Life takes so much energy sometimes

I'm drained. I have one more day to go at work. But by the end of tomorrow, I will have put in 10 extra hours this week. That never happens! I very rarely have to spend all my 37.5 hours here. I'm on call always but...still.

I feel like life takes so much energy sometimes. One of my best friends, E, is supposed to visit us this weekend. We're very excited to see her. But we were planning on visiting Gettysburg and I'm not sure I have the energy to do that. After this week, it's just hectic...I'll have to see if E minds if we do something else after all. I feel obnoxious though when I feel like "I can't handle things" or am easily overwhelmed. I'm not trying to be annoying, really. I am just having a hard time.

Shannon

Steven Curtis Chapman's With Hope

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

When I Get Where I'm Going (Brad Paisley)

Brad Paisley
When I Get Where I'm Going

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

I have never known

I have never known this kind of pain.

I saw those words on a miscarriage tribute video today. I thought they were so right. I have never known this kind of pain before. I had no idea I would love my baby like that. I knew I'd love them but not how.....

~Shannon

I miss talking to you, Samantha

Dear Samantha,

I'm writing you a letter because I miss you so much. And one of the things that I miss the most is talking to you. We used to tease you (not that you probably understood) and I would say "I love you, Peep!" And things like "Isabelle can't wait to meet you, Peep." And I used to make this squeaky voice to say "Daddy, I love you too!" I'd pretend to be you. But now there's none of that. Because, Samantha Peep, sweetheart, now you live with Jesus and are carried in our hearts instead of growing in my body.

I miss all the talks we might have had. I had so many dreams and so many hopes for your life, sweet girl. I told your Daddy while I was pregnant with you that I intended to be the best mom in the world! I wanted to read the books that you wanted to read (even when you were only seven years old!) and then go on book club dates and talk about them. I wanted to make jewelry with you. Teach you to sing and make music together. I wanted to dance with you. See you off to your first formal dance in high school. I wanted you to get married and have your own babies. Then you'd finally know how much I loved you. I would have done anything for you, Samantha. You had me wrapped around your little finger from the moment I saw your heartbeat.

I miss you so much, baby girl. I miss the baby days. I was so looking forward to bonding with you over breastfeeding, rejoicing over your first steps, sharing you with family and friends, and now there's just a lot of emptiness. What was so joyful feels so empty. Your bedroom sits untouched with a pile of baby clothes that you will never wear. My arms and my heart ache to hold you. To feel you fluttering in me--an experience I never had. I miss you so much, Samantha Peep.

Love,
Mommy

Bittersweet Joy

Yes, I'm using the title of my blog as the title of my post too. All I could think about was bittersweet joy because some things have been happening that are joyful but they feel so bittersweet. It's just not complete without Samantha here. I wish, I wish, I wish with all my heart that God could give us our sweet little Peep back. But He has given and He has taken and blessed be His name.

~Shannon

Made For Perfection by Shannon Schroeder

Made For Perfection (by Shannon Schroeder)

We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face

Day by day,
I see the tears of people crying
Every single day,
I hear about another person dying
And I think how much it hurts
How cruel life can be
And then I remember how you made us
Then I finally see

We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face

There's a man who's walking by me
He's hungry and alone
A mother with just her babies
No place to call their home
A teenage girl with no friends
Who wants to end her life
A little boy who's hurting
Because he just lost another fight

We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face

One day, things will be restored
One day, this will pass, it will be no more
One day, things will be perfect once again
So we wait, we pray until then

We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face

Trying Not To Be Angry With God

After I wrote my last post, I tried not to get angry with God. It is so hard not to sometimes. It's not that I hate Him. It's just me in my human and sinful nature rebelling against Him because I don't understand. I really don't want to be angry with God. I am just so sad and I don't understand which makes it natural to question why and then leads to anger when (to my eyes) there seems to be no just answer.

Part of it has to do with a sexual struggle that Chris and I have had since we were married. I have vaginismus (painful intercourse) and at first penetration was difficult. I'm not ready to talk about all of that right now.

Also, I have had plenty of others ups and downs. I have Charcot Marie Tooth Disease (an inherited peripheral neuropathy) and most of my teenage years were consumed with tests, doctor's appointments, and procedures trying to diagnose that. For awhile, they thought it was something more serious. Thank God, it wasn't but....

I've also had an aneurysmal bone cyst removed twice. It wasn't cancerous but it impacted my life quite a bit.

I've struggled emotionally and in my family with different issues.

Sometimes I want to ask ISN'T THAT ENOUGH!? WHY? HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH?

And I want to be excused from this pain because "I'm a good person." I have never been drunk. I didn't have sex until I was married. I didn't do this or that or this or that. But I know that I have sinned, we all have, and that I live in a sinful world where bad things do happen to people and I just have such a difficult time with that concept. I guess we all do. Because we were made for perfection.

And so.....I am trying not to ask why...As my good friend N said "You can't ask why because after all, why not?" She's so right and when I remember that, I am convicted. I can't justify and judge God's actions--nor unjustify. He is the only one right and good!

But does it mean that my sinful self doesn't creep to the surface at times? Absolutely not.

Sigh....

Shannon

Yes, I'd Like To Talk About Samantha

Right now, I am feeling a lot of sadness. I hopped on my Facebook to see what was happening. There are three people on there that are currently pregnant. There was dialogue and excitement about having a baby and a family member who felt her baby's first kick. I'm so happy for them. I really am. I say that with no malice or sarcasm. I really am glad for the blessing God has given them.

But...I'm sad for me. I think I can be allowed to be sad for me. It feels like it might be getting harder again. My sadness. I don't know what to do with it. I haven't been crying as much. The tears just aren't there. But inside, it's welling up still.

I miss being pregnant. I miss the anticipation of what was to come. I miss Samantha. I miss the daily excitement. I miss it all. I want it back so badly. I just feel like my life suddenly feels so empty. I am a mom and I want my baby back. But I can't have her. I wish I could go join her and Jesus but I know that this is life and it's precious too and so I have to stay here as long as God intends.

I want to be pregnant again so badly. And then at the same time I fear it. Does that make sense? To me, it does. I wonder if anyone else gets it.

Sometimes I worry about people forgetting Samantha. I loved my best friend J who put as her Facebook status that she missed her grandparents and her baby niece Samantha. I loved that more than I can even begin to express. Because it acknowledged her life. Some people in our life haven't called her by name. My best friends have been so good about that and that is so healing! When I say "I'm having a hard time" and they say "I miss Samantha too" it absolutely makes my day. They love me and my baby. It's so special. I am so blessed by these people.

Please, please....this is my request to anyone reading this. Don't be afraid to say a baby's name if they are gone. Ask the parents if they'd like to talk about her. Then acknowledge her/him by name. In my case, say something "would you like to talk about Samantha?" Chances are that yes, I'd like to incorporate her into my daily talk because she's part of my LIFE! I'm thinking about her anyhow. To pretend she doesn't exist is so barbaric and so 1920s!!! Same concept as children should be seen and not heard. CRAZY stuff.

Anyhow, I know I went off on a bit of a rant there but I promises myself this would a safe place to express my feelings. So there....you got it: expression!

Blessings to all of you.

Shannon

Fly by Celine Dion

Fly by Celine Dion

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

How Will I Feel?

How will I feel when/if I get pregnant again? For now, it's pure speculation. However, I think that I may feel sad. I know that's crazy but...I think I'll have anxiety and sadness along with joy. I sense that I will try to limit my excitement. Which makes me sad. Because I ended up experiencing pure joy (once I got past the fear) with Samantha only to lose her. But....I do sometimes wonder how I'll feel and if/when that little positive line shows up....what will cross my mind?

Shannon

Last Night

Last night I had an appointment with my therapist J. Things went well. She said that I am starting to be more "me" again which is good, I suppose. I have to try not to feel guilty when I am feeling better....it's not a bad thing! I don't have to dwell on Samantha. She's in God's hands.

I also took my sleeping med at 7 PM. That was fantastic. That way it wore off by 7 AM. It seems to have a 12 hour turnaround for me. I am so glad that worked and I got a great night of sleep.

Chris sent me a sweet text today that made my day. I love him so much.

Life's okay today.

But I still miss you, Samantha. I always will. But someday will come.

Shannon

fears

I fear that Samantha is the only child I will ever have.

There, I said it...that's one of my biggest fears.

I fear I will miscarry again or lose a baby shortly after birth.

It feels good to get it out of my head.

Shannon

Anxiety To The Max

I didn't take any sleep meds last night. Well, that's not true. I did take one Benadryl. It was an adventure for me because that only lasted until 1:30 AM so from then on until 6:30 AM when I finally got out of bed, I was a tensed up anxious ball. I was really keyed up. I feel like I'm about to go over the edge.......I was worried about things with my job (the things that I've messed up on lately) and about some other personal things. Chris gave me permission to quit my job which said a lot. He told me I was more important than my job and if it was that stressful for me that it wasn't healthy and maybe I shouldn't keep doing. The problem is that I don't really want to quit. Financially, we'd be tight, but could live on his salary but I don't want to do that if we don't have to. I just want to be pregnant and be a mom...and have a job I love. My first job was okay and this one is good...BUT not great. I have no passion for it. I think it is time for me to branch out. But then I don't know...because if I am or if I get pregnant, I will wish I stayed here because my boss will be so flexible. Plus I'd feel guilty getting pregnant after taking a new job and might not get maternity coverage. Hmmmm...things to think about.

Shannon

Friday night was terrible!

Friday night we were at a big meeting for church. It was hard for me to focus but I did my best. However, I was very stressed and frustrated when we got out. Already feeling crummy about myself, Chris said something that wasn't meant to upset me but did! I was a hysterical mess for about half an hour. It was pretty bad. I called J (my therapist) and when she returned my call, I was finally able to calm down. I was flailing, sobbing, hyperventilating, and trying to hurt myself and Chris was trying to contain me. I was struggling with self-hatred for "not being able to get over this." J reminded me that I lost a baby! That is not an easy thing to deal with. I felt like I should maybe be a little easier on myself....Saturday went a little better. I did what I could do and also did what I needed to do and that was good enough.

Shannon

Never....the hurt won't go away!

I keep wondering when the hurt will go away. But the hardest thing is that in the back of my mind I know it will never go away. It's been a month....and the immediate shock and hurt has lessened but a Samantha sized hole is left in my heart and I know it won't get better. At least not until Jesus comes back.

Come quickly, Lord....come quickly. And take us all with you to perfection and glory.

Shannon

Feeling like a flop

Ever since the miscarriage, I've felt like a flop. I'm trying so hard to keep it all straight and together and I just can't focus. I'm so frustrated with myself. This job has gone super well for me in the past year and a half. My boss thinks I've done a fantastic job so far and he's given the best evaluations possible. I feel like I've done decently. But in this last month, I don't know...I just feel so disconnected. And now I forgot to email something off that HAD to be in by Friday at 5 PM. I'm so irritated with myself. I wish I could die but I know that is not an option. Just frustrated. I am functioning better and better but still not back to normal. I always have to remind myself that the worst thing that could happen is I could get fired (which is highly unlikely over this one mistake) but no one and nothing can take me away from Jesus.

I just.....grr........

Shannon

Without A Doubt (by Shannon Schroeder)

Without A Doubt (by Shannon Schroeder)

You told us
There's a time for everything
A time to cry
A time to praise, a time to sing
You told us
That we'd have crosses to bear
That life would be hard
But that you'd be there

In the midst of pain,
You're holding me
In the midst of the storm,
You're giving me your peace
In the middle of it all
You are there
I know without a doubt
You care

You told us
Someday you'd back again
Come descending from high
Take us back to heaven
You told us
Every tear will be wiped away
None will have sorrow anymore
It'll be a brand new day

In the midst of pain,
You're holding me
In the midst of the storm,
You give me peace
In the middle of it all
You are there
I know without a doubt
You care

The First Day I Didn't Cry

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry. It had been 4 weeks and 2 days since I had found out about the loss of sweet Samantha. Every day since then, I'd cried. I know more tears will come. But I think this means that God is granting me some healing. I also am learning that I will never be the same person. I guess that's okay.

Today is check up from the D&C. This will be the first time I'll have been in the OBGYN office since the day I went in and they couldn't find the heartbeat so they sent me for an ultrasound. I'm kind of apprehensive. I'm also concerned because I still don't have a period. I want that to mean that I am pregnant but I can't let my hopes get up because I think something else could be going on. Also, while I'm excited to be and WANT to be pregnant so badly, I also fear another miscarriage. That's what could happen. But then I remind myself that it could result in full pregnancy, to term, and bringing a baby hope. You can see how this experience has jaded me though and taken away my innocence and delight in pregnancy. Someone else once said that once a women miscarries she loses an innocence. I agree with that person.

Tonight we are going to our church for a big planning meeting. We will stay with Chris's parents overnight and then we will go back to church for the rest of the meeting tomorrow. It will also be our first night back to youth group on Saturday night so we will see how it goes. I'm apprehensive as this will be the busiest weekend I've had in awhile. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion in a fast paced world....

~Shannon

A Letter to Samantha

Samantha,

Hi, honey....Mommy knows that you are in heaven and that you now live with Jesus. What I'd want to tell you if I could that your Mommy and Daddy and all of your extended family miss you so much. Isabelle and Annabelle will never get to know you and for that I'm sad. When I cry, they lay with me. They also like to lay amidst your things on our living room coffee table. I would also want to tell you that you are a beautiful child of God. I'm also so glad that you have escaped some of the hardships of this life. But I would also tell you that I miss you so much, that at some times, my heart hurts so badly I think that I will die. And that is simply because I love you. Baby, you're mine...and someday we will be together. I would also tell you that I wouldn't trade our short time together for anything in the world. I'd do it all again, even knowing the pain...Because love is always greater.

I love you so much. Squeeze Jesus for me. He's my best friend too. For me, it feels like forever until I'll see you but from heaven's side, it will be in the blink of an eye. We'll be together soon. Love you, baby girl.

Love,
Mommy

I wonder...(By Shannon Schroeder)

I wonder... (By Shannon Schroeder)

I wonder what might have been
Had you lived not died
I wonder what would be different
Had you had been given some more time
I wonder what might have been
Had you had gotten a chance
I wonder what would be different
If you'd been here more than just a glance

What might have been
Could have made you a shining star
But reality set in
Wishing you weren't far
What might have been
What differences you'd make
But we trust the Lord
He gives and He takes
What might have been
Doesn't really matter now
You're in Jesus' arms
That's all that matters somehow

I wonder what is now
Living with our Lord
I wonder what is different
With life now restored
I wonder what is now
To have sure peace within
I wonder what is different
From the sinful world I'm in

What might have been
Could have made you a shining star
But reality set in
Sent you off so far
What might have been
What differences you'd make
But we trust the Lord
He gives and He takes
What might have been
Doesn't really matter now
You're in Jesus' arms
That's all that matters somehow

I wonder what someday will be
When you and I are face to face
I wonder what will be different
When I stand in the midst of grace
I wonder what someday will be
When tears no longer flow
I wonder what will be different
When only love and joy are what I know

What might have been
Could have made you a shining star
But reality set in
Sent you off so far
What might have been
What differences you'd make
But we trust the Lord
He gives and He takes
What might have been
Doesn't really matter now
You're in Jesus' arms
That's all that matters somehow

The Reason I Love You (by Shannon Schroeder)

The Reason I Love You (by Shannon Schroeder)

God knitted you in my body
Which led to knitting in my heart
And forever those stitches will hold
Even though we are apart

Oh, sweet baby, you were the apple of my eye
From the very start
So always and forever,
You'll be in my heart

The reason I love you
Is simply because you are mine
That can never change
Through any season or time
Baby, the reason I love you is
Because God gave you to me
And finally someday
Together we'll be

When I looked at your small frame
Saw your heartbeat
I could see the beginnings
Of hands and of feet
When I realized
You were inside
It changed all that I was
I couldn't go back if I tried

Oh, sweet baby, you were the apple of my eye
From the very start
So always and forever,
You'll be in my heart

The reason I love you
Is simply because you are mine
That can never change
Through any season or time
Baby, the reason I love you is
Because God gave you to me
And finally someday
Together we'll be

Someday there'll be a reunion so sweet
Where you and I will finally meet
Someday there'll be a reunion so sweet
Where you and I will finally meet

But until then....

The reason I love you
Is simply because you are mine
That can never change
Through any season or time
Baby, the reason I love you is
Because God gave you to me
And finally someday
Together we'll be

Why?

Why is today so hard? I'm having a hard time focusing on anything but Samantha today. I miss her.

Last night, I was running errands. As I parked my car, I looked outside and a little girl and her dad (I assume) were walking to their vehicle. This little girl had a blonde ponytail and she had a skip in her step. At one point, she looked at my car and she just locked eyes with me for a second and then she skipped off to her car. I broke down. I know that (this side of heaven) Samantha will never look me in the eye. I also loved the special way the little girl interacted with her dad. There was something about the way she moved her shoulders and smiled while she was responding to him. More than anything, I want to have that special relationship with Samantha.

I feel cheated.

And sad...so sad.

~Shannon

Will a day go by? (written by Shannon Schroeder)

Will a day go by?
Where I leave you in the past?
When I put the pain behind
And the hurt no longer lasts?

Sweet baby,
Sweetest one I know
I will never leave you behind
I'll never let you go
Because I know
That you are not behind
No,simply you are waiting
On the other side

Will a night go by?
Where I don't yearn for you?
Will a morning dawn?
Where peace is finally true?

Sweet baby,
Sweetest one I know
I will never leave you behind
I'll never let you go
Because I know
That you are not behind
No,simply you are waiting
On the other side

A day will finally come
Where I'll meet you and my Lord
And peace will finally come
We'll reunite in sweet accord

Until then...
Sweet baby,
Sweetest one I know
I'll never leave you behind
I'll never let you go
Because I know
That you are not behind
No,simply you are waiting
On the other side

Watermark's Glory Baby

These are the words to Watermark's Glory Baby. Funny thing is that I have loved this song since I was a senior in high school....but not it has such personal meaning. How I wish it didn't. But it does. Yet these words feel so right to me...

~Shannon

Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Lonestar Not A Day Goes By

Got a picture of you, I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it, when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you, I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me, when the nights gets cold

If you asked me how I'm doing
I'd say just fine
But the truth is, baby
If you could read my mind

Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
After all this time
You're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain
Locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh, baby
Not a day goes by

I still wait for the phone
In the middle of the night
Thinking you might call me
If your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me
That I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me
With your head against my heart

If you asked me how I'm doing
I'd say just fine
But the truth is, baby
If you could read my mind

Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
After all this time
You're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain
Locked so deep inside
That baby, baby, oh, baby
Not a day goes by

Minutes turn to hours
And the hours to days
Seems it's been forever
That I've felt this way

Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
After all this time
You're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain
Locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh, baby
Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you

Avril Lavigne's Slipped Away

"Slipped Away"

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh

Na na na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

Oooooh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh

I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by

Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere your not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day i found it won't be the same noo..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you

Best Friends

I was on the phone Sunday night with one of my very best friends in the world. We'll call her B. B and I were catching up and talking about many different things. We had an intense conversation talking about miscarriages to fear of infertility and adoption. At one point, I started rambling about Samantha and B (being the awesome friend she is) just listened. One of the things I shared that brings me comfort---this is just one version of a similar scene I've envisioned over and over again:

Sometimes I don't know how to envision heaven. Perhaps it is just angels and saints and a throne and singing praises every single moment. But perhaps it is more like the Garden of Eden where we worship God but He also walks amongst us and He talks with us. We don't just stand here singing but we live with Him. I have to believe (in my tiny mind) that it's more like that. God is so relational. When He made us, He made us to have a relationship with Him. Yes, to glorify Him, but also for relationship. Even when He made Adam, He saw a need for Eve. So if God is relational and just walks amongst us in heaven, I envision heaven to be a beautiful place. The creation we have now except it's perfect. There's no destruction and just perfect beauty. Jesus walks with His people. I envision being there sitting on a bench in some beautiful nook of woods with Samantha. I see her squirming happily. She's got long blonde hair and mischievious blue eyes. She is wearing a white dress. She's young but understands it all. As she squirms she says "Oh, Mommy! I am so glad you are here! I mean I've been so happy here but I am glad to meet you! I love it here. I love it all and most of all, I love Jesus. He's my very best friend." And I look up and behind me is Jesus. And He says "Can I sit with you guys?" And Jesus comes and He sits with us. Jesus, Mommy, and Samantha Peep are snuggling and hugging and laughing...and life is well, perfect. There's no fear in the back of my mind. No sadness (not one drop!) that this will come to an end. Nothing....it's just beautiful and perfect. Mommy, Samantha, and Jesus....and of course, Daddy comes and joins us too...

B sighed nicely said "That sounds so wonderful, Shannon." And then she said something that made me cry but truly delighted me. "Can I come and sit with you and my goddaughter too?" (B and J are the couple we would have asked to be godparents because they were so influential when I almost had an abortion...and I had shared that with her.) I teared up and "I would love that so much!"

And so we look forward to heaven....And dear God, thank you for best friends who love me and love my child just as she is, a precious child of God, even though we never met her!

~Shannon

Eating Disorder

I have to say that I can't wait to be pregnant again. One is for a totally selfish reason. When I was pregnant, I felt as though I was motivated to eat healthily and not to give into crazy purging techniques because I had a little baby in my care. But now, I'm left to fend on my own. I am still doing okay but it can be hard. I wish I had that motivation though....I have to remind myself that there are plenty of other motivators.

And I just miss you, Samantha.

Shannon

Didn't Light A Candle

Friday night, Chris and I went to a football game with his family. We had a good time. However, halfway there, Chris's alarm on his phone went off. We were both perplexed and then I said "Oh no! How can we light a candle for Samantha Peep at 7 PM if we are not home?!" I started hyperventilating. He told me to breathe. Then I calmed down. I had a realization.

My job now isn't to take care of Samantha Peep. Samantha is more than completely taken care of in God's hands. I did what I could do while our sweet baby was growing inside of my womb. But that's all I could do. Now my earthly work as her mom is done. However, my job is to take what I've learned and to bring glory to God and to witness.

When I realized this, I said "The only one who can make me feel guilty about not lighting a candle is ME. And I'm not going to make myself feel guilty. I'm out. I'm trying to live life and accept that God wants me here right now. So I'm not going to regret my life."

So...I have to remember that the only one who can make me feel guilty is me.

~Shannon

Doctor's Appointment

Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment. Remember last week I had been nervous but needed some medication. My therapist, whom I will refer to as J, recommended me to Dr. F. She said she was great and easy to talk to. J also reassured me that I wouldn't have to get on the scale. She was right.

We got there and they did the standard things like height, temperature, blood pressure, and talked with the nurse. Then Dr. F came in. She was awesome. She was very easy to talk to and we dialogued about meds that are safe for pregnancy, etc. She put me on an antidepressant and an antihistamine to help me sleep again.

Anyhow, because I was so tough and brave (haha) Chris took me shopping. I found some clothes and a few other things. It was pretty awesome. But of course, when we passed the baby section in the store, my heart yearned and it hurt. I felt myself go numb for a minute and we just had to continue on. However, toward the end of our shopping, I did go back into that section. It still hurts...it's still painful but I trust that we will have more babies and also I have friends/family members having babies and we want to be able to celebrate in their joy because life is always joyful.

So I survived and I have some medicinal help. It'll take a couple of weeks to take effect and my hope is that it is short term but I will take it.

~Shannon

Today

Today is Official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. We will be lighting a candle at 7 PM tonight to remember sweet Samantha Peep. We will also remember all the other little babies lost around the world to other families. We pray God gives all of you peace.

~Shannon

Miscarried Babies

Is it bad that I wish that I had miscarried at home or asked to see my baby and remains of my uterus? On the ultrasound, Samantha Peep (though gone) finally looked more like a little person than she did at 6.7 weeks. It's driving me crazy. I kept trying to envision.

Today, I just did an image search on miscarried 9 week babies. I wanted to see what my little Samantha might have looked like. For some reason (which probably no one else gets) it brought me comfort, a little more closure, and peace, to see this sweet little baby all curled up...I envision her sleeping and resting and just having drifted and flown off to Jesus peacefully. It is my hope that is how her transition from earth to heaven was like that.

Love you, baby.

~Shannon

He will save me

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Thanks to E.E.J. who shared this with me. I like where it says 'saves those.' I like that.....a lot.

~Shannon

How I Really Feel

How do I really feel? I'm sitting here and laughing, trying to be normal...but in the back of my mind, I am angry. I am sad. I am grieving.

I want to scream.
I want to shout.
I want to yell.

But I don't do any of that. Why? Because it won't bring Samantha back. She's gone from this earth forever. So I figure no sense in fighting it. But I am so weary.

I know this is normal. I know I'm not crazy. My hormones are fluctuating....
but it doesn't make it feel any better.

Today, I read on another blog that this woman had recently passed the three year anniversary of her baby. I can't even imagine being there. She said that when people told her that time heals (back right after she miscarried) she didn't believe it. I feel that way. But she said that today she does believe it. Time does heal...not all things but it makes it easier. It is my hope that I will believe that soon enough myself.

I am supposed to be heading to Tennessee for a convention with our church in November. Chris is going too. I have been to this event twice before and I always enjoy it but this time I am apprehensive. I agreed to go and I will go. Otherwise, I will pay our church back but I am taking a leap of faith and believing that I will be okay. Somehow, I keep getting overstimulated and that stresses me out. I am apprehensive about the general events with loud bands and speakers. I will be okay with the smaller sessions but the loudness I fear. I prefer to sit in silence or just to listen to a song and softly sing along. I pray that God takes away this overstimulation. I know part of it is an overstimulation from the stress I am still feeling.

Perhaps time will make it better. That's all I can hold onto.

~Shannon

Knowing God Loves Me

Lamentations 3:22-24 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.

Last night, I was working on Christmas presents that I am giving out this year. As I worked and created things, I was praying. I've been quiet lately. I used to talk on the phone, watch TV, prepare dinner, and weight lift all at the same time. Yeah right...now it's one or the other. Which I am okay with. I am more detail-oriented than I used to be too so no complaints there. As I sat, I prayed. I spend a lot of time in quiet communication and prayer with God now just needing His presence. I said "Lord, I just miss my baby. It hurts..." And I was surprised when He wasn't holier than thou with me and instead related and spoke to my heart and I said "I know it hurts. I lost my Son once and it hurt so badly."

I had forgotten all about that. God willingly gave up His only son and sacrificed Him for us. Could I have done that with Samantha Peep? I don't know that I could have...That's why I so desperately needed a Savior. My Heavenly Father did what I could never do. And He knows my hurt...He's been there. The thing that amazes me most is that He willingly chose that hurt to save the world. Willingly. Out of love. That's pretty deep.

I also loved that my prayer last night was so relational. I simply felt the Holy Spirit come and sit with me and just be with me. There was no condemning me for feeling the way I did. There was no lecturing. There was simply presence and peace. And gentle, loving, nurturing words. My heart still hurts but I felt it being held by God.

What A Friend We Have In Jesus (by Joseph Scriven, 1855)

What a friend we have in Jesus
All our sins and griefs to bear
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer
Oh what peace we often forfeit
Oh what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer

~Shannon

Who You'd Be Today

Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today"

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Compassionate Friends

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Brochures/stillbirth_miscarriage_and_infant_death.aspx

Hey...check out that link to Compassionate Friends. This is their brochure/info on stillbirth/miscarriage/infant death. I find it highly encouraging to read because I don't feel crazy now. I may try to check out one of their meetings. The local women's hospital where I had the D&C done also has regular meetings for those struggling with baby loss. I may call them too.

~Shannon

Three weeks

Three weeks ago, I had the D&C done. I feel like I will never stop associating Wednesdays with that experience. Tuesdays with finding out about the loss and Wednesday with the procedure. I felt as though my baby was being taken from me even though I knew she was already gone. I miss her still.

~Shannon

Missing my baby (and hormones!)

I'm certain that my hormones fluctuating must cause me some of my depression and grief over the lost baby. Sometimes I'm completely fine. And then BAM! Tears....Last night was like that. I was tempted to check myself in to our psychiatric hospital in town. Chris and I talked and I calmed down. I have an appointment with my new doctor next Monday but it feels so far off. Don't worry...I wouldn't do anything irrational. I would definitely ask for help and find it before doing anything that would hurt me. I don't want to hurt myself...but I also don't want to feel like I want to hurt myself! I just miss Samantha terribly. My body feels empty, my life feels empty, my heart feels empty. I know I can't rely on those feelings but that's how it is. I want another baby to love on and to raise....

~Shannon

Fighting the eating disorder

The eating disorder (which I often use to refer to my struggle rather than bulimia because I was not a classic bulimic especially not in recent times) is trying to rear it's head on me again. But today I had a hopeful thought. The last time I did anything like take laxatives, throw up, etc. was July 30th. That was 2 months and 13 days ago. I have made it that long. Of course, I had the motivation of taking care of a little baby. But who knows...there could be a little one in me right now again. One can not know. Also, why would I do something to myself that I would never allow anyone else that I love to do to themself? It is not logical. I forced myself to eat a healthy breakfast and now I am finally eating lunch (it was a battle....it's now 2:15 PM) today and I will go home and eat dinner. Chris and I will take a walk, maybe play some football, and we'll have a nice night. I will not succumb to the false temptations that offer me temporary relief and control.

Sometimes I wonder if this is my cross to bear....

Jealousy, Questioning, Confusion

Since all of this happened, since I knew all of this might happen, I have struggled with not asking why. But I've tried not to ask. I tried and have been content be mystified and confused. But yesterday, those feelings in me arose. I know that anger and questioning is a part of grieving but it's a part I'm not comfortable with. It makes me want to flee from those feelings. So there's three things I'm struggling with.

I am struggling with jealousy. Perhaps envy is a better word. I am not coveting what my neighbor has, not wishing I had it instead of them but just wondering why I don't have it too. I would never wish my dearest friends and family members to go through a miscarriage but I can't help but envy those that are pregnant and wish I was in the same boat. Last night, I had a great conversation with a dear friend (thanks S.B.) who is pregnant and would have been just a week or two behind me if I was still. She was a blessing to talk to. Being a mom herself now, I feel like she really understands how much I loved little Samantha. I had prayed that God would let my one of my best friends be pregnant with me. I felt as though my prayers were answered when she called and said she was pregnant. I was so excited. So now I am sad. I started to think that maybe God liked this dear friend more than me but then I realized that wasn't rational or true but my sinful self thinking.

I also realized that even though their is pain in the blessing of her pregnancy for me, there is also blessing. As I said, she has still been a close support and she does understand the "mom" feelings that arise in me because she is there herself. So I can't fault God. He is good. His ways are better than mine.

I also struggle with questioning. Why would God do this to me? Is this a punishment? While I know all the rational and clear areas and what Scripture tells me, it still doesn't answer those deep questions that lurk in the back of my mind and arise in the dead of night.

Confusion goes along with questioning. Did I do something wrong? Why did He let me fall in love just to take the baby away? The other thing that I wonder about is if there's something wrong with my body. Will I have other children?

However, the fact of the matter is that only God knows the depths of my heart and the answer to all my hurts. And while I don't understand how He works, one thing remains preeminent in my life; that He is good and loves me always. I know He would never hurt me.

But yet....I am still human and must contend with my envy, questions, and confusion....

~Shannon

Why is work so hard?

Why is work so hard? In the morning, I dread coming in to work...but I can function at home...maybe because I can cry at any point in time when I feel like it? I know that sounds ridiculous but now that it has been almost three weeks, I feel a need to put on a little bit of a facade so that people don't think I've gone over the edge! I want to maintain all the work I did to present myself as a strong, reliable woman when I took this position. Grrrr......I fear I am losing my grip.....

~Shannon

Depression

I did a little research on depression and miscarriage. One source said that depression can affect 22-55 percent of women after a miscarriage. That's 1 in 4 to 1 in 2 women. No wonder I am feeling depressed. I have a history of depression so this makes sense right? I just want to feel like me again. I want to enjoy life. I don't want to lie awake at 3 AM in tears waiting for daylight to come...and then when daylight comes, lie there in bed waiting for nighttime to return. Will it get better?

Ugly shoes

I did not write this. I found this on another blog's site. I was reading and came across this which she had received from someone else. But it is how it feels.

Anonymously written:

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Please check out this blog

http://brightenthepath.blogspot.com/

If you are interested in reading about brightening the path for those struggling with childhood sexual abuse, please check this out. A special friend of mine from college started this and she is truly insightful. Having shared some similar experiences to her, her words have blessed and encouraged me. Also, her courage to start a blog is part of what encouraged me to start one.

Let's all start making a conscious effort to brighten the path.

~Shannon

The journey of our pregnancy-when the bleeding started til the end

A continuation of our pregnancy journey:

That was fine until two weeks after my prenatal visit. Friday, August 15th, I started bleeding. I was terrified. I actually should say that I started spotting on Thursday, August 14th. When I called my OBGYN office, I explained what was going on. They told me not to panic because this happens to many women early in pregnancy but that they don't like to see it. They sent me to the hospital to get bloodwork done and to check my HCG levels. After going to the hospital, I was told that if my numbers were good, I'd need to go for an ultrasound the next day. I received a phone call Thursday afternoon that said my numbers were good for where I was in my pregnancy and I had an ultrasound appointment at ten AM the next day.

While I was reassured about my numbers, I was still nervous about the ultrasound. We had had so many ups and downs so far and I was now so excited about this baby. My mom and dad knew what was going on and my mom was especially supportive as I was learning how pregnancy worked. In addition to being nervous, I was also personally frazzled because I was supposed to attend (as a leader) a Christian music festival weekend. I was supposed to leave with the group and two other leaders on Friday morning. Obviously that got cancelled! Thankfully, everyone understood.

Friday morning, we went in for the ultrasound. We arrived just a wee bit early and ended up waiting almost two hours (it was an extraordinarily busy day) for what should been a ten o'clock appointment. Just before noon, we headed in. They started with an regular ultrasound (doubting they would be able to see anything because my uterus was tilted and I was only six weeks along) and ended up needing a transvaginal ultrasound (not a terrible experience but definitely unpleasant) to get a close look. As we did that ultrasound, all of a sudden a little blob with a flicker came up. The technician made a few measurements and then she announced that our little baby was 6.7 weeks old and "there is a heartbeat!" Chris and I let out sighs from breaths we didn't even realize we had been holding. Our little Peep was living and her heart was still beating. Her heartbeat, I believe, was 161 which was considered on the higher end of the range (which assisted in us later identifying her as a girl). We were thrilled. We went on our way with joy in our hearts!

The next few weeks were ups and downs. I continued to bleed but it didn't change much. When I went in for a ten week check up, they couldn't find the heartbeat with the fetal doppler monitor. However, the doctor was not at all concerned, saying that it was still early in pregnancy. He gave me the option of coming back in two weeks to simply check for the heartbeat or to wait for the next appointment. I opted to wait for the next appointment because we figured that checking wouldn't really change anything. Sometimes, I wish we'd checked sooner because as the few weeks went on, we had fallen more and more in love with our little Peep. Every day, we became even more excited. We never made it to my thirteen week appointment.

At about the nine week mark, we started telling those family and friends we hadn't told yet, and at ten weeks, we made it public. Around the ten week mark, I started to notice some changes too. My nausea lessened but didn't completely go away and the tenderness in my chest became less too. My moods, however, became much worse. For some reason, I was extremely irritable and mean. I was frustrated easily with Chris and close to tears as all times. I didn't know why but I knew pregnancy could make a woman crazy so I just attributed it to that. By eleven weeks, my symptoms were almost non-existent but my mood was still crazy! Finally, as I hit the twelve week point, I decided my symptoms were going away because I was ending the first trimester. Also, I figured my bleeding would stop soon. While I hoped for that though, there was a nagging thought in the back of my mind that left me wondering why I had bled every day for almost six weeks straight. I was sure that wasn't normal. However, I was hoping baby was fine and maybe if it continued into the second trimester, it was something like placenta previa but something manageable--not a miscarriage.

Monday, September 20th, I went to work like normal. I was feeling pretty good physically and my mood had even been a little better that weekend. The weekend before we had visited my parents in Michigan and enjoyed going to a few baby stores to figure out what we wanted to register for. We had decided not to register until November or so though because we wanted to make sure the pregnancy progressed normally. We also wanted to be very organized and make our registration a quick one trip round already knowing what we wanted/needed to register for. Work on Monday went fine. Around lunchtime, I went to the bathroom. I got a wee bit nervous because I saw that I was bleeding heavier. But not significantly heavier. It wasn't even as heavy as a period. But it was heavier. Yet I didn't have any cramping. So I just pushed it aside. This continued all day.

That evening I shared with Chris what was going on. He told me I needed to call the doctor. I was adamant that I did not need to call the doctor. Secretly, I was terrified that something was wrong. Not that denial would have fixed it but I did not want to go there. We talked about it and I finally agreed to call the next morning. I called before I left the house. Chris was still in bed trying to sleep in as late as possible because he was to work a night shift that evening. When I called and explained what was going on, I didn't have to say much. Within two sentences, the nurse said they were going to want me to come in. I asked when I should come and she told me as soon as I could get there. I woke Chris up and we drove there. I knew if it was bad news, I wouldn't want to be alone and that if it was good news, I was going to need him to drop me off at work after the visit. We arrived at the office and they took us back (no, they did not weigh me...there is now a note on the chart to keep me very far away from the scale!) to an exam room where the medical assistant first, then nurse, then doctor all tried to find the heartbeat. They were not successful. The doctor informed me that this could still be because my uterus was tilted but that I needed to go for an ultrasound at the hospital.

We checked out and headed to the hospital. As we parked in the garage, I asked Chris to pray for us. He did....which majorly comforted and blessed me. I will always remember that. Our wait was short but it felt like forever. We were taken back to an ultrasound room. I got on the table and our technician started the ultrasound. She finally got a good angle at my uterus. My first thought was that "Yes, my baby is in there!" My second thought was "Oh no...that baby is not moving and it's much too small to be a twelve week old baby." Sure enough, the technician quietly informed us that the baby was measuring in at nine weeks and that there was no heartbeat. I burst into tears and Chris tensed up. He put his arms around me on the table and I leaned my head onto his shoulder. I tried to compose myself but was struggling. I was like "I knew this might happen. I had been bleeding the whole time...but it's so weird. I didn't even want to be pregnant at first but then I did! Then I wanted this baby so much....!" She looked at me and said "Many women feel that way. And by the way you definitely didn't cause this...it just happens sometimes."

She left the room to call the doctor and discuss the results. When she returned, she said that the doctor would be calling into this room to give me options. He promptly called. My options were to wait and finish miscarrying naturally, to take a pill to induce and finish the miscarriage, or to have a D&C. Chris and I briefly whispered while I was on the phone, both in agreement that we should go with the D&C. We feared emotional trauma from the pill or natural miscarriage at home. We also knew there was no indication as to how long it would take for me to go through the process. We also knew until I finished miscarrying physically, I couldn't begin to process emotionally. So we went ahead with the D&C.

The rest of Tuesday, September 21st was a blur of phone calls, tears, and lots of hugs. We spent a lot of time talking with family, friends, and church members. Chris's cousin was extremely helpful having gone through this just two weeks before. She explained D&Cs to me and her personal experience. This was a major blessing. Later that day, I also started bleeding heavier and started cramping. It wasn't terrible yet so I figured I'd make it to the D&C. It was disheartening though that as the cramping picked up, I could finally feel my uterus, hard and contracting. Great. I finally felt a slight baby bump and I wasn't even pregnant anymore.

That night was rough. I didn't take a sleeping pill and was exhausted. It was sleep, cry, cry, sleep, wake up crying, sleep, wake up, remember what happened, cry, sleep, toss and turn, all night long. Finally it was five o'clock in the morning and we got up to head to the hospital. We checked in, waited, and then finally was taken back. After giving a urine sample, I met the anesthesiologist, a couple of students, a resident, and finally my doctor. Because my OBGYN office consists of a big group of doctors, I hadn't met this woman yet. However, Chris and I were very pleased with her. She was very empathic saying "Shannon, I'm so sorry we have to meet this way...next time I see you here, I want you to be huge, fat, and totally pregnant--ready to deliver." Chris and I were in total agreement. I was bummed meeting her that way too...She would have been my thirteen week appointment doctor! Anyhow, she answered a few questions, told us we could start trying to get pregnant again as soon as we wanted (some doctors say wait.....she wasn't concerned....) and explained the D&C. She also told us that our children were going to have awesome colored eyes someday. (We both have blue eyes.) The nicest thing was that the anesthesiologist gave me something to relax me and Chris kissed me good-bye. Then the doctor walked with me back to the OR. Chris said that never happens. That made me feel so much better. Even though, I hadn't met her before, she was MY doctor. Unlike the nurses and techs who I felt like belonged to the hospital, I felt as though my case belonged to her and she at least knew what was going on with me. We got back there, I looked around the OR, shifted onto the OR bed and that was all I remember.

When I woke up in the recovery room, I burst into tears. They gave me something for nausea which had started to come on and then they gave me something for pain. I hadn't realized I would hurt like I did. It wasn't terrible but it was bad. However, the pain meds made me feel physically better. However, emotionally, I was a wreck. When I finally walked from the bed to the recliner recovery room, I was really upset. They went and got Chris and when he came in, I was sobbing. He held me. The next few hours were tears, more pain meds (Perkocet which made me itch all over, scalp to toe), and then finally they sent me home. I felt better a couple of hours later but I kept crying "I want my baby...."

So that's the story of our pregnancy and our emotional journey from conception to D&C. It was difficult but we got through it. God was with us every step of the way. It is my hope that you will under us, especially me, better and why this has been such a unique and emotional journey. It is also my hope that you will not judge me. I have revealed more of myself in these two posts but I believe that my transparency will help others to see me as real. I want to be real. I am a sinner who has been redeemed and is held together by the sacred blood of Jesus Christ.

Thanks for reading.

~Shannon

followers and friends

I know many of you are following but that many more of you are reading. I just wanted to say thank you for listening. It means a lot to me. You are all a blessing. I enjoyed and appreciated all your comments this morning. Sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to all of them.

Thank you for your support.

~Shannon

Journey of our pregnancy (highly personal) Up until the bleeding started

Our pregnancy was an adventure....I am finally coming clean with people, telling them the whole story, and I think it's really helped us. It also helps others to realize why we might have had such a few stressful months and what led up to the miscarriage that really was only the climax of our life story and now the downhill climb from that.

On July 10th, I was a matron of honor in my best friend's wedding. It was a fantastic time. Leading up to the wedding though, I had been really actively struggling with my eating disorder. It had been a major issue. However, by the time the wedding rolled around and I had spent a couple of days prior with many of my best friends, I was doing great. I was remembering that Chris and I were madly in love, about to celebrate our two year anniversary (July 11th) and that I was with my best friends who love me, no matter what I look like or do...just because I'm me. These are girls who were as close to me as my sisters in college and still remain that way today. So I was thrilled and blessed to be able to be with them. I actually enjoyed the wedding day, felt comfortable in my matron of honor dress, and was able to dance, laugh, and celebrate the night away until Chris and I had to head back home. Halfway home, we stopped at a hotel that we had made reservations at. It was past midnight, now our anniversary, and we know now that we conceived little Samantha Peep that night. We had tossed caution to the wind and said "Lord, if you want us to have a baby, here's your chance." Funny how that worked out.

The next week was crazy. We worked a few days then loaded up our things and headed to New Orleans with our youth group and two other leaders, our DCE, and 12 youth for the LCMS National Youth Gathering themed We Believe. We had a fantastic time, grew in our faith, and bonded with our group. I truly believe that God blessed the timing of this pregnancy by allowing us that experience to grow spiritually before finding out our lives were going to change. It was great. My eating disorder did great and stayed away while on the trip. I wanted to simply enjoy the moment and I loved being with our youth, whom I know for a fact love me for me. This was a major blessing. However, while I was down there, I kept feeling sick. I know now it was morning sickness...not late night pizza and overstimulating music! E.N. kept saying "Maybe you're pregnant!" I was like "No....well....maybe?!"

We came back from New Orleans and when no period arrived and I could not recall the exact date of my last period, I decided to take a pregnancy test on Saturday, July 24th. I had previously been taking pregnancy tests each month since my periods had been not irregular but coming a wee bit late each month. They had all come up negative and I imagined this one would too. So imagine my surprise when it came up with two lines, not one, and conclusively screamed POSITIVE.

At this point, I wish I could say that I bought baby carrots, baby whatevers, and whatevers and made my husband a nice dinner to surprise him when he came home. No, instead I called him crying. Well, actually I managed to hold my tears for a bit. I figured if I couldn't wait because I was too upset, I could at least tell him without crying. He answered his cell phone....so I said "Hey....." He said "Hey, what's up?" I was like "Oh well, I just wanted to give you a call and let you know that we're having a baby." I tried, semi-successfully, to sound excited and not cry. He was like, "For real? Are you serious?" I was like, "For real, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive." He was like "We're having a baby....how do YOU feel about that?" He sounded excited and then I burst into tears....."I'm FREAKING OUT!! I don't know how we're going to do this. We shouldn't have done this. You said I wouldn't get pregnant! Ahhhh!" And cried....then calmed, then cried, then calmed. Throughout the day waiting for him to come home, I was filled with ups and downs. I called one of my best friends and told her what was going on. We talked and she was very encouraging through my tears. Finally Chris came home and he reassured me that everything would be fine and dandy and we would make the finacial situation work, etc. This started to calm me and over the next five days I would calm down, fall in love with Peep, and even get excited about being pregnant.

Monday, July 26th rolled around. I called the doctor's office (because I hadn't been able to call over the weekend) and they asked when my last period was. Because I couldn't tell them (DUMB me!) I had to go in for a pregnancy confirmation visit on Friday, July 30th. Chris and I called to share what was going with the eating disorder because currently I had been in counseling and we knew that getting on a scale would be a problem for me. They agreed to weigh me backwards and not say the number.

All week was good. I was nervous but excited. I was pregnant! When we went to the appointment, Chris agreed that he would stay near me during the weigh in to remind them. Unfortunately, prior to the weigh in, I had to give a urine sample. When I came out of the bathroom, Chris was gone. The nurse told me she'd sent him back to my exam room. She escorted me into the scale area and not only did she weigh someone else in front of me, she weighed me and said my number out loud! I was pretty hysterical by the time I got to the exam room. Chris took one look at me and he was angry. He knew what had happened. He slammed his sunglasses to the floor. He's like "I shouldn't have left you!" By the time our doctor came in, I was sobbing hysterically and claiming to Chris "I'm not having this baby. I can't get on or NEAR the scale again." The doctor apologized. I, through tears, said "We called about this....so this wouldn't happen!" The doctors said "I know you did. It's right here in your chart. I can see that. I knew you had called. Apparently they missed it. I am so, so sorry, Shannon." He did a brief examination and then told me to come back in four weeks. He was very gentle, kind, and highly apologetic which made things a little better but not much. He concluded that I was five weeks pregnant and due at the beginning of April.

After the appointment, I marched out of the office. Chris attempted to follow me. I was screaming "I am not having this baby!" After I finally got him to leave me alone, it was a terrible afternoon. I went to work, looked up the nearest Planned Parenthood (even though I am COMPLETELY pro-life, that's how hysterical I was) and took a bus downtown. I got there only to be told that I had to call another location/number to set up an abortion. I'm so thankful I couldn't do it immediately because I would have made a very rash, very bad decision. I actually set up the appointment for the following week. Then I finally let Chris (who had been wandering all over Pittsburgh) pick me up. He had been talking with our pastor and two of our very good friends (whom we were supposed to see that weekend at their in-laws) and they had been calling me. Chris came and got me but I was highly insistent that I didn't want to see our friends. After sobbing and talking for a long time, I said "But I don't want to have an abortion! I just CAN'T get on the scale...." It was bad. Chris agreed to call the OBGYN office and ask them if I could stay away from the scale. You see, it was so bad because I had told myself the worst wouldn't happen and then it did. Now, I couldn't even go NEAR the scale. Anyhow, the office manager reassured Chris that likely that would not be a problem since the doctor himself had said "I don't think she can be anywhere a scale." He was right. We ended up cancelling the abortion, going and seeing our friends, and in the next few days we were reassured and became excited about the pregnancy once again, especially knowing I wouldn't have to get on the scale. Anyhow, though, I secretly wished I would miscarry right after I cancelled the abortion, a secret wish that I would end up regretting a couple of days later and pray that the Lord would forgive me and forget my wish. I know that what happened is not because I wished for it but it still makes it a little harder.

Over the next two weeks, we grew thrilled about the pregnancy. God granted me joy and peace! I wrote our little Peep letters. I slowly slid into the motherhood role and was content and overjoyed about how wonderful life would be. I prayed for our baby. I bought things and I told my mom and my best friends. I needed these women I talked with so regularly to be on board. They were overjoyed and their joy multiplied ours. I even prayed that one of my best friends would become pregnant. One did! I was overjoyed when she called, looking forward to sharing the joy of pregnancy and our future parenting.

That was fine until two weeks after my prenatal visit. Friday, August 15th, I started bleeding.

That's all I have time to write today. I'll write the rest of our journey tomorrow. Blessings and love to all of you.

~Shannon

Doctors

Today has been especially bad. After yesterday afternoon and a bit of a rough morning, I called my therapist. I was in desperate need of some direction and needing to find a doctor. Chris and I had been seeing his old doctor's office in Butler but I had decided I needed to see someone new for a few reasons. Anyhow, here's where I come clean about all of this. I am tired of keeping it all hidden away and secrets from our family and friends. It's time to be real.

The real reason I struggled with finding a doctor and needing to see one but not wanting to see one was that I have a deep and intense and incredibly irrational fear of getting on the scale at the doctor's office. I'm not sure when this started. I can weigh myself at home. I can weigh myself in front of Chris (that didn't happen overnight) but at some point I began avoiding the doctor's office to avoid the scale. It didn't matter what the number was, I would freak out one way or another. Anyhow, this is part of my journey in struggling with an eating disorder. So I started to avoid doctors and scales. But I still have to be able to see a doctor. Thankfully, my therapist just recommended me to a very nice female doctor and she says I will not have to get on the scale because it is not worth it for my eating disorder to come back after working so hard to fight it. That's reassuring.

Anyhow, check out my next post on what I will call the entire journey of our pregnancy.

~Shannon

The past few days

The past few days I haven't blogged because I didn't access to Internet. On Friday, we celebrated our anniversary. We decided, in lieu of presents, to just spend the day together. We had cinnamon rolls for breakfast, finished our last episode of Lost to send it back to Netflix, and then headed off to do some shopping and spend lunch out. We had Japanese for lunch and found me a new shirt, picked up the movie Fireproof, as well as a book on stewardship, and picked up some more jewelry making things for me. We mainly just enjoyed being together. We did our grocery shopping and then had take out Chinese for dinner (it was a no cooking day for us because cooking has been EXHAUSTING lately) and things were mostly good. I had been feeling a wee bit emotional throughout the day, seeing baby things, etc., but had handled it well and we had a generally good day.

Unfortunately, as evening neared, I felt myself getting agitated. I didn't know what was going on so I just tried to push it aside but that didn't work out so well. We were playing chess when I made one bad move. Chris was like "really?" (in wonder) as he moved in on my queen. I had just noticed my bad move (had been having a hard time focusing on the game anyhow) and freaked out. I swept my hand across the chess board and dashed out of the room sobbing. I'm pretty sure it wasn't the chess board that set me off but rather just that anxious, sad, irritable edge that had been welling up in me. Sure enough, I sobbed and cried and Chris just held me for a bit that evening. It was rough and I was upset because I felt as though I had ruined our "special" anniversary day. But no days lately have been one hundred percent good so I'm not sure what I expected. If I thought I could just pretend things were great and forget everything for a day? Not that Chris was expecting anything but I put the pressure on...I had an expectation. But overall, it was okay.

Saturday, we went and saw Life As We Know It. It was a relatively good movie. Of course, it made me cry (being about babies, etc.) I did sob a couple of times but I also was able to enjoy it found it therapeutic. When the little girl Sophie said "Mama" though, I lost it for two or three minutes. But it was good for us too and it was good to be out and doing things, even though it was difficult. That evening was the award dinner for Chris. It actually went okay. We arrived for appetizers and the two of us just chatted. It was a wee bit awkward because you have to realize that the 300 or so people that attended were from like 13 different hospitals and a whole bunch of different labs and facilities. As is such, we didn't really know anyone else. I enjoyed a glass of Cabernet wine while we wandered, listened to music, etc. and Chris enjoyed a nice white Zinfandel. Luckily, for dinner, the seating had been done intentionally and we were seated with Chris's boss's boss's boss (something like that) named Linda whom he was familiar with. Our fellow tablemates were all very sweet, nice people too and we actually enjoyed their company and stayed the entire evening. Dinner was good too. I was so proud of my husband and that helped too. At point during the program/speeches, I teared up though and thought I would lose it. They said something like ".....Womens' Hospital is generally a place of joy but for some mothers and families, it a place of loss and sadness when they lose their baby." They were awarding a team from the hospital that I had the D&C done at and that was how they prefaced it. It brought me to tears and Chris just slid his arm around me and patted my back. I composed myself and the rest of the night was nice. When we got home we were both pretty wired and energetic so we got a lot of laundry done. Folding, washing, drying, and more folding. Productive at least. I actually fell asleep on a decent note. A little sad but not as tearful as I have been.

Then Sunday. Waking up was fine but then I got upset shortly before we left for church. The ride there was good but then once we got close, I got worked up again. My dear friend Sandi sat with us during church and she likely has no idea how comforting that was to us once again. I love her and she is a mother type of figure. It always comforts me to have Chris on my right and Sandi on my left. I feel sandwiched in safety. Afterwards, I enjoyed a pleasant conversation with two of our young ladies from youth group (E.N. and J.S) which was also really nice. I had forgotten how much I missed them.

When we got home, though, things went sour for most of the day. Chris was not having a great day and I started to feel very empty and very sad. We finally resolved those feelings and had a good late evening. I enjoyed talking with my mother-in-law (thanks J.H.) for awhile before we played our nightly cribbage game. That was about it.

And then here we are today........

Celebration?

This weekend is supposed to be celebratory. We are supposed to celebrate our anniversary tomorrow. We are supposed to celebrate an award Chris got at work by going to a very nice dinner hosted for the award winners by his place of employment. When we planned all this, it was a time of celebration. I was supposed to be 15 weeks pregnant. I would have been celebrating making it through my first trimester. I want to enjoy tomorrow but I don't know how to. I know Chris doesn't have expectations but I still feel like I want this to be special since we haven't celebrated and our anniversary was back in July. No, maybe that's not true. We had a very small and quick celebration in which we know that God gave us Samantha Peep. Maybe that's why now is so painful?

But the dinner on Saturday will be hardest. To be around lots of people I don't know is already difficult for me. But to have to be celebratory and happy. I am trying to remember that I am very proud of my husband because I am. I said to him the other night "Now the rest of the world knows what I already knew---how awesome you are!" I do feel that way but I'm sad too....because part of our family is gone.

~Shannon

Interesting article

http://www.kyria.com/topics/hottopics/womensissues/9.42.html?start=2

This article is called Mourning a Miscarriage. I stumbled across it. While I don't agree with everything in it (mainly the part that says God said "no" to her having a baby....I don't necessary believe God just causes death. Sometimes these things just happen as a consequences of a sinful world. God is only good. He can use bad though for good but we must remember that he does not make bad happen.) it made me think.

~Shannon

Yearn for heaven?

Is it bad that right now I am yearning for heaven?  I have always been heaven-bound and yearned to be there but these days my heart just desires it more and more. My dear friend Sarah Joy and I (in college days) used to have days where we just wanted to be in front of Jesus. Now that Samantha Peep awaits there, I only yearn more for heaven. Now don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal. God is the only one who decides life and death. But....I find myself praying more and more 'come quickly, Lord Jesus, come quickly.' If He returned today, I would be consumed with that eternal joy that I can only look forward to for now. Samantha Peep, baby, you've left me yearning heavenbound.

~Shannon

Grieve with hope

"Brothers, we do not want you to grieve like the rest of men,
 who have no hope" 

(1 Thessalonians 4:13)

Tears for what should have been

I took a lunch break today. I never take a lunch break. Not because I am a workaholic but because my work is so laid back and very rarely do I spend long days here so it makes sense to skip the break and eat down here. But I left the lab and took a break because I was feeling it today. I don't know what it is. I called Chris and cried on my lunch break.

Tears for what should have been
And what is
Tears for what I wish for
And what is
Tears for what I would give
And what is
Tears are all that's left

I should have been almost 15 weeks pregnant today. I wish for Samantha Peep to be back inside of me and filled with life. And I would give almost anything in the world for our baby. Just when I think I am feeling better, I lose it all over again. Will I ever feel better? Lord, I want my baby. But if I can't have my baby, then please, please grant me healing.

~Shannon

A mother's heart really hurts: First ultrasound memories

I'm really hurting right now. First of all, for the loss of our sweet baby. Second of all, because I'm hurting so badly because it was our baby we lost. Let me explain. I always imagined, envisioned, tried to think of what a mother's love and a mother's heart was like....but until you've been there, you can't even begin to imagine. I think I really fell in love with Samantha Peep when I saw her on the ultrasound image the first time I went in for bleeding. I was instantly enthralled by our tiny little flapping and kicking blob with a heartbeat. She was life. She was alive! Chris and I tightly gripped hands and beamed as the ultrasound technician said she saw a heartbeat and everything looked great. And we had loved our baby before, but that's when it made it real and we fell head over heels in love with this baby....and then we lost her. We had no clue that 5 weeks later we'd be in the same situation but with the opposite news and that our hearts could break with as much pain as they had felt joy. So now my mother's heart hurts...my heart is so tender....and I miss our baby, more than words can ever express. So much feels lost and I don't know where to go from here. This entire thing has given me more clarity than I've ever had but I can't have the one thing I want........I want my baby.

I read in one of the resources our pastor gave us that there can be no grief without love. Our grief is a tribute to the love we had for our baby. Well, I know I did love that baby a lot and I can certainly feel it now because my heart feels ripped at.

~Shannon

Hello, Goodbye by Michael W. Smith

Here is another song I found that I really like. It's called Hello, Goodbye by Michael W. Smith. It's for a baby named Noah. But other than the specificity of the name,  I feel as though I can really relate to the lyrics. Here's a YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoQlMmwH-Is

Hello, Goodbye (Michael W. Smith)

Where's the navigator of your destiny
Where is the dealer of this hand
Who can explain
Life and it's brevity
'Cause there is nothing here
That I can understand
You and I
Have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet


Chorus: Noah, hello, good-bye
I'll see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side


And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you
Before it calls for me
When you get there save me a place
A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just awhile

As I'm listening to it right now, watching this video I posted, I can't help but cry. My heart hurts and it doesn't feel like I will ever put this behind me.

~Shannon

George Canyon's My Name

As I have previously mentioned, I have been finding songs that make me feel better. Songs that talk about losing babies make me feel not all alone in this journey. One song I found was George Canyon's My Name.
Here's a link to a video on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMD7_KZz2iU
I picked this video because it's dedicated to a mom's two babies in heaven. Also, here's the words:

My Name (George Canyon)

It's cold in here
Feels like everything's upside down
I can feel you talkin'
But I can hardly make out the sound
And I've been kickin' around these parts
Feels like a year
And I'm going to change this world
If I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink
Paints my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself
'Cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven't learned any fear, any shame
It's kind of funny with all this commotion
Guess they've got me to blame
They don't even know my name
They don't even know my name

Well, I've never felt so ready
Think it's finally time
Cause that big ol' world is waiting
And it's mine, all mine
Just then everything got real quiet
And it got real bright
And a man took my hand, said don't worry
Your Mama's going to be alright
Then he opened the gate
And I followed him in
Said you can wait right here
 'Til it's your turn again

His love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear, no shame
Never got to set my wheels in motion But they loved me just the same
They didn't even know my name
They didn't even know my name

You love me just the same
And you didn't even know my name

Samantha Peep, we loved you before we knew your name.
~Shannon

The Bible talks about comfort

In the process of Biblegatewaying (is that a word?) my last passage, I ended up coming across tons of other passages on comfort.  I thought I would compile my favorites and share. Why? Because reading these did indeed bring me comfort and I hope they comfort you too, in whatever your need is. These are all NIV (New International Version).

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 86:17
Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

Psalm 119:50
My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

Psalm 119:76
May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.

Isaiah 12:1
In that day you will say: "I will praise you, O Lord. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me."

Isaiah 49:13
Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

Isaiah 51:12a
"I, even I, am he who comforts you."

Isaiah 52:9
Burst into songs of joy together, you ruins of Jerusalemn, for the Lord has comforted his people, he has redeemed Jerusalem.

Isaiah 66:13a
As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.

Jeremiah 8:18
O my Comforter in sorrow, my heart is faint within me.

Jeremiah 31:13
Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

Jeremiah 31:15
This is what the Lord says: "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more."

Lamentations 2:13
What can I say for you? With what can I compare you, O Daughter of Jerusalem? To what can I liken you, that I may comfort you, O Virgin Daughter of Zion? Your wound is as deep as the sea. Who can heal you?

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Luke 16:25
"But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony.'

John 14:1 (Jesus Comforts the Disciples)
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."

2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just at the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

There...now I have all of these words compiled here to remind me that God does comfort and He does care!

~Shannon

Last night's Bible reading

Last night's Bible reading was incredibly encouraging to me. It's always been one of my favorite passages but it especially touched my heart in this, the most difficult time of my life, because it reminds me that God uses everything for His glory!

The reading was:

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (New International Version)

The God of All Comfort

 ³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. ⁵For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

Quite simply,  it reminded me that I will use this time of hurt I've been through to help someone else....and to glorify Him. Also....even though we are suffering (like Christ suffered), through Christ we are comforted and filled with joy!!! I also love where it calls God the Father of compassion. I believe that with all my heart to be true.....

~Shannon

Gravestone Reading

So contrary to what it might seem with my frequent posting these past two days, I am actually at work and doing work! I'm a quick typer and as thoughts come to me, they just pour out and then I continue on with my work. I have actually been more productive by clearing my head as thoughts pop in. Thank you, Lord, for a laid back work environment where my boss's only focus is on whether or not everything gets done and he could care less what we do the rest of the time.

Yesterday I wrote about how there is no closure, nothing left with a miscarriage. It is not like another death where you have a chance to grieve and look at mementos. For me, I felt it would be healthy to write a general gravestone heading and an obituary.

If I had been chosing the epitaph to put on a gravestone, I would have put her name as Samantha Peep Schroeder, July 11th, 2010-September 21, 2010, Beloved Child of God. There would have been a lamb engraved somewhere on the stone because we saw her as a lamb of God and wanted her to know the Lamb of God.

I feel like right now I have to insert that we would not have really made her middle name Peep had she been born and lived. Peep was simply Samantha's nickname before she was Samantha while she was growing inside of me because we likened Peep to being a little chick. For us, it gave us our own personal reference instead of using the generic baby reference. It made her very real to us. So now having lost her and not having the opportunity to actually meet her and name her, she is forever Samantha Peep.

For her obituary, things get more complicated...Perhaps I will continue to work on what I would have wanted that to say.

By the way, to all my new followers, friends or now blog acquaintances, thank you for reading. Really, thank you for listening. You are a blessing to me. I shared in response to my post "Two followers" that I felt validated by having readers, like what I have to say is worth sharing.

A Better Way by Downhere

One of my dearest and bestest friends (thanks J.F.) reminded me of this awesome song called A Better Way. We used to listen to it while we were roommates at Concordia. That semester was fantastic. Anyhow, I haven't listened to it lately but it is refreshing to remember God's way is the best way possible. Also, it reminds me of all that God has gotten me through since I was a senior in college. He has never left me and He will get me through this hurt and this life. There was NO better way to say I love you than for Jesus to come and die and do what we couldn't do ourselves. So no matter what the circumstances are I remember that.

Here's a link to listen to it on YouTube. I have no idea how to upload videos or put things up here. If anyone has any idea, I'd love to know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NegD8s3pUpw

A Better Way by Downhere

I'm not alone, I really believe
You never go, You never leave
Here and now, You always stay
“I love you” could not be said a better way

It's everything You've promised
There's no greater love than this
From prophets until today
A man laying down His life for His friends
Your sacrifice has spoken, You gave everything
And “I love you” could not be said
A better way

I am forgiven, I clearly see
It's why You came to do all you did for me
Trading earth with heaven, You took my place
“I love you” could not be said
A better way

Because You redeem, I know what's to come
Everything I could lose here, You've already won
So You have my surrender, with passion obey
“I love you” could not be said
A better way