' and that He suffered many things. That reassured me. After all, I'm not grieving as one who is lost but grieving with hope. It is only human that I would miss my child.
Blessings and Happy Thanksgiving!
Shannon
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Weekend of blessings
I am certain that I will write more about the past weekend in the next few days but right now, I want to say that God is so good and He truly blessed me on our trip to Nashville for the youth workers convention that Chris and I attended with three others from our church. First of all, B, D, and C are all fantastic Godly women. They are loving and sweet and awesome people! So I shouldn't have been nervous....but God truly blessed our time together and He blessed our conversation. I have to say that this weekend was very therapeutic for me. Here's some ways I was blessed:
1) Bonding...truly bonding with C, B, and D. B and D are my age too and that is such a blessing. I have been praying for godly women to come into my life that I could develop deep friendships with. This and they are truly an answer to my prayers and some of the prayers that my best friends prayed for me too.
2) Prayer. Oh my goodness, prayer. I spent so much time in God's presence this weekend and it was incredible. I walked through fifteen stations of the cross on a contemplative prayer journey. I checked out Taize (a monastic reflective worship style) worship which is an incredible contemplative meditation and prayer worship time. I did prayer through creative art and prayed in different body positions. It was a blessing to me to simply spend time God in many different ways but to simply focus on Him. I am seriously thinking about turning our basement into a prayer chapel. I think that it would be incredible to have a cozy and relaxing place to just purposefully go and spend time with Jesus. You know?
3) Worship. It. Was. Incredible. Starfield was the group that I liked the most in their style of leading worship. We poured out our hearts and really sang how much we just, quite simply, loved Jesus because He is awesome and incredible. When I worship, it's also a blessing to me to believe that Samantha is in the very presence of God and that she is worshipping Him too! I can't wait until heaven calls. When I am worshipping, I realize that is what I made to do. There's no other time I feel this way.
4) Marital growth. Chris and I had some really good, reflective talks and grew tremendously.
5) Laughter...oh the stories that I will laugh about for years!
Anyhow, that's all I have time to write about right now but it was a fantasmic weekend. God is so good. He is so faithful. D, B, C, and Chris, thank you being joyful, tender, healing balm to my wounded spirit. Thank you letting God use you. I am so blessed!
(Love,)
~Shannon
1) Bonding...truly bonding with C, B, and D. B and D are my age too and that is such a blessing. I have been praying for godly women to come into my life that I could develop deep friendships with. This and they are truly an answer to my prayers and some of the prayers that my best friends prayed for me too.
2) Prayer. Oh my goodness, prayer. I spent so much time in God's presence this weekend and it was incredible. I walked through fifteen stations of the cross on a contemplative prayer journey. I checked out Taize (a monastic reflective worship style) worship which is an incredible contemplative meditation and prayer worship time. I did prayer through creative art and prayed in different body positions. It was a blessing to me to simply spend time God in many different ways but to simply focus on Him. I am seriously thinking about turning our basement into a prayer chapel. I think that it would be incredible to have a cozy and relaxing place to just purposefully go and spend time with Jesus. You know?
3) Worship. It. Was. Incredible. Starfield was the group that I liked the most in their style of leading worship. We poured out our hearts and really sang how much we just, quite simply, loved Jesus because He is awesome and incredible. When I worship, it's also a blessing to me to believe that Samantha is in the very presence of God and that she is worshipping Him too! I can't wait until heaven calls. When I am worshipping, I realize that is what I made to do. There's no other time I feel this way.
4) Marital growth. Chris and I had some really good, reflective talks and grew tremendously.
5) Laughter...oh the stories that I will laugh about for years!
Anyhow, that's all I have time to write about right now but it was a fantasmic weekend. God is so good. He is so faithful. D, B, C, and Chris, thank you being joyful, tender, healing balm to my wounded spirit. Thank you letting God use you. I am so blessed!
(Love,)
~Shannon
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Agitation
I am feeling slightly stressed. I have been doing really well lately but lately I have spent a lot of time at home. Well, tonight we are leaving to go out of town and I am really agitated about this. I know, logically, that I will have a good time. We are going to a conference and going with three others from our church whom we love but I am still stressed. Please pray for me as this will be a growing weekend. I also feel away from Samantha because all her things are at home. Maybe I should take something with me. Anyhow, prayers are appreciated.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Beautiful words from my sister
Sometimes love lasts a moment.
Sometimes love lasts a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.
Still missing you, Samantha. ♥
~B.N.M.
I had to copy that from my sister's Facebook. She put this up last week and I thought it was the sweetest, incredibly beautiful, and yet concise message. I miss Samantha still. I always will.
I love you, Brit.
~Shannon
Sometimes love lasts a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.
Still missing you, Samantha. ♥
~B.N.M.
I had to copy that from my sister's Facebook. She put this up last week and I thought it was the sweetest, incredibly beautiful, and yet concise message. I miss Samantha still. I always will.
I love you, Brit.
~Shannon
Who Will Love Me For Me?
This morning I was blessed to hear JJ Heller's song Love Me on the radio. The lyrics touched my heart:
He cries in the corner
Where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night
Dear God, won't you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me
What love
Love really means
Her office is shrinking
a little each day
She's the woman
Whose husband has run away
She'll go the gym
After working today
Maybe if she was thinner
He would've stayed
And she says
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
Love really means
He's waiting to die
as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell
who regrets what's he done
He utters a cry
from the depths of his soul
Oh, Lord, forgive me,
I want to go home
And he heard a voice
Somewhere deep inside
And it said
I know you've murdered
I know you've lied
I have watched you suffer
All of your life
And now that you'll listen
I'll, I'll tell you that I
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give the love
The love that you never knew
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give the love
The love that you never knew
Is that not a beautiful song/story? It so touched my heart. Even though I am blessed to have many people love me, I believe that our humanly love can never compare to the perfect unfailing love of God. He loves us so simply just because we are His. Could it be more simple and innocent? How wonderful is that.
Three things struck me as I listened to that song. First, that God loves me immensely and intensely. He loves me in spite of my wrong and not for my right. He loves me with the little I've accomplished and not for what is to come. He just loves ME. Me. Simply me. This was such a beautiful blessing for me to realize because I spend so much time trying to be loved. Love doesn't try. It just does. It brought me such joy to realize that.
The next thing I realized is how I have failed my poor husband. I used to ask him why he loved me. I wasn't this size or pretty enough. I wasn't as smart as some people or as funny as someone else. I'm clumsy, I'm careless, and I'm hyper at times. How could he love me? He used to answer....I just love YOU, honey, I don't know the specifics but I do and I will love you forever. I actually used to get frustrated with that. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me with makeup or that he preferred the au naturale look. I wanted him to say I like your natural blonde hair or I prefer it dyed. I wanted him to say that he liked me dressed up or that he liked my sense of style. Or that maybe, just maybe, it was my intelligence or wit or something specific! He has told me what attracted him to me in the first place but other than that, he just says he loves ME...the culmination of all that I am. This morning I realized how much I loved him for that. He has never judged me on a size. He likes me in my glasses or my contacts. He doesn't care if I screw up at work or have a bad day. When I am laughing or crying, his love is generally consistent. Now, I am not saying my husband is a perfect man (sorry, honey!) but he is a good man and I just realized how amazing and important that unconditional general love that he has for me is. Because when I was listening to this song, I realized how badly we want people to love us for us. Then I realized that God and Chris loved me that way and I was so blessed. I am certain that others have or try to love me like that too but I am so reassured by their love for me as me.
The last thing this song reminded me of was that Samantha Peep was loved simply because she was. She existed, she was our daughter, and that was all that we needed to love her. I don't know what she looked like, what her personality woud have been like, what she would have or could have done, but I know this. She was God's child and His awesome and incredible creation of life and quite simply, that calls for love. I hope to remember to love like that always, especially with our future children. To love them just because.
Who will love you for you? Jesus already does. Enough to die for you. Could He do more than that?
I will love you for you, too, if you need to be truly loved.
~Shannon
He cries in the corner
Where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night
Dear God, won't you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me
What love
Love really means
Her office is shrinking
a little each day
She's the woman
Whose husband has run away
She'll go the gym
After working today
Maybe if she was thinner
He would've stayed
And she says
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
Love really means
He's waiting to die
as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell
who regrets what's he done
He utters a cry
from the depths of his soul
Oh, Lord, forgive me,
I want to go home
And he heard a voice
Somewhere deep inside
And it said
I know you've murdered
I know you've lied
I have watched you suffer
All of your life
And now that you'll listen
I'll, I'll tell you that I
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give the love
The love that you never knew
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give the love
The love that you never knew
Is that not a beautiful song/story? It so touched my heart. Even though I am blessed to have many people love me, I believe that our humanly love can never compare to the perfect unfailing love of God. He loves us so simply just because we are His. Could it be more simple and innocent? How wonderful is that.
Three things struck me as I listened to that song. First, that God loves me immensely and intensely. He loves me in spite of my wrong and not for my right. He loves me with the little I've accomplished and not for what is to come. He just loves ME. Me. Simply me. This was such a beautiful blessing for me to realize because I spend so much time trying to be loved. Love doesn't try. It just does. It brought me such joy to realize that.
The next thing I realized is how I have failed my poor husband. I used to ask him why he loved me. I wasn't this size or pretty enough. I wasn't as smart as some people or as funny as someone else. I'm clumsy, I'm careless, and I'm hyper at times. How could he love me? He used to answer....I just love YOU, honey, I don't know the specifics but I do and I will love you forever. I actually used to get frustrated with that. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me with makeup or that he preferred the au naturale look. I wanted him to say I like your natural blonde hair or I prefer it dyed. I wanted him to say that he liked me dressed up or that he liked my sense of style. Or that maybe, just maybe, it was my intelligence or wit or something specific! He has told me what attracted him to me in the first place but other than that, he just says he loves ME...the culmination of all that I am. This morning I realized how much I loved him for that. He has never judged me on a size. He likes me in my glasses or my contacts. He doesn't care if I screw up at work or have a bad day. When I am laughing or crying, his love is generally consistent. Now, I am not saying my husband is a perfect man (sorry, honey!) but he is a good man and I just realized how amazing and important that unconditional general love that he has for me is. Because when I was listening to this song, I realized how badly we want people to love us for us. Then I realized that God and Chris loved me that way and I was so blessed. I am certain that others have or try to love me like that too but I am so reassured by their love for me as me.
The last thing this song reminded me of was that Samantha Peep was loved simply because she was. She existed, she was our daughter, and that was all that we needed to love her. I don't know what she looked like, what her personality woud have been like, what she would have or could have done, but I know this. She was God's child and His awesome and incredible creation of life and quite simply, that calls for love. I hope to remember to love like that always, especially with our future children. To love them just because.
Who will love you for you? Jesus already does. Enough to die for you. Could He do more than that?
I will love you for you, too, if you need to be truly loved.
~Shannon
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Manageable Tears
Manageable tears. Is that a strange title for my post? Oh well...it will make sense by the end of this if you read it. Last night, tears came. They were not filled with as much pain and emotion as they were right after I miscarried. No, these tears felt manageable. What led to these tears?
Chris's friend Brian called us last night to tell that a local Christian radio station had a female pastor on talking about miscarriages and that we might want to tune into it. We opted to do just that. Sitting on the couch in our living room, we caught the last five minutes of a broadcast about the pain that miscarriage often causes and how that pain lingers even when people forget about it. We also listened to a woman who had been through a miscarriage beautifully and poignantly tell something that blessed her. She so reflected on my heart by saying what happens when we miscarry is that we wonder about our baby and salvation and the relationship God had with our unborn child. She talked about Psalms where it says that we knit together in the womb and also how we are sinful from conception. The part that blessed me the most, though, was when she referenced the Gospel and when John (still unborn, inside Elizabeth) leapt with the working of the Holy Spirit when he recognized that Jesus was present inside of Mary. While I had been aware of this passage before and it had brought me comfort, it significantly blessed me when this woman shared that this tiny unborn baby had the ability to respond to the workings of the Holy Spirit and to realize that God had done something majestic and wonderful! Baby John was able to respond to the Lord from within the womb. My sweet Samantha (as well as other unborn children!) can certainly know Jesus. The woman on the radio wrapped up her conversation by saying that the God who knit them in their mother's womb is certainly the God of these babies and we can entrust them to Him. It was such a beautiful and reassuring feeling. Certainly, I still miss Samantha, however, I am finding more and more peace as I process. I love knowing, too, that she is ahead of me. I am not leaving her behind, rather she is at the end of my life and when I get to heaven, she'll be there. She's just ahead of me.
As we neared the end of the broadcast, my deep thoughts turned to tears. I wept but they were manageable tears. They were sorrow mingled with joy and that was okay. I felt God's presence right there and it was okay.
I'm okay. I will be okay. God is so good. He has always kept His promises. I praise Him for being the awesome God that He is!
~Shannon
Chris's friend Brian called us last night to tell that a local Christian radio station had a female pastor on talking about miscarriages and that we might want to tune into it. We opted to do just that. Sitting on the couch in our living room, we caught the last five minutes of a broadcast about the pain that miscarriage often causes and how that pain lingers even when people forget about it. We also listened to a woman who had been through a miscarriage beautifully and poignantly tell something that blessed her. She so reflected on my heart by saying what happens when we miscarry is that we wonder about our baby and salvation and the relationship God had with our unborn child. She talked about Psalms where it says that we knit together in the womb and also how we are sinful from conception. The part that blessed me the most, though, was when she referenced the Gospel and when John (still unborn, inside Elizabeth) leapt with the working of the Holy Spirit when he recognized that Jesus was present inside of Mary. While I had been aware of this passage before and it had brought me comfort, it significantly blessed me when this woman shared that this tiny unborn baby had the ability to respond to the workings of the Holy Spirit and to realize that God had done something majestic and wonderful! Baby John was able to respond to the Lord from within the womb. My sweet Samantha (as well as other unborn children!) can certainly know Jesus. The woman on the radio wrapped up her conversation by saying that the God who knit them in their mother's womb is certainly the God of these babies and we can entrust them to Him. It was such a beautiful and reassuring feeling. Certainly, I still miss Samantha, however, I am finding more and more peace as I process. I love knowing, too, that she is ahead of me. I am not leaving her behind, rather she is at the end of my life and when I get to heaven, she'll be there. She's just ahead of me.
As we neared the end of the broadcast, my deep thoughts turned to tears. I wept but they were manageable tears. They were sorrow mingled with joy and that was okay. I felt God's presence right there and it was okay.
I'm okay. I will be okay. God is so good. He has always kept His promises. I praise Him for being the awesome God that He is!
~Shannon
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Marriage blessings
I love my husband. He promised he'd stick by me and never leave me when we were married. He has kept his word and I love him for it. I am so blessed. I have to remember that God has given me so many good things! Thank you, Christopher, for not just sticking it out with me but also loving me these past eight weeks. It means more than you will ever know. I am blessed.
And thank you, Lord, for blessing our marriage. We are only as strong as we are because you are our third cord. You are an awesome God. Keep growing us for your will.
~Shannon
The gift of laughter
Last night and this morning, God gave me a gift. The gift of laughter. I think between last night and this morning, I have laughed more, and harder than I have in the past eight weeks. I had an appointment with J last night. She is such a blessing to me. God is good.
After my appointment, however, I had a little adventure. Somehow I went the wrong way on the highway! I went north instead of south. Instead of being half an hour to get home, it took me an hour and a half! I didn't realize what I had done until I had gone twenty miles the wrong direction. I've been doing that kind of thing quite regularly lately. My concentration is not the greatest! However, when I realized what I had done, instead of crying, I laughed it off. I was talking to one of my best friends S on the phone at the time. After I got off the phone with her and turned around, I listened to some worship music and just spent some time soaking in the goodness of God. I was a little frustrated but I didn't let it get to me.
When I got home, I prepared dinner. S had said her and A were having chicken fajitas which sounded good so I ended up making chicken and black bean tacos. It worked out well. Chris came home and we had a really good dinner. We had a lot of fun teasing and laughing. Even at bedtime, Chris was a riot! His sense of humor was turned on high! He had me giggling like crazy! Then I'd say things like "You're so funny....honey!" which rhymed and I'd laugh harder! I laughed like a small child. It was wonderful. Then we slept....when I got up this morning, I was in a great mood and so was he. We laughed more and more as I got ready and even while he was dropping me off, we were laughing still! He told me last night that I was impish. I was like "I'm impish like a little elf!" This morning I was certainly feeling impish. Here's a photo of me that screams impish!
Anyhow, in the midst of this laughter, I thought of Samantha but for the first time (thank you, Lord!) there wasn't pain attached. I just thought of how much I loved her and how glad I was that God had given her to me even though I never held her here. There's a vast heaven and eternity with Samantha in it that waits for me. Someday I'll get there. For now, I'm learning to be content in the moment. So I thought of Samantha when I looked at a lovely picture of her and Jesus made for me by my dear friend B. But I just smiled. Then when we passed the hospital where I had the D&C, I wasn't sad. I was in one of my laughing moments and I thought how glad I was, even though I had miscarried, that God had given me Samantha, and that He was using this for His glory. I am content to be His and glorify Him because I know that I am nothing without Him!
Praise God, for turning mourning into joy! Thank you for laughter, Lord! You are so good. You are faithful.
~Shannon
After my appointment, however, I had a little adventure. Somehow I went the wrong way on the highway! I went north instead of south. Instead of being half an hour to get home, it took me an hour and a half! I didn't realize what I had done until I had gone twenty miles the wrong direction. I've been doing that kind of thing quite regularly lately. My concentration is not the greatest! However, when I realized what I had done, instead of crying, I laughed it off. I was talking to one of my best friends S on the phone at the time. After I got off the phone with her and turned around, I listened to some worship music and just spent some time soaking in the goodness of God. I was a little frustrated but I didn't let it get to me.
When I got home, I prepared dinner. S had said her and A were having chicken fajitas which sounded good so I ended up making chicken and black bean tacos. It worked out well. Chris came home and we had a really good dinner. We had a lot of fun teasing and laughing. Even at bedtime, Chris was a riot! His sense of humor was turned on high! He had me giggling like crazy! Then I'd say things like "You're so funny....honey!" which rhymed and I'd laugh harder! I laughed like a small child. It was wonderful. Then we slept....when I got up this morning, I was in a great mood and so was he. We laughed more and more as I got ready and even while he was dropping me off, we were laughing still! He told me last night that I was impish. I was like "I'm impish like a little elf!" This morning I was certainly feeling impish. Here's a photo of me that screams impish!
Anyhow, in the midst of this laughter, I thought of Samantha but for the first time (thank you, Lord!) there wasn't pain attached. I just thought of how much I loved her and how glad I was that God had given her to me even though I never held her here. There's a vast heaven and eternity with Samantha in it that waits for me. Someday I'll get there. For now, I'm learning to be content in the moment. So I thought of Samantha when I looked at a lovely picture of her and Jesus made for me by my dear friend B. But I just smiled. Then when we passed the hospital where I had the D&C, I wasn't sad. I was in one of my laughing moments and I thought how glad I was, even though I had miscarried, that God had given me Samantha, and that He was using this for His glory. I am content to be His and glorify Him because I know that I am nothing without Him!
Praise God, for turning mourning into joy! Thank you for laughter, Lord! You are so good. You are faithful.
~Shannon
Monday, November 15, 2010
Saturday Night Live (but not SNL)
It was Saturday Night Live but not SNL. What do I mean by that? Well, after having a really good Friday and Saturday so far, Saturday night arrived. I think there was an omen that I was going to have a meltdown when I felt inspired to cook dinner--INDIAN inspired style. We like Indian food in restaurants but haven't really figured it out at home. Anyhow, I made this perch (fish) and broccoli dish with lots of curry and was planning on serving it over pasta. I know, I know, true Indian should go with rice, right? Well, I was Shannon Schroeder, chef of Creative Cooking at Home, a new show premiered on Food Network. Well, at least in my head. Unfortunately in real life, we had to eat my creative cooking which turned out to be absolutely disgusting! I tried to pretend I liked it in hopes that Chris would like it! Haha! That did not happen. Anyhow, my only saving grace was that I had saved some of the pasta noodles when I realized there was a possibility that we wouldn't like the fish "gunk". So I took the plain noodles and buttered them and put Italian seasoning on them. We finished our salads and noodles and there were no remnants of the tragedy other than the curry smell that penetrated our home for the rest of the weekend.
I feel the need to intercede and tell everyone that in general, I'm a really good cook. But don't ask me to cook Indian and don't ask me to bake. Ovens and I do not get along. However, having said that, I will now continue on with my adventures.
Saturday after dinner, we were sitting in the living room. I was looking at the Samantha Peep coffee table. I call it that because it's covered in Samantha's things. I was doing relatively well despite the dinner adventure. I thought that perhaps I was ready to pack up her things. So I started doing that, just randomly, out of the blue. Chris looks me and is like "Honey? What are you doing?" and I'm like "I think I'm ready to pack up her things." Now here's the part that makes me laugh at myself a little. Why did I not think this would be difficult? I thought it would be easy and that is why I laugh. Because now I'm like...silly me, why did I think it would be easy? At the time though, it didn't seem that way. So I put the cards into an oversized envelope I'd decorated. Then all of a sudden, BAM...the tears came....and came...and I sobbed. Chris held me for a long time. I cried and cried and cried. Finally I got composed a little. I decided that I'd done enough that night and that it was good enough that I had even thought about packing up her things and had started. That was tough. But I did it! I'm stronger than I think.
Then....God pulled another surprise on me. I got a phone call from R, who is one of my best friends. R and I chatted for a minute and I asked what was new with her and she told me she had exciting news. It was at that moment that I then realized that she was pregnant. She told me she was about eight weeks along when I asked. I was so happy for her, I really was. But then I got off the phone and I sobbed hysterically. I had already been fragile and I was so angry and so hurt and so sad. I was not mad at R (happy for her!) but at God. Could His timing have been worse? Couldn't He know that this was not the right time? I wished I hadn't asked how far along she was. Eight weeks ago, I lost Samantha and eight weeks ago, she got a baby. I can't be jealous. I have to trust that this is God's will. I cried and cried and cried until I finally cried myself to exhaustion and even though it was only eight-thirty PM, I was so tired and went to bed. I slept for eleven hours.
When I awoke, I felt a little better but not much. I had to go and teach Sunday School (a lesson on hell) and that was difficult. However, had I not been needed to teach, I wouldn't have been at church yesterday and I think God wanted me there. Two wonderful women at my church, J and S, were such a comfort to me just being in there presence. S sat with me and I wasn't alone even though Chris was at work and J was behind me. Their hugs and comforting words gave me the tender love I needed right then and there and I knew that God hadn't forgotten me and I knew that how I felt wasn't because He didn't care.
I enjoyed worshipping Sunday and I was reminded again while I was enthralled by Jesus and His great sacrifice that it is not all about me. No, it's all about Him and I have to be reminded of and convicted by that thought every single day because we live a world where it's so easy to become self-centered, self-reliant, and self-consumed. I don't want to live in that world. I want to continue striving to glorify God. It's not all about me. It's not even all about sweet Samantha, though she is a blessing from God. No, it is all about the baby who came at Christmas time, who left His splendor willingly, and came to one day die to save us. When I remember that, it puts it all in perspective and I know that a God that loves me that much would never hurt me. As my dear friend E always says "God is love. To be anything other than love would go against His very nature." I love to reflect on that. God is love. He is good. He loves me and He promises to make it all work for good.
This morning, on my way into work, I was listening to K-love (check them out! awesome Christian radio station all around the nation) and I heard Mark Schulz's song He Will Carry Me. It's a beautiful song, one that I have loved for a long time. However, the lyrics especially stood out to me today, having had one of those bittersweet weekends. Here's the words:
I call
You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You're strong
I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still you're with me
And even though I'm walking through
the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
I know I'm broken
But you alone can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me
And even though I'm walking through
the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
whose love will comfort me
When all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I never have before
You never said it would be easy
But you said you'd see me through the storm
And even though I'm walking through
the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
whose love will comfort me
When all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
I praise you, Lord, because I know that you have carried me all my life, even while I carried Samantha, and after she went to you. I trust that you will continue to carry me. Lord, heal my mind with your peace and bring your strength when I am weary. Lord, I pray that you would remind me that you have always kept your promises and that this time will be no different. You never said it would be easy but you have seen me through. I praise you for that. I love you, Jesus.
Whatever you are facing today, remember He will carry you.
~Shannon
I feel the need to intercede and tell everyone that in general, I'm a really good cook. But don't ask me to cook Indian and don't ask me to bake. Ovens and I do not get along. However, having said that, I will now continue on with my adventures.
Saturday after dinner, we were sitting in the living room. I was looking at the Samantha Peep coffee table. I call it that because it's covered in Samantha's things. I was doing relatively well despite the dinner adventure. I thought that perhaps I was ready to pack up her things. So I started doing that, just randomly, out of the blue. Chris looks me and is like "Honey? What are you doing?" and I'm like "I think I'm ready to pack up her things." Now here's the part that makes me laugh at myself a little. Why did I not think this would be difficult? I thought it would be easy and that is why I laugh. Because now I'm like...silly me, why did I think it would be easy? At the time though, it didn't seem that way. So I put the cards into an oversized envelope I'd decorated. Then all of a sudden, BAM...the tears came....and came...and I sobbed. Chris held me for a long time. I cried and cried and cried. Finally I got composed a little. I decided that I'd done enough that night and that it was good enough that I had even thought about packing up her things and had started. That was tough. But I did it! I'm stronger than I think.
Then....God pulled another surprise on me. I got a phone call from R, who is one of my best friends. R and I chatted for a minute and I asked what was new with her and she told me she had exciting news. It was at that moment that I then realized that she was pregnant. She told me she was about eight weeks along when I asked. I was so happy for her, I really was. But then I got off the phone and I sobbed hysterically. I had already been fragile and I was so angry and so hurt and so sad. I was not mad at R (happy for her!) but at God. Could His timing have been worse? Couldn't He know that this was not the right time? I wished I hadn't asked how far along she was. Eight weeks ago, I lost Samantha and eight weeks ago, she got a baby. I can't be jealous. I have to trust that this is God's will. I cried and cried and cried until I finally cried myself to exhaustion and even though it was only eight-thirty PM, I was so tired and went to bed. I slept for eleven hours.
When I awoke, I felt a little better but not much. I had to go and teach Sunday School (a lesson on hell) and that was difficult. However, had I not been needed to teach, I wouldn't have been at church yesterday and I think God wanted me there. Two wonderful women at my church, J and S, were such a comfort to me just being in there presence. S sat with me and I wasn't alone even though Chris was at work and J was behind me. Their hugs and comforting words gave me the tender love I needed right then and there and I knew that God hadn't forgotten me and I knew that how I felt wasn't because He didn't care.
I enjoyed worshipping Sunday and I was reminded again while I was enthralled by Jesus and His great sacrifice that it is not all about me. No, it's all about Him and I have to be reminded of and convicted by that thought every single day because we live a world where it's so easy to become self-centered, self-reliant, and self-consumed. I don't want to live in that world. I want to continue striving to glorify God. It's not all about me. It's not even all about sweet Samantha, though she is a blessing from God. No, it is all about the baby who came at Christmas time, who left His splendor willingly, and came to one day die to save us. When I remember that, it puts it all in perspective and I know that a God that loves me that much would never hurt me. As my dear friend E always says "God is love. To be anything other than love would go against His very nature." I love to reflect on that. God is love. He is good. He loves me and He promises to make it all work for good.
This morning, on my way into work, I was listening to K-love (check them out! awesome Christian radio station all around the nation) and I heard Mark Schulz's song He Will Carry Me. It's a beautiful song, one that I have loved for a long time. However, the lyrics especially stood out to me today, having had one of those bittersweet weekends. Here's the words:
I call
You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You're strong
I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still you're with me
And even though I'm walking through
the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
I know I'm broken
But you alone can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me
And even though I'm walking through
the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
whose love will comfort me
When all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I never have before
You never said it would be easy
But you said you'd see me through the storm
And even though I'm walking through
the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
whose love will comfort me
When all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
I praise you, Lord, because I know that you have carried me all my life, even while I carried Samantha, and after she went to you. I trust that you will continue to carry me. Lord, heal my mind with your peace and bring your strength when I am weary. Lord, I pray that you would remind me that you have always kept your promises and that this time will be no different. You never said it would be easy but you have seen me through. I praise you for that. I love you, Jesus.
Whatever you are facing today, remember He will carry you.
~Shannon
Time together
So here's my life update. I had a really awesome time on Friday night with my husband. We baked and frosted a cake to take to lunch with my sister-in-law and her fiance on Saturday. They had asked us to bring dessert. We had a good time baking, frosting, and sprinkling. Not that sprinkling is a word but well, you know! We watched our Netflix DVD of Bones....which was awesome! I worked on our Christmas letter and am super excited by how early I got it done! It was a really good Friday night.
Saturday we went to Max's home to have lunch with him and Heather. The double date atmosphere was super fun. We talked about wedding things and Max and Chris enjoyed Max's NERF gun which was awesome fun-tastic. I said to Heather while we were doing dishes after lunch that I liked being a grown-up with her now being a grown-up! It was neat though. This adulthood thing is still evolving and changing and growing even though I'm twenty-five. It's just so different to be in control over your own life than to rely on my parents. Not that I don't love our parents because I do! But it's just different and good. We had a great time. Then we went to a thrift store and found a couple of things we liked to help decorate our kitchen a little more. That was super exciting too!
So that was our time together that was much needed. Saturday night was a bit of an adventure though....so that will be in the next post.
~Shannon
Saturday we went to Max's home to have lunch with him and Heather. The double date atmosphere was super fun. We talked about wedding things and Max and Chris enjoyed Max's NERF gun which was awesome fun-tastic. I said to Heather while we were doing dishes after lunch that I liked being a grown-up with her now being a grown-up! It was neat though. This adulthood thing is still evolving and changing and growing even though I'm twenty-five. It's just so different to be in control over your own life than to rely on my parents. Not that I don't love our parents because I do! But it's just different and good. We had a great time. Then we went to a thrift store and found a couple of things we liked to help decorate our kitchen a little more. That was super exciting too!
So that was our time together that was much needed. Saturday night was a bit of an adventure though....so that will be in the next post.
~Shannon
Friday, November 12, 2010
Perception?
\So sometimes I get terribly perplexed by my perception. I often see myself as a highly unattractive, fat, gross person whom no one can love. When I am getting ready, I don't feel like I could be beautiful at all. However, sometimes I am surprised then, by a picture of me..that I don't think is terrible and reminded again that my perception is off. This being the case. I'm pretty sure most of you would agree that I am not an ugly ogre so quite simply and realistically, it must be my perception that is off. I think my perception of things is a huge part of what I sometimes struggle with. I can be highly unrealistic.
~Shannon
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The purple elephant in the middle of the room
Denial is like the purple elephant in the middle of the room that everyone is pretending doesn't exist. We used to say that back when I was part of our church's Celebrate Recovery group. At first, it sounds so crazy but then you realize how true it is. How often do we pretend that there is not a problem when there are obvious signs that there are? I know even I am guilty of not seeing things I don't want to see or not dealing with things I don't want to deal with. It's part of what has kept me from dealing with some of the struggles in my life. I haven't felt free to express how I feel. Instead you have to keep up an image. Why? To look good but since looks don't really matter....or shouldn't...why do that?
I am done with that. I am not going to sit quietly anymore when I am upset. I am going to tell someone. I am not going to be a victim. I will share what has happened to me and I will do something about it so that I am not keeping that hurt inside. My sister, Brittany, put it so well. She said I try to be such a joyful person but I am just keeping the hurt inside because I don't feel like complaining. It's totally true. I don't want to be negative. Sometimes I know how to share but very few people I feel like are comfortable with listening to the hard stuff.
Anyhow, a purple elephant's pretty hard to miss. Why not take a stroll over and show that elephant the way to the door. He's not going to walk out on his own so stop pretending he's not there and make space for something else in your life.
~Shannon
I am done with that. I am not going to sit quietly anymore when I am upset. I am going to tell someone. I am not going to be a victim. I will share what has happened to me and I will do something about it so that I am not keeping that hurt inside. My sister, Brittany, put it so well. She said I try to be such a joyful person but I am just keeping the hurt inside because I don't feel like complaining. It's totally true. I don't want to be negative. Sometimes I know how to share but very few people I feel like are comfortable with listening to the hard stuff.
Anyhow, a purple elephant's pretty hard to miss. Why not take a stroll over and show that elephant the way to the door. He's not going to walk out on his own so stop pretending he's not there and make space for something else in your life.
~Shannon
A bit of a respite
I am happy to announce that even though Tuesday through Wednesday afternoon things were an emotional adventure, by last night, I had settled back more into me. I almost swear that I can feel my medication kicking in and stabilizing my emotions. In fact today, I feel better than I have felt any day since the miscarriage. That's crazy but awesome good! God is so good!
Last night, we went to a youth group party. Talk about fun! It was a costume party. Chris borrowed a Darth Vader costume from his dad. He asked if I wanted to borrow Princess Leia...I was like not so much! I would much rather be Padame and also because I am well-endowed, store costumes usually don't fit my chest well! Oh well! I went to the dollar store and had a super fun time picking out fairy wings, fake flowers, and some sort of ivy garland. I wore a white top and white sweater and put on the green wings, stuffed the fake flowers in my hair. I put the garland around my neck and just draped it down. I painted my face/made up my face and eyes with lots of bright colors and topped it all off with glitter. I was a garden fairy!!!! It was super fun for me. I needed something fun like that to focus on to get my mood back on track I think.
At the party, things went fine, and afterward, we actually did okay. Driving gave Chris and I the opportunity to talk and I was able to explain things from perspective and why I've been shutting down these past few days. I was also able to see things from his angle. I was able to share how he could help me because he feels helpless which I think causes extra tension on us. Somewhere deep inside, I do believe that man loves me, but I fight so hard to accept that! I can be so darn difficult sometimes....I get frustrated with myself. I think though that J is the right person to help. Crazy C whom I was seeing before J was really not helping! Probably actually made things worse! So J is a blessing.
If you see me and I have red marker on my arms, don't be appalled. It means that instead of hurting myself, I drew on myself...and while that might seem crazy it's still healthier and better than cutting. Hopefully I will get to a point where I don't ever want to do that again!!!
~Shannon
Last night, we went to a youth group party. Talk about fun! It was a costume party. Chris borrowed a Darth Vader costume from his dad. He asked if I wanted to borrow Princess Leia...I was like not so much! I would much rather be Padame and also because I am well-endowed, store costumes usually don't fit my chest well! Oh well! I went to the dollar store and had a super fun time picking out fairy wings, fake flowers, and some sort of ivy garland. I wore a white top and white sweater and put on the green wings, stuffed the fake flowers in my hair. I put the garland around my neck and just draped it down. I painted my face/made up my face and eyes with lots of bright colors and topped it all off with glitter. I was a garden fairy!!!! It was super fun for me. I needed something fun like that to focus on to get my mood back on track I think.
At the party, things went fine, and afterward, we actually did okay. Driving gave Chris and I the opportunity to talk and I was able to explain things from perspective and why I've been shutting down these past few days. I was also able to see things from his angle. I was able to share how he could help me because he feels helpless which I think causes extra tension on us. Somewhere deep inside, I do believe that man loves me, but I fight so hard to accept that! I can be so darn difficult sometimes....I get frustrated with myself. I think though that J is the right person to help. Crazy C whom I was seeing before J was really not helping! Probably actually made things worse! So J is a blessing.
If you see me and I have red marker on my arms, don't be appalled. It means that instead of hurting myself, I drew on myself...and while that might seem crazy it's still healthier and better than cutting. Hopefully I will get to a point where I don't ever want to do that again!!!
~Shannon
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Meltdowns
No lies. I am just going to tell it like it is. Last night, I had a total meltdown. Many of you know I struggle with post traumatic stress due to something (or things) difficult (of a sexual nature) that happened to me when I was teenager. Many of you don't know that. Now you do. It was this time of year that it occurred and I have a lot of issues with flashbacks and emotional struggles. Last night was no exception. I had a big inspection at work yesterday and while that went well, it had been a stressful day with not a lot of sleep. What you may not realize is that even when I'm doing quite well, I'm only one step away from not doing well. There is no straw that broke the camel's back situation. Quite simply, one straw and I'm broken. I am emotionally fragile, functioning since the miscarriage, but still dealing with quite a bit of emotional circumstances.
So last night, Chris comes home from work. It's an early day for him. He's home around 4:30 PM. That's fine and dandy except he's had a rough day and is burned out. He is not mean to me but he is not exactly joyful either. After an hour of silence in our house, I start to spaz. I want to hurt myself. I take a walk. It doesn't help. We get into a bit of a disagreement, I head upstairs, and finally, I cut myself. I've wanted to do this for an hour and a half. I can't hold off any longer. I don't cut myself often anymore. It's not like what it was when I was a teenager. The problem is that I tend to alternate between cutting and purging. I need to try to break the eating disorder as well as the self-injury habit. I know that. Anyhow, I make a few lines across my upper forearm. I set down the blade I'm using and then thirty seconds later Chris walks in. He says "I'm home from work" and comes to hug me. I know what's he is trying to do is say that he wanted to make his homecoming a little nicer and be more loving to me. But I look at him and now I'm hysterical. I tell him he's too late and I've already cut myself. Anyhow, this leads into a deep and long argument in which I suddenly regress to thirteen year old Shannon and then five year old Shannon. We finally get through my attitude in which I just melt down into a traumatized and terrified teenager so is covering her out of control feelings with irritability. We deal with the immediate issue at hand and I call J, my therapist, and leave her a voicemail. Then we go to bed.
This morning a whole 'nother slew of issues come up and I have a meltdown again. Chris walks out of our bedroom frustrated. I call J again and this time she answers. We agree that we need to up my medication dosage and both of us agree to get in touch with my doctor. Dr. F. agrees to double the meds and I start taking two this morning instead of one. J says that I will feel better even sooner because I've already been taking this medication so it won't take as long to take effect. I hope she's right. Granted, I am starting to feel a little better already and it's only been hours so we'll just see. There's just so much going on in my head right now. Losing Samantha, the traumatic sexual events......these can be overwhelming coupled with Seasonal Affective Disorder. My lab is in a basement too! No sunlight down here which doesn't help.
Anyhow, for now, I trek on. Please keep me in your prayers.
~Shannon
So last night, Chris comes home from work. It's an early day for him. He's home around 4:30 PM. That's fine and dandy except he's had a rough day and is burned out. He is not mean to me but he is not exactly joyful either. After an hour of silence in our house, I start to spaz. I want to hurt myself. I take a walk. It doesn't help. We get into a bit of a disagreement, I head upstairs, and finally, I cut myself. I've wanted to do this for an hour and a half. I can't hold off any longer. I don't cut myself often anymore. It's not like what it was when I was a teenager. The problem is that I tend to alternate between cutting and purging. I need to try to break the eating disorder as well as the self-injury habit. I know that. Anyhow, I make a few lines across my upper forearm. I set down the blade I'm using and then thirty seconds later Chris walks in. He says "I'm home from work" and comes to hug me. I know what's he is trying to do is say that he wanted to make his homecoming a little nicer and be more loving to me. But I look at him and now I'm hysterical. I tell him he's too late and I've already cut myself. Anyhow, this leads into a deep and long argument in which I suddenly regress to thirteen year old Shannon and then five year old Shannon. We finally get through my attitude in which I just melt down into a traumatized and terrified teenager so is covering her out of control feelings with irritability. We deal with the immediate issue at hand and I call J, my therapist, and leave her a voicemail. Then we go to bed.
This morning a whole 'nother slew of issues come up and I have a meltdown again. Chris walks out of our bedroom frustrated. I call J again and this time she answers. We agree that we need to up my medication dosage and both of us agree to get in touch with my doctor. Dr. F. agrees to double the meds and I start taking two this morning instead of one. J says that I will feel better even sooner because I've already been taking this medication so it won't take as long to take effect. I hope she's right. Granted, I am starting to feel a little better already and it's only been hours so we'll just see. There's just so much going on in my head right now. Losing Samantha, the traumatic sexual events......these can be overwhelming coupled with Seasonal Affective Disorder. My lab is in a basement too! No sunlight down here which doesn't help.
Anyhow, for now, I trek on. Please keep me in your prayers.
~Shannon
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Samantha's Story
Samantha's Story
By Shannon Schroeder
It was a warm summer Saturday
When I took the test
After two minutes passed
It was not what I'd expect
There were two lines showing
Indicating I was with child
My mind turned to panic
And my emotions went wild
I couldn't wait to tell Daddy
So I called and told him the news
He was ecstatic about the pregnancy
Delighted about you
While I was filled with fear
He promised God would provide
So I tried to be tough and brave
And prayed to our Heavenly guide
After a few ups and downs
And a few twists and turns
I was excited to have you
Despite my nausea and heartburn
But then something went wrong
And we found out you were gone
That now you live with Jesus
It left me feeling withdrawn
First my heart broken in two
Then it broke again and again
I thought I'd never feel better
But finally then
God started to heal us and
He granted us some peace
He has given us true comfort
And from our pain we are released
Now all we can do is look ahead
And until then we pray
When Mommy and Daddy, Samantha and Jesus
Will all be together that day
Beauty for Ashes
Isaiah 61: 1-3 He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
Tell me how beautiful those words are and what comfort they bring. Today I was captivated by the phrase 'beauty from ashes.' I knew that it was Biblical but yet was not certain as to where it came from in the Bible. After finding these words, written by the prophet Isaiah, I was so comforted and the Lord blessed me with His peace which surpasses all understanding. How awesome our God is! Let me tell what I've learned.
Let's start with binding up the brokenhearted, proclaiming freedom, and restoring light where there is darkness. Being one who has suffered with brokenheartedness many times in my life, I am blessed to know that God can bind that pain and suffering in the awesome work of Jesus and with His power. He can take away that brokenness and when he does, He grants us true freedom and transforms our darkness into pure light. Since losing sweet Samantha, I have begun to find true healing. There is still sadness but there is also joy and peace underneath it all. I believe that is more than okay. God allows us to be human and to feel emotions. Since we were meant to live in a perfect world, I believe grieving and sadness remind us of what we should have had and because of sin, do not yet have. After my miscarriage, there was truly darkness surrounding me. I couldn't hear the voice of Jesus but yet I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in the silence and I knew God had not abandoned me. He was just there, His silent presence comforting me more than words probably could have because sometimes we don't get answers (or we don't get them until later) no matter how much we ask for them. Seven weeks later, I now know that I was in a dark fog after the miscarriage and I believe that fog is finally gone. The fact that I now realize how dark I felt after the miscarriage shows that I am outside of that darkness. For while I was inside, I had no idea what I was trapped in. It distorted my perceptions and my views. But now, I can see clearly again.
Comforting those who mourn, providing for those who grieve...that is the next section of Isaiah that blesses my heart. I have been so blessed with my Father's provision these past few months and it reminds me that actually I have been provided for my whole life. God has never given me more than I can bear and He has been there every step of the way. In that provision, He has also blessed with me with numerous comforters and many of wise counsel. I am so blessed to have family, friends, family in Christ, and a wonderful system of pastors, my counselor, and wonderful doctors to carry me through this miscarriage. God has blessed me. So many people have shared their personal stories with me and it has truly blessed me.
Beauty for ashes. That's truly the phrase that captivated me the most. God will not only take Samantha and simply make me feel better someday. No, He will use her life and my experience to bring a beautiful testimony to His glory and to His name. I am content to sit back and wait for the beauty to emerge from the ashes. When I think of an image that illustrates this concept, I am drawn back to one of my favorite movies, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe from the Chronicles of Narnia. When young Lucy ends up in Narnia for the first time, she is drawn in by a fawn named Mr. Tumnus. She goes to his home. He plays a musical instrument while she is drinking tea and the music seems to bring little joyful dancing creatures to life in the fireplace. For me, I believe that is how life will be. There is a fire and there are ashes and right now it's painfully hot and the ashes are not pretty but when I least expect it, the ashes will be sculpted into something so beautiful and there will joyful dancing coming from the flames of my life. I hope (from an expectational standpoint) for this to come and trust that it will.
The last thing that drastically impacts me is the part where it says they will be oaks of righteousness. An oak tree is one of the strongest, most solid, trees there is in a forest. That shows me that God will strengthen me. That I will be refined in fire like silver is to remove my impurities. He will clothe me with His righteousness and make me strong. My strength will be unwavering because it comes from the Lord. How wonderful is that?
I am content to trust you, Lord. I wait upon your perfect timing and in your perfect will.
~Shannon
Tell me how beautiful those words are and what comfort they bring. Today I was captivated by the phrase 'beauty from ashes.' I knew that it was Biblical but yet was not certain as to where it came from in the Bible. After finding these words, written by the prophet Isaiah, I was so comforted and the Lord blessed me with His peace which surpasses all understanding. How awesome our God is! Let me tell what I've learned.
Let's start with binding up the brokenhearted, proclaiming freedom, and restoring light where there is darkness. Being one who has suffered with brokenheartedness many times in my life, I am blessed to know that God can bind that pain and suffering in the awesome work of Jesus and with His power. He can take away that brokenness and when he does, He grants us true freedom and transforms our darkness into pure light. Since losing sweet Samantha, I have begun to find true healing. There is still sadness but there is also joy and peace underneath it all. I believe that is more than okay. God allows us to be human and to feel emotions. Since we were meant to live in a perfect world, I believe grieving and sadness remind us of what we should have had and because of sin, do not yet have. After my miscarriage, there was truly darkness surrounding me. I couldn't hear the voice of Jesus but yet I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in the silence and I knew God had not abandoned me. He was just there, His silent presence comforting me more than words probably could have because sometimes we don't get answers (or we don't get them until later) no matter how much we ask for them. Seven weeks later, I now know that I was in a dark fog after the miscarriage and I believe that fog is finally gone. The fact that I now realize how dark I felt after the miscarriage shows that I am outside of that darkness. For while I was inside, I had no idea what I was trapped in. It distorted my perceptions and my views. But now, I can see clearly again.
Comforting those who mourn, providing for those who grieve...that is the next section of Isaiah that blesses my heart. I have been so blessed with my Father's provision these past few months and it reminds me that actually I have been provided for my whole life. God has never given me more than I can bear and He has been there every step of the way. In that provision, He has also blessed with me with numerous comforters and many of wise counsel. I am so blessed to have family, friends, family in Christ, and a wonderful system of pastors, my counselor, and wonderful doctors to carry me through this miscarriage. God has blessed me. So many people have shared their personal stories with me and it has truly blessed me.
Beauty for ashes. That's truly the phrase that captivated me the most. God will not only take Samantha and simply make me feel better someday. No, He will use her life and my experience to bring a beautiful testimony to His glory and to His name. I am content to sit back and wait for the beauty to emerge from the ashes. When I think of an image that illustrates this concept, I am drawn back to one of my favorite movies, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe from the Chronicles of Narnia. When young Lucy ends up in Narnia for the first time, she is drawn in by a fawn named Mr. Tumnus. She goes to his home. He plays a musical instrument while she is drinking tea and the music seems to bring little joyful dancing creatures to life in the fireplace. For me, I believe that is how life will be. There is a fire and there are ashes and right now it's painfully hot and the ashes are not pretty but when I least expect it, the ashes will be sculpted into something so beautiful and there will joyful dancing coming from the flames of my life. I hope (from an expectational standpoint) for this to come and trust that it will.
The last thing that drastically impacts me is the part where it says they will be oaks of righteousness. An oak tree is one of the strongest, most solid, trees there is in a forest. That shows me that God will strengthen me. That I will be refined in fire like silver is to remove my impurities. He will clothe me with His righteousness and make me strong. My strength will be unwavering because it comes from the Lord. How wonderful is that?
I am content to trust you, Lord. I wait upon your perfect timing and in your perfect will.
~Shannon
Monday, November 8, 2010
Healing
It's been almost 7 weeks (it will be 7 weeks tomorrow) since we found out about Samantha Peep's going to be with Jesus. While it was one of the most difficult times of our life, I am finding that we are indeed getting through this, time is helping, and healing is being found. However, anyone who assumes we're back to "normal" would be wrong. Normalcy is a long ways off right now but we will continue to let God heal and work on us in His perfect timing. We are convicted now, knowing that God has never and never will give us more than we can handle. We are so blessed.
It doesn't mean there won't be 'bad' days but it just means we know we are filled with more and more peace as we go on.
Thank you, Lord, for your mercies.
~Shannon
It doesn't mean there won't be 'bad' days but it just means we know we are filled with more and more peace as we go on.
Thank you, Lord, for your mercies.
~Shannon
Sunday, November 7, 2010
What I'll Miss
I've heard it said that when a parent loses a child they grieve not only what that child was but also all the possibilities. I grieve the future we would have had. In my mind, I was going to pass away first so Samantha was forever going to be in our life. Sadly, life doesn't always work out how we expect. Here's my list of what I'll miss:
1) Her birth---I was so looking forward to delivering her and holding her and looking her in the eyes and us telling her we loved her so much and we were her mommy and daddy and promising to always take care of her.
2) Her first smile
3) Her first tooth
4) Her first laugh
5) First steps
6) First words
7) Her baptism
8) Kisses and hugs
9) I love you, Mommy
10) Christmas gifts she made herself
This is too hard....I'll write more later.
~Shannon
1) Her birth---I was so looking forward to delivering her and holding her and looking her in the eyes and us telling her we loved her so much and we were her mommy and daddy and promising to always take care of her.
2) Her first smile
3) Her first tooth
4) Her first laugh
5) First steps
6) First words
7) Her baptism
8) Kisses and hugs
9) I love you, Mommy
10) Christmas gifts she made herself
This is too hard....I'll write more later.
~Shannon
Friday, November 5, 2010
Don't think for a minute
Don't think for a minute that even if I seem happy or focused on something that Samantha isn't in the back of my mind. She's always on my mind, simply a split second away from focusing on her. Don't pretend she didn't exist. She was real. I saw my baby's heartbeat. My body changed. I saw her squirm on the ultrasound. I saw how she had grown the day we found out she was gone. Samantha's so real...she just waits ahead. I remember her and I think about her always. She's the last thought before I go to bed and the first one on my mind when I wake up. And every morning, it hurts again. It's been six and a half weeks and I wonder when I'll start to feel better. If I ever won't hurt thinking about it. I just don't know.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Happy then sad then happy again
Sometimes I am so happy. I feel at least semi-normal and then I feel tears starting up. They say time makes everything easier but for me, it's also harder. Every day and the future ahead makes me realize how much of life Samantha is missing. I miss her so badly. I feel like it will be even harder after April 3, 2010. I better be pregnant by then (I feel like a small child begging God) or I am going to be so depressed. But even with other children, I will always see the gap where Samantha should have been. My sweet Peep....my little girl. I miss her. I wish I could feel her moving and growing inside of me.
It wasn't meant to be like this. We weren't supposed to live in a fallen world. We made one very bad sinful decision and corruption and death set in. Sadly this is the world we are stuck in until Jesus calls us home or returns to take us with Him.
Pressing on,
Shannon
It wasn't meant to be like this. We weren't supposed to live in a fallen world. We made one very bad sinful decision and corruption and death set in. Sadly this is the world we are stuck in until Jesus calls us home or returns to take us with Him.
Pressing on,
Shannon
I'm waiting but....I will praise you
Heavenly Father,
I'm waiting on you and your will for our lives. It's hard sometimes. But I am trusting. I wait on you, Lord. I wait and know that your will is always done. And that you are perfect. All I have is yours. All I am is yours. I am so blessed to be your child. I'm so glad you gave me life. I'm so glad you gave us Samantha and that you gave her life. We love her but we love you even more and we know that you love her even more. That's the way it should be. We know that you love us. We trust that nothing that happens to us hasn't gone through you first. We believe your promise to work all things out for our good. In my heart, I pray that you get all the glory through our lives in whatever it may be. Whether it is the healing that you offer or the good things that come from us through you, you deserve all the glory and praise because you are an awesome and amazing God. We love knowing that you take care of us and seeing what you have in store for our lives. We trust you. If you are willing, tell Samantha that her mommy and her daddy love her very much and can't wait until we are together again in heaven. It will be glorious. Thank you, Lord.
Amen....and Love, Shannon
I'm waiting on you and your will for our lives. It's hard sometimes. But I am trusting. I wait on you, Lord. I wait and know that your will is always done. And that you are perfect. All I have is yours. All I am is yours. I am so blessed to be your child. I'm so glad you gave me life. I'm so glad you gave us Samantha and that you gave her life. We love her but we love you even more and we know that you love her even more. That's the way it should be. We know that you love us. We trust that nothing that happens to us hasn't gone through you first. We believe your promise to work all things out for our good. In my heart, I pray that you get all the glory through our lives in whatever it may be. Whether it is the healing that you offer or the good things that come from us through you, you deserve all the glory and praise because you are an awesome and amazing God. We love knowing that you take care of us and seeing what you have in store for our lives. We trust you. If you are willing, tell Samantha that her mommy and her daddy love her very much and can't wait until we are together again in heaven. It will be glorious. Thank you, Lord.
Amen....and Love, Shannon
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
would have been 19 weeks along
If I was still pregnant with little Samantha....I'd be almost 19 weeks along. Almost halfway to meeting her. And if something had gone wrong then, close to the 20 week mark, might have been able to save her.
Those are the thoughts that run through my head. I have to remember that God's will is done.
I really didn't know how much I could love her. I really didn't. I am a loving person. I love my husband intensely and my closest family and dearest friends intensely but this is different. Other than Chris, I've never felt my heart pulled this hard. Guess that is how God made us.
I miss you, Samantha. Dance on a cloud and hug Jesus tight today. I'll be there soon enough....from my end, it feels like forever, but someday it'll seem only like the blink of an eye.
It's been six weeks....will I ever not dwell on this? I'm functioning and getting more back to normal but I don't feel happy.
Shannon
Those are the thoughts that run through my head. I have to remember that God's will is done.
I really didn't know how much I could love her. I really didn't. I am a loving person. I love my husband intensely and my closest family and dearest friends intensely but this is different. Other than Chris, I've never felt my heart pulled this hard. Guess that is how God made us.
I miss you, Samantha. Dance on a cloud and hug Jesus tight today. I'll be there soon enough....from my end, it feels like forever, but someday it'll seem only like the blink of an eye.
It's been six weeks....will I ever not dwell on this? I'm functioning and getting more back to normal but I don't feel happy.
Shannon
Where I'm Supposed To Be and Where Am I?
Sometimes it's hard for me to accept that this where I'm supposed to be. What do I mean by that you might ask? I mean that I am in the hands of God and at the threshold of His will. I have, especially of late, prayed that His will be done. Sometimes I question what His will is. But I know that He is good, He is right, and His way is best.
So where am I supposed to be? I am supposed to be right here where I have no control over my life, where I realize that every breath I take is by the grace of God, and that every day I wake is only by His will. I'm desperately out of control (I refer to self-control) and yet totally and completely secure.
I saw a beautiful picture of a little baby (who was born prematurely and had passed away) who was so small that he fit in the palm of his father's hand. The beauty of the picture was that I envisioned myself held in the much larger hand of my Heavenly Father. That image for me was profoundly impacting. When we are being held by our father, we are safe. We don't need to understand what's going on but simply trust.
Trust. That's where I am supposed to be. Walking by faith. It's all I can do. When people tell me I'm strong, I'm surprised because I don't feel that strong. I feel that God is carrying me and all I can do is ride along, walk that walk by faith. I'm learning daily, more and more, to trust Him. I am finding myself growing through this process and finding myself able to trust Him more and more.
This is a reflection on where I am and I'm refreshed to know that sometimes how I feel is exactly where I need to be.
Lord, convict my heart when I'm not where I need to be, and let your will be done. Give me your peace when I am anxious. Help me to trust you more and more. Lord, let my life not be mine but let it be yours.
~Shannon
So where am I supposed to be? I am supposed to be right here where I have no control over my life, where I realize that every breath I take is by the grace of God, and that every day I wake is only by His will. I'm desperately out of control (I refer to self-control) and yet totally and completely secure.
I saw a beautiful picture of a little baby (who was born prematurely and had passed away) who was so small that he fit in the palm of his father's hand. The beauty of the picture was that I envisioned myself held in the much larger hand of my Heavenly Father. That image for me was profoundly impacting. When we are being held by our father, we are safe. We don't need to understand what's going on but simply trust.
Trust. That's where I am supposed to be. Walking by faith. It's all I can do. When people tell me I'm strong, I'm surprised because I don't feel that strong. I feel that God is carrying me and all I can do is ride along, walk that walk by faith. I'm learning daily, more and more, to trust Him. I am finding myself growing through this process and finding myself able to trust Him more and more.
This is a reflection on where I am and I'm refreshed to know that sometimes how I feel is exactly where I need to be.
Lord, convict my heart when I'm not where I need to be, and let your will be done. Give me your peace when I am anxious. Help me to trust you more and more. Lord, let my life not be mine but let it be yours.
~Shannon
Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good
In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
A Testament To Our Love
Written for the most wonderful man in the entire world....my husband, Chris.
When we met just over five years ago, I had no idea what would come our way. I didn't know I would marry you someday or that the simple meeting of us as young camp counselors would lead us to falling madly and deeply in love. I knew one thing though. I knew we'd be friends...which was remarkable because you were the only man I'd ever truly felt comfortable around. And I believe that our friendship is truly the testament to our love.
Christopher, you are not only husband and my love, but my very best friend. You are the only one I want when something breaks my heart and you are the first one that I tell when something joyous enters in. You love me unconditionally despite the fact that I can be difficult or very emotional. For that, I am so grateful and blessed to be your wife and to call you my best friend.
Shortly after we met, I knew we were going to share something more than simply friendship. Sure enough shortly after we shared our first kiss, you gave me a promise ring and told me of your intent to marry me. I was awed and floored and while I was excited, was unsure of whether or not you'd be reliable. But you were...even after I'd broken up with you. You came back to me even when I had turned my back on us.
You kept your word. You bought me another beautiful ring a year and a half later and then a few months later purchased an engagement ring and you asked my father for permission to marry me. One summer day, you asked me what I'd wish for, if I had just one wish. I told you I wanted to marry you and grow old with you. As I strolled on, you touched my shoulder and turned me around to find you dropping to one knee and asking me to be in "your wedding" which was so darling. I cried and cried. You placed that special ring on my left hand. Then we rejoiced and made plans with our families and friends.
July 11, 2008, we became man and wife. We celebrated the gift of love that God has blessed us with. We united as a cord of three, intending to let God be the third person in our marriage, because we knew we couldn't do it on our own. And we finally consummated our marriage, having been waiting for a long time to do it according to His will for us. When it hurt me, you patiently loved me and comforted me until we as two were able to become truly one. We continued on in our marriage and we grew, you learned to pray for me, comfort me, and I learned how to show you that I loved you.
Even through some medical scares and struggles, you were strong. When you had to have surgery and I was so scared, you told me that this would make us stronger. You were so right. When my eating disorder flared up, and I went into some of the most difficult days and darkest times of my life, you told me I was beautiful and that you loved me just because I was me. You did the hardest things at times, when you feared for my life and health, and you put your foot down with me. You learned how to be the head of our household and I learned to submit as God had called me to do.
We celebrated our two year anniversary quickly this past summer and God blessed us in ways that we could not have imagined. He gave us a sweet child that we named Samantha. When I was terrified, you calmed my fears and warmed my heart by telling me that God would provide for us and our baby. And when my heart broke in ways that it never had before and hurt more than I knew was possible, you held me and loved me and comforted me. You were a strong and much needed spiritual head of our house in the days and weeks following. And still today, six weeks after losing our little baby, you have stood by my side and calmed me. You have comforted me. You have loved me.
Christopher, I'm sorry to say that I haven't been the kind of wife that I believe you deserve but that I am so blessed to be your wife. You know this but I'll say it again, if today were our wedding day, I'd marry you all over again. I love you. Thank you for loving me. We will get through this and someday we will enter into another season of joy. I am so blessed by you and I thank God for you...my best friend, my lover, my husband.
~Shannon
When we met just over five years ago, I had no idea what would come our way. I didn't know I would marry you someday or that the simple meeting of us as young camp counselors would lead us to falling madly and deeply in love. I knew one thing though. I knew we'd be friends...which was remarkable because you were the only man I'd ever truly felt comfortable around. And I believe that our friendship is truly the testament to our love.
Christopher, you are not only husband and my love, but my very best friend. You are the only one I want when something breaks my heart and you are the first one that I tell when something joyous enters in. You love me unconditionally despite the fact that I can be difficult or very emotional. For that, I am so grateful and blessed to be your wife and to call you my best friend.
Shortly after we met, I knew we were going to share something more than simply friendship. Sure enough shortly after we shared our first kiss, you gave me a promise ring and told me of your intent to marry me. I was awed and floored and while I was excited, was unsure of whether or not you'd be reliable. But you were...even after I'd broken up with you. You came back to me even when I had turned my back on us.
You kept your word. You bought me another beautiful ring a year and a half later and then a few months later purchased an engagement ring and you asked my father for permission to marry me. One summer day, you asked me what I'd wish for, if I had just one wish. I told you I wanted to marry you and grow old with you. As I strolled on, you touched my shoulder and turned me around to find you dropping to one knee and asking me to be in "your wedding" which was so darling. I cried and cried. You placed that special ring on my left hand. Then we rejoiced and made plans with our families and friends.
July 11, 2008, we became man and wife. We celebrated the gift of love that God has blessed us with. We united as a cord of three, intending to let God be the third person in our marriage, because we knew we couldn't do it on our own. And we finally consummated our marriage, having been waiting for a long time to do it according to His will for us. When it hurt me, you patiently loved me and comforted me until we as two were able to become truly one. We continued on in our marriage and we grew, you learned to pray for me, comfort me, and I learned how to show you that I loved you.
Even through some medical scares and struggles, you were strong. When you had to have surgery and I was so scared, you told me that this would make us stronger. You were so right. When my eating disorder flared up, and I went into some of the most difficult days and darkest times of my life, you told me I was beautiful and that you loved me just because I was me. You did the hardest things at times, when you feared for my life and health, and you put your foot down with me. You learned how to be the head of our household and I learned to submit as God had called me to do.
We celebrated our two year anniversary quickly this past summer and God blessed us in ways that we could not have imagined. He gave us a sweet child that we named Samantha. When I was terrified, you calmed my fears and warmed my heart by telling me that God would provide for us and our baby. And when my heart broke in ways that it never had before and hurt more than I knew was possible, you held me and loved me and comforted me. You were a strong and much needed spiritual head of our house in the days and weeks following. And still today, six weeks after losing our little baby, you have stood by my side and calmed me. You have comforted me. You have loved me.
Christopher, I'm sorry to say that I haven't been the kind of wife that I believe you deserve but that I am so blessed to be your wife. You know this but I'll say it again, if today were our wedding day, I'd marry you all over again. I love you. Thank you for loving me. We will get through this and someday we will enter into another season of joy. I am so blessed by you and I thank God for you...my best friend, my lover, my husband.
~Shannon
Selah's I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
VENT
Last night was good. We are very conservative so Chris and I were satisfied with the outcome of the local and national elections. We wish we could have taken majority in the Senate too but we are happy with the accomplishments.
However, having said that....it was not a good morning. We've racked up hundreds of dollars for Chris's car this week (had to get an inspection)...which was fine! We were planning on repairing some things but we weren't expecting to have any other issues. Well, of course my D&C/pregnancy costs bill came recently...and also, here's the real treat. The gas company found a leak in our yard so they turned off the gas and now we need to call a plumber to repair it. Grr.....I am so frustrated. We are going to be freezing for a little bit and also more money to spend. I'm waiting for Chris to tell me whether or not our home warranty will cover the putting in of a new line. I'm hoping it will...otherwise, we'll be responsible for the entire cost.
Anyhow, the purpose of this post is just to vent. It probably sounds stupid but I have a hard enough time with just finally trying to process through Samantha's loss and readjusting to life and the holidays coming up and now this is a major stressor too. It makes me upset all over again because I'm stressed.
I'm trying to trust God...it's hard.
Shannon
However, having said that....it was not a good morning. We've racked up hundreds of dollars for Chris's car this week (had to get an inspection)...which was fine! We were planning on repairing some things but we weren't expecting to have any other issues. Well, of course my D&C/pregnancy costs bill came recently...and also, here's the real treat. The gas company found a leak in our yard so they turned off the gas and now we need to call a plumber to repair it. Grr.....I am so frustrated. We are going to be freezing for a little bit and also more money to spend. I'm waiting for Chris to tell me whether or not our home warranty will cover the putting in of a new line. I'm hoping it will...otherwise, we'll be responsible for the entire cost.
Anyhow, the purpose of this post is just to vent. It probably sounds stupid but I have a hard enough time with just finally trying to process through Samantha's loss and readjusting to life and the holidays coming up and now this is a major stressor too. It makes me upset all over again because I'm stressed.
I'm trying to trust God...it's hard.
Shannon
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Feeling alone
I feel very alone in this miscarriage, not being pregnant thing....A few of my friends are or might be pregnant or are trying....and I feel like an outcast. Because of the miscarriage. I never felt like an outcast before the miscarriage. I just hadn't been pregnant. I was certainly never planning on miscarrying. I don't know if all those feelings make sense but they are what they are.
I can't believe how much I can miss my little baby. It is just so hard for me to know that I should be almost 19 weeks along.....
Just when I take a step forward, I take one back...and I get sad all over again. I know that part of it is my hormones, part of it is the season (I get S.A.D) and that part of it is the holidays upcoming, and of course, the big part of it as my therapist J would say is that I lost my child. It's not easy to deal with that.
Shannon
I can't believe how much I can miss my little baby. It is just so hard for me to know that I should be almost 19 weeks along.....
Just when I take a step forward, I take one back...and I get sad all over again. I know that part of it is my hormones, part of it is the season (I get S.A.D) and that part of it is the holidays upcoming, and of course, the big part of it as my therapist J would say is that I lost my child. It's not easy to deal with that.
Shannon
Life Update
So...here's the status on my life. :)
I had a fantastic weekend with my dear friend EEJ. She is such a blessing to me. We shopped on Saturday morning and went exploring on boulders and rocks and hiking-ish around some waterfalls a couple hours south of us. Then we rode our local streetcar. Sunday, we went to church and then we carved pumpkins before EE had to leave. I miss her already.
She really blessed me in one aspect particularly. She cross-stitched a sunflower with Samantha's name above it. She left it up to us whether to frame it or use it as a bookmark. I will most definitely be framing it and will always remember our daughter when we look at it. Thank you, EE, for loving Samantha. You have truly blessed me. When I said I missed Samantha this weekend (which I was totally comfortable to say around my dear friend) she simply said that she missed her niece too. I am so blessed to have two biological sisters whom I adore, two sister in laws that I am so glad to count as family now, and five friends from college who are as close as any sister and I credit that to us being Christian sisters through the blood of Christ.
Yesterday, I had a meltdown. I'm struggling with not being angry. But sometimes it's hard. I had a period so I know that I am not currently pregnant and I think that really upset me. The holidays are coming up and we all know (we meaning those who understand this) how difficult they can be when there are emotional and family struggles. My heart just hurts.....I want Samantha back so badly.
That's about all for right now...more to come later.
~Shannon
I had a fantastic weekend with my dear friend EEJ. She is such a blessing to me. We shopped on Saturday morning and went exploring on boulders and rocks and hiking-ish around some waterfalls a couple hours south of us. Then we rode our local streetcar. Sunday, we went to church and then we carved pumpkins before EE had to leave. I miss her already.
She really blessed me in one aspect particularly. She cross-stitched a sunflower with Samantha's name above it. She left it up to us whether to frame it or use it as a bookmark. I will most definitely be framing it and will always remember our daughter when we look at it. Thank you, EE, for loving Samantha. You have truly blessed me. When I said I missed Samantha this weekend (which I was totally comfortable to say around my dear friend) she simply said that she missed her niece too. I am so blessed to have two biological sisters whom I adore, two sister in laws that I am so glad to count as family now, and five friends from college who are as close as any sister and I credit that to us being Christian sisters through the blood of Christ.
Yesterday, I had a meltdown. I'm struggling with not being angry. But sometimes it's hard. I had a period so I know that I am not currently pregnant and I think that really upset me. The holidays are coming up and we all know (we meaning those who understand this) how difficult they can be when there are emotional and family struggles. My heart just hurts.....I want Samantha back so badly.
That's about all for right now...more to come later.
~Shannon
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