So...this year, Christmas is interesting. It's been incredible to have a baby girl in my arms.....and feel so blessed...And yet, now that Julietten is here, I'm keenly aware of everything that I'm missing with Samantha, Dominic, and Noah...and it breaks my heart. I love those babies so much and I ache to hold them and snuggle and tell them how much I love them.
Anyhow, I was buying a stocking for Juliette and in my mind was feeling really conflicted about not having stockings for the other babies. So I bought a whole bunch of stockings...even for Chris and I....6 total big ones and two little ones for Izzi and Anni. I wrote names out in glitter glue and they are hung on the mantle over our fire place. We talked about what to do with the stockings of Samantha, Dominic, and Noah....Just read ironically on Faith, Hope, and Joy blog that Jenn is doing something similar. We had decided to write notes to each of the babies. Then the next year we can pull out the notes and read them. As Juliette gets older, she can draw pics and then write notes too....We can leave them in the stockings. In addition, each of us will get one small present from Samantha, Dominic and Noah. It will be kind of a special reminder of our precious babies. In addition, I have an ornament for Noah but not Samantha or Dominic yet. This ornament will be something special we can put on the tree and remember them by every year. Noah's says: Noah Bug 2011, on the front, and on the back, He lives with Jesus. It's a little angelic looking boy with wings hanging from the moon. It's sweet. I cried when I put it on the tree yesterday. But we are looking forward to having our babies be part of our Christmas traditions.
We also are looking forward to putting Christ at the center of our holiday. We are going to do a Christ child gift instead of the Santa Claus thing. I'm going to have Chris build a little manger that can go under the tree and we can put a Christ child gift in it..which would be something like a Christian music CD or devotional or Bible or something with a Christian basis to it. This will be a neat family tradition.
Our last tradition is going to be a Christmas Eve one....Every year we will give Juliette a brand-new pair of PJs and a Christmas ornament. Then we will read the Christmas story as a family with our Advent wreath lit up if we are home....It should be neat.
Anyhow...that's the Christmas scoop with us. Hope you all are blessed and Merry Christmas.
~Shannon
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Story of Juliette Joia's birth
This is long overdue but better late than never. I want to share the awesome story of Juliette Joia's birth.
I am sure most of you know prior to our my precious daughter Juliette's birthday that Chris and I had lost three babies to miscarriage. That was the original start of this blog. It was devastating to us and I knew that this year, on September 21st, when the one year loss date of Samantha came up...that it would be hard.
September 20th came and I was very emotional. Chris and I pulled out all of Samantha's cards, clothes, things we'd made or written, and he sat with me and we talked about our babies and I cried while he held me. I knew that the next day would be difficult.
The 21st of September came and I had a very busy day at work. It had been a crazy week. I was exhausted and stressed. When I got home from work, I wasn't feeling well. I was 36.5 weeks pregnant so this wasn't absurd except for the fact that I noticed some strange things. I hadn't been swollen really at all and now my feet were the teensiest bit swollen. My head was hurting a bit and I just felt off. I asked Chris to check my blood pressure and it was high for me..not really high but in the 130s which was atypical for me. He suggested I call my midwives. The midwife on duty, Emily, asked us to come in. I did not expect to stay. However, upon arrival and a urine sample, protein showed up in my urine. Suddenly preelampsia was suspected. Instead of heading home and focusing on Samantha's life and loss, I was being admitted to the hospital with another precious little girl inside of me. I was terrified.
Two days later, we finally had the answer. After twenty four hours of checking for protein in the urine, it was determined that I did indeed have a mild case of preeclampsia and since I was almost 37 weeks along (which they'd consider full-term) that I needed to be induced. I freaked out. I was not ready for this baby to come out! I wanted 3-5 more weeks. This was not what we had planned. But then I had a realization.With all the miscarriages, I had felt so helpless. Wasn't there ANYTHING they could do to save the baby? Not that early, they couldn't. But now...this baby. They could save her! They could induce me. With prayer and support from friends and family, and especially the strenth of God, I managed to calm my fears and trust that things would go differently.
They said they'd induce me on Friday, September 23rd and it would take 48-72 hours. That didn't happen! It was busy in the hospital and I ended up being induced on Saturday, September 24th in the wee morning hours. It was under eight hours and labor was easy for me! Painful until I got my epidural but not terribly difficult because my body took off. I never even needed Pitocin. The cervical ripening agent caused labor to begin intensely and contractions took off. I went from 1 cm to 5 cms quite quickly and then a couple of hours passed and I was at 9 cm. The midwife said she'd come back shortly and we'd push. 10 cm arrived quickly and eight pushes later a head popped through and a body slid out. Daddy confirmed she was the little girl we'd been keeping a secret and then he cut her umbilical cord. Tiny 5 lb, 10 oz Juliette Joia was born on September 24th, 2011, just three days after her mom had been admitted to the hospital one year after finding out about the loss of her big sister, Samantha.
As I held this crying tiny baby girl, I was overwhelmed by so many feelings. First, pure and utterly intense love and responsibility filled my heart for this little one. Secondly, I whispered to my husband, as I cried, that I had finally and truly carried a child to term. That had been so important to me. And thirdly, how good God was to give us this baby...our rainbow baby, a rainbow after a year of so many storms. We had settled on the name Juliette, seeing it as a beautiful classic name. Joia was chosen because in English it's meaning is rejoicing. We had almost chosen Joy but it didn't ring right with Juliette and our last name, being Joy was too short. Joia seemed fitting because though we still grieve and miss our sweet children, Samantha, Dominic, and Noah, we were also filled with joy--inexpressible joy--at the precious gift of Juliette. God had turned our mourning into dancing and rejoicing and so Juliette Joia seemed fitting.
We called family and friends. We texted and updated Facebook. We were surrounded by so much love and joy and so many people celebrated with us at what God had done simply by giving us this miracle rainbow baby. One of my best friends, when told the news, cried with relief and joy. The grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other family members were thrilled. We were thrilled.
The amazing thing for me was how God on a very dark day for me has forever attached that day to a day of rejoicing. On September 21st, I will no longer only mourn and grieve for Samantha but I will always think of and rejoice in remembering that day was the beginning of the journey of Juliette's coming into the world. Ironically, something I didn't realize until October was another irony and blessing. Juliette's due date, had I not been induced, was to be October 15th, which is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tell me that God wasn't sending a message that acknowledged our losses and hurts and giving us a precious gift in Juliette?! He most certainly was.
Our first few weeks have been special. Juliette was a tiny little thing, starting in preemie clothes. Even now at almost seven weeks, she is probably only just around eight pounds and still in her little newborn outfits. She struggled at first with gaining weight but once my milk was in and we had done a little supplementing, her appetite came on and she has been growing beautifully now. Breastfeeding has been an intense but wonderful experience. She's a beautiful little girl and has a very sweet temperament.
Pictures:
Juliette and myself right after birth...one of the best moments of my life.
Juliette around 2 weeks, very photogenic
Juliette around 5 weeks, so pretty in pink
I am sure most of you know prior to our my precious daughter Juliette's birthday that Chris and I had lost three babies to miscarriage. That was the original start of this blog. It was devastating to us and I knew that this year, on September 21st, when the one year loss date of Samantha came up...that it would be hard.
September 20th came and I was very emotional. Chris and I pulled out all of Samantha's cards, clothes, things we'd made or written, and he sat with me and we talked about our babies and I cried while he held me. I knew that the next day would be difficult.
The 21st of September came and I had a very busy day at work. It had been a crazy week. I was exhausted and stressed. When I got home from work, I wasn't feeling well. I was 36.5 weeks pregnant so this wasn't absurd except for the fact that I noticed some strange things. I hadn't been swollen really at all and now my feet were the teensiest bit swollen. My head was hurting a bit and I just felt off. I asked Chris to check my blood pressure and it was high for me..not really high but in the 130s which was atypical for me. He suggested I call my midwives. The midwife on duty, Emily, asked us to come in. I did not expect to stay. However, upon arrival and a urine sample, protein showed up in my urine. Suddenly preelampsia was suspected. Instead of heading home and focusing on Samantha's life and loss, I was being admitted to the hospital with another precious little girl inside of me. I was terrified.
Two days later, we finally had the answer. After twenty four hours of checking for protein in the urine, it was determined that I did indeed have a mild case of preeclampsia and since I was almost 37 weeks along (which they'd consider full-term) that I needed to be induced. I freaked out. I was not ready for this baby to come out! I wanted 3-5 more weeks. This was not what we had planned. But then I had a realization.With all the miscarriages, I had felt so helpless. Wasn't there ANYTHING they could do to save the baby? Not that early, they couldn't. But now...this baby. They could save her! They could induce me. With prayer and support from friends and family, and especially the strenth of God, I managed to calm my fears and trust that things would go differently.
They said they'd induce me on Friday, September 23rd and it would take 48-72 hours. That didn't happen! It was busy in the hospital and I ended up being induced on Saturday, September 24th in the wee morning hours. It was under eight hours and labor was easy for me! Painful until I got my epidural but not terribly difficult because my body took off. I never even needed Pitocin. The cervical ripening agent caused labor to begin intensely and contractions took off. I went from 1 cm to 5 cms quite quickly and then a couple of hours passed and I was at 9 cm. The midwife said she'd come back shortly and we'd push. 10 cm arrived quickly and eight pushes later a head popped through and a body slid out. Daddy confirmed she was the little girl we'd been keeping a secret and then he cut her umbilical cord. Tiny 5 lb, 10 oz Juliette Joia was born on September 24th, 2011, just three days after her mom had been admitted to the hospital one year after finding out about the loss of her big sister, Samantha.
As I held this crying tiny baby girl, I was overwhelmed by so many feelings. First, pure and utterly intense love and responsibility filled my heart for this little one. Secondly, I whispered to my husband, as I cried, that I had finally and truly carried a child to term. That had been so important to me. And thirdly, how good God was to give us this baby...our rainbow baby, a rainbow after a year of so many storms. We had settled on the name Juliette, seeing it as a beautiful classic name. Joia was chosen because in English it's meaning is rejoicing. We had almost chosen Joy but it didn't ring right with Juliette and our last name, being Joy was too short. Joia seemed fitting because though we still grieve and miss our sweet children, Samantha, Dominic, and Noah, we were also filled with joy--inexpressible joy--at the precious gift of Juliette. God had turned our mourning into dancing and rejoicing and so Juliette Joia seemed fitting.
We called family and friends. We texted and updated Facebook. We were surrounded by so much love and joy and so many people celebrated with us at what God had done simply by giving us this miracle rainbow baby. One of my best friends, when told the news, cried with relief and joy. The grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other family members were thrilled. We were thrilled.
The amazing thing for me was how God on a very dark day for me has forever attached that day to a day of rejoicing. On September 21st, I will no longer only mourn and grieve for Samantha but I will always think of and rejoice in remembering that day was the beginning of the journey of Juliette's coming into the world. Ironically, something I didn't realize until October was another irony and blessing. Juliette's due date, had I not been induced, was to be October 15th, which is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tell me that God wasn't sending a message that acknowledged our losses and hurts and giving us a precious gift in Juliette?! He most certainly was.
Our first few weeks have been special. Juliette was a tiny little thing, starting in preemie clothes. Even now at almost seven weeks, she is probably only just around eight pounds and still in her little newborn outfits. She struggled at first with gaining weight but once my milk was in and we had done a little supplementing, her appetite came on and she has been growing beautifully now. Breastfeeding has been an intense but wonderful experience. She's a beautiful little girl and has a very sweet temperament.
Pictures:
Juliette and myself right after birth...one of the best moments of my life. Juliette around 2 weeks, very photogenic Juliette around 5 weeks, so pretty in pink
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Juliette is here!
I am happy to announce that at the end of September, our precious daughter arrived....Juliette Joia entered the world on September 24th, three weeks earlier than her due date after some quickly progressing complications ensued. But baby was fine and I am fine and Chris and I are blessed! We so love this precious little girl to pieces and we are absolutely thrilled that she is finally here. She is healthy, beautiful, and beloved. More to come on her story of being welcomed to this world!
Thank you all for your prayers!
S
Thank you all for your prayers!
S
Changing my mind/Keeping the blog
This blog has been such a blessing to me....I have changed my mind and decided to keep it open but....probably will not write in it as often.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
This blog
So....due to the fact that I want some more privacy in writing, I will no longer be using this blog. I will leave it here for myself to go back and see the journey of the past year....but I may be writing privately elsewhere eventually and keeping it out of view of the public eye. I need a place away from the world. I will likely only share it with a few people. Thank you to all who have read and offered support!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Next Wednesday
Next Wednesday is Samantha's one year loss....and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it....I am really struggling. It's gotten harder and harder suddenly...It started Saturday...and then yesterday, I tried to disconnect...but today, I am really teary...and it feels like it just happened. Just a moment ago, she was inside of me...and we were watching her heartbeat...and a few weeks flew by and then I was bleeding, helplessly watching an ultrasound that showed a darling tiny baby....that was no longer alive.
This little one that is inside of me right now....is jumping and hopping and full of life and joy it seems. And I'm so grateful.
But I miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah......and especially Samantha right now. My first baby. And what a journey it was in those 13 weeks.
Jesus, hold me tight. And God, I know....you've reminded me...that you lost your Son...and you get it. I know you do.
Sometimes I feel so alone.
~Shannon
This little one that is inside of me right now....is jumping and hopping and full of life and joy it seems. And I'm so grateful.
But I miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah......and especially Samantha right now. My first baby. And what a journey it was in those 13 weeks.
Jesus, hold me tight. And God, I know....you've reminded me...that you lost your Son...and you get it. I know you do.
Sometimes I feel so alone.
~Shannon
Friday, September 9, 2011
We are getting there
We are almost 35 weeks along. Crazy? Baby is kicking like mad.
Struggling emotionally....Samantha's loss anniversary is creeping up--9/21.....
And that's hard.
And Dominic would be a teensy guy...born in August if all had gone well......
And Noah's would be due in the next week or so.
But we have Baby Sprout and he/she is coming.
Just mixed feelings.
I have the best therapist in the world. I had mentioned to J that I wanted to purchase the book "Someone Came Before You"....she bought it and gave it to me last night. It's a great way to tell your little ones about the person who was there before them.
Three someones came before you, baby.......
So things are good on the friendship scene:
Meeting two awesome friends for dinner/maybe a movie/shopping tonight. Sunday, we get received as members in our new church followed by a potluck lunch....Monday, coffee with a friend from my support group...and lunch with another friend. And next Saturday, a day out again with a different friend! I am blessed to say that after been here for four years, I have finally made some great friends who are supportive and understanding and that I can enjoy spending time with them. Chris and I decided it was good for me to spend as much time with friends right now, before baby comes, to strengthen my support network and prepare me emotionally---as well as keep me connected to them since things will be a little chaotic at first!
This last week I started an awesome Bible study......on Jonah and seeing life's interruptions as God's divine interventions. BEAUTIFUL. It's going to be a blessing. I'm enjoying studying the Word with 40-45 other women through our new church.....
Anyhow, a long rambling post...but there's my life!
~Shannon
Struggling emotionally....Samantha's loss anniversary is creeping up--9/21.....
And that's hard.
And Dominic would be a teensy guy...born in August if all had gone well......
And Noah's would be due in the next week or so.
But we have Baby Sprout and he/she is coming.
Just mixed feelings.
I have the best therapist in the world. I had mentioned to J that I wanted to purchase the book "Someone Came Before You"....she bought it and gave it to me last night. It's a great way to tell your little ones about the person who was there before them.
Three someones came before you, baby.......
So things are good on the friendship scene:
Meeting two awesome friends for dinner/maybe a movie/shopping tonight. Sunday, we get received as members in our new church followed by a potluck lunch....Monday, coffee with a friend from my support group...and lunch with another friend. And next Saturday, a day out again with a different friend! I am blessed to say that after been here for four years, I have finally made some great friends who are supportive and understanding and that I can enjoy spending time with them. Chris and I decided it was good for me to spend as much time with friends right now, before baby comes, to strengthen my support network and prepare me emotionally---as well as keep me connected to them since things will be a little chaotic at first!
This last week I started an awesome Bible study......on Jonah and seeing life's interruptions as God's divine interventions. BEAUTIFUL. It's going to be a blessing. I'm enjoying studying the Word with 40-45 other women through our new church.....
Anyhow, a long rambling post...but there's my life!
~Shannon
Saturday, August 27, 2011
33 weeks
33 weeks.
I am tired of being sick.
Today I threw up again unexpectedly. I have been averaging few hours of a sleep.
And then add to that a cold...yep a summertime cold. My throat hurts, my head hurts...and I can't breathe.
My body is tired.
Oh well.........
But then the baby kicks me and I remind myself that this will all be worth it...I love baby...we've had some good bonding in the past couple of days!
But by the time I am done here, I will have been pregnant for most of 16 months....with four different children. Talk about emotionally and physically draining, especially when three of those were losses resulting in physical shifts and mega emotional draining.....and all of them, with the current one being the longest, were marked with more than the average amount of nausea/vomiting, heartburn, and discomforts.
7 weeks to go.
Thank goodness I have the best husband in the world. He can read me when I feel guilty about not having energy to make dinner...and he becomes enthusiastic about taking care of me. I think we are both so relieved that this baby is doing well that it makes it possible to get through the discomforts!
And...our Preparing For Labor and Delivery course has started. We have three sessions left---had the first one this week. And it was wonderful! Who knew how intimate an experience it would be to go through childbirth together? Probably those who have done it...I didn't realize how intensely we would go through this together and I realize now that childbirth will tie us together even more...as well as parenting!! Wow....The things I learn.
Stressed emotionally....having some stress as we anticipate the one year loss of Samantha. It's hard because everything is coming back to me...and I keep having flashbacks of the ultrasound, the D&C, being at the hospital. They say that with anniversaries of losses, the time before it, leading up to the day of and the day of are often the hardest...so I know that this is typical. But it's still hard. She's be almost five months old. Five months. How much I have missed out on...and how much more I will miss.
And yet, we wouldn't have this baby...Our rainbow baby. We prayed God would give us a child we wouldn't have had otherwise....and it looks that He will. How can we question His will? He is so good.
But still the feelings are there...they are confusing.
~Shannon
I am tired of being sick.
Today I threw up again unexpectedly. I have been averaging few hours of a sleep.
And then add to that a cold...yep a summertime cold. My throat hurts, my head hurts...and I can't breathe.
My body is tired.
Oh well.........
But then the baby kicks me and I remind myself that this will all be worth it...I love baby...we've had some good bonding in the past couple of days!
But by the time I am done here, I will have been pregnant for most of 16 months....with four different children. Talk about emotionally and physically draining, especially when three of those were losses resulting in physical shifts and mega emotional draining.....and all of them, with the current one being the longest, were marked with more than the average amount of nausea/vomiting, heartburn, and discomforts.
7 weeks to go.
Thank goodness I have the best husband in the world. He can read me when I feel guilty about not having energy to make dinner...and he becomes enthusiastic about taking care of me. I think we are both so relieved that this baby is doing well that it makes it possible to get through the discomforts!
And...our Preparing For Labor and Delivery course has started. We have three sessions left---had the first one this week. And it was wonderful! Who knew how intimate an experience it would be to go through childbirth together? Probably those who have done it...I didn't realize how intensely we would go through this together and I realize now that childbirth will tie us together even more...as well as parenting!! Wow....The things I learn.
Stressed emotionally....having some stress as we anticipate the one year loss of Samantha. It's hard because everything is coming back to me...and I keep having flashbacks of the ultrasound, the D&C, being at the hospital. They say that with anniversaries of losses, the time before it, leading up to the day of and the day of are often the hardest...so I know that this is typical. But it's still hard. She's be almost five months old. Five months. How much I have missed out on...and how much more I will miss.
And yet, we wouldn't have this baby...Our rainbow baby. We prayed God would give us a child we wouldn't have had otherwise....and it looks that He will. How can we question His will? He is so good.
But still the feelings are there...they are confusing.
~Shannon
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Haven't written much
I haven't written much lately. I have used a lot of different outlets lately for communicating and was blessed to spend last weekend with family and especially friends I hadn't seen in awhile. My best friends were so good about listening and we had heart to hearts...and my sister and mom have been available to chat regularly..and Chris and I got to talk for a nice long time on the car ride to my family's and back....So....blogging has not been a need lately! I will have some upcoming coffee dates...and I'm certain those will bless me too....just to share one on one!
But almost 33 weeks pregnant and getting kicked hard...and that is good! But bittersweet...but good!
~Shannon
But almost 33 weeks pregnant and getting kicked hard...and that is good! But bittersweet...but good!
~Shannon
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
30.5
30.5 weeks along.
I haven't really been feeling like writing in the blog lately. I have been more chatting with close friends about how I'm feeling, what's going on, etc. But....I figured I should write something.
30.5 weeks. More than 3/4s.......
That's awesome. But MIXED feelings.
~Shannon
I haven't really been feeling like writing in the blog lately. I have been more chatting with close friends about how I'm feeling, what's going on, etc. But....I figured I should write something.
30.5 weeks. More than 3/4s.......
That's awesome. But MIXED feelings.
~Shannon
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Expectations
Perhaps we, as humans, set our expectations too high.
Sometimes I expect things to go so easily...that when they get complex, I question why.
Why?
Well....
Quite honestly, why not?
I am in a position right now where there are some things to be worked out and some info Chris and I are waiting for.....and I know that if it doesn't go smoothly, I will question why!? But really, Shannon, why not? Life can go either way and God need not explain.
Patience is a virtue!
~Shannon
Sometimes I expect things to go so easily...that when they get complex, I question why.
Why?
Well....
Quite honestly, why not?
I am in a position right now where there are some things to be worked out and some info Chris and I are waiting for.....and I know that if it doesn't go smoothly, I will question why!? But really, Shannon, why not? Life can go either way and God need not explain.
Patience is a virtue!
~Shannon
Friday, July 29, 2011
True spiritual growth
This past year I have experienced some true spiritual growth.
How do I know this?
Because even though it's often a process....I am now able to say with confidence and faith "not my will but Yours be done."
I wish I hadn't had to learn it the hard way. But oh, what peace it has given me!
~Shannon
How do I know this?
Because even though it's often a process....I am now able to say with confidence and faith "not my will but Yours be done."
I wish I hadn't had to learn it the hard way. But oh, what peace it has given me!
~Shannon
Prayer
Dear Lord,
I believe Phillipians 4:13. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Even things I don't WANT to do. I know this is true. Maybe.....if you wanted to.....you could stop stretching me and growing me for a little bit? But if you don't want to, that's okay too. I am your child, I am your servant, and I love what you do for me. I know you are with me always....even when I feel alone. I love you, Lord. I love that you love me...and I am content to live my life according to your will. But I do feel overwhelmed sometimes. But Lord, I trust you....I know your promises are always kept and that you will never leave me or let me down. For that I am so grateful. I am so blessed.
Love,
Shannon
I believe Phillipians 4:13. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Even things I don't WANT to do. I know this is true. Maybe.....if you wanted to.....you could stop stretching me and growing me for a little bit? But if you don't want to, that's okay too. I am your child, I am your servant, and I love what you do for me. I know you are with me always....even when I feel alone. I love you, Lord. I love that you love me...and I am content to live my life according to your will. But I do feel overwhelmed sometimes. But Lord, I trust you....I know your promises are always kept and that you will never leave me or let me down. For that I am so grateful. I am so blessed.
Love,
Shannon
Thursday, July 28, 2011
I think this baby is going to come home
I woke up in the middle of the night and cried last night. Quietly...so I wouldn't wake Chris up. I cried tears of joy and still tears of grief. I woke up to baby moving and in my head....I thought 'I think this baby is going to come home.' And it scared me and filled me with joy and then hurt so badly because I missed Samantha, Dominic, and Noah terribly. Talk about mixed feelings.
I'm thrilled to be almost 29 weeks pregnant. Truly I am. I am so grateful that God answered my prayer for a rainbow baby. An especially bright rainbow baby, after not one, not two, but three losses. I asked if I could be pregnant with a baby we could keep by the time Samantha's due date rolled around...and when April 3rd came around, I had been pregnant with this child for weeks already. Talk about how blessed I am! And how blessed I am to know that when I get to heaven, that my other children will be there....Chris and I talk about that and more recently, my dear best friend J, and I talk about it a lot too. I am so grateful for all of that. But...
It still hurts. My arms still feel empty. My best friends R and S have little babies and I can't help but wonder what Samantha would be like. Dominic would be due in August---I'd be so close. Noah in September. And I am missing those milestones and can't hold those children. It's totally mixed feelings, totally mega mixed feelings.
So I cried last night......tears of joy and tears of grief. I am so blessed but blessings can never erase scars they can only soothe them as best they can. And I am grateful that God has offered some healing balm in this child that kicks and lives strongly inside of me.
I think this baby is going to come home in October. I shouldn't doubt God because He told me months ago that he/she would...but I have such little faith sometimes.
And even though this baby will come home....he/she can never replace my other three. I love them all equally and dearly.
But I do look forward to holding this child in my arms. Until then...I'll pat my stomach, call my sweet little one by name, and pray for this child that God has blessed us with.
God, you are so good. Even when it hurts.
~Shannon
I'm thrilled to be almost 29 weeks pregnant. Truly I am. I am so grateful that God answered my prayer for a rainbow baby. An especially bright rainbow baby, after not one, not two, but three losses. I asked if I could be pregnant with a baby we could keep by the time Samantha's due date rolled around...and when April 3rd came around, I had been pregnant with this child for weeks already. Talk about how blessed I am! And how blessed I am to know that when I get to heaven, that my other children will be there....Chris and I talk about that and more recently, my dear best friend J, and I talk about it a lot too. I am so grateful for all of that. But...
It still hurts. My arms still feel empty. My best friends R and S have little babies and I can't help but wonder what Samantha would be like. Dominic would be due in August---I'd be so close. Noah in September. And I am missing those milestones and can't hold those children. It's totally mixed feelings, totally mega mixed feelings.
So I cried last night......tears of joy and tears of grief. I am so blessed but blessings can never erase scars they can only soothe them as best they can. And I am grateful that God has offered some healing balm in this child that kicks and lives strongly inside of me.
I think this baby is going to come home in October. I shouldn't doubt God because He told me months ago that he/she would...but I have such little faith sometimes.
And even though this baby will come home....he/she can never replace my other three. I love them all equally and dearly.
But I do look forward to holding this child in my arms. Until then...I'll pat my stomach, call my sweet little one by name, and pray for this child that God has blessed us with.
God, you are so good. Even when it hurts.
~Shannon
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
So Many Things!
So I'm just going to write this in chunks....because I don't think I can make it flow 'prettily'!
1. My due date is now October 15th. Long story but they miscalculated it early on and someone decided it should be October 18th. I am fine with going off the 'true' what woulda been 'original' calculation of October 15th. That'll make me have three days less to wait! So I am currently 28.5 weeks along---officially in my third trimester.
2. My maternity leave plan has been worked out for work so that is good.
3.We are working on figuring out our birthing plan--but ahh! There are so many details....but it is coming along. Figuring out pain relief, breastfeeding, baby staying in room or nursery, etc. etc. etc.
4. We are figuring out what we want to do for the labor/delivery...At this point, we know that it will be just Chris and myself present unless I change my mind. But we have to figure out visitors, positions I want, etc. etc. etc. (sounds kind of like number 3, right?)
5. Finishing up the baby room...This will get easier after showers happen probably. Looking forward to celebrating all this baby jazz!
6. Transferring church memberships...thank goodness we have clarity and blessing about where we are going and what we are doing but it's just a process now.
7. Enjoying our last few weeks without a baby. We will try to squeeze in some special dates and enjoy some time together.
8. And there's some more serious stuff going on, but we are trusting God to bring us through that....as He has thus far!
That's our story and we're stickin' to it.
Shannon
1. My due date is now October 15th. Long story but they miscalculated it early on and someone decided it should be October 18th. I am fine with going off the 'true' what woulda been 'original' calculation of October 15th. That'll make me have three days less to wait! So I am currently 28.5 weeks along---officially in my third trimester.
2. My maternity leave plan has been worked out for work so that is good.
3.We are working on figuring out our birthing plan--but ahh! There are so many details....but it is coming along. Figuring out pain relief, breastfeeding, baby staying in room or nursery, etc. etc. etc.
4. We are figuring out what we want to do for the labor/delivery...At this point, we know that it will be just Chris and myself present unless I change my mind. But we have to figure out visitors, positions I want, etc. etc. etc. (sounds kind of like number 3, right?)
5. Finishing up the baby room...This will get easier after showers happen probably. Looking forward to celebrating all this baby jazz!
6. Transferring church memberships...thank goodness we have clarity and blessing about where we are going and what we are doing but it's just a process now.
7. Enjoying our last few weeks without a baby. We will try to squeeze in some special dates and enjoy some time together.
8. And there's some more serious stuff going on, but we are trusting God to bring us through that....as He has thus far!
That's our story and we're stickin' to it.
Shannon
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Please keep me in your prayers
Please keep me and our little one in your prayers. We have some decisions to make this week. We are probably switching doctors. This isn't something I really want to talk about....only to say that it was not part of the original plan. We believe everything is going okay with this baby...but....still nervous anyhow!
That's okay. God can work with Plan B...even though we didn't want to switch doctors and deal with some of this stuff.
Also, the eating disorder has been rough on my mind lately. Please keep that in your prayers. I want to be a good mom to this baby. I need to have my priorities straight and lately...well, I don't want to go there. But it's been bad and it's been hard.
Keep in mind, none of this is stuff I really want to talk about. lol....if I want to talk about it, I'll let you know, but if for now, you could just pray for us...that would be great.
That's okay. God can work with Plan B...even though we didn't want to switch doctors and deal with some of this stuff.
Also, the eating disorder has been rough on my mind lately. Please keep that in your prayers. I want to be a good mom to this baby. I need to have my priorities straight and lately...well, I don't want to go there. But it's been bad and it's been hard.
Keep in mind, none of this is stuff I really want to talk about. lol....if I want to talk about it, I'll let you know, but if for now, you could just pray for us...that would be great.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
27 weeks pregnant
I can't believe I'm 27 weeks pregnant. But I am. I am so blessed. As I write this, the little one is wiggling inside of me.
But...many other things are going on. Chris and I are doing well so I can't complain. We are well and in general, life is okay. Work is good. School is good for him. But there are some emotional things and baby preparation things going on.....I don't really want to say much about them here. I've talked about some of them with my best friends and sister, but some...I'm just wanting to keep between Chris and I for now. Thank goodness J (my therapist) is there too...and to think that last week, I tried to push her away.
I am just grateful though...that in the midst of these really difficult times, where there's been a lot of tears, and frustration from both of us, we are able to stay close, and actually grow stronger. And that we have a strong little baby inside of me.....at 27 weeks. Wow.
God, you are so good to us. Even when the world seems so crappy and the circumstances are not as we would have them. We would change this and that...but it's okay. You have still blessed us. We are so grateful you love us.
~Shannon
But...many other things are going on. Chris and I are doing well so I can't complain. We are well and in general, life is okay. Work is good. School is good for him. But there are some emotional things and baby preparation things going on.....I don't really want to say much about them here. I've talked about some of them with my best friends and sister, but some...I'm just wanting to keep between Chris and I for now. Thank goodness J (my therapist) is there too...and to think that last week, I tried to push her away.
I am just grateful though...that in the midst of these really difficult times, where there's been a lot of tears, and frustration from both of us, we are able to stay close, and actually grow stronger. And that we have a strong little baby inside of me.....at 27 weeks. Wow.
God, you are so good to us. Even when the world seems so crappy and the circumstances are not as we would have them. We would change this and that...but it's okay. You have still blessed us. We are so grateful you love us.
~Shannon
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The Lord's Perspective
One of the dear friends from my support group texted that passage this morning. What a blessing it was for me to read this.
Without going into much detail, I can say that the past two days have not been the best of my life but that they have been wonderful. How can I explain that? Well, let's just say that there were a couple of things going on with me that I was concerned about and that I made a couple of bad decisions. However, in the process of all of this going on, I have been surrounded by love and support. Most of all, from my incredible husband who held me for three hours last night and just stroked my hair, reassured me, loved me, and let me talk. What a sweet, sweet man he is. I love him more and more with each passing day. Also, I have had a couple of my best friends be willing to give support. Their prayers, acceptance, and love mean the world to me! My sister called and she gave me some love yesterday even though I didn't really share what was going on. And I am so blessed to have my therapist J.....who doesn't let me slip through the cracks even when I want to. She's such a blessing.
That passage at the top reminds me of how contrary the Lord's perspective is to ours....and this world's.....True beauty is in His eyes and He looks at our heart. What incredible peace this truth can bring.
~Shannon
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Days like this....
Do you ever have days where you aren't really looking forward to much and you have to remember to look ahead? July is kind of like that. I'm really looking forward to August but we've got a few weeks still! I will likely get to meet my best friend R's baby girl.....enjoy my own baby shower given by my mom and sister...supposedly they are booking a restaurant and going all out so I'm going to fairly surprised...as well as one given by my boss and his sweet wife. Chris and I should be able to get away for a little weekend. Then...September will come and we're not exactly sure what that'll hold yet. But then...it'll be OCTOBER AND OUR BABY IS DUE! We are so excited!
But for right now, it's the day to day mundane, wishing and waiting for some other things.....Sigh!
Waiting,
Shannon
But for right now, it's the day to day mundane, wishing and waiting for some other things.....Sigh!
Waiting,
Shannon
Monday, July 11, 2011
Reliving Three Years Ago
Three years ago, Chris and I got married at four o'clock at my parents' home church in Michigan. We had pictures done separately before the ceremony but did not see each other. My day was special. Early in the day, my best friends and I waltzed around the living room to a CD Chris has made for me for wedding day. It had Chapel of Love on it. So we traipsed around joyfully....My hair was done up, my make up was done, and my jewelry was on....when we got to the church. We put on my dress! Which I adored! My best friend R (one of my bridesmaids) had notes from all of my dearest friends from a few months before.....and she handed them out to me throughout the day and sent me a stack for the honeymoon. They were notes filled with encouraging words for wedding day and for our marriage. I still have most of those notes and they are so special to me! So I read those notes.....went to the bathroom. And then it was time for the ceremony....
Canon in D was played as our bridal party entered. Our best man James carried in a processional cross...which everyone stood for. Then the bridal party entered in.......Then the music shifted. My best friend B sang the first verse of Love Divine, All Loves Excelling. Then the doors opened and my dad and I entered in......and my sister and soon to be sister in law (both age 13)....carried the train of my dress in. It was neat. I was nervous and shaking though! And then my dad passed me on to Chris, joining our hands. The best feeling in the world was as I walked down the aisle and Chris was looking me in the eye with the most awesome expression...He was teary, he later told me...it was so sweet. The ceremony was special....We lit a beautiful unity candle that was unique and gorgeous---made by Chris's grandmother. We had a couple of very special hymns played. For us, we had wanted a service, not just a ceremony. The rings were not just put on our hands but actually blessed to be a significant and symbolic part of our marriage. Sweet stuff!
After the ceremony, we signed the license--where of course, I accidentally signed my maiden name. Sigh! :) Then we took communion together with our best man-dear friend J-and maid of honor-sister B-and....that was so special for us....to be kneeling with saints and before the throne of God for the first time as a husband and wife. After that, we had a beautiful bubble exit out of the church. That was fun.
Then there were lots and lots and lots of pictures!
The reception was fun too.....dinner tasted great. When we went to cut the cake, Chris accidentally gave me a piece like three times too big for my mouth! We have some great pictures of us laughing really, really hard because I was like 'eek! I can't chew!' And we did the bouquet toss, garter hunt/throw....my father and Chris thanked everyone for coming. We had so much fun. Then...we danced. It was super special to dance with my Daddy...who told me these words 'you'll never be lonely again.' He was right. Chris and I danced to Michael W. Smith's song 'Love of My Life'...truly a song that has become more and more ours as we've been married for three years. We dance to it in our living room now and hold each other close as we let those words and music cover us. My best friends and I had a circle up, arms around each other, dance to the song 'Friends' which says 'friends are friends forever if the Lord's the Lord of them....' That was so special.
Anyhow, I look back on that day with fondness....and really enjoyed it. There are certainly things I would have done differently. But it was still so meaningful!
Canon in D was played as our bridal party entered. Our best man James carried in a processional cross...which everyone stood for. Then the bridal party entered in.......Then the music shifted. My best friend B sang the first verse of Love Divine, All Loves Excelling. Then the doors opened and my dad and I entered in......and my sister and soon to be sister in law (both age 13)....carried the train of my dress in. It was neat. I was nervous and shaking though! And then my dad passed me on to Chris, joining our hands. The best feeling in the world was as I walked down the aisle and Chris was looking me in the eye with the most awesome expression...He was teary, he later told me...it was so sweet. The ceremony was special....We lit a beautiful unity candle that was unique and gorgeous---made by Chris's grandmother. We had a couple of very special hymns played. For us, we had wanted a service, not just a ceremony. The rings were not just put on our hands but actually blessed to be a significant and symbolic part of our marriage. Sweet stuff!
After the ceremony, we signed the license--where of course, I accidentally signed my maiden name. Sigh! :) Then we took communion together with our best man-dear friend J-and maid of honor-sister B-and....that was so special for us....to be kneeling with saints and before the throne of God for the first time as a husband and wife. After that, we had a beautiful bubble exit out of the church. That was fun.
Then there were lots and lots and lots of pictures!
The reception was fun too.....dinner tasted great. When we went to cut the cake, Chris accidentally gave me a piece like three times too big for my mouth! We have some great pictures of us laughing really, really hard because I was like 'eek! I can't chew!' And we did the bouquet toss, garter hunt/throw....my father and Chris thanked everyone for coming. We had so much fun. Then...we danced. It was super special to dance with my Daddy...who told me these words 'you'll never be lonely again.' He was right. Chris and I danced to Michael W. Smith's song 'Love of My Life'...truly a song that has become more and more ours as we've been married for three years. We dance to it in our living room now and hold each other close as we let those words and music cover us. My best friends and I had a circle up, arms around each other, dance to the song 'Friends' which says 'friends are friends forever if the Lord's the Lord of them....' That was so special.
Anyhow, I look back on that day with fondness....and really enjoyed it. There are certainly things I would have done differently. But it was still so meaningful!
Samantha's beginning of life and three year anniversary of marriage
Based on what we know, our sweet Samantha Peep, our first baby, was conceived on July 11th, of last year. This is her one year anniversary of life. She started as a sweet little set of cells and developed into a tiny looking newborn...and she was in the arms of Jesus then.
I've cried on and off all day so far. I'm so grateful that my best friend EE was able to be available to talk last night. It was so comforting to talk for an hour to her and have her listen and know that she cares...and that she says the right thing!
Today is also our three year anniversary. We struggle because our anniversary will never just be our anniversary with joy anymore but will always be mixed with sorrow and also joy over Samant
But I am happy to say.....that I adore my husband. There are very very few marriages and relationships I envy because I really am so content in being married to him. He is a wonderful provider, a strong emotional support, my protector and defender, and just sweet....Last week he made me a cheesecake all for me....which we decided to share with his family while they were over for the evening...but the rest is mine--in the freezer--to cut little pieces off of as I want. It was so sweet. He insisted that I shower first last night.....after our church pool party. He has been so sensitive and tender, especially these past six months, in dealing with my needs and taking care of me and our baby. He is so dedicated to the two of us...and I am so blessed. I love that man passionately and deeply .....and best of all, I know he loves me! When I look back to three years ago, I realize how special our wedding day was...but how even more special our marriage has been, because we have become one from the two that we were. We are so blessed. Most of all, the man is Christ-centered which is of utmost importance to me. When my best friend R's baby girl Alexi went into the hospital, I was in tears, talking with another friend, listening to a voicemail from R....We were in the middle of our nightly game of cribbage and Chris stopped the game, looked at me...and said that we needed to pray. He took my hands and he prayed out loud for Alexi and her mommy and daddy...This was of great comfort to me. I see him developing into such a strong, wonderful, godly man...and I am so blessed! So many people do not have this relationship that we have....and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
This baby kicks a lot these days. There is a lot of movement and we love this child so much. But......this baby is not Samantha. Nor is Samantha this baby. We love them exclusively and equally. As do we Dominic and Noah, and will all of our children.
But I am grateful to be almost 26 weeks along with our rainbow baby. This is a blessing.
But it still hurts. Very badly. I want Samantha with all my heart. And I look at others who recently had babies, especially back in April, and I wonder what Samantha would be doing and what she'd be like today.
My heart feels like it's breaking all over again today.
~Shannon
I've cried on and off all day so far. I'm so grateful that my best friend EE was able to be available to talk last night. It was so comforting to talk for an hour to her and have her listen and know that she cares...and that she says the right thing!
Today is also our three year anniversary. We struggle because our anniversary will never just be our anniversary with joy anymore but will always be mixed with sorrow and also joy over Samant
But I am happy to say.....that I adore my husband. There are very very few marriages and relationships I envy because I really am so content in being married to him. He is a wonderful provider, a strong emotional support, my protector and defender, and just sweet....Last week he made me a cheesecake all for me....which we decided to share with his family while they were over for the evening...but the rest is mine--in the freezer--to cut little pieces off of as I want. It was so sweet. He insisted that I shower first last night.....after our church pool party. He has been so sensitive and tender, especially these past six months, in dealing with my needs and taking care of me and our baby. He is so dedicated to the two of us...and I am so blessed. I love that man passionately and deeply .....and best of all, I know he loves me! When I look back to three years ago, I realize how special our wedding day was...but how even more special our marriage has been, because we have become one from the two that we were. We are so blessed. Most of all, the man is Christ-centered which is of utmost importance to me. When my best friend R's baby girl Alexi went into the hospital, I was in tears, talking with another friend, listening to a voicemail from R....We were in the middle of our nightly game of cribbage and Chris stopped the game, looked at me...and said that we needed to pray. He took my hands and he prayed out loud for Alexi and her mommy and daddy...This was of great comfort to me. I see him developing into such a strong, wonderful, godly man...and I am so blessed! So many people do not have this relationship that we have....and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
This baby kicks a lot these days. There is a lot of movement and we love this child so much. But......this baby is not Samantha. Nor is Samantha this baby. We love them exclusively and equally. As do we Dominic and Noah, and will all of our children.
But I am grateful to be almost 26 weeks along with our rainbow baby. This is a blessing.
But it still hurts. Very badly. I want Samantha with all my heart. And I look at others who recently had babies, especially back in April, and I wonder what Samantha would be doing and what she'd be like today.
My heart feels like it's breaking all over again today.
~Shannon
Friday, July 8, 2011
Life update
Everything has been going fairly well. The pregnancy is going great. Minus not feeling well here and there.
My best friend Renae had a darling baby girl about two weeks ago. Alexi did end up in the hospital due to some feeding/dehydration issues but is doing much better now. Such a blessing. Renae having Alexi and my best friend Sarah having Seth back in April has really gotten me ready for October when we can have this baby. Chris and I are so ready.
Chris and I are both frustrated with someone in our extended family. This person believes they can treat people however they want and there should be no consequences. We're not sure where this behavior shift came from, as this person was not always like this. They say they haven't changed at all but EVERYONE except this person has noticed and observed a change. Whatever. We aren't concerned. We have a great bunch of friends and some other great family members and if this person wants to come around, in time, they will...If not, that's fine too. But we have decided we are not going to put up with crap. We don't put up with it with each other. We certainly won't put up with it from other people. You can't act however you want and have no consequences. Relationships don't work that way!
We are looking forward to August. Beginning of baby shower seasons. It's hard because we never had a shower for Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. These milestones are hard at times but wonderful because we are so blessed with this precious child.
This baby is so loved. My best friends have been giving little gifts. Maternity shirts, baby clothes, a You Are Special by Max Lucado book.....We are so blessed and lucky! I get cards and little messages randomly to remind me and baby how excited these friends are. My mom also has given us some clothing which was sweet.
My support group has been awesome. They are such a good place to talk things over, get support, and get encouragement to do the right thing. I am so blessed with such special people in my life.
We are changing churches in August. This will be a difficult transition because we will miss all of our friends from St. Luke. However, we are so excited about new church and already love it. The pastor is great and the people are friendly. We are looking forward to it!
We just love you, Sprout! We are so looking forward to October! Or maybe November if you come a little bit late. Hehe...
We are so blessed....! So no updates doesn't mean that there was no good news! It just means that we were trekking along!
~S
My best friend Renae had a darling baby girl about two weeks ago. Alexi did end up in the hospital due to some feeding/dehydration issues but is doing much better now. Such a blessing. Renae having Alexi and my best friend Sarah having Seth back in April has really gotten me ready for October when we can have this baby. Chris and I are so ready.
Chris and I are both frustrated with someone in our extended family. This person believes they can treat people however they want and there should be no consequences. We're not sure where this behavior shift came from, as this person was not always like this. They say they haven't changed at all but EVERYONE except this person has noticed and observed a change. Whatever. We aren't concerned. We have a great bunch of friends and some other great family members and if this person wants to come around, in time, they will...If not, that's fine too. But we have decided we are not going to put up with crap. We don't put up with it with each other. We certainly won't put up with it from other people. You can't act however you want and have no consequences. Relationships don't work that way!
We are looking forward to August. Beginning of baby shower seasons. It's hard because we never had a shower for Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. These milestones are hard at times but wonderful because we are so blessed with this precious child.
This baby is so loved. My best friends have been giving little gifts. Maternity shirts, baby clothes, a You Are Special by Max Lucado book.....We are so blessed and lucky! I get cards and little messages randomly to remind me and baby how excited these friends are. My mom also has given us some clothing which was sweet.
My support group has been awesome. They are such a good place to talk things over, get support, and get encouragement to do the right thing. I am so blessed with such special people in my life.
We are changing churches in August. This will be a difficult transition because we will miss all of our friends from St. Luke. However, we are so excited about new church and already love it. The pastor is great and the people are friendly. We are looking forward to it!
We just love you, Sprout! We are so looking forward to October! Or maybe November if you come a little bit late. Hehe...
We are so blessed....! So no updates doesn't mean that there was no good news! It just means that we were trekking along!
~S
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Maternity swimwear
So my latest pregnancy dilemma...
What to wear to swim in at 25 weeks pregnant? I have not figured it out yet....sigh.
The maternity swimwear is too expensive...and the bigger sizes are too big everywhere else.
I could just not swim.
But I want to swim.
Annoying.
~Shannon
What to wear to swim in at 25 weeks pregnant? I have not figured it out yet....sigh.
The maternity swimwear is too expensive...and the bigger sizes are too big everywhere else.
I could just not swim.
But I want to swim.
Annoying.
~Shannon
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Remembering Ripley Ann (for Jessica)
Dear Ripley Ann,
Where to start? I can't even begin. When your mom called me last week and told me they thought she was losing you, my heart started to quiver. When she called again and said you had gone to live with Jesus, my heart started to break. I know what it's like to lose a baby. Three of them are with you, in heaven, with Jesus...but they aren't here with me.
What would I want to tell you, Ripley? I'd want to tell you that you are very loved. The day your mom found out she was pregnant, she couldn't keep her lips sealed. She called me and told me the awesome joyful news. I could hear joy overflowing in her voice. She and your daddy were amazed and surprised to find out that you were inside of you. And...they loved you already.
Every time we talked, your mom and I, I knew she loved you. And when she lost you, she wept and sobbed because nothing hurts more than losing someone you love...especially someone like you.
I'm certain you are beautiful, Ripley. I know that you are precious. I envision how darling you must be. And I can imagine you've got the best personality, sweet, funny, quirky....You would be a precious combination of your parents.
Ripley, we know that you are with Jesus. And someday we will all be in heaven with you. Your mom can't wait until eternity. She loves you dearly and will always look forward to that embrace. Thank you for blessing her life and through her, blessing mine, with your sweet precious life.
Love,
Aunt Shannon
P.S. Give your cousins Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a hug. Tell them I love them.
*For my best friend, Jess, who lost Ripley Ann, at the end of last week. I get it. It hurts. There's nothing that can make the pain disappear. But we have hope in Jesus and we will see Ripley again.*
Where to start? I can't even begin. When your mom called me last week and told me they thought she was losing you, my heart started to quiver. When she called again and said you had gone to live with Jesus, my heart started to break. I know what it's like to lose a baby. Three of them are with you, in heaven, with Jesus...but they aren't here with me.
What would I want to tell you, Ripley? I'd want to tell you that you are very loved. The day your mom found out she was pregnant, she couldn't keep her lips sealed. She called me and told me the awesome joyful news. I could hear joy overflowing in her voice. She and your daddy were amazed and surprised to find out that you were inside of you. And...they loved you already.
Every time we talked, your mom and I, I knew she loved you. And when she lost you, she wept and sobbed because nothing hurts more than losing someone you love...especially someone like you.
I'm certain you are beautiful, Ripley. I know that you are precious. I envision how darling you must be. And I can imagine you've got the best personality, sweet, funny, quirky....You would be a precious combination of your parents.
Ripley, we know that you are with Jesus. And someday we will all be in heaven with you. Your mom can't wait until eternity. She loves you dearly and will always look forward to that embrace. Thank you for blessing her life and through her, blessing mine, with your sweet precious life.
Love,
Aunt Shannon
P.S. Give your cousins Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a hug. Tell them I love them.
*For my best friend, Jess, who lost Ripley Ann, at the end of last week. I get it. It hurts. There's nothing that can make the pain disappear. But we have hope in Jesus and we will see Ripley again.*
Thursday, June 9, 2011
A friend of mine
When someone else you love goes through something you've been through, it hurts. And it hurts double...because you know how bad they hurt.
A friend of mine may be losing their baby and my heart is just breaking for them. It also takes me right back to the days where I lost my babies. Sad, sad days.
~Shannon
A friend of mine may be losing their baby and my heart is just breaking for them. It also takes me right back to the days where I lost my babies. Sad, sad days.
~Shannon
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Nausea and vomiting/ 21 weeks
So over the past three weeks I have really been not feeling well. The nausea/vomiting has gotten worse and worse. After being out of town for a few days, I ended up in the ER last night. I was starting to dehydrate and could not keep ANYTHING down. That was incredibly frustrating.
The good news was I got fluids and started to feel much better. I also got a prescription for anti-nausea and anti-heartburn meds. I hadn't slept in a few days either so I was in rough shape, physically. Finally, this morning, I feel better! I am supposed to take these meds around the clock so ideally my nausea/vomiting should be taken care of.
I sent a text out to someone yesterday, expressing how frustrated I was because I felt like I wasn't able to function because I feel that I have been sick most of the past year due to all four pregnancies. I can't even call people or talk on the phone as much as possible. I spend a good chunk of time each day just laying down trying not to be sick. I haven't been able to see people as much as I'd like and it seems like Chris and I have limited time together and most of the time we are together, I am sick. It's been difficult. In the car is the worst. That's part of why we made our trip longer this weekend to visit family and friends in Michigan. Even when we were out of town this past weekend, I was sick a lot of it....on the car trip, it took us almost eight hours instead the four and a half it normally does and on the way home, I was sick. I felt nauseated waiting for food at a wedding on Saturday because lunch had worn off. It gets frustrating...but then I remember that this baby is inside of me and is growing and is healthy and that this is just part of the process...
On an awesomer note though, I'm 21 weeks pregnant. As of yesterday. How cool is that? Granted I wish I could celebrate with more than a barf bucket and Gatorade but only 19 weeks to go...MORE THAN HALFWAY THERE! So blessed. And yet so scared...and still worried and still missing the other babies.
~Shannon
The good news was I got fluids and started to feel much better. I also got a prescription for anti-nausea and anti-heartburn meds. I hadn't slept in a few days either so I was in rough shape, physically. Finally, this morning, I feel better! I am supposed to take these meds around the clock so ideally my nausea/vomiting should be taken care of.
I sent a text out to someone yesterday, expressing how frustrated I was because I felt like I wasn't able to function because I feel that I have been sick most of the past year due to all four pregnancies. I can't even call people or talk on the phone as much as possible. I spend a good chunk of time each day just laying down trying not to be sick. I haven't been able to see people as much as I'd like and it seems like Chris and I have limited time together and most of the time we are together, I am sick. It's been difficult. In the car is the worst. That's part of why we made our trip longer this weekend to visit family and friends in Michigan. Even when we were out of town this past weekend, I was sick a lot of it....on the car trip, it took us almost eight hours instead the four and a half it normally does and on the way home, I was sick. I felt nauseated waiting for food at a wedding on Saturday because lunch had worn off. It gets frustrating...but then I remember that this baby is inside of me and is growing and is healthy and that this is just part of the process...
On an awesomer note though, I'm 21 weeks pregnant. As of yesterday. How cool is that? Granted I wish I could celebrate with more than a barf bucket and Gatorade but only 19 weeks to go...MORE THAN HALFWAY THERE! So blessed. And yet so scared...and still worried and still missing the other babies.
~Shannon
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
My three heaven living babies
June 3rd. I have no clue whether or not Samantha would have been born on April 3rd. I just know that it is the due date we were given. So it's the closest thing I have to what a birthdate would have been. In two days, I realize that Samantha could have been two months old.
Dominic...I thought was going to be our miracle baby. I thought he'd be the peace that came after Samantha. It wasn't to be so. He would have been due in early August, I believe.
Noah. Our first 2011 conception and beautiful baby. I thought he was our New Year, New Hope Baby. But I was wrong again. He was only with us for a short time. I miss him....I feel him inside of me still in a sense......because Sprout came into me just a couple of weeks after he left. They practically shared the space in my body. Because two weeks after I lost him.....I conceived again. He would be due in mid September...would have been probably just about a month before my current due date of October 18th. Instead of 20 weeks pregnant, I'd be 24....Crazy.
But I don't want him in place of Sprout. But nor would I pick this baby in place of Noah, Dominic, and Samantha....and it would be cruel of anyone, even myself, to force me to pick one of them over another.
Yesterday was my 20 weeks mark and my BIG ultrasound. We found out what the gender is but still are not going to announce until the birth... It will take some processing to accept. I knew no matter whether they told us boy or girl that it would be difficult because we've lost one little girl and two little boys already so either way, our hearts would hurt. I also realized that this baby....has one big sister and one big brother. And I so wonder if Sprout's siblings would look like him/her now that I've seen Sprout's features on the ultrasound. I believe Sprout has Daddy's nose and mouth, and Mommy's chin...and a combo of both of our foreheads. What would Samantha, Dominic, and Noah look like? Would they look like Sprout? Would they look like me or like Chris? Questions I don't think I'll ever know the answer to this side of heaven.
I cried last night.
I let yesterday be Sprout's. I was filled with joy at this little miracle inside of me. Chris and I marveled at the perfectly made, delicate body parts we saw.......we realized again how precious life is...by looking at this tiny baby inside of me. I let myself rejoice in this little baby that is currently inside.
But by night, grief had built up. And my best friend R is so good at reminding me that grief has to be let out...Like a faucet, you have to open the spigot and let it flow....or else the pressure gets too heavy and could burst. I cried a little. I'm still missing the other babies. And I feel so cheated out of life with them and out of the pregnancy with them. Samantha, somewhat, I got to marvel over her features. But neither Dominic or Noah.....they were here and gone in the blink of an eye.
I miss them still.
But I love Sprout.
I remind myself that it's okay to feel both ways at one time...but it is hard. I feel like I am cheating this baby out of the current joy that I should have for him/her...but.....I know that it's reality. Life is not perfect. The loss of our three babies has forever changed who we are, who I am, and I have to accept that. It will impact me forever, as long as I live, I think.....and that's just part of the reality and the family we have........
That's a lot...and I know it's heavy...but it needed to be said!
~Shannon
Dominic...I thought was going to be our miracle baby. I thought he'd be the peace that came after Samantha. It wasn't to be so. He would have been due in early August, I believe.
Noah. Our first 2011 conception and beautiful baby. I thought he was our New Year, New Hope Baby. But I was wrong again. He was only with us for a short time. I miss him....I feel him inside of me still in a sense......because Sprout came into me just a couple of weeks after he left. They practically shared the space in my body. Because two weeks after I lost him.....I conceived again. He would be due in mid September...would have been probably just about a month before my current due date of October 18th. Instead of 20 weeks pregnant, I'd be 24....Crazy.
But I don't want him in place of Sprout. But nor would I pick this baby in place of Noah, Dominic, and Samantha....and it would be cruel of anyone, even myself, to force me to pick one of them over another.
Yesterday was my 20 weeks mark and my BIG ultrasound. We found out what the gender is but still are not going to announce until the birth... It will take some processing to accept. I knew no matter whether they told us boy or girl that it would be difficult because we've lost one little girl and two little boys already so either way, our hearts would hurt. I also realized that this baby....has one big sister and one big brother. And I so wonder if Sprout's siblings would look like him/her now that I've seen Sprout's features on the ultrasound. I believe Sprout has Daddy's nose and mouth, and Mommy's chin...and a combo of both of our foreheads. What would Samantha, Dominic, and Noah look like? Would they look like Sprout? Would they look like me or like Chris? Questions I don't think I'll ever know the answer to this side of heaven.
I cried last night.
I let yesterday be Sprout's. I was filled with joy at this little miracle inside of me. Chris and I marveled at the perfectly made, delicate body parts we saw.......we realized again how precious life is...by looking at this tiny baby inside of me. I let myself rejoice in this little baby that is currently inside.
But by night, grief had built up. And my best friend R is so good at reminding me that grief has to be let out...Like a faucet, you have to open the spigot and let it flow....or else the pressure gets too heavy and could burst. I cried a little. I'm still missing the other babies. And I feel so cheated out of life with them and out of the pregnancy with them. Samantha, somewhat, I got to marvel over her features. But neither Dominic or Noah.....they were here and gone in the blink of an eye.
I miss them still.
But I love Sprout.
I remind myself that it's okay to feel both ways at one time...but it is hard. I feel like I am cheating this baby out of the current joy that I should have for him/her...but.....I know that it's reality. Life is not perfect. The loss of our three babies has forever changed who we are, who I am, and I have to accept that. It will impact me forever, as long as I live, I think.....and that's just part of the reality and the family we have........
That's a lot...and I know it's heavy...but it needed to be said!
~Shannon
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
19 weeks, 1 day
I am nineteen weeks along. Next week is our big ultrasound. Anticipating everything going well with this but still nervous of course.
Our house is starting to get more and more cozy and the way we want it to be. They say it takes a year to get settled. It's been just over a year ish...and we are finally getting things set up the way that we want to. We rearranged the living room last night, discussing where we want to get/keep an arts and crafts chest and where we'll set up the play pen. We have a beautiful solid oak board that will be turned into a shelf in our kitchen. We can put some extra appliances on the shelf and then we will be able to have more counter space.
Sprout's room is painted and ready as things come into it. We just need to clean out the closet, but we'll save that for another day--it's not too big of a closet...and it'll be easier if we actually have a plan/place to move those things.
We are going to find out the sex next week if we can...and then I will be making little boy/girl specific things, etc. and be able to really imagine this baby in October.
Things are coming together in our house! Which is great. They are also coming together outside....landscaping, plants, etc. Slowly but surely.....which is amazing. Most credit goes to Chris, who is in school full time and working full time, and yet manages our home and our marriage with such care. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man! He takes such good care of me and provides financially and emotionally. I am so glad I have that security. Over the past five months, our marriage has really blossomed and has flourished and I think that the miscarriages actually made us stronger.
Anyway, that's a lot of rambling....out of my pregnant brain...
But things are good. And I have quite a few quiet days at work so that's awesome too. Things were hectic for awhile so I wasn't sure what to expect...but they settled!
That's it....
~Shannon
Our house is starting to get more and more cozy and the way we want it to be. They say it takes a year to get settled. It's been just over a year ish...and we are finally getting things set up the way that we want to. We rearranged the living room last night, discussing where we want to get/keep an arts and crafts chest and where we'll set up the play pen. We have a beautiful solid oak board that will be turned into a shelf in our kitchen. We can put some extra appliances on the shelf and then we will be able to have more counter space.
Sprout's room is painted and ready as things come into it. We just need to clean out the closet, but we'll save that for another day--it's not too big of a closet...and it'll be easier if we actually have a plan/place to move those things.
We are going to find out the sex next week if we can...and then I will be making little boy/girl specific things, etc. and be able to really imagine this baby in October.
Things are coming together in our house! Which is great. They are also coming together outside....landscaping, plants, etc. Slowly but surely.....which is amazing. Most credit goes to Chris, who is in school full time and working full time, and yet manages our home and our marriage with such care. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man! He takes such good care of me and provides financially and emotionally. I am so glad I have that security. Over the past five months, our marriage has really blossomed and has flourished and I think that the miscarriages actually made us stronger.
Anyway, that's a lot of rambling....out of my pregnant brain...
But things are good. And I have quite a few quiet days at work so that's awesome too. Things were hectic for awhile so I wasn't sure what to expect...but they settled!
That's it....
~Shannon
Monday, May 23, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
18 weeks pregnant
Why does 18 sound like more than 17?
I guess it is...
But wow.
Today I'm 18 weeks pregnant.
Thank you, Lord.
~Shannon
I guess it is...
But wow.
Today I'm 18 weeks pregnant.
Thank you, Lord.
~Shannon
Monday, May 16, 2011
Every milestone
I just have to say...
Because this is my place to share things...
Every milestone with this baby makes me miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a whole lot.
A whole lot.
Because I missed out on all of theirs.
And no, it doesn't make me feel better that I wouldn't have Sprout if it wasn't for their losses. I could never choose between two of my children and putting them in the fate of time box doesn't make me feel better. My heart, regardless of reality, wants all four of our children in our home now...but that's not how life is.
Anyhow, I feel a little better now that I shared this. It's good to be real here.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Because this is my place to share things...
Every milestone with this baby makes me miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a whole lot.
A whole lot.
Because I missed out on all of theirs.
And no, it doesn't make me feel better that I wouldn't have Sprout if it wasn't for their losses. I could never choose between two of my children and putting them in the fate of time box doesn't make me feel better. My heart, regardless of reality, wants all four of our children in our home now...but that's not how life is.
Anyhow, I feel a little better now that I shared this. It's good to be real here.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Little blessings
The baby room is painted. Soon to become a true nursery...as furniture and things fill it up!
Chris and I have a good plan for child care figured out between the two of us. We really didn't want to have to use outside childcare, not even family or friends too often....We really wanted to, as parents, provide this baby care ourselves, as much as possible. He will be doing nursing school part time and I will be working part-time. This will be a good transition for both of us, I think, allowing all three of us to have time as a family...as well as allowing our child sufficient parental attention.
We have our registry done. Wow.
Our twenty week ultrasound is set up.
We have started talking about baptism, godparents, names, etc.
We are moving in the right direction of baby-hood. This is a blessing!
~Shannon
Chris and I have a good plan for child care figured out between the two of us. We really didn't want to have to use outside childcare, not even family or friends too often....We really wanted to, as parents, provide this baby care ourselves, as much as possible. He will be doing nursing school part time and I will be working part-time. This will be a good transition for both of us, I think, allowing all three of us to have time as a family...as well as allowing our child sufficient parental attention.
We have our registry done. Wow.
Our twenty week ultrasound is set up.
We have started talking about baptism, godparents, names, etc.
We are moving in the right direction of baby-hood. This is a blessing!
~Shannon
18 weeks pregnant
Tomorrow I will be eighteen weeks pregnant.
That's thrilling.
And yet, I'm still terrified something is wrong.
Why? Nothing has been wrong. I'm still afraid that something is wrong....
I'm hoping all is well...
I'm so grateful for my husband, my sister B, and my best friends...because with them....JUST knowing that they care and they seem to 'get it' better than the average person helps me.......I love them. So much.
But every day is a day closer.
~Shannon
That's thrilling.
And yet, I'm still terrified something is wrong.
Why? Nothing has been wrong. I'm still afraid that something is wrong....
I'm hoping all is well...
I'm so grateful for my husband, my sister B, and my best friends...because with them....JUST knowing that they care and they seem to 'get it' better than the average person helps me.......I love them. So much.
But every day is a day closer.
~Shannon
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
In sixth months it might all be different
In six months, it might all be different.
I'm scared to believe that.
But I'm hoping it's true.
I had a dentist appointment today. When I was done with my cleaning, I went to schedule my next appointment in six months. Which was the beginning of November. I was amazed to think that at the time I would be getting the next cleaning, I could have a tiny baby! A baby! A baby! It kind of excited me...
So it made me realize that we are slowly trekking through this pregnancy and every day is a day closer to holding little Sprout.
~Shannon
I'm scared to believe that.
But I'm hoping it's true.
I had a dentist appointment today. When I was done with my cleaning, I went to schedule my next appointment in six months. Which was the beginning of November. I was amazed to think that at the time I would be getting the next cleaning, I could have a tiny baby! A baby! A baby! It kind of excited me...
So it made me realize that we are slowly trekking through this pregnancy and every day is a day closer to holding little Sprout.
~Shannon
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mother's Day
Mother's Day was hard. I didn't comment on it before. I kind of just let it sneak up on me. Yesterday, I cried on and off....I called my best friend, B, and shared a little of how I was feeling and then when Chris came home from work...I cried on his shoulder. He reassured me that it was okay to cry and be sad every once in awhile. I didn't let it consume me so that's good. I'm learning to take care of myself. For example, yesterday, I knew it was going to be hard so I didn't make plans. Yes, sometimes plans are good. But I took the time to paint both my fingernails and toenails a lovely shade of summery pink. I laid out on our deck and read a novel. I enjoyed eating fresh fruit and bought a maternity shirt at the mall. I had a couple of nice phone calls, snuggled with my cats, and reflected on God's goodness. It was a day filled with little blessings and God's grace was sufficient to get me through.
Saturday night, Chris and I had gone to church...since he had to work on Sunday. As I skimmed through our bulletin at the beginning of the service, I was a little emotional. There was a Mother's Day prayer that all moms were supposed to speak. I felt overwhelmed. Was I a mom? I know in my heart I am...but I didn't want to overstep my bounds and weird out the people around me. If Samantha had been born, she'd already be here....but she's not. Dominic and Noah are in heaven. And Sprout's still inside of me. Talk about confusion. Chris, oh dear sweet husband he is, said to me that yes, I was a mom, and yes, I should say the prayer. No ifs, ands, or buts. Okay, but I still felt funny. Then our pastor, during the offering, came over to me and asked if I would start the Mother's Day prayer. I cried and then said yes. Then he announced that I would be leading, as the newest mom amongst them, and that the other mom should join in with me. They did and that was really special for me. Chris and I both loved our pastor dearly in that moment! He took a hurting situation and turned it into a healing one!
Anyhow, that's how the day went......I can't say my heart didn't hurt....because it did. But like Chris said...given our experiences...that's normal.
~Shannon
Saturday night, Chris and I had gone to church...since he had to work on Sunday. As I skimmed through our bulletin at the beginning of the service, I was a little emotional. There was a Mother's Day prayer that all moms were supposed to speak. I felt overwhelmed. Was I a mom? I know in my heart I am...but I didn't want to overstep my bounds and weird out the people around me. If Samantha had been born, she'd already be here....but she's not. Dominic and Noah are in heaven. And Sprout's still inside of me. Talk about confusion. Chris, oh dear sweet husband he is, said to me that yes, I was a mom, and yes, I should say the prayer. No ifs, ands, or buts. Okay, but I still felt funny. Then our pastor, during the offering, came over to me and asked if I would start the Mother's Day prayer. I cried and then said yes. Then he announced that I would be leading, as the newest mom amongst them, and that the other mom should join in with me. They did and that was really special for me. Chris and I both loved our pastor dearly in that moment! He took a hurting situation and turned it into a healing one!
Anyhow, that's how the day went......I can't say my heart didn't hurt....because it did. But like Chris said...given our experiences...that's normal.
~Shannon
17 weeks pregnant tomorrow
Tomorrow I will be 17 weeks pregnant. We're excited because LAST weekend, I started to feel wiggles and flutters. That was so cool. I don't feel it all the time but it's there. Our baby Sprout is wiggling.
I can't help but wonder though...how different the pregnancy process would be if I had never miscarried. Then I realize too...in our situation, we wouldn't have Sprout inside of me....if we had never lost Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. The beauty of it is that we don't have to analyze and choose what our reality should be. We just have to accept what it is. And we do love this baby a lot too.
We're getting ready for the ultrasound in between 18-20 weeks so that'll be coming up. I'm nervous about that because you never know what can be wrong. But we are praying and trusting God. He has never left our side before so whatever, healthy or even if something is noted on the ultrasound, we still know that He will be our God and He holds the universe in His hands.
That's reassuring.
~Shannon
I can't help but wonder though...how different the pregnancy process would be if I had never miscarried. Then I realize too...in our situation, we wouldn't have Sprout inside of me....if we had never lost Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. The beauty of it is that we don't have to analyze and choose what our reality should be. We just have to accept what it is. And we do love this baby a lot too.
We're getting ready for the ultrasound in between 18-20 weeks so that'll be coming up. I'm nervous about that because you never know what can be wrong. But we are praying and trusting God. He has never left our side before so whatever, healthy or even if something is noted on the ultrasound, we still know that He will be our God and He holds the universe in His hands.
That's reassuring.
~Shannon
Thursday, April 28, 2011
15.5 weeks pregnant
Yes, it's true. I am just about fifteen and a half weeks pregnant. I am starting to accept that there is a child inside of me and that there is a good possibility that this child will come home with us in October. It's an incredible feeling. I feel so blessed.
And yet, there's an underlying anxiety that doubts......could this really be happening? It's surreal.......I feel a bit disconnected sometimes.
I am reminded daily that I am not in control. God is. Whatever happens is His will. Daily, I have to learn to trust again and leave my burdens at the foot of the cross. And to take it one day at a time.
For today, I accept that there is a beautiful, precious child of God, our little baby Sprout, inside of me and that his or her heart is beating strong and we are blessed.
No matter what happens, we are blessed. Beyond measure. Our God is good.
And we yearn for life, eternal life, that'll never fade, for all of our children...not just temporary earthly passings. Ultimately, to dwell in the presence of the house of the Lord forever.
We are blessed. So are Sprout's sister and brothers. They dance with Jesus every day and celebrate the high feast of the lamb in His presence. There is no pain or sorrow. And one day, we believe we will be there too, and all will be right!
~Shannon
And yet, there's an underlying anxiety that doubts......could this really be happening? It's surreal.......I feel a bit disconnected sometimes.
I am reminded daily that I am not in control. God is. Whatever happens is His will. Daily, I have to learn to trust again and leave my burdens at the foot of the cross. And to take it one day at a time.
For today, I accept that there is a beautiful, precious child of God, our little baby Sprout, inside of me and that his or her heart is beating strong and we are blessed.
No matter what happens, we are blessed. Beyond measure. Our God is good.
And we yearn for life, eternal life, that'll never fade, for all of our children...not just temporary earthly passings. Ultimately, to dwell in the presence of the house of the Lord forever.
We are blessed. So are Sprout's sister and brothers. They dance with Jesus every day and celebrate the high feast of the lamb in His presence. There is no pain or sorrow. And one day, we believe we will be there too, and all will be right!
~Shannon
Easter: Resurrection, Life, and Joy
I was so blessed this past Easter. It was a slightly different experience for me...as I didn't spend it with my husband and either of our families. I spent it with my church family, the body of Christ, for worship, and then a couple of dear friends from church for Easter dinner. And I was blessed!
When I arrived at church on Sunday, I was about five minutes late. This was slightly discombobulating for me as all Easter services are packed and our contemporary service was no exception! I slid into the front row, which wasn't a big deal, because I enjoy sitting up front.....and started worshipping with the band and the rest of the group of believers.
The service was wonderful but I can truly say that the message was what touched my heart the most. I found that what our pastor shared was just what I needed to hear. First, he reminded us that, in the same way that God took care of the stone at the burial site of Christ, that He can take care of all stones and obstacles in our life. Then he also reminded us of how important it was that Christ was buried. First of all, it proves he had died. Secondly, in His burial, Christ was carrying our sins to the grave. When He rises from the dead, in a glorified body, He leaves our sins behind--never again to haunt us or torment us! They were buried and are no more!
While those points in the sermon were incredibly important for me to hear.....there is one more point he made. That was most important. He talked about when everyone is asking the 'why' questions about the crucifixion and Jesus' situation, Jesus answer the question with a who response, NOT a why response. He says 'I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me will never perish but shall have eternal life.'
Why was this so important? I can ask why all I want. I sometimes do wonder why.....Samantha, Dominic, and Noah were taken....I don't have an answer. And yet, as our pastor said, Jesus chooses not to answer the why questions sometimes. But He does answer the who question. Pastor said 'Is it enough for you to know that? That He is the resurrection and the life? He may never answer the why but He answered the who. Do you believe that?'
I do believe that. With all my heart. Despite my circumstances, and the struggles, we've had...I believe that Jesus is the resurrection and the life and He is our hope!!!
One day, we will be reunited with our three precious children...and I pray that the children God blesses us with on earth...will grow to know Him and glorify His name...and that one day, our family will be together and things will finally be right.
Thank you, Lord, that you were forsaken so that we never will be. Thank you, Lord, for carrying our sins far away. And thank you, for giving us eternal life......We would be so lost in despair without you. We love you beyond measure because you loved us first.
~Shannon
When I arrived at church on Sunday, I was about five minutes late. This was slightly discombobulating for me as all Easter services are packed and our contemporary service was no exception! I slid into the front row, which wasn't a big deal, because I enjoy sitting up front.....and started worshipping with the band and the rest of the group of believers.
The service was wonderful but I can truly say that the message was what touched my heart the most. I found that what our pastor shared was just what I needed to hear. First, he reminded us that, in the same way that God took care of the stone at the burial site of Christ, that He can take care of all stones and obstacles in our life. Then he also reminded us of how important it was that Christ was buried. First of all, it proves he had died. Secondly, in His burial, Christ was carrying our sins to the grave. When He rises from the dead, in a glorified body, He leaves our sins behind--never again to haunt us or torment us! They were buried and are no more!
While those points in the sermon were incredibly important for me to hear.....there is one more point he made. That was most important. He talked about when everyone is asking the 'why' questions about the crucifixion and Jesus' situation, Jesus answer the question with a who response, NOT a why response. He says 'I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me will never perish but shall have eternal life.'
Why was this so important? I can ask why all I want. I sometimes do wonder why.....Samantha, Dominic, and Noah were taken....I don't have an answer. And yet, as our pastor said, Jesus chooses not to answer the why questions sometimes. But He does answer the who question. Pastor said 'Is it enough for you to know that? That He is the resurrection and the life? He may never answer the why but He answered the who. Do you believe that?'
I do believe that. With all my heart. Despite my circumstances, and the struggles, we've had...I believe that Jesus is the resurrection and the life and He is our hope!!!
One day, we will be reunited with our three precious children...and I pray that the children God blesses us with on earth...will grow to know Him and glorify His name...and that one day, our family will be together and things will finally be right.
Thank you, Lord, that you were forsaken so that we never will be. Thank you, Lord, for carrying our sins far away. And thank you, for giving us eternal life......We would be so lost in despair without you. We love you beyond measure because you loved us first.
~Shannon
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Life leaves scars...
Life leaves scars.
It doesn't mean healing doesn't take place.
It does.
It simply means that we'll never be the same.
Never the same as we were before that wound was inflicted.
It simply means that there will always be a tender spot.
A reminder of what happened.
I feel so blessed some days. I am almost fourteen and a half weeks pregnant with baby Sprout. Our little one has a gloriously healthy heartbeat and my body seems to be pregnant still. We are out of the first trimester.
And yet, somedays, my aches from my scars flare up. Like when the people around me are having babies that we should have shared a birth month with and I know that my first child, Samantha, would have been due this month. Mother's Day is next month. That's going to be hard too. Also, our little sisters are going to be/have gotten confirmed in their home church. When I envisioned all that happening, I planned on Samantha Peep being in the picture. She's not. Our arms are still empty and anxiously we wait and plan, not knowing whether or not this child will come home with us.
I sometimes feel that I can't focus on this baby. I am afraid to get too attached. When I start to get attached, I start to cry and I start to feel panicked, like someone is going to take this baby away. I am helpless to stop anything from happening, I am helpless to protect my child, and I am terrified that it's going to happen again.
I also struggle with body image. My body hasn't gone through major changes yet, but it is changing. It's weird. I can, technically, still wear my regular clothes. However, they are not comfortable. My hips are shifting and my uterus is rising up and starting to fill out...I've not baby bumped yet but my body is changing. I try to remember that my body is changing to accomodate and grow a baby. That my body is essentially my baby's body right now too! At least, it is my baby's home right now...so he/she is going to have an impact. But sometimes, I put something on and I panic because it doesn't feel or look exactly the same as it once did.
Faith is also a struggle. I know that I believe in creator God, Savior Jesus Christ, and ever-present Holy Spirit. However, different doctrinal things have been on my heart. I have really been struggling with that. It's something I need to explore with Scripture and pastoral guidance.
I am also really struggling emotionally. I think part of it what I wrote about earlier. The loss of Samantha, Dominic, and of Noah.........I know that this is simply the way things are and I can't not be grateful that Sprout is in me. I need to find acceptance. I don't have to find understanding. Sometimes our human minds can not comprehend the will of God. He doesn't ask that we understand. We are simply to accept and have faith. I struggle with that. Not so much maybe acceptance but still that sadness that comes with living in a sinful world. I also struggle with knowing that I almost got rid of Samantha. It's so interesting how in one moment I felt so strongly one way and then in so many others, I would give ANYTHING for her to be present.
Emotionally, I have been really depressed. J and Chris want me to possibly go onto a medication but I am nervous because I am pregnant. However, leaving me unmedicated might be bad too. It's a difficult decision to make and one that won't be reached without lots of questioning and prayer. I have also been battling self-destructive thoughts and patterns. My best friends and sister have been available though...and that is a blessing.
I am also blessed to be in a support group with a bunch of other women who get the eating disorder component of life. They do, they get it. It is a blessing to spend time with them and be reassured that I am not alone and misunderstood and also to have guidance in those difficult days. They have offered a tremendous amount of the support recently and I feel blessed because of that.
One other area I am struggling with is the fear of being a new mom. I am afraid of a lot of things! I also am uncertain and feel that I will be awkward in many of the areas of parenting. Now, what I don't want from people is advice...I simply want people to make themselves available so that I have support when I have questions or concerns.
I also worry that our timing to have children was wrong. We've had to do some discussing of jobs, childcare, education, and a variety of things, and trying to juggle and shift things stresses me. I don't deal with change or transition well and so I think I am a little nervous at how big of a change having a baby will be. However, I do believe children are a blessing and that therefore, we are/will be blessed and taken care of. It's just hard. Depression and severe anxiety makes everything worse.
That's what is going on. That's a fairly raw and real expression of how I've been feeling lately and what's been going through my mind.
~Shannon
It doesn't mean healing doesn't take place.
It does.
It simply means that we'll never be the same.
Never the same as we were before that wound was inflicted.
It simply means that there will always be a tender spot.
A reminder of what happened.
I feel so blessed some days. I am almost fourteen and a half weeks pregnant with baby Sprout. Our little one has a gloriously healthy heartbeat and my body seems to be pregnant still. We are out of the first trimester.
And yet, somedays, my aches from my scars flare up. Like when the people around me are having babies that we should have shared a birth month with and I know that my first child, Samantha, would have been due this month. Mother's Day is next month. That's going to be hard too. Also, our little sisters are going to be/have gotten confirmed in their home church. When I envisioned all that happening, I planned on Samantha Peep being in the picture. She's not. Our arms are still empty and anxiously we wait and plan, not knowing whether or not this child will come home with us.
I sometimes feel that I can't focus on this baby. I am afraid to get too attached. When I start to get attached, I start to cry and I start to feel panicked, like someone is going to take this baby away. I am helpless to stop anything from happening, I am helpless to protect my child, and I am terrified that it's going to happen again.
I also struggle with body image. My body hasn't gone through major changes yet, but it is changing. It's weird. I can, technically, still wear my regular clothes. However, they are not comfortable. My hips are shifting and my uterus is rising up and starting to fill out...I've not baby bumped yet but my body is changing. I try to remember that my body is changing to accomodate and grow a baby. That my body is essentially my baby's body right now too! At least, it is my baby's home right now...so he/she is going to have an impact. But sometimes, I put something on and I panic because it doesn't feel or look exactly the same as it once did.
Faith is also a struggle. I know that I believe in creator God, Savior Jesus Christ, and ever-present Holy Spirit. However, different doctrinal things have been on my heart. I have really been struggling with that. It's something I need to explore with Scripture and pastoral guidance.
I am also really struggling emotionally. I think part of it what I wrote about earlier. The loss of Samantha, Dominic, and of Noah.........I know that this is simply the way things are and I can't not be grateful that Sprout is in me. I need to find acceptance. I don't have to find understanding. Sometimes our human minds can not comprehend the will of God. He doesn't ask that we understand. We are simply to accept and have faith. I struggle with that. Not so much maybe acceptance but still that sadness that comes with living in a sinful world. I also struggle with knowing that I almost got rid of Samantha. It's so interesting how in one moment I felt so strongly one way and then in so many others, I would give ANYTHING for her to be present.
Emotionally, I have been really depressed. J and Chris want me to possibly go onto a medication but I am nervous because I am pregnant. However, leaving me unmedicated might be bad too. It's a difficult decision to make and one that won't be reached without lots of questioning and prayer. I have also been battling self-destructive thoughts and patterns. My best friends and sister have been available though...and that is a blessing.
I am also blessed to be in a support group with a bunch of other women who get the eating disorder component of life. They do, they get it. It is a blessing to spend time with them and be reassured that I am not alone and misunderstood and also to have guidance in those difficult days. They have offered a tremendous amount of the support recently and I feel blessed because of that.
One other area I am struggling with is the fear of being a new mom. I am afraid of a lot of things! I also am uncertain and feel that I will be awkward in many of the areas of parenting. Now, what I don't want from people is advice...I simply want people to make themselves available so that I have support when I have questions or concerns.
I also worry that our timing to have children was wrong. We've had to do some discussing of jobs, childcare, education, and a variety of things, and trying to juggle and shift things stresses me. I don't deal with change or transition well and so I think I am a little nervous at how big of a change having a baby will be. However, I do believe children are a blessing and that therefore, we are/will be blessed and taken care of. It's just hard. Depression and severe anxiety makes everything worse.
That's what is going on. That's a fairly raw and real expression of how I've been feeling lately and what's been going through my mind.
~Shannon
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
13 weeks, 1 day
13 weeks, 1 day
Yesterday, I was bleeding
I thought I had lost Sprout
I was terrified
But they found a heartbeat and the bleeding stopped
I was so relieved
But now I am worried that I am going to miscarry
And that it's only a matter of time
Maybe that's not rational
But it's how I FEEL
~Shannon
Yesterday, I was bleeding
I thought I had lost Sprout
I was terrified
But they found a heartbeat and the bleeding stopped
I was so relieved
But now I am worried that I am going to miscarry
And that it's only a matter of time
Maybe that's not rational
But it's how I FEEL
~Shannon
Shup Up ED So I Can Hear Me
In J's office, there's a t-shirt that another young woman struggling with ED made. It says 'Shut up ED so I can hear me.' Somehow, until last night, all I had seen is 'Shut up so I can hear me.' ED makes all the difference. For those of you who might somehow be confused....ED stands for eating disorder.
That phrase has been in my mind all morning. Perhaps it is because I was in group therapy last night and that's when I really noticed it because it was brought up by J.
Do you know how hard it is for me to hear myself? I can't hear myself think. I feel hunger settle in at lunch time and I'm trying to think about what I should eat for Sprout and myself. Instead of being able to think clearly, I hear voices telling me not to eat That I don't need to eat. That I'm not worth it to eat. And I can't hear myself think! I just don't want to eat....But I need to eat! IT IS SO DARN FRUSTRATING. And then when I finally do decide to eat, there are times where it's so complicated to decide WHAT to eat. Makes me so angry.
Shut up, ED, so I can hear ME.
~Shannon
That phrase has been in my mind all morning. Perhaps it is because I was in group therapy last night and that's when I really noticed it because it was brought up by J.
Do you know how hard it is for me to hear myself? I can't hear myself think. I feel hunger settle in at lunch time and I'm trying to think about what I should eat for Sprout and myself. Instead of being able to think clearly, I hear voices telling me not to eat That I don't need to eat. That I'm not worth it to eat. And I can't hear myself think! I just don't want to eat....But I need to eat! IT IS SO DARN FRUSTRATING. And then when I finally do decide to eat, there are times where it's so complicated to decide WHAT to eat. Makes me so angry.
Shut up, ED, so I can hear ME.
~Shannon
Monday, April 11, 2011
Wedding stuff
Well, some of you know that I was asked to be in my sister in law's wedding as matron of honor. I agreed. Then I got pregnant and with my eating disorder history...the dress became an adventure . Temptation kicked in. So I backed out. I consulted with 'wise people' before doing so and everyone was in agreement that I needed to back out.
I feel so relieved.
I am also so proud. I couldn't have said no and taken care of myself even six months ago. I credit J with helping me do that. She has really taught me how to take care of myself and that I am worth it. The people who love me will get that because they want me to take care of me.
It wasn't worth it to me to do something that could have hurt Sprout. So I am so glad to be able to say I made a decision that makes me a good mom.
~Shannon
I feel so relieved.
I am also so proud. I couldn't have said no and taken care of myself even six months ago. I credit J with helping me do that. She has really taught me how to take care of myself and that I am worth it. The people who love me will get that because they want me to take care of me.
It wasn't worth it to me to do something that could have hurt Sprout. So I am so glad to be able to say I made a decision that makes me a good mom.
~Shannon
A Variety of Things Going On
So I'm trying to be real here......
1. I hate sex. NOT really. But right now I do. There's too much anxiety for me surrounding it right now.
2. I can't seem to think about our anniversary without realizing that is when we conceived Samantha. It's not until July but still.
3. I adore my sister B. She sends me the sweetest texts at just the right time to say that she thinks I'm beautiful and that she loves me.
4. Yesterday was a good day but hard too. There was a baptism and I really, really, really struggled not to melt down. I couldn't melt down because I was on the stage as one of the worship leaders. But as I was looking at the little baby being baptized, I was wishing it was Samantha. It left me feeling a little wistful and then turned into anxiety for Sprout later that day.
5. My best friends are the best. I got to talk to B and E yesterday and it was such a blessed conversation. There are very few people in the world that I feel get me 100% and it's so great that my best friends do. I am blessed to have seven people (Chris, best friends, and my sister) who love me unconditionally, even when we don't always agree...we never disagree or fight. They understand I'm me...and accept me for that...and amazingly, love me for it. Thanks to my seven........
6. I love my mom. My mom and I had a fantastic number of conversations last week. I cried over some family stresses and frustrations and she was so empathic and encouraging. I can't wait to visit my family in a few weeks.
7. Christopher is incredible. I couldn't ask for more in a man. He is not perfect but he's so darn close. I have seen my husband grow tremendously in the past four months and I love him deeply. I know now how much God loves me because I am so blessed by him.
8. Our church family is as good to us as any family. I love our dear brothers n sisters, moms n dad, and grandparents in Christ. We feel so loved at our church and so blessed and such a part of the family of God. We wouldn't change a thing about the people who love us there.
9. Sprout will be 13 weeks tomorrow! Need I say more? I feel that I will be nervous until the next appointment...which is 15 days away.
10. Jesus is my all in all. He never gives me more than I can handle. I love you, Lord.
~Shannon
1. I hate sex. NOT really. But right now I do. There's too much anxiety for me surrounding it right now.
2. I can't seem to think about our anniversary without realizing that is when we conceived Samantha. It's not until July but still.
3. I adore my sister B. She sends me the sweetest texts at just the right time to say that she thinks I'm beautiful and that she loves me.
4. Yesterday was a good day but hard too. There was a baptism and I really, really, really struggled not to melt down. I couldn't melt down because I was on the stage as one of the worship leaders. But as I was looking at the little baby being baptized, I was wishing it was Samantha. It left me feeling a little wistful and then turned into anxiety for Sprout later that day.
5. My best friends are the best. I got to talk to B and E yesterday and it was such a blessed conversation. There are very few people in the world that I feel get me 100% and it's so great that my best friends do. I am blessed to have seven people (Chris, best friends, and my sister) who love me unconditionally, even when we don't always agree...we never disagree or fight. They understand I'm me...and accept me for that...and amazingly, love me for it. Thanks to my seven........
6. I love my mom. My mom and I had a fantastic number of conversations last week. I cried over some family stresses and frustrations and she was so empathic and encouraging. I can't wait to visit my family in a few weeks.
7. Christopher is incredible. I couldn't ask for more in a man. He is not perfect but he's so darn close. I have seen my husband grow tremendously in the past four months and I love him deeply. I know now how much God loves me because I am so blessed by him.
8. Our church family is as good to us as any family. I love our dear brothers n sisters, moms n dad, and grandparents in Christ. We feel so loved at our church and so blessed and such a part of the family of God. We wouldn't change a thing about the people who love us there.
9. Sprout will be 13 weeks tomorrow! Need I say more? I feel that I will be nervous until the next appointment...which is 15 days away.
10. Jesus is my all in all. He never gives me more than I can handle. I love you, Lord.
~Shannon
Thursday, April 7, 2011
God Knows Best
I am now 12.5 weeks pregnant. I measure my pregnant in full and half weeks. It makes it go quicker for me. I realize that my next measurement will be 13 weeks. How exciting is that?
I don't know if it's because I'm past the due date of Samantha but I am starting to be excited about baby Sprout. This one may make it home. Our doctor was fairly confident. Other sites have said that once you get past the point where you lost your child or something went wrong, it's a little easier to have peace over this child. So if you lost a child after birth, you may be unsettled until after birth and that time point has passed. This is a natural response to a loss and our ability to attempt to protect ourselves emotionally. It's okay that we feel that way. It is the consequence of living in a sinful world.
I am still a little apprehensive because I found out I had lost Samantha at the 13 week mark. Of course, she only measured in at 9 weeks so she'd probably been gone sooner but I am still a little apprehensive. However, I am not having any spotting, bleeding, or cramping. Something was wrong that first pregnancy...we'll never know what, but something was wrong. After I go to my next appointment at the 15 week mark, if we hear the heartbeat and get good news, then I think I might start to be able to breathe. It feels like these next 2.5 weeks will be really long but I am certain looking back on them that it won't feel that long. We are just trusting God and waiting on Him.
~Shannon
I don't know if it's because I'm past the due date of Samantha but I am starting to be excited about baby Sprout. This one may make it home. Our doctor was fairly confident. Other sites have said that once you get past the point where you lost your child or something went wrong, it's a little easier to have peace over this child. So if you lost a child after birth, you may be unsettled until after birth and that time point has passed. This is a natural response to a loss and our ability to attempt to protect ourselves emotionally. It's okay that we feel that way. It is the consequence of living in a sinful world.
I am still a little apprehensive because I found out I had lost Samantha at the 13 week mark. Of course, she only measured in at 9 weeks so she'd probably been gone sooner but I am still a little apprehensive. However, I am not having any spotting, bleeding, or cramping. Something was wrong that first pregnancy...we'll never know what, but something was wrong. After I go to my next appointment at the 15 week mark, if we hear the heartbeat and get good news, then I think I might start to be able to breathe. It feels like these next 2.5 weeks will be really long but I am certain looking back on them that it won't feel that long. We are just trusting God and waiting on Him.
~Shannon
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
12 weeks today
I am twelve weeks pregnant today. Crazy, right?
It is good.
I cried a lot on Sunday. A lot. But Samantha's due date has passed and so we will let that rest behind us and know that Samantha waits ahead, someday when we get to heaven.
The latest frustration is finding out the people who really care about you and accept you for you. Those people are the ones who wouldn't ask you to do something that would be emotionally unhealthy for you. I think that in society we don't put a lot of emphasis on taking care of ourselves emotionally. We talk about eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep...We don't talk about de-stressing, avoiding stressful situations, and keeping from burning out. I truly believe this is true. This means that people are not good at taking care of other people emotionally. If I tell you I am allergic to strawberries, would you tell me just to eat them anyways because they are good and if I only eat two or three it won't be a big deal? Probably not...so why, oh why, would you tell me to do something else that would be emotionally harmful and stressful to me and my baby, and could lead to being sick....? Not sure I get it.....
I am so learning, slowly but surely, who the people in my life are that I can trust.
My five best friends become more and more precious to me each day.....S, R, J, E, and B....They get me, they accept me for me...and would respect me if I told them something was going to be stressful. My sister too...I have had to tell her no before, or disagreed with her, but we don't fight and fight...We can have a healthy disagreement because she cares about me.
The stronger I get, as a person, the less some people will like me. I think I'm getting to be okay with that. I like me. I'm okay with me. I know who I am and what I can handle....I know how to say no...which is important when you have a child. I think it's okay that I'm strong.
Strength is about knowing who you are and what you stand for and not giving into anything less.......
I also don't make decisions without prayer and guidance...for wisdom. Don't doubt me on that. You may only see one piece of the puzzle but that's not my fault.
I am strong. I am.
I am a strong mom today who is taking care of a baby with a strong heartbeat and I have a strong husband who has a good sense of right and wrong and won't settle for anything less. He protects and defends his family and I feel blessed. For all our struggles, Chris and I are strong, and daily we get stronger.
Thank you, Lord, for strength and for providing for our family!
~Shannon
Thank you, Lord, for strength
It is good.
I cried a lot on Sunday. A lot. But Samantha's due date has passed and so we will let that rest behind us and know that Samantha waits ahead, someday when we get to heaven.
The latest frustration is finding out the people who really care about you and accept you for you. Those people are the ones who wouldn't ask you to do something that would be emotionally unhealthy for you. I think that in society we don't put a lot of emphasis on taking care of ourselves emotionally. We talk about eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep...We don't talk about de-stressing, avoiding stressful situations, and keeping from burning out. I truly believe this is true. This means that people are not good at taking care of other people emotionally. If I tell you I am allergic to strawberries, would you tell me just to eat them anyways because they are good and if I only eat two or three it won't be a big deal? Probably not...so why, oh why, would you tell me to do something else that would be emotionally harmful and stressful to me and my baby, and could lead to being sick....? Not sure I get it.....
I am so learning, slowly but surely, who the people in my life are that I can trust.
My five best friends become more and more precious to me each day.....S, R, J, E, and B....They get me, they accept me for me...and would respect me if I told them something was going to be stressful. My sister too...I have had to tell her no before, or disagreed with her, but we don't fight and fight...We can have a healthy disagreement because she cares about me.
The stronger I get, as a person, the less some people will like me. I think I'm getting to be okay with that. I like me. I'm okay with me. I know who I am and what I can handle....I know how to say no...which is important when you have a child. I think it's okay that I'm strong.
Strength is about knowing who you are and what you stand for and not giving into anything less.......
I also don't make decisions without prayer and guidance...for wisdom. Don't doubt me on that. You may only see one piece of the puzzle but that's not my fault.
I am strong. I am.
I am a strong mom today who is taking care of a baby with a strong heartbeat and I have a strong husband who has a good sense of right and wrong and won't settle for anything less. He protects and defends his family and I feel blessed. For all our struggles, Chris and I are strong, and daily we get stronger.
Thank you, Lord, for strength and for providing for our family!
~Shannon
Thank you, Lord, for strength
Friday, April 1, 2011
April 3rd....babies....missing you
April 3rd is just around the bend.
I wish I could sleep through the next two days.....
I miss Samantha...........................................
I want my baby. NOW.
I want Sprout too....In October.
I want Dominic and Noah.
I know realistically that isn't possible....
but reality has never..............
I feel like I'm sliding back into that darkness that I haven't felt since right after losing Samantha and the D&C and all that................
I hate this....
I HATE IT...I want to scream and cry...
it's not fair.
I wish I could sleep through the next two days.....
I miss Samantha...........................................
I want my baby. NOW.
I want Sprout too....In October.
I want Dominic and Noah.
I know realistically that isn't possible....
but reality has never..............
I feel like I'm sliding back into that darkness that I haven't felt since right after losing Samantha and the D&C and all that................
I hate this....
I HATE IT...I want to scream and cry...
it's not fair.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
pregnancy update
I am almost eleven and a half weeks pregnant.
I have heard the heartbeat on the Doppler in the office.
We've seen the baby on ultrasound.
We've been purchasing little things here and there, as well as pulling out 'hand me downs' from our other babies.
I've had tinges of spotting but nothing abnormal and all has been confirmed to be well.
I am almost done with the first trimester.
My due date is October 18th.
We haven't really accepted that this one might work out yet. In time, we will. I think we are still a little shell shocked.
That's a heads up.
~Shannon
I have heard the heartbeat on the Doppler in the office.
We've seen the baby on ultrasound.
We've been purchasing little things here and there, as well as pulling out 'hand me downs' from our other babies.
I've had tinges of spotting but nothing abnormal and all has been confirmed to be well.
I am almost done with the first trimester.
My due date is October 18th.
We haven't really accepted that this one might work out yet. In time, we will. I think we are still a little shell shocked.
That's a heads up.
~Shannon
Rejoicing in this pregnancy and grieving Samantha
I have been avoiding writing and actually avoiding talking with people. J wants me to reach out and connect with people but I don't know if I want to do that. I am struggling. I am rejoicing and filled with joy and delight in my heart at this our fourth pregnancy, which is going well, and yet....I am filled with pain...and a great disappointment. Why?
Samantha's due date would be this Sunday, April 3rd. It's breaking my heart. I feel that the whole month of April will be difficult. I am wondering would I have come late or early on my own? Would Samantha have been induced? Would my labor have been long? What would have her cry sounded like? And most of all, what would it have been to look into her precious eyes and hold her in our arms? To pray and rejoice over her...
It's not fair.
But then again...life's not fair. We are the ones who messed it up with sin. I get that. I also know that Samantha is with Jesus and Noah and Dominic. I get that. But it doesn't make it hurt less...
Plus I'm probably very much more (is that correct grammar? no!) emotional because I am pregnant....
And it looks like Sprout might turn out to be our rainbow baby. Just maybe this is the Lord's plan and timing for us to bring a child home.
But I don't understand it. I'm not angry at God. I'm really not.
I'm just so sad and confused....
and not sure how to reach out and who gets it.
~Shannon
Samantha's due date would be this Sunday, April 3rd. It's breaking my heart. I feel that the whole month of April will be difficult. I am wondering would I have come late or early on my own? Would Samantha have been induced? Would my labor have been long? What would have her cry sounded like? And most of all, what would it have been to look into her precious eyes and hold her in our arms? To pray and rejoice over her...
It's not fair.
But then again...life's not fair. We are the ones who messed it up with sin. I get that. I also know that Samantha is with Jesus and Noah and Dominic. I get that. But it doesn't make it hurt less...
Plus I'm probably very much more (is that correct grammar? no!) emotional because I am pregnant....
And it looks like Sprout might turn out to be our rainbow baby. Just maybe this is the Lord's plan and timing for us to bring a child home.
But I don't understand it. I'm not angry at God. I'm really not.
I'm just so sad and confused....
and not sure how to reach out and who gets it.
~Shannon
Blessings by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family
Protection while we sleep
We pray for healing
Prosperity
We pray for your mighty hand
To ease our suffering
All the while
You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much
To give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life
Are your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger
When we can not feel you near
We doubt your goodness
We doubt your love
As if every promise from your Word
is not enough
And all the while, you hear each desperate plea
If only we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life
Are your mercies in disguise?
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know
The pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if my greatest disappointments
or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst
this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are your mercies in disguise?
Thank you, Laura Story, for this beautiful song. For reminding us that this world will never satisfy.
We pray for peace
Comfort for family
Protection while we sleep
We pray for healing
Prosperity
We pray for your mighty hand
To ease our suffering
All the while
You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much
To give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life
Are your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger
When we can not feel you near
We doubt your goodness
We doubt your love
As if every promise from your Word
is not enough
And all the while, you hear each desperate plea
If only we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life
Are your mercies in disguise?
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know
The pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if my greatest disappointments
or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst
this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are your mercies in disguise?
Thank you, Laura Story, for this beautiful song. For reminding us that this world will never satisfy.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Frustrated
Frustrated.....
That's what it feels that I've been with a lot of things lately.
Not my husband.
Not my cats.
lol.....
But other people and my job!
I HAVE DONE THESE MEDICAL CALCULATIONS FOR THESE PEOPLE 10 TIMES AND HAVE EVEN SAT DOWN WITH MY FATHER IN LAW TO WORK THROUGH THEM AND CONFIRMED MY DOSES. I'M TIRED OF BEING UNDERMINED WHEN I'VE ALREADY DONE THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
That's it.
I wish I could find a new job........
BUT my benefits are good here and I can keep them even part time....even if I go part time, I CAN KEEP them...THAT PRETTY much never happens anywhere else.
Sigh....
Shannon
That's what it feels that I've been with a lot of things lately.
Not my husband.
Not my cats.
lol.....
But other people and my job!
I HAVE DONE THESE MEDICAL CALCULATIONS FOR THESE PEOPLE 10 TIMES AND HAVE EVEN SAT DOWN WITH MY FATHER IN LAW TO WORK THROUGH THEM AND CONFIRMED MY DOSES. I'M TIRED OF BEING UNDERMINED WHEN I'VE ALREADY DONE THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
That's it.
I wish I could find a new job........
BUT my benefits are good here and I can keep them even part time....even if I go part time, I CAN KEEP them...THAT PRETTY much never happens anywhere else.
Sigh....
Shannon
Friday, March 18, 2011
9.5 weeks along
I am 9.5 weeks along.
I feel pretty crummy most of the time. However, I am happy to say that things seem to be going okay.
Feeling crummy=feeling pregnant=good news
But it's still a little depressing.........
SIGH......
Shannon
I feel pretty crummy most of the time. However, I am happy to say that things seem to be going okay.
Feeling crummy=feeling pregnant=good news
But it's still a little depressing.........
SIGH......
Shannon
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Exhaustion
Lately I have been exhausted.
Part of it was when I went to this youth leaders conference across the state last Friday-Saturday. It was my productive but personally, I am still not sure that was a good idea.
I have been wiped out since then.
And when I get wiped out, my Charcot Marie Tooth disease flares up. Leg cramps, nerve pain, muscular weakness, general exhaustion. My body already has to work harder than most but it can be managed. When I don't get enough rest or take good care of myself, I REALLY feel it.
I am only working a half day today so I can go home and rest before I have an appointment with J.
Add my exhaustion and crazy schedule + pregnancy and you get some mega not feeling wellness..........
What are you going to do? Life still calls.
I just feel that I haven't had the energy to do anything but work (which I hardly have the energy for but HAVE to do because a paycheck is necessary!).......and that gets depressing.
~Shannon
Part of it was when I went to this youth leaders conference across the state last Friday-Saturday. It was my productive but personally, I am still not sure that was a good idea.
I have been wiped out since then.
And when I get wiped out, my Charcot Marie Tooth disease flares up. Leg cramps, nerve pain, muscular weakness, general exhaustion. My body already has to work harder than most but it can be managed. When I don't get enough rest or take good care of myself, I REALLY feel it.
I am only working a half day today so I can go home and rest before I have an appointment with J.
Add my exhaustion and crazy schedule + pregnancy and you get some mega not feeling wellness..........
What are you going to do? Life still calls.
I just feel that I haven't had the energy to do anything but work (which I hardly have the energy for but HAVE to do because a paycheck is necessary!).......and that gets depressing.
~Shannon
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
People that get under my skin
There are always going to be people who irritate me...........
Right now there is one person really doing that.....
GRRRRR.....
More lately.
Shannon
Right now there is one person really doing that.....
GRRRRR.....
More lately.
Shannon
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I have seen God's healing hand
Last night, I attended our church's worship band practice for the first time since before I lost our first baby. It has been almost seven months since I have participated in leading worship by singing in the band. When I lost Samantha, I knew I wouldn't be able to lead worship again for quite awhile. At one point, I even confessed to Chris that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to sing again. It's not because my faith wasn't there. It was. I just felt wounded, weak, and vulnerable. Tears were close to my eyes at all times, especially during worship. Worship also became a very poignant time for me. Other than communion, I have never felt so connected to our babies and our Heavenly Father at the same time, as I do when I am worshipping. Worship takes me right before Jesus spiritually which is where our babies are physically. I can envision them worshipping, dancing with Jesus, and just adoring all that He is. I didn't know that I would ever be able to be part of the worship team again. I didn't know that God could bring the kind of healing that He brings. I didn't realize how powerful He was. I didn't know how capable He was. Then last night I was reminded of al of these things.
As I went to practice, I won't lie, I was a tiny bit nervous. It was a bit difficult for me because the last time I had practiced, I had been pregnant with Samantha. That made me sad, of course, because in a perfect world, where nothing was fallen, we would be due to give her birth around April 3rd. But now she's with Jesus. So it was a little hard for me to go but once I got there, I felt so at home. I realized how much I love to sing and leading worship and how much I love my fellow worship team members. They are truly some of my favorite people in the world.
As we went through singing, in the back of my mind, I thought how much my faith had grown. Yes, I believed all the words when I sang them months ago but I believe them even more now than I did then. Today, I know, from personal experience, that our God is a loving God. I know He keeps His promises. I know that He never gives us more than we can bear. I know He provides in ways that are unmeasurable. And most of all, I know that nothing can ever separate us from Him. I also know how good He is. Even when the world doubts and wonders how we can trust, in my heart, I know that He is good, He is only loving, and He is truly an awesome God.
As I drove home after practice, I recalled that conversation I had with Chris about possibly not singing again. All of a sudden, I was hit with the realization that God has been so good to me over the past few months. I have been through ups and downs in life but I can truly say that the past year has been the hardest year of my life. I have experienced a lot of pain and really struggled. But I am coming out on the other side. I'm not there yet. I'm not certain I'll ever be there. But what I do know is that no matter where I am in life, no matter what my circumstances are, nothing can come between me and God. He is a strong and mighty God and powerful enough to do anything He wants. His plans are unfathomable and incredible. His ways are best. The most incredible thing I've learned is how He cares so deeply. Even though I am just one person, just a little me in my mind, He cares about and loves me. He cares enough to bring me healing and to give me the strength to sing and praise Him again. Even the littlest things, He cares about. I can see how His healing hand reaches out daily and touches my life and I am so in awe of Him.
I know things I didn't know months ago...and I'm so glad that I do. Our God is an awesome God. I am grateful to have walked through the storm because now I know that my faith has been tested and developed and that in my heart and my mind, nothing can ever make me doubt our God. I now don't just believe...I know the truth about God and His Word. Nothing else compares.
Thank you, Lord, for all that you are, and have been, and will be. I love you.
~Shannon
As I went to practice, I won't lie, I was a tiny bit nervous. It was a bit difficult for me because the last time I had practiced, I had been pregnant with Samantha. That made me sad, of course, because in a perfect world, where nothing was fallen, we would be due to give her birth around April 3rd. But now she's with Jesus. So it was a little hard for me to go but once I got there, I felt so at home. I realized how much I love to sing and leading worship and how much I love my fellow worship team members. They are truly some of my favorite people in the world.
As we went through singing, in the back of my mind, I thought how much my faith had grown. Yes, I believed all the words when I sang them months ago but I believe them even more now than I did then. Today, I know, from personal experience, that our God is a loving God. I know He keeps His promises. I know that He never gives us more than we can bear. I know He provides in ways that are unmeasurable. And most of all, I know that nothing can ever separate us from Him. I also know how good He is. Even when the world doubts and wonders how we can trust, in my heart, I know that He is good, He is only loving, and He is truly an awesome God.
As I drove home after practice, I recalled that conversation I had with Chris about possibly not singing again. All of a sudden, I was hit with the realization that God has been so good to me over the past few months. I have been through ups and downs in life but I can truly say that the past year has been the hardest year of my life. I have experienced a lot of pain and really struggled. But I am coming out on the other side. I'm not there yet. I'm not certain I'll ever be there. But what I do know is that no matter where I am in life, no matter what my circumstances are, nothing can come between me and God. He is a strong and mighty God and powerful enough to do anything He wants. His plans are unfathomable and incredible. His ways are best. The most incredible thing I've learned is how He cares so deeply. Even though I am just one person, just a little me in my mind, He cares about and loves me. He cares enough to bring me healing and to give me the strength to sing and praise Him again. Even the littlest things, He cares about. I can see how His healing hand reaches out daily and touches my life and I am so in awe of Him.
I know things I didn't know months ago...and I'm so glad that I do. Our God is an awesome God. I am grateful to have walked through the storm because now I know that my faith has been tested and developed and that in my heart and my mind, nothing can ever make me doubt our God. I now don't just believe...I know the truth about God and His Word. Nothing else compares.
Thank you, Lord, for all that you are, and have been, and will be. I love you.
~Shannon
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
A thread of hope is being woven
So here's the situation.
Yesterday was fairly terrifying. I started spotting, a pink discharge, that, of course, sent me into a panic. Ah! so I called the OBGYN office I am a patient at....and they sent me for the bloodwork. The reasoning being that if my hcg evels were high enough, they could then send me for an ultrasound.
My levels were plenty high and I went for the ultrasound this morning. I was so blessed that Chris was able to go with me. HAPPY NEWS! Sprout looks great....found heartbeat and everything looks normal and healthy! So now we have baby pictures.
Yesterday, I was fairly distraught. Now, today, I am feeling that a thread of hope woven in me once again...that maybe this baby will come home with us.
Shannon
Yesterday was fairly terrifying. I started spotting, a pink discharge, that, of course, sent me into a panic. Ah! so I called the OBGYN office I am a patient at....and they sent me for the bloodwork. The reasoning being that if my hcg evels were high enough, they could then send me for an ultrasound.
My levels were plenty high and I went for the ultrasound this morning. I was so blessed that Chris was able to go with me. HAPPY NEWS! Sprout looks great....found heartbeat and everything looks normal and healthy! So now we have baby pictures.
Yesterday, I was fairly distraught. Now, today, I am feeling that a thread of hope woven in me once again...that maybe this baby will come home with us.
Shannon
Friday, March 4, 2011
A lot of rambling thoughts
So I realize it's been awhile since I've written but..here goes...
I have a lot of rambling thoughts.....Bear with me while I just simply find a way to express them.
Thought 1:
I am testy lately. I'm sure it's because I am pregnant but there's no way to know for sure. But...I HATE WHEN PEOPLE GIVE ME ADVICE OR TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN I'M NOT ASKING FOR IT.
I think the reason I hate that so much is because I'm the kind of person who will ask for advice. I will call and say is this normal? OR HOW DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD PROCEED?
SO IF I don't ask for your opinion, don't give it to me!!
OKAY?? GRRRR........Chris and I both had issues with a certain person lately whom we feel like has tried to be too controlling. We will be distancing ourselves a little, in order to preserve our identity and not be influenced in our decisions......SIGH !!!
Thought 2:
Another thing that is frustrating to me is the sexual situation within my extended family. I felt as FIRST that everyone was supportive and NOW I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE JUST WANTS to pretend it DIDN'T HAPPEN and we just HAVE TO ON like nothing EVER happened. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!!! Nothing!
I'm the one who got screwed over...I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! The other thing that frustrates me is that by telling someone sooner, I DOUBT IT would have made a difference. Seeing the reaction now has been frustrating for me...because it's just easier to not think about it because it makes us uncomfortable...doesn't it? SIGH!
Also, I STILL DON'T know what to do about future family gatherings. I DO feel better that I shared what happened...now knowng that our future children are safe BUT...the route that was taken to deal with it was one that did not treat me as an adult and gave me no control over the situation!!!
ANYHOW, that's still a sensitive topic. NEXT appointment with J, we'll discuss that.
Thought 3:
Also, I am FRUSTRATED that I feel like there are certain people in our lives who are aware of certain sitautions with other people and ARE IN DENIAL!!! That drives me insane. What drives me crazier is the fact that you might put someone else at risk...by being in denial. The issue isn't not knowing. No the ISSUE IS WANTING TO LIVE IN AN UNREALISTIC world where eveything GOES THE WAY you plan it!
GRRR....I REALIZE I HAVE no CONTROL over this situation but STILL..it gets under my skin....
Thought 4:
I am almost eight weeks pregnant! This is exciting, right? ALSO TERRIFYING! AND ALSO HEARTWRENCHING. I MISS THE OTHER BABIES. SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T GRASP THAT. I CAN'T BE AROUND THOSE PEOPLE MUCH.
Also, THIS IS OUR BABY. Ultimately, we believe THIS CHILD BELONGS TO GOD BUT God is loaning this baby TO US. NOT TO YOU! So DON'T TELL ME OR TELL US WHAT YOU think we should do about THIS OR THAT unless we ask. I DON'T TELL YOU WHAT I THINK ABOUT YOUR PARENTING EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES I think it's terrible and so I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF. This ties back in with thought NUMBER 1.
Thought 5:
I HATE being yelled at. I CAN'T HANDLE BEING YELLED AT. And again, I'm sure part of this is that I'm pregnant and HYPERSENSITIVE. i WILLLLLL ADMIT THAT! but don't yell at me.......at all. It's rude and uncalled for. AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO TALK TO ME NICELY.
Thought 6:
Do YOU EVER NOT FEEL SORRY FOR SOMEONE whom you don't feel will help themself out? LIKE YOU TALK TO THEM...you give them resources...you offer help...they ask for your help, you give it and then they are like I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE. it is too hard!
WHAT??? THAT'S CRAP!
I know I PROBABLY SOUND TERRIBLY INSENSITIVE...I just get frustrated by people who keep making bad decisions and it's only a matter of time before they get the consequences....RIDICULOUS...because it's not like they have an excuse if they were offered help.
Thought 7:
I love this baby. I REALIZE that I would and will do anything for this child. I am starting to think like a mom. I am trying to think about what's best for our little Sprout.
Thought 8:
Getting on the scale IS NOT AN option! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!
The OBGYN PEEPS gave me a bit of a hard time again but.......they still agreed to treat me! They just are like 'it's important' and I'M LIKE I'M SURE IT IS! BUT you're going to have to adapt FOR A ONE PERSON SITUATION. i AM not asking yoU TO CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE protocol and way of doing things! JEEPERSSSS!
J says that there have been pregnancies that have happened w/o PEOPLE GETTING ON THE SCALE. HAHAHAAHA...and healthy babies are born!
I KNOW THAT I WILL BE A BETTER MOM AND TAKE BETTER CARE OF THIS BABY IF I DON'T get on the scale!
Thought 9:
So reaaaddddy for SPRING! It has been sunny here which is great but still has been chilly..I CAN'T WAIT!! My SAD is flaring up because even though it's sunny, I feel that it's too cold to be outside much!
After this first trimester too, I'M GOING TO WANT TO TAKE WALKS AND JUST ENJOY CREATION!!!
Thought 10:
WHY OH WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN? I KNOW WHY...so why do I ask why? A family member has been diagnosed with a cancer that is very rare...IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. She's a great Christian girl and I DON'T GET IT! SEEEEEMMMMSSSSS LIKE THERE'S SO MUCH PURPOSE for her life and IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE...
BUT we'll conclude on
Thought 11:
God is good.
He is love.
He knows best.
He keeps His promises.
He is faithful.
He is trustworthy.
He is better than we are.
His ways are not our ways.
And
God is good.
~Shannon
I have a lot of rambling thoughts.....Bear with me while I just simply find a way to express them.
Thought 1:
I am testy lately. I'm sure it's because I am pregnant but there's no way to know for sure. But...I HATE WHEN PEOPLE GIVE ME ADVICE OR TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN I'M NOT ASKING FOR IT.
I think the reason I hate that so much is because I'm the kind of person who will ask for advice. I will call and say is this normal? OR HOW DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD PROCEED?
SO IF I don't ask for your opinion, don't give it to me!!
OKAY?? GRRRR........Chris and I both had issues with a certain person lately whom we feel like has tried to be too controlling. We will be distancing ourselves a little, in order to preserve our identity and not be influenced in our decisions......SIGH !!!
Thought 2:
Another thing that is frustrating to me is the sexual situation within my extended family. I felt as FIRST that everyone was supportive and NOW I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE JUST WANTS to pretend it DIDN'T HAPPEN and we just HAVE TO ON like nothing EVER happened. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!!! Nothing!
I'm the one who got screwed over...I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! The other thing that frustrates me is that by telling someone sooner, I DOUBT IT would have made a difference. Seeing the reaction now has been frustrating for me...because it's just easier to not think about it because it makes us uncomfortable...doesn't it? SIGH!
Also, I STILL DON'T know what to do about future family gatherings. I DO feel better that I shared what happened...now knowng that our future children are safe BUT...the route that was taken to deal with it was one that did not treat me as an adult and gave me no control over the situation!!!
ANYHOW, that's still a sensitive topic. NEXT appointment with J, we'll discuss that.
Thought 3:
Also, I am FRUSTRATED that I feel like there are certain people in our lives who are aware of certain sitautions with other people and ARE IN DENIAL!!! That drives me insane. What drives me crazier is the fact that you might put someone else at risk...by being in denial. The issue isn't not knowing. No the ISSUE IS WANTING TO LIVE IN AN UNREALISTIC world where eveything GOES THE WAY you plan it!
GRRR....I REALIZE I HAVE no CONTROL over this situation but STILL..it gets under my skin....
Thought 4:
I am almost eight weeks pregnant! This is exciting, right? ALSO TERRIFYING! AND ALSO HEARTWRENCHING. I MISS THE OTHER BABIES. SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T GRASP THAT. I CAN'T BE AROUND THOSE PEOPLE MUCH.
Also, THIS IS OUR BABY. Ultimately, we believe THIS CHILD BELONGS TO GOD BUT God is loaning this baby TO US. NOT TO YOU! So DON'T TELL ME OR TELL US WHAT YOU think we should do about THIS OR THAT unless we ask. I DON'T TELL YOU WHAT I THINK ABOUT YOUR PARENTING EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES I think it's terrible and so I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF. This ties back in with thought NUMBER 1.
Thought 5:
I HATE being yelled at. I CAN'T HANDLE BEING YELLED AT. And again, I'm sure part of this is that I'm pregnant and HYPERSENSITIVE. i WILLLLLL ADMIT THAT! but don't yell at me.......at all. It's rude and uncalled for. AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO TALK TO ME NICELY.
Thought 6:
Do YOU EVER NOT FEEL SORRY FOR SOMEONE whom you don't feel will help themself out? LIKE YOU TALK TO THEM...you give them resources...you offer help...they ask for your help, you give it and then they are like I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE. it is too hard!
WHAT??? THAT'S CRAP!
I know I PROBABLY SOUND TERRIBLY INSENSITIVE...I just get frustrated by people who keep making bad decisions and it's only a matter of time before they get the consequences....RIDICULOUS...because it's not like they have an excuse if they were offered help.
Thought 7:
I love this baby. I REALIZE that I would and will do anything for this child. I am starting to think like a mom. I am trying to think about what's best for our little Sprout.
Thought 8:
Getting on the scale IS NOT AN option! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!
The OBGYN PEEPS gave me a bit of a hard time again but.......they still agreed to treat me! They just are like 'it's important' and I'M LIKE I'M SURE IT IS! BUT you're going to have to adapt FOR A ONE PERSON SITUATION. i AM not asking yoU TO CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE protocol and way of doing things! JEEPERSSSS!
J says that there have been pregnancies that have happened w/o PEOPLE GETTING ON THE SCALE. HAHAHAAHA...and healthy babies are born!
I KNOW THAT I WILL BE A BETTER MOM AND TAKE BETTER CARE OF THIS BABY IF I DON'T get on the scale!
Thought 9:
So reaaaddddy for SPRING! It has been sunny here which is great but still has been chilly..I CAN'T WAIT!! My SAD is flaring up because even though it's sunny, I feel that it's too cold to be outside much!
After this first trimester too, I'M GOING TO WANT TO TAKE WALKS AND JUST ENJOY CREATION!!!
Thought 10:
WHY OH WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN? I KNOW WHY...so why do I ask why? A family member has been diagnosed with a cancer that is very rare...IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. She's a great Christian girl and I DON'T GET IT! SEEEEEMMMMSSSSS LIKE THERE'S SO MUCH PURPOSE for her life and IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE...
BUT we'll conclude on
Thought 11:
God is good.
He is love.
He knows best.
He keeps His promises.
He is faithful.
He is trustworthy.
He is better than we are.
His ways are not our ways.
And
God is good.
~Shannon
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Scared to write
I guess you could say that I've almost been scared to write....
I am still pregnant.
I have had no bleeding.
Nothing indicates complications.
And yet, I am so scared that I am going to miscarry.
I'm almost afraid to talk about it.
Like it might make it real.
But I need to.
Talk about it.
~Shannon
I am still pregnant.
I have had no bleeding.
Nothing indicates complications.
And yet, I am so scared that I am going to miscarry.
I'm almost afraid to talk about it.
Like it might make it real.
But I need to.
Talk about it.
~Shannon
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Really Reflecting on I Will Carry You By Selah
Dear Samantha,
These words make me think of you all the time. I still carry you so close to my heart.
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies
Wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave
But I'm not
Truth is
I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
I will praise the One
Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown photographs
of time beginning
Walked her through
the parted sea
Angel lullabies
no more teary eyes
Who could love her
like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
all your life
I will praise the One
Who's chosen me to carry you
Right now another brother or sister is growing inside of me. I love your sibling that we are calling Sprout. But you will always have a special place in my heart as my first baby. I miss you more than you can ever know. Even though it's been six months, it still stings to think about how much I miss you. I wish so badly that in April, I was bringing you home. I want to bring you and Noah and Dominic and Sprout home. All of you. One big happy family. But this side of heaven that can not happen. So I simply look ahead to the day when it can. When Jesus returns or when He calls me home. And finally, we will be together.
I love you, Samantha Peep. And we will meet in the land of perfection where nothing can snatch you from me. Jesus will hold us together until then.
Squeeze your brothers. I love all of you, my dear babies, more than I ever knew was possible.
Love,
Mommy
These words make me think of you all the time. I still carry you so close to my heart.
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies
Wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave
But I'm not
Truth is
I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
I will praise the One
Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown photographs
of time beginning
Walked her through
the parted sea
Angel lullabies
no more teary eyes
Who could love her
like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
all your life
I will praise the One
Who's chosen me to carry you
Right now another brother or sister is growing inside of me. I love your sibling that we are calling Sprout. But you will always have a special place in my heart as my first baby. I miss you more than you can ever know. Even though it's been six months, it still stings to think about how much I miss you. I wish so badly that in April, I was bringing you home. I want to bring you and Noah and Dominic and Sprout home. All of you. One big happy family. But this side of heaven that can not happen. So I simply look ahead to the day when it can. When Jesus returns or when He calls me home. And finally, we will be together.
I love you, Samantha Peep. And we will meet in the land of perfection where nothing can snatch you from me. Jesus will hold us together until then.
Squeeze your brothers. I love all of you, my dear babies, more than I ever knew was possible.
Love,
Mommy
Feeling bummed today
I am really frustrated. I don't have the energy to write about it right now. But let's just say I am so lost right now. One minute this person tells me one thing, the next they tell me something different. It's so frustrating. Then to be told I won't be a good mom...simply by not getting weighed. I am hoping I misunderstood this person. I am pretty sad today....................
~Shannon
~Shannon
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Anxiety
I am feeling a lot of anxiety. No issues with baby or anything but I feel that it is just a matter of time until I miscarry. Logically, I know that I could go on to have a healthy baby but I can't completely grasp that. I am too afraid to hope. I am scared of the unknown. I don't want to miscarry but if I am going to lose this little one, I want to get it over with. Then I feel guilty for thinking that way because I am also grateful for every moment that the little life inside of me is present here on earth. I pray for baby Sprout and I love this child so much too.
Such mixed feelings.
Shannon
Such mixed feelings.
Shannon
Monday, February 14, 2011
My fourth child
Last Sunday, I found out that my fourth child was growing inside of me. I got a positive pregnancy test! What a thrill that was and yet it also sent fear coursing through me. It started many questions. Will I miscarry? Will this be my 'rainbow' baby? Will I get to bring this one home? When will the bleeding start? Will there be no bleeding this time? My head has been spinning. Almost too much to write. I was too scared to say anything. But it's been eight days since I got that positive. That's longer than it was with Noah and with Dominic. Samantha was in me for almost thirteen weeks. With Noah and Dominic, within a couple of days of knowing they existed, they were with Jesus. I have now been aware of baby Sprout for eight days and there haven't been any complications. I feel so blessed. But I am afraid to be too hopeful.
And yet I believe two things that have kept my hope and faith from running dry.
1. Nothing is impossible with God.
2. Nothing is too hard for the Lord.
Those two phrases remind me that anything can be done and nothing is too much work for God.
Please pray for us. We are nervous. But no matter what happens, God is good. He knows best and we love Him.
~Shannon
And yet I believe two things that have kept my hope and faith from running dry.
1. Nothing is impossible with God.
2. Nothing is too hard for the Lord.
Those two phrases remind me that anything can be done and nothing is too much work for God.
Please pray for us. We are nervous. But no matter what happens, God is good. He knows best and we love Him.
~Shannon
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Emotionally great, Physically sick
Emotionally, I am doing great
However, physically I am really sick --Multiple things going on including brochitis.
Ewww....
So real quick..I have to vent.
What kind of an idiot, knowing someone suffers from an eating disorder, asks if you've lost weight because gee, you look really good.....?
GRRRR!
Shannon
However, physically I am really sick --Multiple things going on including brochitis.
Ewww....
So real quick..I have to vent.
What kind of an idiot, knowing someone suffers from an eating disorder, asks if you've lost weight because gee, you look really good.....?
GRRRR!
Shannon
Monday, February 7, 2011
Waiting
These words speak so deeply to my heart.....
Lord, we believe that only you know when we will be able to bring home a baby.
We will wait and trust. We love you, Lord. Your ways are better than ours. Even when it hurts...
From John Waller's While I'm Waiting
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on you, lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on you, lorD
Though it is painful
But patiently I will wait
I will move ahead,
bold and confident,
Taking every step in
obedience
While I'm waiting,
I will serve you
While I'm waiting,
I will worship
While I'm waiting,
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
Lord, we believe that only you know when we will be able to bring home a baby.
We will wait and trust. We love you, Lord. Your ways are better than ours. Even when it hurts...
From John Waller's While I'm Waiting
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on you, lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on you, lorD
Though it is painful
But patiently I will wait
I will move ahead,
bold and confident,
Taking every step in
obedience
While I'm waiting,
I will serve you
While I'm waiting,
I will worship
While I'm waiting,
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Not having a good day
I am not having a good day. It's one of those times I wish people would stop being harsh on me and just love me. Maybe sit with me and let me cry it out?
but...then I think maybe I am not worth loving.........
I know it's irrational but my head is swirling today.
Maybe I am not pregnant this month and my PMS is really bad. I've always been super sensitive.
Sigh.........
Shannon
but...then I think maybe I am not worth loving.........
I know it's irrational but my head is swirling today.
Maybe I am not pregnant this month and my PMS is really bad. I've always been super sensitive.
Sigh.........
Shannon
Friday, February 4, 2011
'Beautiful For Me' by Nicole Nordeman
Thank you for sharing this song, Sarah Joy....
~Shannon
Beautiful For Me
Nicole Nordeman
Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says
Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say
Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful
Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?
~Shannon
Beautiful For Me
Nicole Nordeman
Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says
Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say
Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful
Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?
One day at a time
Sometimes it's such a struggle...to get through one day.
You hear people say one day at a time but honestly sometimes one minute at a time is too much.
Shannon
You hear people say one day at a time but honestly sometimes one minute at a time is too much.
Shannon
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
What I Don't Want To Be
It seems like so many time we ask ourselves who we are. We ask ourselves who we want to be. I feel like there is so much there that I am but I also feel that what hinders me is focusing on the things that I don't want to be. What don't I want to be? I'll tell you.
I don't want to be a number. Specifically, I don't want to be a size, a weight number, a number of inches. I don't even want to be a BMI or a percentile. I don't like numbers to describe people. I don't want to be a rating of hotness. I don't want to be a number
What else don't I want to be? I most definitely don't want to be fake. I want to be real. I don't want to be fake smiles and facades. Don't tell me to pretend to be happy or act happy when I am not. Instead, find me real and genuine happiness. No, don't find it for me. Help me to find lasting joy. Being fake is something I have struggled with.
I don't want to be ugly. I suppose you could also turn that around and say that I want to be beautiful. Gorgeous. Lovely. Pretty. I don't feel that I am any of those things. I just can't see it. When I look into the mirror I can't see who I am. And at the same time, if you think I am beautiful, I don't want to be just a pretty face. I want to be a person.
Sometimes I have to confess I don't even want to be me...but I am learning to accept that I am me and that it's okay to be me.
That's what I don't want to be. I guess you can see my fears. And...underneath it all, you can see what it is I do want to be.
~Shannon
I don't want to be a number. Specifically, I don't want to be a size, a weight number, a number of inches. I don't even want to be a BMI or a percentile. I don't like numbers to describe people. I don't want to be a rating of hotness. I don't want to be a number
What else don't I want to be? I most definitely don't want to be fake. I want to be real. I don't want to be fake smiles and facades. Don't tell me to pretend to be happy or act happy when I am not. Instead, find me real and genuine happiness. No, don't find it for me. Help me to find lasting joy. Being fake is something I have struggled with.
I don't want to be ugly. I suppose you could also turn that around and say that I want to be beautiful. Gorgeous. Lovely. Pretty. I don't feel that I am any of those things. I just can't see it. When I look into the mirror I can't see who I am. And at the same time, if you think I am beautiful, I don't want to be just a pretty face. I want to be a person.
Sometimes I have to confess I don't even want to be me...but I am learning to accept that I am me and that it's okay to be me.
That's what I don't want to be. I guess you can see my fears. And...underneath it all, you can see what it is I do want to be.
~Shannon
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